Which Complex German Sedan Makes You Less Nervous? 2001 BMW 540i vs 2001 Audi S4

OK, I admit it: Picking two overly-complicated German cars for “scary car week” is kind of low-hanging fruit. But what is this, rocket science? Repair bills are scary, as are the procedures for doing a lot of stuff yourself on these two. Just be glad they both run and drive just fine at the moment.

The same couldn’t be said of yesterday’s choices. Neither one has been on the road for a long time. I see you were feeling brave, or perhaps optimistic, yesterday, and gave the win to the near-basket-case Porsche 928. May the car gods have mercy on you.

Me, I’d take the AMC Matador. I don’t necessarily want it, but neither do I want to fall down the rabbit hole of reviving that Porsche. The Matador could be fun as a car to rent out to movies, and cruising around in a big sedan with a lazy V8 makes for a nice Saturday, no matter what it is.

“German cars run forever” is the old stereotype. But that comes from the days of butt-simple VW Beetles and carved-from-a-steel-ingot Mercedes sedans. It doesn’t really apply to newer, insanely complicated cars. German drivetrains are still durable, for the most part, and capable of racking up some impressive mileage, but durable doesn’t necessarily mean reliable, and reliable doesn’t necessarily mean trouble-free or low-maintenance. If you want the German car driving experience, which is admittedly great, your best bet is to look for a car that someone else has already done the expensive maintenance work on, and hope for the best. Something like one of these two, for instance.

2001 BMW 540i – $5,800

Engine/drivetrain: 4.4-liter DOHC V8, five-speed automatic, RWD

Location: Puyallup, WA

Odometer reading: 178,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well

The 5 Series is kind of the sweet spot in the BMW lineup, I’ve long thought. The 3 Series gets too much attention from the tuner/boy-racer crowd, and the 7 Series is kind of a tank. But the 5 is just sporty enough to be fun, but grown-up enough to be respectable. The E39 generation was either the last “good” one or the beginning of the end, depending on which BMW enthusiast you talk to. But it’s certainly a handsome car, and great to drive. I’ve never gotten to drive a 540i like this, only the six-cylinder models, but I imagine it’s very similar, only faster.

As high-tech as the 540i is in some ways, it’s decidedly old-school in how it gets its power: it has a naturally-aspirated V8, just like your uncle’s pride-and-joy Cutlass Supreme. Well, not quite; this V8 uses four cams and BMW’s VANOS variable valve timing system to make damn near 300 horsepower. It drives the rear wheels through a ZF five-speed automatic transmission. It does have a few weak spots: the cooling system can be a problem, as can the timing chain. This car had a lot of maintenance done on those systems about a year ago, and the seller says they wouldn’t hesitate to drive it anywhere.

It’s really nice inside, as you would expect, and it all looks like it’s in good condition. The seller says the instrument cluster has been replaced with a used unit, due to dead pixels in the display (another common problem), but the mileage reads wrong. The seller has a line on someone who can reprogram it to the correct mileage, if you care. Everything else is said to work just fine, including the air conditioning.

The seller makes a big deal of the paint’s condition, and it really is nice. (Those aren’t dents; that’s just the reflection of the cloudy Seattle sky.) I see a couple of rock chips in this close-up shot, but you’d never notice them from five feet away. I don’t think the black grille surrounds are original; they were probably swapped out or painted to go with the black wheels. I’m not much of a fan of the blacked-out look, but if you like it, more power to you. If not, maybe you can find someone who has stock wheels but wants black ones, and make a trade.

2001 Audi S4 – $8,500

Engine/drivetrain: Twin-turbocharged 2.7-liter DOHC V6, six-speed manual, AWD

Location: Seattle, WA

Odometer reading: 173,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well

For as long as Audi has built its Quattro models, there has been a fire-breathing, turbocharged, high-performance version. At first it was a two-door coupe, but later Audi realized that a four-door sedan was the perfect home for its hot engines and Quattro all-wheel-drive system. Enter the S4. The original S4 was based on the larger C4 platform, but this 2001 model is based on the smaller B5. Putting a big engine in your smaller car is an old trick, but it’s still a good one.

The S4’s engine isn’t all that big, at only 2.7 liters, but it packs a punch thanks to twin turbochargers, dual overhead cams, five valves per cylinder, and variable valve timing. In US-market trim, it’s good for 247 horsepower, sent to all four wheels through a six-speed manual. And the seller claims this one has been hot-rodded to give it another hundred horses. It’s a complicated engine, and not without its issues: turbos are known to fail, as are water pumps, which are driven by the timing belt. And yes, this is an interference engine. Break the timing belt, and you’ve got a very fancy boat anchor. The seller says the belt and water pump have been replaced “in the last few years,” but I’d ask for a receipt with a date on it if I were you. If none is available, I’d change it sooner rather than later, and that’s one of those jobs you’ve seen pictures of where you have to take the whole face off the car. Ominously, the seller also adds that “It will occasionally need coolant to be topped off.” Gulp.

This dark-and-light upholstery is apparently known as the “Panda interior.” I’d never heard that term before; all I know is that it looks great, though I wouldn’t mind seeing a splash of color somewhere. It’s in great condition, especially for the mileage, and it has all the toys you could possibly want, including an upgraded sound system. There’s a photo of the trunk showing some big amps and subwoofers. Don’t ask me; I’m not a car stereo guy. First thing I’d do is blast Operation Ivy out of it; if that sounds good, anything will.

I think there should be a moratorium on Audi painting cars silver. I know there’s some tradition there; it’s the old official German racing color and all that, but come on. Enough is enough. Let’s mix it up a little. It is in really good shape, at least, and it has aftermarket OZ wheels that suit it well. The original wheels are also included, if you want them for snow tires.

These are both really damn nice cars, and I’m sure they’re both wonderful to drive. And at the moment, neither one of them needs anything. But that won’t last forever. Big maintenance bills will eventually come due; difficult repairs will be needed someday. It’s like driving around with the torque wrench of Damocles dangling over you. And that should be enough to scare anyone. But if you were going to take the risk on one of them, which one would it be?