I see a lot of car ads doing this job, and some of them are just so intriguingly weird that I have to show them to someone. Luckily, I have a perfect audience. Today we’re going to look at an old Chevy van and a beat-up Dodge sedan, both of which look like they’re being sold by, let’s say, colorful characters. Which one would you feel less worried about going to check out? We’ll see.
Yesterday we looked at two cool little old cars that were both burdened with automatic transmissions. I kind of expected the Honda Civic to do better than it did, but as it turned out, it was no contest. The Opel Kadett blew its doors off. Coincidentally, I imagine that’s what would happen in a drag race between the two of them as well – though it would take some time to find out.
The car my parents had when I was born, and therefore the first car I ever rode in, was a ’71 Opel Manta, which I think means I’m honor-bound to vote for the Kadett. But even without that connection, I prefer it. Early Civics are cool, but that one doesn’t present very well, and I think I’d get annoyed with its automatic very quickly. The little Kadett wagon is charming enough to get away with it.
Back in the days before the internet, going to look at a used car was a much less informed proposition. You got maybe twenty words, a tiny photo if you were lucky, and a phone number, and that’s it. You had to call a stranger cold, arrange a time, get the address, find it on a map, and go into a neighborhood basically blind. It worked – I bought a lot of cheap old cars that way – but it’s so much nicer today, getting a bunch of photos and knowing roughly where you have to go before you even decide to contact a seller. You can weed out a lot of sketchy situations with that information. But in my line of work, dealing strictly with hypothetical purchases, I can intentionally look for the sketchy ones. I doubt I’d even consider going to look at either of these cars in person, but from the safety of my home office, they’re fascinating. Let’s take a look.
1989 Chevrolet G20 Van – $1,800
Engine/drivetrain: 5.0-liter OHV V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: New River, AZ
Odometer reading: 205,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Old vans are an intriguing possibility – for the right kind of person. They’re cheap and durable, and with some lumber and plywood, and a carpet remnant or two, you can sleep in them in reasonable comfort. If, that is, you’re the sort of person who would want to sleep in a van. This old Chevy probably started out as a work van for a plumber or electrician or something, but its current owner has converted it into a camper. It’s perfect for driving out into the desert and getting away from it all. If that’s your thing, that is.
This is technically the third generation of Chevy van, following two generations of the “Scooby Doo” style van, which only lasted a couple years each. Those earlier vans placed the engine between the front seats, similar to the Dodge A-series and early Ford Econoline vans, but this generation moved the engine forward into an enclosure between the front footwells, commonly called the “doghouse.” Inside the doghouse of this van is a 305 cubic inch small-block V8 with throttle-body fuel injection. It runs well, according to the seller, and the 700R4 automatic behind it shifts like it should. It will need new brakes and shocks before too long, but otherwise it drives fine.
The camper conversion is pretty typical: a raised platform in the back acts as a bed and allows for storage underneath. It’s insulated and has a 110-volt power hookup, but the seller doesn’t mention anything about a sink, a stove, or any other RV features. It’s enough for a campground, I guess, if you cook over a fire. It’s simple and a bit rustic, but it’s not in bad shape. I’m sure I’ll get plenty of comments about weird smells and stains inside, though. And I have to admit, there’s a chance you’re right.
Surprisingly for an Arizona van, it’s a bit rusty. The sliding door in particular is pretty crispy. It also has a broken roof vent that is currently taped shut with plastic over it, but those are cheap to replace. The biggest problem with it, of course, is that it’s a plain white van, with all the negative associations – fair or not – that go along with that.
2006 Dodge Charger – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: 3.5-liter OHC V6, five-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Maplewood, MN
Odometer reading: 191,000 miles
Operational status: “I would drive this car anywhere”
As the owner of an LD-platform Chrysler 300, I like to see cars like this. This LX-platform Dodge Charger is similar to it mechanically, but while mine has been carefully maintained by me and by my dad before me, this one has clearly seen some things. And it has more than double the mileage mine has. Seeing it still running and driving makes me feel good about the future of mine.
It has a different engine than mine has, a 3.5-liter V6 instead of a 5.7-liter V8, but uses the same Mercedes-derived W5A580 automatic transmission, and the same basic chassis architecture. The 3.5 is a decent engine, though it has the same dumb water pump design as some other Chrysler (and Ford) overhead cam V6s: a failed water pump can dump coolant into the engine’s internals, rather than just making a mess on the driveway. The fix is to replace the water pump at every timing belt change, whether it needs it or not. Someone clearly kept up with this one’s maintenance, or it wouldn’t be closing in on 200,000 miles. The check engine light is on, but the seller says it runs and drives well, and they claim they’d feel confident driving it anywhere.
The biggest issue with these early LX cars is the cheap plastic interior, though this one seems to be holding up pretty well. The floor is dirty, but it’s winter, and this car is in Minnesota; it’s almost impossible to keep a car floor clean. It has some electrical issues in the dash; the temperature gauge doesn’t work, and it looks like the speedometer reads 40 MPH when the car is standing still.
When I first saw this ad, I thought the outside of this car was in worse shape than it is. It turns out that it’s just shiny, and reflecting all the weird stuff in the seller’s yard. (Yes, that is a piece of old McDonald’s playground equipment behind the car. Officer Big Mac, if I’m not mistaken.) There is a pretty serious dent in the right front fender, but it’s not rusty, as far as I can tell.
So on the one hand, you can go out to the middle of the desert to look at a DIY camper van, and on the other, you can check out a high-mileage Charger in a yard full of playground equipment and old carnival attractions. Feel free to consider the vehicles on their own merits, or on the sketchiness of their locations. I leave it up to you.
The seller of that van wouldn’t happen to be Matt Foley, who’s been living in it down by New River?
I’ll take the van, and not feel a bit of remorse for the things that I’ll do in it*
*yard waste, hauling stuff to dump, taking the used oil to recycle
One word applies to both: “Ick.”
There are some clues that make me think that MAYBE someone might have, at one time or another, done drugs in that van.
Anyways, I like the van. New sliding door and some febreeze and it is good to go.
Well, I haven’t done drugs in THAT van, but I do have a very particular set of skills, that I have, ahem, acquired over a long career, and I think you’re right.
Hahahaha
New River AZ…. There is literally no end to what could have happened in that van.
I chose the Charger because the cost of the drug sweep, cadaver dog, clearance from CBP, and the hazmat team is way more money and admin than a vehicle is worth..
I saw a presentation by a fellow whose business was cleaning up meth labs. The things they had to deal with plus the damage to the houses or whatever was insane.
Honestly, if you aren’t smoking a little weed when camping in the desert, you are doing it wrong.
I will admit I’m surprised to see the van winning, especially since they have price parity. Y’all so unpredictable sometimes, unless there’s something I don’t know about the 3.5L. The Charger would make a better beater car than the van and that’s what both of these seem good for.
“With a van, it’s like you’ve got an MBA, but you’ve also got a f***ing van. You’re not just a man anymore — you are a man with a van.” – Super Hans
I was leaning towards the van, but the Charger is less beat up than expected, so I think for 2K it could be a good “beater with a heater”. Also, being as this car is in MN, I’m sure there’s some ice racing or other such auto hooliganism not too far away where a RWD beater could be fun.
I don’t want to be the ‘FREE CANDY’ guy. Charger.
Between the creepy van and the speed through school zones Charger, the question is not which one scares me less, but which one scares the neighborhood less.
Eh, based on the stickers on the makeshift central infotainment stack, I’m guessing VanMan is a Deadhead and he followed the band around for a few years in it. Deadheads are pretty laid-back, genteel folk, so I’ll take my chance out in the desert and on the way back home, look for a 1971-1996 junkyard donor door to replace the crusty one.
As for the Charger, I’m more leery of the type of folks who try to get all the neighborhood kids to play at their far-too-whimsical house.
If it were cheaper or with less rust, I might’ve gone for the van. The Charger is about what you can expect for a cheap car, even if I’m not ready to accept that $2k is “cheap” nowadays.
So it’s either a one-way trip to visit Walter White in the desert or a trip to Fascination Street to play in an outdoor ball pit?
I chose Charger. Less rust, probably less smells and stains (no guarantee though) and I can park within 150 yards of a school. If it ran for 2 years, I’d be happy although I couldn’t smog it with CELs on so I would have to fix whatever is throwing a code.
Around here everyone will think it’s an undercover ACSO car. 🙂
Charger for me. Looks less rusty and is likely to be more enjoyable to drive.
“ a failed water pump can dump coolant into the engine’s internals,”
As I understand it, that is only relevant for transverse installs of the 3.6L V6, not the 3.5. And not longitudinal installs of the 3.5 or the 3.6.
The cavalcade of nonsense in the yard sold me on the Charger more than the car itself.
Give me the van. Damn kids will be terrified of me and stay far away
Tough choice since “neither” isn’t an option.
An old, high mileage Charger from a house decorated with random detritus is never promising. Also, the original ad says the car has a few “lites on the dash.” In most cases I would interpret that as “warning lights are illuminated.” In this case, I think it might mean a few cheap, watered-down beers are included with the vehicle.
I don’t see a lot of selling points for the van. The original ad is no longer available, but what we can see in photos isn’t great. It is a rusty van from a place where vehicles don’t rust, and it has an RV conversion that is, at best, a quarter-assed effort.
Again, neither are appealing. I voted for the Charger because at least there is an outside chance beer is included with the sale.
I used to own a 1976 G10 van with the 292 inline-six. I got it for $1 from a plumbing company after it was in a minor fender-bender and I had to buy about 15 cans of cheap rattle-can flat black spray paint, as, in order to get it for $1, I had to sign something stating I would repaint it so it was no longer recognizable as one of those plumbing company vehicles.
It finally rusted out 5 or 6 years later and I sold the van (someone wanted it for the engine) for $50.
I’ll take the plain white van today. That plain white exterior is just a blank canvas for some type of artistic mural.
FREE CANDY!
No way in hell I’m trusting an $1800 van
Free candy van or bottom tier drug dealer staff car – either way you will have the cops following you around as though you dipped yourself in catnip and walked through a Humane Society cat shelter.
Hard pass.
I’d take the Charger and larp it up like the cop car in Defiance. It just seems right.
It’s the exact same color as my agency’s patrol and undercover/brass cars. Around here most citizens automatically would think anything resembling that is law enforcement already.
Perfect.
That van’s a blank canvas. It may be in AZ now, but the photos show Colorado tags, so it’s been around — which could explain the rust.
Strip the interior (and make sure the seller didn’t leave their stash in there!), patch or replace the rusty bits, then build your own classy shaggin’ wagon, complete with airbrushed fantasy art on the sides.
More like a BLEAK canvas, amirite?
Fair point! lol
Having grown up in the rural South, I have to say that neither of these feels particularly sketchy. Both are suburbs of large cities (St. Paul and Phoenix) and both are presenting vehicles with pretty decent pictures. You want sketchy, you come with me to unincorporated Screamer, Alabama (no populated places within 20 miles) or to the Tiny Town Minit Mart (which is a gas station, convenience store, video gaming casino (in the stock room of the convenience store), used car lot, laundromat, law office, granite quarry (out back), and monument maker) located in the no-man’s land between Carlton, GA (population 200ish) and Elberton, GA (granite capital of the world!). Those are some Grade-A sketchy places.
All that aside, I went Charger. The Chevy is rusty and someone else’s work. That is a combination I’d rather not mess with. The Charger, aside from the electrics, actually seems like it is in pretty decent shape. I can think of much worse beaters. That would be cheap enough to use for a while and then…I don’t know, take it Lemons racing? Ice racing up in NH? You could send it out in some kind of wheeze of glory.
The guy selling the charger pretty much always has something for sale on Craigslist and from the looks of the photos there isn’t enough space on his property to take a proper photo of anything, his last car was a Porsche 917 Kit car, he also dabbles in vintage motorcycles, and I think he was selling a decent looking LUV truck recently too. That said, I prefer yard art weirdos to desert dwelling vanlifers.
Also, if I am in the desert I am not buying a rusty vehicle….
I wouldn’t take the Charger for free, so I guess I’m taking the Totally-not-a-crime-scene van.
That van looks like the perfect way to troll the local HOA. Just abandon it somewhere in the neighborhood, unwashed and watch Nextdoor explode.
I love the way you think. Handy distraction for the biddies while you do something they would complain about.
We don’t have a HOA but….
I imagine parking the van on my street would quickly end that.
That’s why I love my neighbors. We have a conspiracy of silence. They don’t complain about my semi truck parked in my yard, I dont complain about their junk cars or fences encroaching on the right of way.