Back in college, I had a girlfriend who drove a pair of gold-colored cars, each more garbage than the last. They were both hand-me-down cars that she didn’t have the luxury of choosing, so I can’t blame her poor judgement. She was actually pretty rational, and likely would never have picked either of these. The first one was a Plymouth Gold Duster, which had an imitation snakeskin vinyl half-roof and may be the worst-handling car I’ve ever driven. On the highway it felt like trying to guide a sofa with four bars of soap under its feet. It was garbage. I once had to tow it with my Beetle up a hill, off the road where it had died.
The Gold Duster was replaced with a similarly gold Chevy Cavalier, an ’82 or ’83, I think. Where the Duster at least had a bit of deadbeat charm about it, the Cavalier was aggressively boring and soulless, so it really had nothing to compensate for the fact that it was also just a genuinely shitty car.
I was thinking about this car because I happened to see this Instagram post showing a video clip from what I think was some Chevy promotional video, highlighting the Cavalier’s ground clearance via a row of lightbulbs:
View this post on Instagram
This is a deeply weird comparison to highlight, though the smashing lightbulbs do give the demonstration a nice bit of drama. But think about what they’re really showing off here – a half inch or so of extra ground clearance? On a car that was barely even meant to go on a gravel road?
That 1982 or 1983 Cavalier they’re comparing to the Honda Accord, Ford Escort, and Toyota Corolla really only had that half inch or so of space between car and ground to crow about. The Cavalier was in no other context as good as a Corolla, definitely not an Accord, and really not even the Escort.
I remember driving my girlfriend’s Cavalier. It had a 3-speed auto that was like a black hole for whatever power that 1.8-liter, too-heavy, rough-idling inline-four could fart out, and the thing felt like a slug. My Beetle could leave it in the dust at stoplights, with at about 30 hp less. Fewer? Maybe fewer.
These things were such steaming piles. This brochure has a sort of quasi-religious look to it, but I promise you, the Almighty had nothing to do with the creation of the Cavalier. When it says “Chevy makes good things happen to you” they must be referring to the day you get rid of the Cavalier and get, I don’t know, anything else.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. But think about the poor bastards trying to sell these, watching these dealer training videos and getting a sinking pit-of-stomach feeling when thinking about the fact that their potential buyers could just drive 10 minutes and test drive a new Accord.
Chevy did offer these in a nice variety of body styles, and the wagon was a tidy thing that did offer a lot of room, at least. And the fastback one was kind of slick, too.
I mean, look at that guy in his white Miami Vice suit and sunglasses, leaning up against that palm tree, ready to lure the local honeys into his Cavalier. “Check it out, baby, this radio gets FM, too“, he’ll point out, proudly. “Yeah, it’s supposed to sound like that, dollface – that’s what we Cavalier owners call the power rattle,” he coos to her, as she grips the armrest tighter, alarmed by all the vibration and noise as the car attempts to crest a hill.
They did update the Cavalier in 1984 to have quad headlamps, and the option of a better V6 engine was available. They still were saddled with a bunch of too-heavy components from GM’s larger X-body cars and interiors that felt like a DMV waiting room, but on the plus side they had this commercial that really made saying the word “hot” into a freaking event:
Hhhhhot!
I noticed that a segment of the ’84 Cavalier commercial seems to have been filmed in the Vegas Loop, which Elon Musk apparently started work on at age 13. Who knew?
I’m confused, I don’t beleive the Vegas loop has been around for even 6 years, was the company making it started that far back or something?
My buddy had one of these, an 86. We cut holes in the floor in the back seat so we could drive it out onto the (frozen) river and fish.
My first new car was a Chevy Cavalier 83? maybe an 84? does it really matter? it was a base model coupe with manual trans, Second day of ownership took off from a light and when I hit second gear the whole shifter came off in my hand. Surprisingly tt only went downhill from that point,
How’d you get it home if it only went downhill?
Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.
That lightbulb ad is bonkers! It’s not like these were off road vehicles competing…ha ha. I do like that black Cavalier in the pic w/ cocaine dude…only because I used to have an 86 Sunbird hatchback in black w/ blue interior. It even had the fog lights in the front. They weren’t the greatest cars, but I sorta miss mine. I thought about putting a screaming chicken on the hood to make it a poor man’s Trans Am, but never did. I miss Pontiac!
Maybe I’m being too harsh
Nope. My parents bought an 82 4-door and the check engine light came on at 30k and stayed on for the next 8 years, during which the car would not go over 65 mph. The interior began disintegrating about the same time.
You could identify it a block away by the distinct sound of every valve rattling.
It was a lemon among lemons, and everyone we knew that had one felt the same way.
This must have been inspiration for the future champagne glasses on the hood add from Lexus
the most memorable weirdness about those first gen cavaliers was the oil filter location and the requirement to access it through the passenger side wheel well. Hated it at first, but figured out a way to do it with just turning the wheel and using a wobble bit on a correct sized filter socket.
Unpopular take: 80’s Cavaliers were much better than the 90s Cavaliers with the burlap-like fabric glued on to the foam of the seats, the rubbery steering wheel, the rattly doors w/o a window frame. And the 80s Cavvy was a much the step up from the prior Citation. Plus the 80’s Cavvy gave us the Cimarron! Much unloved Caddy! In the Malaise era, bad is relative.
The Citation existed simultaneously with the Cavalier. It was positioned between that and the Celebrity. Maybe you’re thinking of the Chevette? Which genuinely was appallingly bad
I went to engineering school in my new cavalier. My buddy had a new accord. It hit me like a punch to the face how good the accord was. Velvet lined coin drawer. silent smooth engine. Maintenance reminder indicators. HVAC air selector for inside or outside air. A/C could be engaged at any time. 1 key for door and ignition. insert it upside down or right side up. Locked gas cap door. etc. the gm POS had none of these. It was my last domestic. vile offensive garbage for the low IQ
When my parents moved to California in 1984 to be with their adult children they bought a new Accord. True, it was boring, but it was much better built and reliable than the equivalent domestic vehicles. At that time I was still driving my 4-speed manual brown ’81 Corolla which was faultless from the reliability perspective. I was spooked enough with domestic quality that I didn’t buy another domestic vehicle until my 2027 Bolt EV this past March. So far, it is very solid and fit and finish are excellent.
GM didn’t have to make better cars back then.
Growing up in mid Michigan during that era, no one in my neighborhood had cars from foreign manufacturers. Everyone worked at one of the big three or auto adjacent companies. People bought this junk because buying an “import” was an insult to your family, friends, and neighbors. It was a very different world.
Same here. I found it funny at the mention that you could drive 10 minutes and test drive a Honda Accord.
In Michigan in the 80’s Japanese cars basically didn’t exist. A few people might drive a Volvo, Mercedes or VW but nobody was going to be seen driving a car from the much hated Japanese.
I feel a joke coming on… “How many Toyotas does it take to screw in (I mean break) a light bulb?” or something more clever than that. Someone help me out!
How did the Toyota feel about the light bulb test? Delighted.
How is this different from rolling a stupid marble around a car’s body panel gaps? Or having a bunch of champagne glasses on its hood while it drives on some rollers?
They are all just silly dramatic demonstrations that mean very little in the real world. Hell, I would argue that having some decent road clearance is more important than if a body panel gap is 3.0 mm or 3.5 mm.
This is just Torch being Torch and hating on GM simply because he has a platform to do it. To be clear, ALL cars in the early 80s were pieces of crap. If you think your beloved Accord or Camry was better than a Cavalier, you might want to take off those rose-colored glasses. They were all garbage compared to anything sold in the last decade.
You clearly never drove the competing Accord before the salt ate it. Insanely better car on roads not next to a great lake. The change in market share over the decade wasn’t without cause.
My parents had an early 90s Accord. That was an awesome car. Such a low bent line made it feel very airy even though it wasn’t a particularly big car.
But the 80s era Accords were nothing to write home about. ALL 80s era were pieces of crap.
I had a drivers license in the 80s and was “lucky”? enough to drive a Cavalier and a few Accords. They were not the same. I didn’t love the auto in the Honda, but with a clutch it was fun.
Yeah, the Accord/Camry were only…a million times better. My 1st car was an 87 Camry and have had 2 3rd gen Accords. They were great reliable cars. What a backwards comment
The two test you call out were relevant. Consistent panel gaps demonstrate build quality. Most American cars of the era were built like early Teslas with atrocious panel gaps. Because the parts didn’t fit together well, they rattled and creaked, in a way that competing Euro and Asian cars simply didn’t. The champagne test? That demonstrated real world ride quality differences, go ahead, set a champagne glass on the manifold of my old 302 Ford and rev it up. That glass WILL spill. Do the same on the 1UZ in my 100 series and it doesn’t spill. I’ll tell you which one transmits less vibration to the cabin.
What exactly does the light bulb test demonstrate? That Chevy has moderately more ground clearance? Well, that makes a K5 Blazer the best car in the world then!
The Champagne test didn’t mean shit. Cushy American cars from the 80s and 90s were infinitely more comfortable than the hard suspension nonsense that we have today just because people were fooled into thinking everything needed to be “sporty”.
And having more ground clearance is absolutely important. Especially to more rural folks – these cars predated the mass acceptance of crossovers and SUVs by decades, so a car that wouldn’t rip off its oil pan was considered a plus.
I would venture that if you lived in a place where damage to your oil pan was a serious concern, a small city car of that era of any kind was not an appropriate vehicle. You might as well advertise how waterproof your loafers are.
I don’t hate GM! I still think GM is one of the greatest engineering powerhouses in the world, when they set their mind to it. The Corvair is one of my favorite cars! I drove both Accords and Cavaliers back in the day, and I promise you, there was a difference.
Where did you live in the 70’s and 80’s? Geography is huge when it comes to car brands in that timeframe.
The plain fact was that an Accord or Camry of that era was dramatically and obviously built better in every possible way. You knew it as a driver and you knew it as a passenger. It was night and day. If you were actually there and driving back then and think Cavaliers matched up, maybe you need to get checked for dementia.
I can’t be the only one who brings a board of lighted bulbs to their test drives? Break a bulb and we’re knocking some off that asking price.
I dunno, floods, plagues, boils, the Cavalier. Sounds pretty on brand to me. 😉
Chevrolet: Taking Charge could be a good slogan for their EVs now. Although associating the word “hot” with it might lead people to think about batteries catching on fire, so perhaps that part should be left in the past.
Anyone who has nostalgia for much of the ’80s should be forced to drive a 1982 Cavalier while paying a 5-year car note on it with interest rates well in the double digits off the dealer lot.
“But they were cheap afterwards!” Because they were rusted out and mechanically finished about 8 years after they drove off said dealer lot.
Interest rate of 17%.
I’ve seen the full video. They ran the Escort through the demo first, then the Cavalier, then the Japanese cars. That’s important, Ford’s slogan was “Ford has a Better Idea!” with a lightbulb replacing the o in Ford. They were mocking that, and “mocking” was the right term since the video was made for Chevy salesmen not the public.
All I can say is it must’ve taken some solid coffee and donuts to get the salesmen into the Mandatorium for Sales Training Video Day.
When these first came out, I was recruited for a focus group from attendees at the LA auto show. We didn’t even see the cars moving, but we hated them.
As I left, I heard one of the moderators say “That was brutal.”
No worse than those cars deserved
Back in the day one of my friends had an early-90s Cavalier that he bought brand new. Black on black, no AC, vinyl seats. In the summer it smelled like a locker room. At least it was a manual, so you could make it move if you had to.
My Hyundai Scoupe was objectively better in every metric. And cheaper.
I’ve spent plenty of time ragging on all generations of Cavalier here, and I’m usually a promoter of small, craptacular cars. But the Cavalier simple had zero joy baked into it, it really felt like GM was actively punishing you for choosing a small car.
My mom bought a new Cavalier in the early 90’s to replace our 80’s Sonata that had exploded (shocker of the year) without my Dad or us kids involved. Sort of just bought the cheapest, available car that could work for a family of 4 (at the time). We all protested the decision so badly that she returned it (dealer wasn’t a dick about it) for a lightly used Lumina sedan. My mom had never checked out the backseat, which was akin to sitting on a concrete park bench. It was brand new and half the panels were rattling on the drive back to the dealer. It had AC, but it didn’t work at all FROM THE FACTORY, lol. The Sonata, outside of you know, exploding, was a vastly nicer car. Which was a Hyundai from the 80s.
I will continue to ask the commentariat to remove their rose-colored glasses regarding “Cavaliers that ran poorly but forever”. These things just plain sucked, and Chevy got the ass-whopping from the imports they deserved.
When I think “ran poorly forever” I’m thinking of the late 90s/early 00s ones. Aside from maybe an iron duke s-10, anything chevy from the 80s can be truncated to “ran poorly”
My 2001 S-10 4.3 AT still runs just fine. The crank windows do also. 🙂
My family had a 2001 and 2003 Cavalier. The 2003 got wrecked at a hundred-something thousand miles – that one had crank windows.
The 2001 was a loaded gold coupe. They took it down to Phoenix with them in 2006, so it never succumbed to rust. My dad did the drivers window motor 3 times and the passenger twice before giving up. The sun visors were both broken, the passenger seat stopped sliding making the back seat even more useless, the shift knob broke so it wasn’t attached, the shitty sliding calipers kept seizing up and it would go through a set of brake pads every 5k miles. But the fuggin thing wouldn’t die. It was put on “extra car” duty when my dad got an old Ranger to fill his time restoring roadside furniture, and at 18 years old and 180k miles it got sold to a kid down the road who needed a car to take to college – last he heard a few years later it was still running.
President Reagan: Ok, Mr. Smith. You have two minutes of my attention.
Roger Smith, GEO, GM: I just want to make sure you pushed through that legislation to divide highways with rows of incandescent light bulbs.
Reagan: I’m afraid we decided against it.
Smith: Dammit, Mr. President, I already paid for the ads!
Reagan: Well run them anyway. I don’t give a crap.
Smith: Ok, team! You heard the President! We’re going with the light bulb add anyway. Try to put a positive spin on it.
It’s worth pointing out that those brochure pages with the full model lineup and the glamour shot of the fastback are tapping into the same 80’s vibe as the Freightliner brochure from yesterday.
I wonder how torch really feels about Chevy Cavaliers
I saw this on IG and sent it to my friend and said that this was the DUMBEST marketing sales point to try and make. Glad Torch agrees.
My Mom had an 86 Cavalier wagon in the late 80s. It was a pile. It was replaced in 1989 with a 1988 Chevy Celebrity Eurosport wagon, which was an even worse pile that didn’t last 2 years. The 91 Jeep Cherokee 4.0 it was replaced with was a damn revelation in terms of reliability.
And think of the light bulbs the Cherokee could drive over!
Sodium Vapor baby!