Well, we’ve reached the end of another week, so you know what that means: It’s time for a runoff! Today, I’m giving you a scenario to work from, as I sometimes do, but it’s pretty straightforward. I’ll explain as soon as we get done going through yesterday’s results.
This is a day I never thought would come, and I didn’t even stack the deck to achieve it. A Chrysler has beaten a Toyota fair and square in a Shitbox Showdown! Granted, the Sebring is in considerably better cosmetic shape, has much lower miles, and is being sold by a private party rather than a dealership, but still. There’s nothing really wrong with the Solara, and yet, it lost. This makes me happier than it probably should.
Obviously, between these two, I’m going for the Sebring. It’s easier to work on, not having a transverse V6 engine, and it has almost a third as many miles on it. And it doesn’t look like someone left it out in the sun too long and it melted. Toyotas are generally a safe bet, but that doesn’t mean other cars aren’t sometimes a better deal.
All right, now that we have our quartet in place, here’s the scenario: Your mother-in-law is coming to visit, and you have to pick her up at the airport. But your car is out of commission. It’s in the shop, or something. What, I have to spell the whole thing out for you? Anyway, your neighbor has offered to lend you one of his seventeen cars. These four are the only ones that run, though, so you’ll have to choose from them. For the purposes of this exercise, let’s say the Ford pickup’s brakes have been repaired, and the Dodge Intrepid still has all the Batman stuff on it.
1996 Dodge Intrepid
The case for it: It’s a comfortable ride, and it has good air conditioning. It also has a nice big trunk, and you know she never packs light.
The case against it: She could be more of a Marvel fan than a DC fan. You’ve never asked.
1978 Ford F-150 SuperCab
The case for it: She’ll have no trouble spotting it at the curb.
The case against it: Everything else.
2009 Ford Fusion S
The case for it: It’s simple and straightforward, so she won’t complain about you “throwing your money around.”
The case against it: It’s nigh on invisible in traffic, which means there’s a good chance she’ll accidentally get in the wrong car. I’ll leave it up to you whether or not that would be a bad thing. (I kid, I kid…)
2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible
The case for it: It might make her feel special pulling up to the house with the top down.
The case against it: She might hate all the wind with the top down, and if you have to leave it up, you might as well be driving the Intrepid.
So yeah, kind of a low-effort Friday this week. I’ll make it up to you next week, though; I’ve got a couple of ideas cooking. In the meantime, you’ve got someone to pick up at the airport. Which car are you taking?
I’m buying some horse blanket seat covers, and rollin’ in as is our family tradition: Bozos on Parade.
It’ll be tough to lose that Ford truck in the lot—even once you find a parking spot for it 😉
Genuinely interested in that SuperCab.
You want us to pick up who?????
Tough one but probably the Fusion. My MIL was a really nice and cool lady. We always got along. She was never much for showy stuff though.
Although, maybe she was a huge Adam West fan?
Think the Batusi drove women of a certain era wild . . .
https://youtu.be/RsYA8Gr5NTY?si=xchIfy7eNhHI4mdW&t=110
It’s funny but I really remember seeing that one.
And this one.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Simpsons/comments/1hkvawr/remember_the_batusi/
I sincerely doubt my Mother in Law will be coming for a visit anytime soon….
(as in ever)
…but I chose the Sebring anyway.
Any mention of mother in laws and cars is required by law to make this connection (don’t flinch or you have to marry your mother in law).
https://youtu.be/8YDpvMYk5jA
I picked the Ford truck because I have a long history of needlessly annoying/tormenting my Mother in Law (I was an employee of their computer shop before her daughter and I got together).
Please elaborate
On which part?
Annoying your prospective in-laws, yet succeeding in getting together with their daughter, seems like a glorious project.
I started as a high school co-op student at a PC shop in the early aughts.
Guy was the talent, his wife ran the books.
They liked my work so much they hired me and I worked there through college. Antics ensue the way they do between a small crew in a workplace (3 of us +the owners)
Became friends with their daughter, we hooked up one night but stayed friends.
Years later, daughter and I reconnect.
So I’ve known them for over 20 years, 11 of them in a relationship with their daughter.
Lovely!
Daughters can be very negative. Parents hate you they want you. At least until they stop hating you
I think every Sebring ever sold was to a woman over 50 so if there is a more MIL approved car, I’m not sure what it is.
Not only will I likely never have a mother-in-law, but I bear far too much resemblance to the neighbor with only 4 running vehicles out of 17.
Sebring is an obvious choice for me. The overall condition says “I know how to take care of things” (even if you just bought it from someone who did the heavy lifting on that). It’s also…nice…but not too nice (like you’re some kind of big spender or something). It’s going to be comfortable, but not too comfortable (she won’t complain but she also isn’t going to ask you to wheel her around to other points of interest on the way home). The one thing that I’m not completely sure about is whether the AC works or not…I forget if that was mentioned yesterday or not, but I’ll assume that it does due to the low mileage and obvious care in ownership shown. You really don’t want to have the top down for the ride home – very few MILs would be down for that.
This one is more a conversation with the therapist than a showdown. There are pros and cons about every single car.
The Batrepid – Pro: she’s be too distracted by the pervious owner’s decorating choices to complain about me, my wife, etc. Con: She’d still complain.
The Pickup – Pro: I could sit her in the bed where she’d get plenty of fresh air and I couldn’t hear her. Con: I’d be sleeping on the lumpy couch for the foreseeable future.
Fusion – Pro: Business as usual. Con: Business as usual.
Sebring – Pro: Top down, too windy to hear her. Con: Top up, her critiques about my life choices would be heard loud and clear.
Write in candidate: Can I call her an Uber?
I went with the truck. Why? Because I would never be asked to be a chauffeur again.
The truck is out since it has no brakes and my MIL and I are not in a suicide pact. The Sebring would work but she values quietness and comfort while in the car, so I have to bump it down too. That leaves Fusion versus Intrepid. Between the two I would take the Fusion since it is newer and more fuel efficient, but my MIL’s surgically replaced hips would have an easier time getting out of a big old boat with large doors and unbolstered seats. Also she would get a kick out of the Batman stuff.
The story said the brakes are fixed in the truck and the bat stuff was removed
The ad for the truck is still up and says it will have to be towed because of the brakes. And I’m negotiating the Batman stuff back on to that Intrepid.
The best MIL would absolutely notice. “A domestic mid-sized sedan from the 21st century with a manual? That’s super rare!”
Though I’d source the right wheel covers first b/c she’d definitely notice that in a less positive way.
You guys realize not everyone lives like this, right?
Hey! I bet SWG would positively resemble this comment!
I mean, my neighbour two-doors down is a sketchy garage/car dealer, so it’s probably closer to 30 vehicles (with maybe 6 running/driving)
Exactly. I only have 10.
I interpret it as aspirational.
Yeah, some people have 22 junky vehicles at their disposal! Wait, that’s not what you meant?
I went Intrepid, the AC and good sized trunk win me over.
Both my Ex-mom-in-law and current GF’s mom are/were good people, no issues. Might as well make them comfy.
Well, I don’t have a mother in law, but if were talking my SO’s mother, she’s pretty whimsical and not judgmental; of me. I picked the truck simply so I could say, you’ll know it’s me when you see the bloody thing.
Also, why would I worry about being judged if I’m borrowing a car in the first place? This whole thing is weird, especially since she lives 40 minutes away and would just drive here if she’s visiting for the weekend.
This whole scenario is cockamamie, which I wrote just so I would learn how to spell that!
1. The Bat-Intrepid is just going to feed her narrative that I’m immature and unworthy of her daughter. (She’s not wrong, but I won’t give her the satisfaction.)
2. The F150 gives off King of the Hill vibes and is just another flavor of cosplay: redneck, in this case. See #1.
3. The Fusion is basic transportation (she won’t notice the five-speed). Might as well send an Uber. This car says to mom, “This man is an unspecial wage slave unworthy of my daughter.”
4. The Sebring is a little bit special and makes the airport collection an event, without being too ostentatious. That nice man Rick two condos down in her retirement community has a Sebring and gave her a ride to the pharmacy once. Mom approves. Give her the choice of top up or top down so she can exert control. She’s inevitably going to demur, so I’m going to do my homework first and ask my wife which option would be better.
Sebring. I’ve been at this while and made every mistake on the list. I’m smarter and more house-broken than I once was.
(My actual m-i-l was a wonderful woman who blessed our marriage despite me proposing to my girlfriend in a broken down International Travelall, freezing my fiancé on a two-hour top-down spring drive in an MGA, and taking my wife on our honeymoon in a 35-year-old Rambler Classic station wagon with no AC.)
My late MIL was a great lady, and she loved my weird car habits. So the pickup is perfect! I assume I’m picking up her in her coffin for some reason, and she’d totally get that truck!
Duuude…
My MIL (who I loved so much) has lived in a wooden box for 9 years now.
I really miss her a ton.
But I also chose the truck for laughs about how to transport her and her box.
Mostly cause I know it would have made her smile.
Truck it is.
My late mother in law wasn’t a huge fan of me. And I used to own an Intrepid – which wasn’t terrible to drive but total meh. So I’d stick with what I had.
Also, one day I went to get in my Intrepid and the backrest of the driver’s seat sheared off.
My MiL is no longer with us, but if my fun-loving wife is any indication, Mom would have loved getting picked up in the funky F-150.
MIL really wants to ride around in (but not own) a convertible, so Sebring it is.
My MIL does not understand “my deal” at all, so I’m going with the Batman Intrepid, because it’ll just add to her confusion.
*hesitates*
Ugh, I made a mistake. I show up in this thing, and I’ll be getting Batman themed garbage for every holiday (she has a shopping problem). She’ll tell everyone she sees from now into eternity that I’m “really into Batman”. I could tell her it’s not my car, that I hate Batman more than The Joker, but she’s never listened to anything I’ve said so… that probably won’t work.
The Fusion is probably the right choice. She would complain about the Sebring.
I guess the Sebring? These choices are all bad. Maybe she should just Uber.
Somehow you managed to get me to vote for a Chrysler product two days in a row.
That probably won’t happen again unless you do an entire week of Mopars.
Mark absolutely designed this scenario to double-down on the Chrysler win. There’s just no other answer unless you’re actively trying to antagonize the in-laws. Maybe the Fusion, if she’s a devout manual-driver. In that case, cool points to MIL.