Home » Time To Look At A Few More Lemons Cars: Cold Start

Time To Look At A Few More Lemons Cars: Cold Start

Cs Lemons Jorts T
ADVERTISEMENT

As you may recall from yesterday – if not, check your journal entry from last night – I spent this past weekend judging the 24 Hours of Lemons race at Carolina Motorsports Park. As usual, there were all sorts of glorious abominations to the very concept of the automobile, and you, as a citizen of some country or another, have a right to know the kind of crap that was dragged in, with the wildly optimistic intent of racing. So, here, let’s look at some stuff!

Up top there is a car that proved to be the most disgusting of the race: a 1998 Kia Sephia from Mock Grass Racing that was covered at first in a layer of astroturf (hence the team name) but had now been gifted an extra layer of many, many jorts. Jean shorts, probably some Daisy Dukes, cutoffs, you name it. All denim, and after the hours and hours of rain we got over the weekend, all completely soaked. Even if it’s pure, delicious rainwater and not warm, redolent urine, wet jeans are still strangely gross.

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

What is it about wet denim that is so off-putting? Is it just memories of unpleasant times stuck in wet jeans, or is it something more? Anyway, this car was a dripping mess, and I bet all that soaking wet denim had to be adding, what 20 pounds of weight? Maybe? Water is eight pounds per gallon, and I bet at least two gallons of rainwater were trapped in all that indigo mess. Ew.

Cs Lemons Winner

Want to see what a Lemons winner looks like? There she is, in all her majestic glory. The number 53 car, the Ford Mavarette, which was a Corvette wearing the skin of a 1970 Maverick like some automotive equivalent of the Aztec ritual to the god Xipe Totec, that involved wearing someone’s flayed skin. This unholy beast won Class A, and was fast as hell and raced clean all weekend.

ADVERTISEMENT

Cs Lemons Amazon1

One of my favorite cars was this one, the Tunachucker’s 1966 Volvo Amazon, done up in POLIS livery. They were running an actual Volvo B20 engine in there, and also had a lighting detail I really appreciated:

Cs Lemons Amazon2

Recognize those? They’re Mercedes W110 fender indicator lights! I think they also doubled as stay-on-one-side parking lights like the Germans like so much. The team said I was the only person to recognize where they were from, but, hey, that’s what I do, baby!

Cs Lemons Camero

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s a nice detail: the Loose Nuts team finally corrected the spelling of the model name on their 2000 Camero. How does Chevy let these errors get out of the factory?

Cs Lemons 200sx

We gave the Index of Effluency to this little trooper, the Garbage Raced In The South (GRITS) team’s 1982 Nissan 200SX. This thing still had the proper four-banger motor – complete with twin plugs per cylinder – and kept going throughout the weekend. Charming little boxy thing.

Cs Lemons Gem

Remember GEM neighborhood electric vehicles? They kinda sucked. But this has to be the best-looking one I saw. That special pickup bed was actually made and sold for a few years there! It’s way better than what I usually saw on the back of these things.

ADVERTISEMENT

Cs Lemons B210 2

The Senior Citizens Club of America (SCCA, get it?) ran this fine little Datsun B210 that had a pretty rough weekend, really. But I liked it.

Cs Lemonsb210

I forgot how cool the sawtooth taillights of these things were! Too bad they got so lazy about incorporating the reflector.

Cs Lemons Lineup

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s a partial lineup of the top ten at the halfway point. See the pink Civic at the end? One of their team members had their truck stolen from their hotel! We gave them the I Got Screwed award, but, damn, that’s shitty.

Lemons racing is a blast, and you owe it to yourself to try it, at least once. You can use a pseudonym and none of your family has to know!

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on whatsapp
WhatsApp
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn
Share on reddit
Reddit
Subscribe
Notify of
31 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Mike
Mike
1 month ago

I’m still Impressed you I.D.’d those side marker lights on our Amazon so quickly. I spent months perusing period pictures of Swedish POLIS cars trying to figure out where they got those marker lights from (stock Amazons had no such illumination). When I finally did pin them down as MB lights, I had to scour international eBay and some random French car parts website to find a fairly shoddy pair of them. I retrofitted them with some cheap trailer LED’s and wired them to flash alternatingly with the red wig-wag lights on the roof, using some mechanical flashers and relay logic (none of this fancy solid-state electronics). The blue bubble light and roof-mounted spot are functional as well. These are, naturally, the things one prioritizes when building a LeMons car.

Andy Individual
Andy Individual
1 month ago

Are you going to do a food and beer review from this event?

Stef Schrader
Stef Schrader
1 month ago

“Garbage Raced In The South” is a hell of a team name. Well done, heh.

Joe The Drummer
Joe The Drummer
1 month ago
Reply to  Stef Schrader

Twenty years ago in my native Deep South, there was a regional clothing line that was sort of Salt Life before Salt Life, but for women: GRITS. Girls Raised In The South. I’m sure this is a take on that.

Later, there was a spoof brand called “SLUTS – Southern Ladies Up To Somethin’.”

Stef Schrader
Stef Schrader
1 month ago

Oh yeah, I remember GRITS. I feel like it was a saying before the t-shirts, though.

Zaphod's Heart of Gold
Zaphod's Heart of Gold
1 month ago

Good to see you out there this weekend!

Alan Christensen
Alan Christensen
1 month ago

Perhaps the truck was stolen by a self-appointed guardian of ‘Merican Masculinity who thought, “Anyone with a pink car doesn’t deserve a manly truck.”

Tim Cougar
Tim Cougar
1 month ago

Can’t unread GEM driver’s hat.

He is uninvited to my 8th birthday party.

Joe The Drummer
Joe The Drummer
1 month ago
Reply to  Tim Cougar

So he’s not allowed in your ool? Because he can’t keep it that way?

TriangleRAD
TriangleRAD
1 month ago

I can vouch for the charm of the ’82 200SX. I had one as my first car, although mine was the hatchback variant. I’m pretty sure only one set of plugs actually worked during the year-and-a-half I owned the car. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on the one pictured. It’s just asking to be made into a 240RS tribute.

Jj
Jj
1 month ago
Reply to  TriangleRAD

Was that a Nissan or a Datsun? I had an ’84 and I thought that was the first year they branded the cars Nissan. I think it was titled as a Datsun Nissan or something like that.

TriangleRAD
TriangleRAD
1 month ago
Reply to  Jj

In 82 and 83 the badge said, “Datsun 200SX by Nissan” In ’84 when the S12 200SX replaced the S110, they were badged “Nissan 200SX” on the back right, and had a Datsun badge on the back left. Starting in ’85 the Datsun name was gone.

Joe The Drummer
Joe The Drummer
1 month ago
Reply to  TriangleRAD

My family had a 1982 Datsun Maxima wagon, then a 1983 Datsun By Nissan Stanza.

TriangleRAD
TriangleRAD
1 month ago

Yeah, it seems to have varied by model, like they tried to do the name change together with a model change or refresh where they could. I have a Datsun brochure from 1982 that lists the 210, Maxima, 310, 280ZX and pickup as Datsuns, but also shows the Nissan Stanza, noting that it’s “The shape of things to come.” 1982 was the year the FWD Stanza replaced the RWD 510.

Sklooner
Sklooner
1 month ago

Our 1957 190 had those parking lights, one fell into the fender due to rust

AircooleDrew
AircooleDrew
1 month ago

Is that a Mr. Sparkle livery on the EF Civic!? Simply outstanding!

Zaphod's Heart of Gold
Zaphod's Heart of Gold
1 month ago
Reply to  AircooleDrew

It is, that’s the current car of Duff Beer Racing

Mthew_M
Mthew_M
1 month ago
Reply to  AircooleDrew

Indeed it is, and it’s really well done. There’s a full Bosuzoku theme to go along with it, but the team quit carrying that around with them awhile ago, unfortunately. There’s a bit of time devoted to it in one of the wrapup videos, I want to say Road Atlanta 2022? You could also search Duff Beer Racing and see what you can find.

Manwich Sandwich
Manwich Sandwich
1 month ago

Yay! I strongly encourage Lemons racing coverage like this!

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

If anything should be covered in jorts, it’s a C5 Corvette. Bonus points if it has a missing bumper cover that you can replace with white New Balances.

Bob Boxbody
Bob Boxbody
1 month ago

This looks like a blast. I’d love to attend a Lemons race sometime. The guys who put jorts all over their car should have realized that there’s hardly anything in this world heavier than wet jeans!

LTDScott
LTDScott
1 month ago

The Kia reminds me of one of the best Lemons team names I’ve seen recently – a Lincoln Town Car also completely covered in demim called the Jeancoln Jown Jar. So dumb it comes full circle.

NewBalanceExtraWide
NewBalanceExtraWide
1 month ago

I used to know an artist who specialized in retread tire fragments reclaimed from freeways and thrown out denim. Both surprisingly durable bits of detritus ready to be reclaimed.

Flyingstitch
Flyingstitch
1 month ago

The Camero got the guffaw from me. There should be Spirit of Lemons award just for this.

Phuzz
Phuzz
1 month ago
Reply to  Flyingstitch

tbh that joke went right over my head, could you explain it?
um, I mean, explain it to my dumb friend, yeah. I totally get the joke of course…

Last edited 1 month ago by Phuzz
AnscoflexII
AnscoflexII
1 month ago
Reply to  Phuzz

“Camero” is a very common misspelling of “Camaro” in want ads. Hell, I believe it was actually spelled that way on an old syndicated game show in the 80’s.

10001010
10001010
1 month ago

I had a 1981 200SX coupe like that one complete with the double plugs. It will run absolutely forever, like a dog that’s too stupid to know when to quit, and then run a bit more after that all while getting 40mpg.

TriangleRAD
TriangleRAD
1 month ago
Reply to  10001010

I’d love to get another S110 like the 1982 200SX hatchback I had when I was 16.

Canopysaurus
Canopysaurus
1 month ago

Mm, man, dig that crazy car!

Who wears jort shorts?
KIA wears jort shorts.
They’re such jort shorts,
We like jort shorts.
Who wears jort shorts?
KIA wears jort shorts.

Rad Barchetta
Rad Barchetta
1 month ago

The Mavarette may have crossed the finish line first, no small feat, but the real winner of any Lemons race is the Index of Effluency recipient. ConGRITulations!

GrandTouringInjection
GrandTouringInjection
1 month ago

This is the first iteration of the 1998 Kia Sophia Levi’s Edition I’ve seen in the wild! ????

31
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x