In the world of carmakers, there are really two main categories: DARTZ and everyone else. You remember DARTZ, right? The Latvian company that famously made the whale penis leather-upholstered SUV, which somehow manages to still be their most-recognized achievement, despite them doing all sorts of other important things, like making one of the first bullet-proof baby seats and revolutionizing radiator grille portraiture and have been the only automaker to threaten Rolls-Royce directly, at least in print, and with some pleasing vulgarity. Now, in honor of this new, first-American pope that has just been unveiled, DARTZ is showing off their first popemobile proposal.
Is DARTZ serious? Sure, why not? I absolutely believe that if the Vatican actually decides to pick them to be the builders of the new Popemobile, DARTZ will do it. And, as I was told by Leonard F. Yankelovich, DARTZ’ Supreme Leader, this will be the first Popemobile with a full anti-drone protection system. Oh, and I was also assured that since this is for the first American pope, the plan is to build this Popemobile in America, should they be chosen as the supplier.
I don’t have proof of this, but I also suspect that DARTZ has extensively tested any Popemobile prototypes on either feral or cloned popes, so they should know well how they will work with this very specific target buyer.
DARTZ’ proposal is based on their Prombon Black Zeppelin armored SUV (which is in turn based on the Maybach GLS X167), which seems a good base for a Popemobile, being well-equipped to handle the considerable weight of all the required papal equipment, and having lots of good creases and strakes and details for adoring crowds to appreciate as they await their moment of seeing the pope as he passes by. Here’s the Prombon, in case you’ve somehow forgotten:
As soon as Pope was elected I got more congratulations than on Birthday – not everyday Popes choose name Leo, so that was my duty to generate tremendous Popemobile faster than smoke stopped rising at the Sistine Chapel.Our colleague artist Ferry Passchier did it. Photoshopping of Popemobile based on DARTZ Prombron’ Black Zeppelin CLV took Ferry less than hour, lucky we did such cars in white. First time idea to create The Supreme [word Tremendous was not in top then] Popemobile was born when we were preparing stunts for The Supreme Leader of Wadiya – General Admiral Aladeen. I think I can open that secret now – exact 13 years ago, May, 18 during The Dictator movie premier, convoy of Golden Cars and Popmobile planned to visit North Korean Embassy. For unknown till now reasons – most probably Nuc Attack of Wadiya, that ideas was stopped.But idea to create The Supreme Popemobile never left my head. Yesterday I got a signal: LEO – JUST DO IT. I contacted Ferry – and he did it. So, what DARTZ can provide that no one can? As we think uniqueness, elegance and nobility – not so many car builders whose ancestors start coachbuilding more than hundred years ago are still alive. Zero of them are private and personally owned. All they or go big – or went to Car Builders Paradise, no idea how it’s called, but there have to be car builders Valhalla.DARTZ revived from ashes of RBVZ JV which was born at 1869 – notably, 1869 was the year of the First Vatican Council, which began on December 8, 1869. This council famously defined the doctrine of papal infallibility. The Pope in 1869 was Pope Pius IX. He served as pope from June 16, 1846, to February 7, 1878, making him the longest-reigning pope in history, with a pontificate lasting over 31 years. Thats one more sign why we have to at minimum Photoshop our Popmobile.So, Pope Leo XIV can get legacy, and legacy from company legal inheritor. Of course, that’s not enough in our hard times. Even bullet and bomb protection is not enough now. DARTZ will provide more than just bullet & bomb protection – our GBOL tech, which we will not open, as in case Leo XIV will really order car from just Leo – no need to bad boys to know our secret.And here is one more DARTZ sizzle – Popemobile will be create using DARTZ AntiDrone standards. YES. In modern days it’s not enough to have good relations with nice fat boys with wings, bows and arrows. It’s good to have drone protection, too. And that what we suggest to Pope Leo XIV. Plus that elegance, uniqueness and FREE old school REEL to REEL from our good friend Kostas Metaxas – there is quite enough space in glass cube to ROCK!
So, I’m all for this. I hope the Vatican decides to branch out and hires DARTZ to build this Popemobile.
Might as well call it the Pimpmobile…that front end especially, is totally pimped/blinged out
So many Seinfeld references:
1)Kramer!
https://youtu.be/qB8VBCIISd0?si=nyQZ4nP9T8mu_CC7
2)Uncle LEO!
3)”Latvian company”
Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?
Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
I think, since the new pope is from Chicago-land, he should get an American made (specifically Illinois made) vehicle for the Popemobile. It’s Rivian’s time to shine. R1T Popemobile when?
R1P
Seriously, there needs to be a top-secret invitation-only Autopian membership tier, the level where you actually get to drive cars from Beau’s collection, Otto babysits your kid, Adrian personally paints one random possession of yours black and it would be called the Whale-Penis Leather tier.
The Pope never gets what he really wants. A plain white panel van with “free candy and puppies” written on the side.
New Pope: “What’s this, where’s the Popemobile?”
Bishop: “I traded it”
New Pope: “You traded the Popemobile for this?”
Bishop: “No, for a ferula”
New Pope: “A ferula? Ok, I can see that, but what the hell is this?”
Bishop: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Swiss Guard auction. They were practically giving them away.
New Pope: “Well, thank you pal. The day I get elected my own Bishop picks me up in a Dodge Demon?”
I thought you meant our Bishop at first lol
I think that Mercedes and The Bishop (who certainly MUST be Catholic, right?) need to collaborate on throwing together mockups of a six-wheel drive Smart Car Popemobile. Between the two of them, we can create something that could very go viral on the wider internet. For teh lulz, of course (do kids still say that?)
Maybe Oshkosh can make an mrap ngdv combo and submit it as a pope mobile.
The previous Pope was from America. Have you already forgotten that he was Argentinian? Argentina is in America.
The new one is from Peru. He may have born in the US and still probably holds US citizenship but he’s Peruvian. He speaks fluent Spanish and is a Peruvian citizen.
He’s a Chicagoan through and through. He’ll never put catsup on a hot dog.
He may not put ketchup on a hot dog, but his fellow Peruvians very much consider him to be Peruvian.
Oh come now, “American” means from the USA. It just does. Francis was a south-American pope.
They heard the Pope was from Chicago and realized they had to make a vehicle that could survive a trip to Chicago. I’d say on that brief, they nailed it.
Eh, a 1974 Dodge Monaco with a 440 magnum engine with the full police package would suffice. You know, cop motor, cop suspension, cop brakes.
Cop shocks.
Just gotta fix the cigarette lighter first.
It’s now an incense burner.
Not really. The A-38-equipped Monaco may have been good enough for the streets of Mount Prospect, but Chicago did it in pretty quickly.
Pretty sure the founder of DARTZ has suffered a traumatic brain injury
I feel you’ve not been to Latvia or Lithuania
Ah, you can tell
Fetal alcohol syndrome is a way of life in the baltics.
I hope they do the whale penis interior again just so the passengers can know what it’s like to be inappropriately touched by something much larger and more intimidating.
I can just see the clickbait/conspiracy theory article and video titles already:
“The catholic church is circumcizing WHALES now? Are ANY Foreskins safe?!?!”
Too soon, but take your like, you cheeky bastard.
Personally I like my Popemobiles with their queness intact, but you do you. 😉
It’s got a Pope motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it’s got Pope tires, Pope suspension, Pope shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Popemobile or what?
Perfect for when you’re on a mission from God.
Agreed. That said, Leo’s remarkably involved description of all of this brought about the strongest “Wtf did I just read?” reaction in quite some time. Also, as already noted, this Pope is ‘Murican, so DARTZ is welcome to outfit all the proper mods, but they need to start with a V-series Escalade or GTFO.
This is preposterous! That grille is not large enough! The fascia needs to be a sea of chrome and LED light bars! How the heck is the pope supposed to tailgate when there isn’t even room for a BBQ and a cooler fulla beer? Gotta really lean into that American (over)design.
for when you have mass at 10 am and have to mow down a horde of zombies at Noon
Who do these fools from DARTZ think they are going to impress with this proposal?
This is America’s Pope therefore the biggest and best Pope in history! Any Popemobile proposal not built on a Ford F-650 or larger platform will be thrown in the trash.
And he has to ride in the bed of the truck, waving a huge Vatican flag and shooting a t-shirt cannon full of Super Bowl-style neon shirts that say “XIV” on them.
How about a KW W990 with all the chrome? Just plop the pope enclosure on the back where the fifth wheel is.
A most glorious suggestion that can only be topped by a Pope-prepped M1 Abrams roaming the streets of Vatican City.
This!
DT could sell the Vatican his Chevy truck. It’s white and unkillable.
I know it’s a typo and English is not Leo’s first language but this vehicle sure does seem to have unqueness in spades.
“English is not Leo’s first language”
Oh, Chicago, I get it.
Leonard F. Yankelovich, DARTZ’ Supreme Leader
(author of the statement in which the typo occurred)