Few things are as aggressively 1970s as a chunky rear-wheel-drive American van wearing an epic airbrushed mural, preferably something cribbed from the indelible works of Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta or maybe a nice Roger Dean. For today’s Autopian Ask, I’m wondering what mural you would paint on your own van in the unlikely parallel universe where you are required by law to own a 1970s van wearing full sides of artwork.
I spent much of my childhood in the back of vans. The earliest van that I remember was my dad’s brown Plymouth Voyager. I remember being in the second row on a warm summer night with WLS 890 AM playing in the background. Every once in a while, the talking heads that I didn’t understand would be overcome by the welcoming sounds of static. On more than one occasion, WLS and the hum of AM radio would be joined by the scents of cigarette smoke and the whine of yet another dying automatic transmission.
In 2001, my parents bought a worn-out Catalina travel trailer from the early 1990s. This trailer had a soft floor, a leaky roof, and iffy appliances, but it was my childhood gateway to camping. But a minivan couldn’t tow this trailer. That’s when they bought a conversion van.
The funny thing about conversion vans from the 1990s is that a lot of them were based on something like the third-generation Chevy Van G20, a design that ran from 1971 to 1996. Even in the 1990s, it was hard to hide the vintage bones of the G20. Our G20 was a 1995, and I remember it fondly for its mood lighting, shag carpeting, second-row captain’s chairs, and a second radio just for the person sitting in the left seat in the second row.
But even that van couldn’t hold a candle to what conversion vans were like in the 1970s. Our wonderful editor and graphics man Pete, has filled this post with images of groovy conversion vans. The first up there is one of those GM vans, and it sports side pipes, wheels that look like they belong on a muscle car, and a glorious Star Trek-themed mural. Hey, Trekkies like vans, too!
This next one is also another GM van, and look at that, there are more side pipes and deep wheels. This one seems to depict a double guitar mid-shred, and surrounded by the necks of other guitars? I can’t stop looking at it, trying to figure out what the artist was going for.
Alright, so you’re being forced to buy a 1970s conversion van, and you absolutely have to put a mural on it. It’s completely optional, of course, but if you’d like to go beyond mere description and actually put visuals to your van-tasy art, you can use the blank machine above to let your freak flag fly! Also, it’s an old conversion van, so you have to tell me what the interior is going to look like, too.
Top graphic image: North Shore Classics
I’m pretty fond of the Desert Eagle toting cat riding a red eyed unicorn with flames coming out its nose that Karben 4 uses for the Fantasy Factory IPA packaging. That would make a dope van mural.
I’d put a mural of my van on the side of my van. Which would have a mural on it.
Google “golden boy fish sauce”. Same idea but in fish sauce.
Ok I guess that can go on the other side.
Or Droste Chocolate.
Vanception!
I had the same thought.
70’s mural?
I’d definitely go with a Robert Rauschenberg
this would do.
https://apollo-magazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/LEAD-RR-1315.jpg
Maybe a Calder?
Depends which friends I’ve talked to most recently.
One said they’d only support me buying a van if it was a wizard van.
Some other friends would appreciate Radiohead’s “In Rainbows” album cover.
I could probably spend 40 years contemplating different ideas, but at the end of the day, some flame theme would probably work well in a pinch.
Tasteful portraits of the Golden Girls, with Miami skyline/beach scenes in the background. Interior decked out with rattan furniture, teal shag carpeting, and that banana palm leaf wallpaper from Blanche’s bedroom.
Best part of this isn’t your wonderfully evocative description (I can see the shimmering goldtones now), but how easily it could all be switched to a Miami Vice theme by simply going with a dark body color.
Thank you for being a friend.
Oh hell yes. M*A*S*H would work too.
My van would be sporting scenes from The Highlander. On one side would be the Kurgen fighting Ramirez in the castle with Heather down below. The other side would be McLeod beheading the Kurgen. Lightning everywhere!
And every time I opened the door, Freddy Mercury would belt out “HEEEEEERE WE ARE! BORN TO BE KINGS!”
Please tell me it would include the guy with the mirror sunglasses from the first, parking garage fight. Always wanted to know more about him.
Of course! And the crazy guy with the Uzi who empties the magazine into the Kurgen after the alley fight with Castigere would be on there, too!
Little is known about Iman Fasil. He was one of the last of the remaining Immortals at the time of the Gathering. Before arriving in New York, he had been living in Syria.
Surely there has to be some way to incorporate Candy – as in: “Hi, I’m Candy.”
“Of course you are.”
Look, we don’t have a lot of time.
Either Mondrian or Jackson Pollock that shit and let’s hit the road.
As an art school grad, I approve of this.
Hockney might also fit the bill. Didn’t he do a BMW art car?
Just no Warhol, please. That guy has had way more than his allotted minutes.
A Boris Vallejo Red Sonja cover.
Well Caravaggio’s Judith Beheading Holofernes then?
It’s from the Bible!
Maybe with a “ Kathy Griffin was right! “ bumper sticker?
Not in my Bible it’s not!
A GWAR reference as well? She stole their bit.
Bradypus sloth riding a German shepherd and a goat running on one side, maybe a life-sized megatherium on the other. Rear interior would just be a large velour bench seat that could fold flat.
In the ’90s, I got to check out Donnie Wahlberg’s conversion van when it was at the bodyshop being repaired after sideswiping a bunch of parked cars (Reportedly, he would sometimes do this on purpose and buy the people he hit new cars. I believe they were poor people with old junkers, so it was kind of a charity thing, but who knows how much is true.) His was green on green. There was a massive subwoofer under the rearmost bench and it had dual NESs mounted to the ceiling in the back. The benches folded flat to make a huge bed. I’m sure he must have used it to sleep and listen to gentle music between shows. Not velour, though (thankfully!), it was vinyl/leather, but I thought the folding seats were a good idea for long distance driving.
A replica of the Carson Inferno Van from Burnout Paradise.
If not that, a mural of the van on the van, that has its own little mural too, and so on and so forth.
Side A) Bigfoot and Dracula piloting a biplane whilst pursuing a couple Ewoks on a harley with princess peach in a sidecar.
Side B) Bender being god to a civilization of anthropomorphic cars driving people.
1969 Dodge A100, mural of Gandalf and the Balrog of Morgoth with a half-naked Galadriel!
Definitely a Roger Dean theme! The circle dragon from the Dragon’s Dream book on one side and whatever Yes album cover my wife wants on the other side.
Interior, classic shag carpeting and 4 captain’s chairs for the front and middle rows
in vivid colors, wood grain where needed, a table in the middle and a bed in back for easy camping trips. Yeah, camping, really.
The cover to Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell 2 album, obvs.
The millennium falcon on the drivers side and the tantive IV on the passenger side. ‘I Know’ on the spare tire cover on the back door.
Han and Chewie would absolutely drive a conversion van in our world. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts.”
Nope! A converted RV, and all they would ask for is 248 space bucks for gas, food and tolls,
Hmmm…possibly… But we should be able to agree that Luke would be driving a Datsun 280ZX.
I decided a long time ago at a record shop that if I ever needed a good van mural, Jefferson Starship’s “Winds of Change” album art would be my go-to.
Another article that really makes me wish members could attach images to comments!
That’s trippy. I gotta go with art from any “Dio” album.
‘Starry Night’ on one side, ‘Sunflowers’ on the other.
It’s a Van Gogh.
You gotta cut off one of the rear-view mirrors.
(Googled it: he cut off the lower part of his LEFT ear after a terrible fight with fellow artist Paul Gauguin. The famous self-portrait shows a bandaged RIGHT ear because he painted his reflection. Soooo…which mirror you break and remove part of is up to you, I guess .)
There was one I saw frequently on my way to work with a pirate ship battle. It was awesome.
Obviously a Rush themed van a la Kreiger. I’m partial to Vanispheres, Exit Van Left, or of course simply… VAN.
Not feeling “A Farewell to Vans”?
That’s a pretty tough one to pull off and make fun on a van.
I think Moving Vans is a no-branier
I was thinking along the same line, with an ongoing series of paint jobs dedicated to Rush.
And, of course, the horn would play “YYZ (pronounced wy-wy-zed).”
Neil Peart stands alone!
I saw one with a bright aquarium and a tasteful mermaid once and thought why not. Stick to the nautical theme on the inside with teak and brass and blue and with a aquarium peak early 00s PMR style but with 70s flare.
You could really do a lot with that porthole window.
The Universe, baby. https://steven-universe.fandom.com/wiki/Greg%27s_Van
Although someone in New Jersey already beat me to it. They even got the right 1970s Dodge Tradesman to use as the base. https://www.reddit.com/r/stevenuniverse/comments/6slc5p/reallife_mr_universe_van/
(I’ll just have to settle for the UNIVRS plate on my Mazda)
Impressive job by that person.
Collage of all of the A-Team. Yes, Frankie too, and Stockwell ominously in the background.
I feel like a wizard riding a unicorn is the only right answer here. Extra right if there is lightning shooting from the unicorn’s horn.
Mr T https://barnfinds.com/pity-fool-doesnt-buy-1973-gmc-motorhome/
A blown up copy of the Volcano album cover with the name VANcano?
FREE CANDY!! with Pennywise graphics.
My uncle had a white Ford Econoline cargo van that he was building into his own conversion type van. The only windows in the back were in the rear doors and the side barn doors.
One day, he walked out to it and got in to drive to work. The way it was parked, he never saw the passenger side of it. He did notice, however, that people really seemed angry at him that morning. Lots of honks, dirty looks, and one finger salutes.
But also quite a few people laughing, too.
When he got to work, he got out and headed into the building. A coworker caught up to him and asked what was the deal with his van. He had no idea what they were talking about, so they both turned and headed back to look at it.
On the pristine white flank of the passenger side, in, like, 18″ high letters, was the word “F*** Y” (uncensored, of course) in black spray paint. He assumed the second word was going to be YOU, but the vandal had been interrupted.
Suddenly, everyone’s behavior on his morning commute made sense…
I’d still take that over “FREE CANDY”
Your loss. The free candy comes with a free ride too.
Tell me more about the candy.
It’s amazing! But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just step into my van and you can find out for yourself.
“He assumed the second word was going to be YOU, but the vandal had been interrupted.”
Or maybe that vandal just really had a beef with the letter “Y”.
Kind of an anti-Sesame Street theme I guess.
I’m sick of this “A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y” crap. You’re either a vowel or you’re not. Pick a side.