The Rankings For The Best And Worst Cities To Drive A Van In Are Finally Here And They’re Gonna Blow Your Freaking Mind I Swear It

Hot damn, it’s here, it’s finally here! You can all stop emailing me and calling and showing up at my door and grabbing me by the shoulders when you see me in public, pinning me against a wall and demanding to know what the best and worst cities for van driving are! I’m sick of it! And you know damn well that I don’t get to make those rankings: only the van-driving experts at Money Super Market – which I think is some kind of UK-based insurance vendor, or something? The name sounds like some off-brand sketchy check-cashing place, so who the hell knows.

Point is, only Money Super Market’s world-renowned think tank of experts, computers, and hyper-intelligent, genetically-augmented chimpanzees has the authority to decide what the best and worst cities to drive a van in are, and anyone who disagrees or somehow doesn’t understand the gravity of this all is a miserable fool, and only the sting of the lash across their pitiful shoulders will be what they deserve.

Yes, Money Super Market’s Annual World’s Best and Worst Cities for Van Drivers list is here, and holy crap, is it shocking. Are you sitting down? If you’re standing, sit down. If you’re already sitting, make a litter of blankets and laundry and old carpet scraps and lay in that. If you’re already lying down, get a kiddie pool and fill it full of Easy Cheese and spray foam insulation, and burrow yourself into that. It’s the only way to be safe.

Okay, before we get into the rankings, let me reveal what Money Super Market’s criteria for deciding the best and worst van-driving cities are, because it’s thanks to their unique and scientifically rigorous metrics, rubrics, Rubik’s Cubes, and rude dicks that these flawless results can be obtained. Here’s how they pick the cities:

“Our rankings are based on five factors that shape a van driver’s enjoyment of a daily journey: congestion levels, driving-related fees like tolls and low-emission zones, access to petrol stations and EV charging points, ease of finding parking and how often road disruption like roadworks and closures get in the way. Each city was scored on these factors to give them an overall score.”

Now, I know what some of you lesser-informed folks may be thinking. “What the hell does this have to do with vans,” you’re probably whining, “aren’t all of these just generic ease-and-convenience-of-driving sort of criteria? There’s nothing van-specific about any of this?”

Okay, let’s address these questions, which, I’d like to add, are so stupid as to be insulting. You disgust me for even bringing them up. Clearly, there are things happening here beyond our mere mortal understanding. Money Soup Market absolutely and unquestionably knows what they are doing, and even if it seems like this whole thing is just some half-assed ploy to try and get some online mentions in websites, I promise you that there are unseen factors here that all but guarantee whatever criteria Mangy Slopper Markers is using to determine what cities are best or worse for van driving, those are the right criteria, now and forever. Whatever they pick, those are the right choices, and even questioning the logic of Mooney Snooper Merkin is a sin on par with spitting in the face of The Almighty himself.

Don’t fuck with me about this.

With that in mind, here’s their list of the Best cities to drive a van in:

Holy fucking shit crapballs urinal cakes mango chutney flapjacks. Turku? Turku? Finland has been priming Turku for this van-driving honor for the better part of a century! You know my main mayor Piia Elo is getting fucking wrecked right now on lonkero! She’s wanted this for so long, so good for you, muija.

Reykjavik has been a favorite among van drivers since before the Vikings landed there, and I’m fucking over the clamgrabbing moon to see a local hero, Lansing, on the list! Like it’s not enough to have all the glitz and glamour of Lansing, but they have to be America’s heaven of van driving, too? How do they pull it off?

I know a lot of you van drivers out there are already on Zillow looking up house prices in Bruges and Bratislava and Wroclaw, and so on. And I can’t say that’s a bad idea! Look, if Monkey Stupor Muppet says these are the best cities for driving vans, then fucking hell, do anything you can to get the hell out of whatever van-hating shithole you’re stuck in and get your ass to Minsk or Helsinki or Darwin! Leaving family behind? Friends? A promising career? Who gives a shit, we’re talking van driving here, and if Manny Stucker Marqis says it’s better for vans there, then you best listen.

Okay, now is the hard part. Here are the 10 cities across the globe that Moany Scooter Markup says are the worst for van-driving. Before you read this list, I would counsel you to please remember that there are people living in these cities, innocent people, who are as much the victims of the poor van-friendliness of these cities as you or I. I will not stand for calls for any of these cities’ destruction, no matter what. This list is meant to help, not draw a target on the back of these already severely blighted places. We cool?

I’m sad to see Mexico on this list so many times; that wonderful nation deserves better than this. I’ve driven in Mumbai, and I can’t say I’m too surprised to see them here, but it’s still disappointing. As tempting as it may be to just unleash vitriol and rage against these van-intolerant cities, I have to believe we’re better served trying to help, perhaps by organizing an airlift of some sort to try and get the unhappy vans and van owners out of these horrific nightmarish places. I think Manny Sucker Martinet already has some plans brewing, possibly in conjunction with the British Special Air Service (SAS).

It’s so hard to wrap my head around the sheer impact this list is going to have on the van-driving world. I wouldn’t be surprised if in the next few days, the International Siblinghood of Van Pilots convenes an emergency synod to discuss these findings, and possibly organize formal emigration plans from the less van-friendly countries to the most friendly ones, where they will likely set up Autonomous Van-Focused Oblast, with representatives from Munchy Slurper Marmoset holding positions of power in all of them.

Soon, this network of van-focused colonies will consolidate their power and take control of the entire Earth, which will be slowly but surely transformed into an idillic utopia for van driving. At any cost.

Will there be bloodshed? Possibly. Will the global economy and social order be changed forever? Absolutely. Will Mealy Succor Margaret find themselves on top of it all, when the dust settles? No question.

I, for one, welcome our new van-driving overlords.