One of the reasons The Autopian works so well is that, collectively, we’re a thrifty bunch. Our idea of a flight upgrade is an extra bag of pretzels and the entire can of Coke. We’re not staying at hotels with restaurants run by star chefs. Honestly, sometimes we’ve stayed in digs with floors that weren’t level and had copies of the same photo hanging on the wall in each room.
All that is to set up the Tales From The Slack Matt wrote about the hotel that David got for our leadership team’s stay in Las Vegas, a deeply weird place called, of all things, Ellis Island.
Spacer
Naturally, this was a prime opportunity for some fun with the immigrating-to-America-name-change trope, and Dodsworth gets a belated COTD win:
Welcome to Ellis Island. Name?
Matt Hardigree.
That’s too hard. You’re Matt Hardy. Next?
David Tracy.
Dave Trace. Next?
Jason Torchinsky.
Jesus Christ! Are you kidding me?
Are you going to call me Jesus Christ?
No, Jay Torch. Don’t be a wise guy. Next?
Mercedes Streeter. I will punch you in the throat.
Welcome Ms. Streeter. Here’s $50,000 and a badge. Keep an eye on your friends, OK? Next?
Adrian Clarke.
What? Do you speak English?
Adrian Clarke, you knob!
Whoa! Calm down, Andy Clarkson. Next?
Meanwhile, Boulevard_Yachtsman noted Jason’s exuberance for a no-charge frill that is, shall we say, spicier than even the mightiest shake of Tabasco into the scrambled eggs of Ellis Island’s continental breakfast:
I can’t quit lololing at Torch’s only contribution to the conversation, a 6:17am “Hell Yeah!” in regards to unrestricted porn channels.
More, from Ranwhenparked:
I would assume the furniture came from the same place any sketchy motel gets their new furniture for renovations: from a better hotel auctioning off its old furniture before its own renovation or demolition.
The Bishop wrote about how automakers used to give you a free mixtape when you bought the better stereo option for your car, and readers reminded me of a way I was bad as a kid: Columbia House and other companies used to promote music subscriptions that would send you a selection of casettes or CDs for practically nothing on the promise you would pay full price for a certain number of tapes or discs over the next 12 months, but they never really made you prove you were even a real person. Rob Stercraw:
I also think Columbia House may still have a hit contract out on me.
10001010:
I remember checking those boxes and taping a penny to that page.
Mya Byrne:
Omg I had collection letters from them for literal years.
Frank Wrench:
As “Bill Melater” I was one of their best customers.
Have a great evening, everyone!
Man I was thinking the same thing ranwhenparked but dismissed as too lame. Hardly COTD
And a belated thank you!
TV with pr0n channels is a con?
My ELA teachers were wrong. There is such thing as a wrong opinion.
Bruh I stayed at this hotel when I got married. The food options are pretty cheap. Get the players card and you can get a coupon for a cheap steak dinner.
Ok, old drinking acquaintance…had one liners for every situation. When it came to questionable hotels, and impromptu dalliances with women of similar traits, his patent response was always, and say it like you’re singing it, “You gotta be willing to take penicillin”.
The weirdest TV experience I’ve had was a rural hospital in Bulgaria after a motorcycle crash. The TV was coin operated but if you made that purchase mixed in with the rest of basic cable like options were porn channels. BBC, Sky News, porn, kid shows, porn, car racing, soccer match, porn….
This happened to my family when we were staying in an apartment in Norway (my dad had been there for work for a few months and we were visiting).
Flipping through the channels as a family only for on channel to be very much porn like, right in the middle. This wasn’t channel 69. It was like, 25. We all acted like it didn’t happen, lol.
We did all laugh and enjoy the chip commercial where a Norwegian man with a Flock of Seagulls hair cut (these was a decades spanning montage where this was presumably, the 80s) breaks a chip in some dip, turns to the camera and says “SHIT!”.
This was the year 2000 so, yeah, not sure what Norwegian television is like these days.
That’s Europe in general. There’s no puritanical attitudes towards sex and nudity. So no one cares, it’s just another day, no need to go into a ‘what about the children’ pearl clutching mode. Move on.
Yes, they were and I imagine continue to be light years ahead in that regard.
Even Canada had (has?) over-the-air TV channels that show softcore pr0n after 9PM or so.
I remember seeing Mimi Rogers being clothed during 5% of the movie in one of those channels.
I guess I have to educate everyone on “proper” American morals:
Guns, violence, and death are okay. Show as much as you’d like.
Please don’t even mention breasts, it’s bad for the children. Any expression or recognition of s$&uality is purely forbidden. (Unless it’s a big raging love for Jesus.)
Europe is quite large, and there are significant differences in attitudes across the whole continent. But in general attitudes range from ‘less puritanical than the US’ to ‘much less puritanical’.
There’s a reason we exported all our puritans to the ‘new’ world, those guys were no fun.
“Honestly, sometimes we’ve stayed in digs with floors that weren’t level”
Who hasn’t?
My permanent digs don’t even have level floors.
Same here, great putting practice.
And the ball always comes back too.
and liquid spills easy to mop up too.
My floors are dynamic!
If I could travel in time, I would start by changing three things:
#1: Warning people of the dangers of asbestos duct wrap.
#2: Requiring all interior supports to be placed on properly design spread footings (all my floors slope towards the center of the house, the massive stone foundation probably hasn’t settled a quarter of an inch, but the interior sure as hell has)
#3: Punching out whoever ran grounded Romex into the attic and spliced into the knob and tube where you can’t see it.
For #3 please also punch out whomever approved aluminum wiring for residential construction. Preferably in the face AND the gonads. Same for anyone who installed non water resistant flooring and cabinetry into kitchens and bathrooms.
Oh and those who planted Chinese Privet as landscaping bushes. Gaaghhh!!!!!
Wrapping my knuckles now.
Don’t forget your steel toed boots!
I’m actually wearing some right now!
Well get busy then!
https://youtu.be/IkPWrBRs6p4
They’re still doing that. I can’t believe they sell that crappy particle board laminate stuff for use in kitchens, but they do. If any water gets spilled on it and not immediately cleaned up it curls and cracks.
It looks great when it first goes in, but none of that crap is ever coming near any house I own ever again.
As a kid in the ’70s I had a wall unit in my room made of melamine coated particleboard. I found out you don’t even need water to destroy that. Just put it in a kid’s room and give it a week.
Later I found out even VERY expensive, mid century Brazilian rosewood furniture used that very same s#itty hydrophillic particle board as it’s core. Spray that just once with a fire hose and it’s all over. Meanwhile even cheap patio furniture can stand in the rain for years with no ill effect.
That’s why ever since I’ve insisted all my custom cabinetry needs are met with solid wood, solid plastic or with a core of water resistant exterior grade composite wood.
Floors? Tile, carpet, vinyl, linoleum or waterproof ABS laminate.
Nothing beats 11-ply Baltic birch or better for cabinets. Make the doors out of solid wood with MDF panels loosely installed in rabbets so the solid frame can move with humidity changes. Lifetime cabinets that will outlive your grandchildren, except they’ll be trashed when your realtor decides your house needs $100k of work before it goes on the market.
#4: enact law which states that any plumber who bores holes through floor joists for pipe installation must be executed by firing squad in public.
I wish mine were holes. Plumber of the past enjoyed notching out the bottom of joists at midspan (maximum positive moment). Thanks for the section loss plumber!
How about wood floor beams that twist with age?
Yikes
Each trade will happily damage the work done by the previous trade.
Wow #3 is a new one for me.
At our old place, the previous owner ran power to the shed by way of an orange extension cord between the crawl space and the shed 30 feet away, buried in the dirt (no conduit). It then emerged from the dirt and entered the shed through a hole in the wall (no grommet, no box, just a hole). He cut off the female connector at the end, leaving two bare wires wrapped around the prongs of an ordinary desk lamp on the workbench.
Well that’s one way to burn down a shed.
Everything he did was janky like that. Lots of leaks, but no fires.
OK, as I’ve mentioned before, if there’s a next time go for the Tiffany Suites around the corner on Flamingo. Fewer bedbugs, less social stigma. But damn, no free porn…
Thanks for the honorable mention Mercedes! Hopefully Torch has a good time on the trip and picks up some newly inspired material for Only Fanbelts.
“Shower head leaks water”
How would you tell?
Spaghetti isn’t coming out of the shower head instead. 🙂