Remember way back in 2009, during the heady days of the early Obama administration and the release of the VW Routan and our collective obsession with the artificial sweetener Stevia, which had just been approved? Sure you do, we all do. Those were incredible times. And if you had to pick the one automotive upholstery and aquatic mammal genitals related story from that year that made the biggest, longest-lasting impact, I think I know exactly what that story had to be: the ultra-luxury SUV upholstered in whale penis leather.
Yes, that’s right, the whale penis leather SUV. The SUV in question was the DARTZ Prombron Monaco Red Diamond, and I know you must remember all the stories about that incredible machine, which was said to be, at about $1,450,000, the world’s most expensive SUV at the time.
The list of features of this thing was pretty impressive:
“1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22” Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges – grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with “alert” button
9. Additional outside kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.And, of course, of course –
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka – RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same as in the RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.”
Ah, remember Vertu phones? Are they even still around? Holy crap, they are. Who is buying these things still?
Anyway, back to this Prombon; while that list has all kinds of remarkable entries on it (white gold diamond and and ruby encrusted badges, bulletproof wheels, gold-plated windows) there’s no way the mention of “whale penis leather” on that list doesn’t stop and grab your gaze like a schnauzer clamping onto a dropped salami.
And, after all these years, I realized that I never really knew the full story behind this remarkably attention-grabbing choice of upholstery. Why did DARTZ decide to use whale penis leather for this car? Was there a retired whale mohel on staff? Was it a gambit to get as much online attention as possible and go viral? A specific request from a client with an extremely specific kink?
The good news is I don’t have to guess, because Leonard Yankelovich, DARTZ’s Inheritor-Reviver and Owner of DARTZ Motorz as well as their Lunatic-in-Chief is someone I can just, you know, ask. So I did, finally! And the answers are absolutely not what I would have expected.
First, there’s the question of was using whale penis leather all just for internet hype and clicks? Leonard says no, absolutely not:
“Never. I have zero vision. It was some 2006 when uncle told me about and was just about “softest” and “biggest one piece” [of leather]  Zero about HYPE.
Just very soft, very big, easy to cut on big seat . It wasn’t about hype and seems it was legal then. I mean at 2006 or so.
Being small guy from small country I was always trying to be just the best. So I have no idea about hype – I even don’t know this word) As You remember my English was also levels down.”
Leonard told me that the original reason for his interest in the whale penis leather was that he had an uncle in the leather business:
“Yes, man who owned leather company in UK, we managed him fucking cheap raw skins from USSR, he made from them automotive, aviation, furniture and garment leather.”
This uncle was able to source all sorts of hides and skins from a pretty wide variety of exotic beasts, and it seems at some point – during the brief period when it was still legal, which, Leonard was quick to point out, it very much now is not – his uncle got ahold of a large supply of whaleskin, including a substantial amount of whale penis skin.
If you’ve ever seen a whale penis – and I don’t know what you’re into and I certainly don’t kink shame, so no judgements if you have – they’re quite, um, substantial. About 10 feet long and more than a foot in diameter, which equates to a lot of whale penis skin, and there may have been more than one involved, too.
This supply of whale penis leather may actually be one of the most famous supplies of whale penis leather ever, because before it ended up covering the seats of that infamous DARTZ, that same supply, sold by Leonard’s uncle, was used to cover another famous set of seats: six barstools on the Christina O, the yacht owned by the famous Greek shipping Magnate Aristotle Onassis.
Onassis delighted in the fact that his barstools were upholstered in whale penis leather, and it’s said he never missed a chance to remind people of that, especially women. “Ladies, you are sitting on the largest penises on the planet,” he would say to women seated at his bar, creepily, before retiring to a corner, I assume, to furtively jerk off with delight at his joke. They’re on penis skin, you see! Like a penis has!
So, while it can’t be conclusively proven that the Prombron Red Diamond’s whale penis leather came from the same batch as Onassis’ bar stool upholstery, most of the circumstances point to that being the case. Same type of skin, same source and vendor, just three decades later. And new whale penis skin was pretty impossible to source since 1986, when the global commercial International Whaling Commission moratorium went into effect. As Leonard said to me, “even whale hunters from Norway can’t help” and that the leather he got was from an “old dick.”
So, that whale penis leather on the DARTZ from 2009 is very likely to be from the same old whale dick that Aristotle Onassis used on his famous boat, which gives those car seats some pretty impressive pedigree.
Even if DARTZ used old-stock whale penis leather, they still got a lot of blowback from animal rights groups, prompting Leonard to issue a press release in later 2009 that pledged that DARTZ would use artificial (but still very luxury-grade) materials on future SUVs, and included this incredible statement of solidarity with the whale population:
“Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”
The “three whales” thing refers to an old Russian folklore saying, but even without knowing that, it’s a pretty powerful statement of cetacean support.
So, that’s the backstory to the whale penis leather seats: it wasn’t done for hype or going viral, because the goal was just to find the softest leather DARTZ could get. And that leather happened to be in the supply of Leonard’s uncle, who also used (very likely) that same supply of whale penis leather to outfit Aristotle Onassis’ yacht. It’s old dick leather from Moby Dick, and it’s very likely that there will never be a car with such upholstery ever again.
(Top image: DARTZ, NOAA, Wikimedia Commons)
Was there a retired whale mohel on staff?
I’m so NOT going to click that link…
I did. And I love the first paragraph!
I did, too, and I then followed the link in that story to the “America’ Top Mohels” article. I thought that maybe there’s some sort of award like a Golden Foreskins, but I guess not. Pretty cool that one guy has a “MOHEL” license plate, though.
The link led me down a sheretz hole of interesting information, too. Thanks to Jason!
Does the seat become firmer the longer you rub your ass against it?
That only happens if you go with the lower budget option… the incel-penis leather interior.
I thought virgin would cost more.
It’s a supply/demand thing. Incels are just not in demand for some reason… LOL
Sad to hear that even the Norwegians can’t help. I was looking forward to commissioning a whale penis leather jacket.
Maybe The Japanese can help, for research porpoises of course.
I’ll never own a DARTZ Prombron Monaco Red Diamond or a luxury yacht for that matter, but if I did my user name here on theAutopian> would certainly be…
“I have a whale penis”
Not Moby’s Dick?
I feel like that name would go over like a Led Zeppelin
I see what you did there.
Somehow, I remember the VW Routan. It was the most handsome minivan that Chrysler ever made, excepting of course the Pacifica.
Also, this fasinating article feels a bit like a ‘Six Degrees of Jackie Kennedy’ thing, connecting this website to JFK’s bride.
I didn’t know Chrysler made the VW Routan.
I used to see one every day. The same one, and it was the VW dealer’s service shuttle.
Unrelated, but I’ve been seeing the white Jag i-Pace crossovers that Waymo has been using all over LA for years now gradually getting replaced with lavender-colored EV minivans of Chinese origin (I think). They’re still covered in all the spinning cameras/LIDAR sensors like the Jags were, though the various stuck-on bumps are a bit more streamlined now. Rarely, I see the new Kia EV van (PV9 is it called?) also painted that soft, muted shade of lavender. The Kia looks great.
I like vans, from those little Mazda 5 microvans that look good but did very poorly in crash tests, to the latest Sienna/Odessy/Carnival ones, which are as expensive as a higher-trim mid-size crossover. It’s nice to be able to carry a lot of stuff or dogs (or people, if you insist) and also be comfortable.
I’m still irked that GM killed the Chevy/Brightdrop van. Fedex is still using the ones they bought and they look great on the road, especially when you consider they cost a chunk less than the Amazon/Rivian van does.
I feel it’s necessary to insert the required biggus dickus reference here because it fits.
Bonus points if you had worked in Long Duc Dong with it.
“it’s very likely that there will never be a car with such upholstery ever again.”
I for one am OK with that.
Agreed. Houndstooth and plaid are my personal favorites.
Excellent choices, especially in wool.
Pasha is the best automotive upholstery.
Oh man. I miss the good old days of cetacean dick skin car trim. That was Jalopnik at its peak. Leo Yankelovich casually dropping by the comments section has to be in my pantheon of greatest Jalopnik memories, right up there with the ‘He tought you were a Passat’ CTOD that appears to have been scrubbed from the internet.
I wonder if Leo Yankelovich is still lurking around. If so, hi Mr. Yankelovich, huge fan of your work! No one has perfected the art of making fun of rich assholes as you have!
Oh shit I just noticed the last comment right before mine!!!!
Hi everyone, I am real Leo, the man behind this dramatic comedy.
My huge thank to Torch for reviving these old good memories.
It’s funny coincidence – but DARTZ penetrate world market on a whale dick.
And I have zero idea that it will happen.
After article in Jalopnik, story went viral via Colbert Report and then worldwide.
So both DARTZ and Jalopnik got it’s dose of fame.
Beside dose of fame I got my dose of proposals – one of them to make same with my dick. Lucky – toy cars have no leather interiors ).
But – from then we are forever “whale foreskin interior” car builders.
Let’s say company which is located in Latvia, which population now may be a bit more than one million, whale dick was the only way.
As – who knows that Sikorsky, yes, this man Igor Sikorsky, Helicopter G-dfather start his was to world fame at same place, our ancestors, RBVZ factory in Riga? I am sure not so many people knows that.
Much more people know about whales ).
Mr. Yankelovich! So good to have you around. My love for cars is normally proportional to my despise towards auto execs, but I’ll always make an exception for you. If I ever make it in life, I’ll get in touch with you to comission some whale dick skin upholstery for a Renault 4.
Believe it ir not we are a bit fans of Renault – we have and had a lot of Traffics.
Especially we love old, “dick-head” [sorry again dick] design.
Dreaming to create so-called business van based on Traffic – hope dream will come true in nearest decade. Good news: they had tank in their logo.
We have no tank on logo, but, debatable, worlds first tank was created on our ancestors factory – RBVZ.
Of course all my stories sound strange and shocking for Americans – that in some Riga was created worlds first tank, and Sikorsky started his career at same place – but these are solid facts.
Your stories have always sounded delightfully bonkers to this Portuguese fan of yours! Nothing to be sorry about regarding the phallic themes; you’ve used dick jokes as a very bold marketing device, but you also turned them it into an art form in a way, and without ever coming across as crude or disrespectful in my opinion!
So good to hear of your appreciation for Renaults! I’m a fan of the first gen Trafics, but not so much after that. Newer ones are pretty ubiquitous here in Portugal, and they seem like very sturdy, dependable workhorses, but in terms of design, they’re just vans from a period of automotive design I don’t care for. My taste in cars is eclectic in a way – I love the Lada Niva as much as I love the E32 BMW 7-series or the Bugatti EB110 – but it’s very much limited to stuff deisgned before mid-90s, and sadly I can’t say I like most of what Renault has put out over the last 30 years or so (but that goes pretty much for every single automaker). I make a few exceptions for more modern cars I find iconic, of course; I love stuff as diverse as that new Kia van, the Renault Avantime, the Citroën C6, the Tata Nano, the Volvo C30, or your take on the T-98 Kombat. But my bread and butter mostly stuff that’s been designed up until 35 years ago.
Anyway, great to see you around, hope you’re doing well! Curious about what kind of business ventures you’re into at this time, and whether Dartz is planning any new offerings in the coming years!
“DARTZ penetrate world market on a whale dick” – Now THAT’s how you penetrate the world market!
Markets welcome Dartz whale dick into it’s fold.
Mr Leo, it is lovely and amazing to hear from you. I recommend you buy membership to The Autopian at Real Corinthian Leather level. Thank you.
I keep saying there needs to be a Whale Penis Leather tier above that.
Cetacean Cock Cordovan Patron, or CCCP
Maybe there is! IYKYK.
Do we really know what Corinthian leather is? Just saying….
You and your company are legendary. So glad you found our little corner of the internet! And hear the whole story!
Since he mentioned mohels I’m obilgated to link the SNL ad parody of the Mercury diamond-cutter one from the ’70s;
Royal Deluxe II: SNL’s Hilarious Bris Commercial | TikTok
And “Benjamin Canter” my ass, we all know that’s Torch.
Technically, the original whale penis upholstery on Christina O. became too fragile over time, so, in the last big refit, the bar stools were covered with regular cow leather. The whale penis upholstery is still there, its just under the new protective leather covers so you can’t sit directly on it anymore
May be overused? Everything became weaker in time )
Aha, barstool condoms.
Sheeps leather would be that traditional choice. With all the whale scenes in there perhaps they should have gone full buffalo leather.
Actually original condoms were made from animal bladders and intestines. You could actually have a whale condom on a whale penis.
Frankly I doubt a sheep condom would work because how would you seal the 6 or so sheep material together to seal a whale penis.
It’s like putting Porsche bumpers on a Humvee
So like a condom?
yoink
A few of my friends are doing the three kids in an overcoat thing for our Whale Penis costume this Halloween(er).
Vincent Adultman lives! Awesome.
Also, will we be canceled from the internet for making jokes like “Three kids in a foreskin outfit?”
As long as the Whale Penis meat was not wasted, I guess it’s OK.
That’s what she said
It’s used in sausages…
Okay – but what kind of whale?
Sperm?
Blue?
Humpback?
Inquiring minds want to know….
It may be from a blue whale, but definitely not a white one.
COTD 🙂
I’d guess sperm duh
A 10 foot penis? Thar she blows!
I’d say 2nd most valuable car because
Let me tell the story of Minnie the Moocher and her Diamond car with Platinum Wheels.
Hiddie hiddie hey
All I can add is I’m glad I never used a urinal next to Uncle
The weirdest thing about that song is the King of Sweden being so profligate, when the Swedish royals are more known for being fairly frugal
I suspect a car from the King of Sweden would just be a stock Volvo, with cloth seats.
They do have about 20 cars that are rotated for official state use, some stretched Volvo limos, an old Cadillac Fleetwood, a Daimler DS420, and the king himself personally owns a Shelby Cobra, a classic Mustang, and a very rare prewar Volvo PV60
I kinda feel shafted that there are no interior pictures of the seats.
It is a dick move but I understand them not having the balls to deal with any copyright suits.
When took delivery, the interior was already full of junk.
NO ONE WANTS INTERIOR PICTURES
The story of this images – are separate story ).
I think this article definitively falls under the truth is stranger than fiction category.
No way this one makes the list of things no one read!
I absolutely do remember the crystal nonsense that was/is Vertu phones. Trying to imbue a fungible device with permanence is the height of folly. Sort of like “drink edition” luxury vodka.
Also, just… wow. Everyone knows about Dartz cetacean dick upholstery, but this… even on the outside chance those ultra Russo-anglophone transcripts are legit… it’s beyond glorious. This might be the scoopiest scoop in all of auto journalism. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
This is the best place on the internet. Godspeed, ye Autopian gentlemen, and extremely forebearing lady crafters of great copy.
Also, everyone please be nice to whales. Our Sea Brothers are probably smarter than us. They have no use for Vertu phones.
Okay, so I watched the video linked above and I’m reasonably bought in on the veracity of this story. Sorry to cast aspersions. The quotes were just so pitch-perfect that it seemed too good to be true. I live in an area with a large Russian population and almost reflexively say “Ya ne govoryu po-angliyski“ (“I don’t speak English“) whenever someone asks me for a smoke.
That’s fuckin’ weird – and that’s standard soviet tradition, to speak only russian. I am not Russian – but we all, people who lived in former USSR are counted as “russians”. I live in Latvia – and same here – lot of people hate to speak Latvian. Not just don’t know – literally hate. Same – as I know Germany or Israel. I still remember when I was first time on Brighton Beach, and it was 1993, we asked one man about directions, on our broken English: answer was “no, nooo only rashn”. But let’s not dive deep in to politics – now this language issue became literally dangerous.
My college mentor was a translator of Slavic languages… primarily Polish, she worked with Milosz and Gombrowicz… so to some small degree I understand the unease that remains in the Baltics. I wish you peace.
As a former smoker every smoker knows the universal symbol for can I bum a smoke
My wife can tell you. The largest whale penises are 12 ft long, and 3 feet at the base. ….
Long story, but I do believe that to be accurate. Those divers with the measuring tape had no idea what danger they were in!
You must be the most confident man I ever heard of. Sure cowboys have to compete against horses but a 12 foot penis with 3 feet of girth? That would make most men permanently suffer from erectile dysfunction.
I hope that doesn’t happen now that you think about it? LOL
I drive a Miata.
I have no issues that need compensating 🙂
Agreed 100%! 😀 Not to brag (ha!) but I too drive a Miata (my second) and anecdotally, the vast majority of Miatas that I see are being driven by grey-haired, late-middle-age guys like myself. I would hazard a guess that were it possible to accurately determine the average penis length of Miata drivers vs. the general population, Miata drivers would come out (no pun intended) considerably ahead. 😉
I mean, measurements are so subjective. Was it engorged or flaccid? What was the temperature of the water? Do whales experience shrinkage? Grower or shower? etc.
Honestly… that’s actually something I never, never thought I’d type. Funny how things stick in your brain. “The 12 foot long / 3 feet at the base” came from a documentary we saw, probably on PBS -when we were dating back in 1982 or so. Some divers were filming 2 whales getting it on, and being PBS, the images filled the screen.
I think the actual narration was (in your best Richard Attenborough voice.) “The whale’s penis can be as large as 12 feet long and as wide as 3 feet at the base. Little did the divers know what danger they were in”.
Of course we looked at eachother and cracked up laughing. Ever since that night, that line become a permanent running joke in our lives, especially during times of… intimacy. Like I said… she knows 🙂
12 foot long and 3 feet wide I’d say it doesn’t matter.
How much you want to bet they were interns?
What do you do for a living opens up a whole new conversation
I doubt the world’s biggest dick that bought and rode around one of these to overcompensate would want to acknowledge that larger dicks exist.
Wow. What a journey.
This is the penetrating journalism I subscribe for. Thanks for doing the hard work Torch.
“…the biggest, longest-lasting impact…” indeed.
Moby Dick leather indeed. Only one problem with that reference, and that’s that Moby Dick couldn’t be caught.
Doesn’t Moby Dick include one sailor making an apron from a whale penis?
Not that I recall – at least not in the book. I haven’t seen all the movies though. Even so, It wouldn’t have been Moby Dick’s penis.
You sure you’re not confusing Moby Dick with the movie Moby’s Dick?
(Please don’t let there be a porn parody movie called that…)
Rule 42, there is no way there isn’t.
You are right. Chapter 95, The Cassock
Here’s a synopsis of the chapter
https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/moby-dick-the-cassock
See also
https://beigemoth.blog/2023/02/20/chapter-95-the-cassock/
OK, I guess I need to read it again. Maybe I just didn’t realize what it referred to, or maybe It’s a passage I’ve read as I fall asleep and miss out on the comprehension.
Thanks. I was only aware of this because QI talked about it. But they’re not always right.
Yeah, I have a memory of it saying whale penis was a common way to make aprons.
Not in the original The Essex, the original Moby Dick, or any of 3 Moby Dick movies/tv shows maybe they did a Moby Dick Cooking Show? Probably entirely seafood based.
So in that case what would a Plymouth Road Runner be upholstered in?
(and yeah I know the serious answer is vinyl).
Road runner, of course. It would take a lot of them, given their size, but it might be worth it.
I think they had a supply issue. Lack of delivery from the Wile E. Coyote company.