After nearly a decade of radio silence and grand promises, the new Tesla Roadster is almost here. And my god, is it ever much, much weirder than imagined. For one, it looks completely different to the second-generation Roadster we saw roughly a decade ago. Think less Model 3 and more Lotus Esprit, with a wedgy silhouette and billionaire doors. There’s even a touch of Reventon to the general headlight shape, a bit of Diablo GTR to the front bumper, and a whiff of Testarossa to the haunches. However, what’s around back is even more interesting.
As shown in the absurd launch video, like the McMurtry Speirling the new Tesla Roadster is a fan car, capable of sucking itself down to the pavement even when parked, seemingly with enough force to hold it upside-down at a standstill. The fans work with an active rear wing to manipulate downforce on demand, with a low-drag configuration for high-speed running, a high-downforce configuration for track work, and settings in between. From Tesla:
Our multi-mode fan and ground sealing system acts as a downforce generator, pulling air out from beneath the vehicle. This provides enough suction to hold the vehicle upside down, even when stationary. Powered fans and active wings maximize traction and cornering speeds in all conditions, achieving massive downforce at zero speed. A next-gen steer-by-wire system offers incredible feedback in various road conditions. Activate Track Mode to lower the car and transform the suspension. High downforce or low drag modes can then be used as needed on the track.
The fans aren’t the party piece everyone will be talking about, though, and neither is the inboard suspension. The Roadster features a bevy of cold-gas thrusters aim to aid acceleration and, um, other stuff. The former, resulting in a claimed zero-to-60 mph time of 0.81 seconds. The latter, well…
On Tesla’s livestream, the marque showed the Roadster kickflipping over the entire Tesla range, including the Semi. No ramp, just vertical takeoff. Is that even legal? Actually, don’t answer that. Other stuff you need to know: A 230 MPH top speed, steer-by-wire, and targeted production in 2028. Still, zero-to-60 mph in 0.81 seconds alone would be insane. The quickest production cars on the planet right now take nearly a second longer. And flight? Flight? Really?
If this actually makes it to production as-is, it’s going to be bonkers. Elon Musk, wearing a T-shirt roughly two sizes too tight, just announced he wants to see it jump the Snake River Canyon. Tesla also claims to be targeting an eventual top speed of Mach 0.5, or about 383 MPH. Dozens more miles-per-hour than even the fastest existing machinery, and that’s even being generous and assuming the from-behind-the-balls measurement of a unidirectional run is used. There are plenty of reasons to be skeptical here. Skeptical of legislative approval, of the usefulness of the technology, of whether the Roadster will meet its lofty targets. It’s definitely warranted.
This isn’t the first time Tesla’s made grand promises, and a car with a vertical is perhaps the grandest yet. The marque’s light on information about how it’ll achieve its targets, how much it will cost, EPA range, and all that. But it can do a kickflip. Right. What we can say for now is that the first versions of the car will have the fan system, but will only have rockets at the back. Other axes of thrust allegedly come later, and are invitation-only.
In some ways, it’s like if Tesla took that Lamborghini bit from “Top Gear” literally. Invisible, lasers, can fly, etc. Of course the glass is tinted with copper. Of course Tesla claims the paint on the Roadster is optimized for space. Because that’s a real concern of most customers. Of course the seating position’s fixed like in a Ford GT, and of course it’s steer-by-wire like a Cybertruck. Come to think of it, steer-by-wire might be a benefit at high speeds, just slowing the ratio right down so the private equity guys who’ll buy these won’t immediately enter the nearest hedge backwards.
Even the concept of a rocket-assisted production car is very dumb. Sure, cold-gas thrusters don’t involve combustion and instead rely on pressurized inert gas to generate thrust, but is giving people the option to use them a brilliant idea? I mean, you’d draw some extraordinarily derisive gestures if you attempted to use them at the lights. Or in the McDonald’s drive-thru. And don’t get me started on thrusters beneath the car. That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, a real-life version of the vertical takedown from the “Burnout” franchise if used irresponsibly. Come to think of it, what would using it responsibly look like? Racetracks would generally frown upon it, airfields might not be happy, how many places in the world will give express permission to launch a Tesla Roadster straight up into the air?
However, one thing’s undeniable: This is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen. It leaves the world with so many more questions than answers right now, and it’ll be fun seeing where some of those answers lead. Especially because what we all saw basically redlines the bullshitometer. What an absolutely unhinged thing. You can certainly accuse the new Tesla Roadster of a lot, but ‘being boring’ isn’t on the list. Either we’re looking at the next Veyron or the next piece of vaporware. Only one way to find out, right?
More Images:
Top graphic image: Tesla
lol…
… And if Porsche had been the one to come out with something so incredible, you’d be gushing over it without a skeptical word…
I have the same suspension on my curb find Wal-Mart mountain bike. I guess all it needs now is some rockets and I’ll be a billionaire.
Fugly swasticar
If this thing ever enters production with all this, prepare for:
Roadster: No, it’s not
It’s almost here: No, it isn’t
It will have thrusters: No, it won’t
Redlines the bullshitometer: Yes, it does
Call me a curmudgeon (or something even worse, if you wish) but I feel skeptical that there will ever be a regular production car with all of these features available to buyers ever, let alone by 2028. Even though Musk seems to get to be co-President from time to time, I’d doubt that the regulatory and insurance and traffic law revisions necessary to use these features on public roads would be doable by ’28, let alone the car itself.
What really grinds my gears (such an anachronistic expression, what with EVs and all) is that ANY amount of development talent, time, and money was spent making this theoretically multi-million thing for the 1%ers, instead of giving the world a decent yet affordable (i.e.: entry level) EZ. 🙁
How is it a “roadster” if it’s a coupe with a roof?
At the risk of navel-gazing, I would like to read the Autopian writers’ thoughts on how they handle and report on an event like this. I imagine their feelings are all over the map, but how much credence do they give to any of this Roadster nonsense, and what sense of obligation do they feel to report on it nonetheless?
They seem to be handling it in about the same way as the Dreame vaporware concept that also had rockets strapped to the back…
AS much as I can’t stand Elon, I had dared to hope maybe the roadster really would be a cool EV sports car-it would be about time and and for all that I detest the man he clearly employs some very skilled engineers and unfortunately does seem to now inspire the industry some, a genuinely ground breaking lightweight EV sports car would I think be something many of us here would’ve been excited about. A pity so much effort (if this is even close to real) was wasted on something that as near as I can tell has essentially no practical value unless SNES F-Zero style racing becomes a thing (which admittedly might be kinda cool) and even IF that were a thing it’s still useless for the vast majority of humankind. (though it does look better than I expected give the Cybertruck was his last baby)
The Cybercab is probably the last baby, and that looks good in my opinion. The star of the show was options that most people aren’t going to have. A two second to 60 sports car with a range of over 600 is huge though. Who else can touch that range
I mean sure though the cybercab came after the truck and looks decent though imo basically just looks like the cut the backdoors off of a model 3 and then gave it a garish gold paint job (and I’ve seen a couple in person roaming my neighborhood).
As far as the Roadster’s performance, I guess I’m just skeptical of anything from them until I read road tests from 3rd parties. If any legit reviewer drives one and confirms those claims and it’s at a price even close to what the average person can at least aspire to then I’ll grudgingly admit that’s quite impressive. Given how little of the hype the Cybertruck lived up to I’m not holding my breath though.
It’s impossible to touch because it isn’t real.
I can’t decide if this is the automobile equivalent of the OceanGate sub, or the automobile equivalent of the experimental WW2 Nazi jets that melted their pilots.
If this was Yahoo! Auto this line would be fine, but come the fuck on man. The Autopian KNOWS this shit ain’t gonna be real. Anyone who buys into Musk’s bullshit at this point deserves to be fleeced.
Now, as a random asshole leaving a comment on a website, I can say basically whatever I want. But I know journalists can get in trouble for calling a lying asshole a lying asshole. Even if you were 100% right, lawsuits are neither cheap nor easy to deal with. But this Roadster shtick is so, so tired. He’s doing it to goose stock prices as usual, and people without critical thinking skills clap like seals and go “WOAH THAT’S SO COOL!!1”
This could potentially accelerate the death of many a billionaire.
That wouldn’t be a bad thing.
Carnegie gave us libraries.
Rockefeller gave us Acadia National Park.
The MacArthurs gave us the Genius Grant.
Musk gave us… toys for manchildren.
And flight? Flight? Really?
*Looks at Mirai*
Hold my beer…
Can I just have an affordable fun to drive sporty EV that doesn’t need to do backflips?
Apparently not.
Nope, because they can’t charge $80,000-$120,000 for it then. Gotta justify those markups somehow.
Someone probably already said it in the comments, but I expect it to work as well as his “bulletproof” armor glass.