I’m just a human, and I have limits. That means there’s only so much I can take before I’m going to have to do something: lash out, panic, cave, run, fling wastes, really, it could be anything. In this particular case, the unrelenting pressure has been from people and organizations like the California Prune Board demanding, often aggressively, that I publicly list and make unquestionably clear my beliefs regarding what automobiles I feel are most associated with the traditional Chex Mix component elements.
Now, I’ve had people ask me this at various parties and taillight bars/bathhouses, and Shriner meetings, and when it comes up, I usually politely but firmly refuse to answer. My admiration for motor vehicles and Chex Mix is well known and considerably documented. I don’t feel any particular need to make public the ways in my mind I may choose to associate The Crunchy Seven (that’s what members of the Chex Mix community – known as Mixens – call the discrete components that form Chex Mix, though there is some controversy there, which I’ll get into soon) with particular automobiles, as I think of these associations as deeply personal.
The problem is that so many individuals and groups (I’m looking at you, National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators) have been pressuring me nonstop to reveal my automotive associations, and it’s getting to be too much. There are the emails, the phone calls, and lately it seems every time I go out, there’s someone who accosts me, dumps a bag of Chex Mix into my lap, and insists I tell them what car I think of when I hold, say, one of the two Chex components or one of the pretzels or something.
It’s getting exhausting. A van from the National Society for the Preservation of Covered Bridges recently blocked my car in a cul-de-sac and wouldn’t let me leave until I explained which car I associated with at least one Chex Mix element. Things are getting weird, frankly, and I’m tired of running and fighting. So, with that in mind, you win, everybody, and I will tell you my automotive/Chex Mix associations.
For the elements themselves, I personally subscribe to the doctrine of The Crunchy Seven, not The Savory Six, as seen here:
The Crunchy Seven also includes the Bagel Chip along with the Rye Chip:
If you’re a purist who feels the Bagel Chip is a debased interloper (yes, I’ve read your stupid websites and pamphlets), then you can stop reading now, because we have nothing further to discuss.
For those of you more civil and open-minded, I dutifully submit to you the following chart: these are the cars I associate with each Chex Mix component. There is an underlying logic here, and there are definite reasons why I have made the choices I have made. What I will not do is explain myself; as I have stated, I consider that an invasion of my psyche, but at the same time, perhaps paradoxically, I encourage you to try and understand the underlying logic behind each choice.
Here, feel free to scrutinize:
I think most of you will accept that these choices are the Right Ones, and, ideally, should be codified into law by a suitable governmental agency, like the National Bureau of Standards. Until that happens officially, I am willing to hear out your arguments of cars that you would choose differently. While my confidence is such that I will likely consider you to be wrong, possibly even laughably so, I respect this community enough that I will not dismiss other ideas out of hand.
Perhaps you can convince me that your choices are superior. I welcome the debate.
Until then, I truly hope this chart satisfies all those people who have been harassing me about this for so long; you win. Here’s your Chex Mix-to-car chart. Take your victory, and finally grant my family and myself some much-needed peace.
Top graphic images: General Mills; Hagerty
I thought of the old Lincoln croos hairs hood ornament (like on that Neil Young record..), when I saw the square one 🙂
The best snack mix is UTZ Pub Mix.
Our long national nightmare is over! Rejoice, for the greatest debate of our time is settled.
I’m sorry, but if the Crunchy Seven had to be pared down to the Savory Six, the Breadstick Squigle is far and away the weakest of the group.
How dare you, sir/madam! The bread stick as a strong, confident, steady squiggle that holds it all together!
Finally someone said it.
I’m not against the inclusion of bagel chip, even though the rye chip is far, far superior. My issue is the dual pretzels. A 50 percent reduction in pretzel would make Chex Mix literally perfect. But sometimes I grab a handful of square pretzels and am just like “What the fuck did I do to deserve this?”
So yeah, remove the square pretzels. This is CHEX Mix after all.
Yeah, but it’s “hip to be square” Ha ha
I feel like the Citroen Cactus is a better squiggly breadstick. The rubber bumpers remind me of breadsticks.
It’s 1972. The recently paneled and shag carpeted basement is lit only by four towers of colored twinkle lights and measured lightning bursts from a Radio Shack xenon strobe light. Strawberry punks perfume the air, ash curling like tiny ram horns, dull red glow marking the progress of the burn. The slim Panasonic stereo’s three circular dials glow green and red as it pumps out the Raspberries “Go All The Way” through mighty 50 Watt speakers. On the big bean bag chair, frantic kisses and grasping have given way to rhythmic petting, zippers down, hands inside elastic waist bands. Suddenly, the stairwell lights illuminate and mom’s voice calls out as she descends into sight holding a baking tray between oven-mitted hands, “Who’s up for Chex Mix hot from the oven?!” In that moment, the most apt Chex Mix to auto corollary is any truck that will blast through and put you out of your misery.
That was oddly specific.
I like it.
It’s my only Chex Mix associated memory.
The Wienermobile could equate to that wiggle-stick-thingy.
I am definitely a squiggle breadstick girl, and obviously I am a huge Fiat girl, so this absolutely tracks.
Thanks for this.
It made my day today. 🙂
How DARE you debase The Savory Six with this seven pointed debauchery??? Disgusting.
Is the wacky weed legal in North Carolina now? Even for Torch, this reads like a post written by someone who took an extra long bong hit.
Pretty confident it’s not legal to chop up a car battery with a chainsaw anywhere here (Maybe Florida?), so law ain’t gonna stop him – combination of lead dust and bong hits is making for good reading though
Chopping up a lead battery is legal, provided the lead does not escape into the environment.
What do you mean by “environment”? I have it on good authority that it’s one of the greatest hoaxes of all time.
Air, water and soil outside of your property.
Greatest hoaxes of all time? You mean Captain Planet isnt real?
So wait, regular weed is now not considered “wacky”? What else does it take for weed to earn that extra certification?
A penchant for slapstick, shtick, silly costumes and voices have all been known to make weed wacky. Crabgrass has a had a huge resurgence after rebranding with a wacky new image.
Doesn’t smoke worth a damn though.
Says who!?!
I saw Wacky Crabgrass play last night and they were awesome! I think they are gonna have a “huge resurgence” Rock on!
Kalamazoo! How did you neglect the Checker Marathon!
Silly Willy
The local healthy bulk products store has a Chex facsimile with m&m’s and raisins. Tasty! For the m&ms I’d pick a dodge neon and for the raisins an old lada.
At what point does Chex Mix turn into Trail Mix? When you add both of those? These are the next hard hitting questions we need answers to by Torch. Yeah, M&M’s always makes everything better- they are so good!
Hunred percents, sweet n salty are the best.
I’ve only owned one of the cars on the list, and it’s the one associated with the worst Chex Mix component. That makes me sad.
Dollar for dollar, I’ll pick Gardetto’s over Chex Mix any day of the week anyway. If I’m feeling feisty, I’ll get the whole bag of Garlic Rye Chips.
I said what I said.
Garlic rye crisps are delicious. I am old so I remember when there were Pepperidge Farms stores in malls with free samples of garlic rye crisps. I will admit to having been asked to leave after having sampled an amount they deemed “too much”.
Gardetto’s as a whole feels like a Pontiac Fiero – a more exuberant packaging of everyday stuff.
Obviously rye chips are the best Gardetto component, but a whole bag of them is too decadent. Too bourgeoise. It’s an indicator of unchecked avarice.
As much as I hate to say it, if you’ve ever bought a bag of rye chips you’ll be first against the wall after the revolution.
My heart belongs to Pinah’s rye chips, Gardetto’s is too salty. Our previous neighbors would present us with homemade Chex mix every Christmas season, and now I’m tempted to make a batch with Pinah’s and pecans.
Proper Chex mix requires THREE flavors of Chex, and peanuts. There is no reason to have two different pretzels that inevitably taste the same, but you need the rice Chex in there. Fight me.
Torch, this one is out in left field even for you, and I am here for it! And I am annoyed that I JUST got back from Aldi before reading this, and got seasoned pretzels. I would have gotten Chex Mix, because now I want some.
Yes. Exactly. Proper Chex mix is made at home from the recipe on the back of the box (they don’t do it any more, but it can be found online). Miniature bread sticks, rye chips and bagel chips are purely products of the fallen era of bagged store-bought Chex mix and are entirely unnecessary. The fact that I will happily consume an entire store-bought bag of Chex mix without help has no bearing on this.
And a KEY back-of-the-box ingredient is butter! Which car is the butter? Something smooth and rich, like an e-Ferrari? Or perhaps the most luxurious car with a Jatco CVT?
But bagel chips are awesome in homemade chex mix, the bagel chips absorb the buttery flavor.
What’s even better is that around the holidays, Chex actually gives out (used to be free, now it’s like 50 cents) a packet of seasoning to go with the recipe on the box. All you need at that point is the butter.
Dammit, now I want Chex Mix.
Yeah! When are we gonna see a Checker Chex Mix car on Shitbox Showdown? Ha ha. Either the cab or civilian version
I don’t know about the 1800 for the bagel chip, but rye bread is very Swedish (rugbröd), so I vote brown 240 for that one.
The squiggly breadstick is the car driven by The Ambiguously Gay Duo.
I didn’t even know what Chex Mix was, but clearly I’m a Wheat Chex guy.
Ok, it’s gone too far. Now I one-degree-shy-of-demand (as my Vinyl status can’t swing a presumptuous demand) that you bring in an intern (because consultants cost money, and, again, “Vinyl”) to sort out this Tag situation. Because, seriously, how many Autopian pieces should carry the tag “Kinda Stupid?” MAKE IT RIGHT!
Should more than 50% contain the “kinda stupid” tag or less than 50%?
I would say for The Autopian as a whole less than 50% but definitely more than just this one.
Finally, a Chex Mix to car relationship chart worth getting tattooed on my back. I just hope the ones that weren’t worth getting tattooed don’t show through too much.
It is possible to substitute Wartburg sedan if you can’t find the Tourist, but to balance it out you need to also substitute Chrysler K-car Town and Country for the Dodge 600 in order to get your Recommended Daily Allowance of wagon.
But aren’t you forgetting the original Chex mix – the homemade version – and its key ingredient never to be had commerically, the peanut??
Come on, it’s not like I’m asking for the Worcestershire sauce equivalent or anything.
Aldi has store-brand Chex mix with peanuts in it!
But homemade is far better than any bagged mix.
“I’d say that the pressure’s finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?”
I was with you almost to the end Torch. Let me be clear, I am not anti or pro bagel chip, but it is the weakest aspect of the mix. I think we can all agree if being “mid” chose a physical manifestation it would be the Chex Mix bagel chip. My only call out is that is a level below the legendary P1800.
The bagel chip should be a simple point a-b mover. I’m not mad at it, but I’m not shopping BaT for one.
Base model Dodge Neon perhaps? Now that is a bagel chip shaped headlight!
Toyota Corolla Cross.
Hard disagree. Outside of the Corn & Wheat Chex, the Bagel Chip is the most important. It provides the foundation of flavor the Rye Chip can only dream of. The P1800 is the perfect choice.
I admit Plain Bagel Chip is not the most awesome Bagel Chip. That goes to Everything Bagel Chip. However, Plain Bagel Chip is still more interesting than Circle Pretzel.
Dont you say anything about Circle Pretzel. The Baja Beetle is the perfect choice. Hard but not too hard
For the record I am not anti-circle pretzel. But I do find it less interesting than bagel chips of all varieties.
agreed, I wonder if plain bagel chip and round pretzel really are perfectly acceptable yet overshadowed by the superiority of square pretzel and rye chip?
100% on everything bagel chip!
I will say it – I am anti bagel chip. The inclusion of bagel chips (especially associated with a car as cool as the P1800) is a travesty. They are inferior rye chip decoys whose sole purpose is causing disappointment when eating Chex Mix when distracted or in sub-par lighting conditions and this should not be condoned.