Few things are as aggressively 1970s as a chunky rear-wheel-drive American van wearing an epic airbrushed mural, preferably something cribbed from the indelible works of Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta or maybe a nice Roger Dean. For today’s Autopian Ask, I’m wondering what mural you would paint on your own van in the unlikely parallel universe where you are required by law to own a 1970s van wearing full sides of artwork.
I spent much of my childhood in the back of vans. The earliest van that I remember was my dad’s brown Plymouth Voyager. I remember being in the second row on a warm summer night with WLS 890 AM playing in the background. Every once in a while, the talking heads that I didn’t understand would be overcome by the welcoming sounds of static. On more than one occasion, WLS and the hum of AM radio would be joined by the scents of cigarette smoke and the whine of yet another dying automatic transmission.
In 2001, my parents bought a worn-out Catalina travel trailer from the early 1990s. This trailer had a soft floor, a leaky roof, and iffy appliances, but it was my childhood gateway to camping. But a minivan couldn’t tow this trailer. That’s when they bought a conversion van.
The funny thing about conversion vans from the 1990s is that a lot of them were based on something like the third-generation Chevy Van G20, a design that ran from 1971 to 1996. Even in the 1990s, it was hard to hide the vintage bones of the G20. Our G20 was a 1995, and I remember it fondly for its mood lighting, shag carpeting, second-row captain’s chairs, and a second radio just for the person sitting in the left seat in the second row.
But even that van couldn’t hold a candle to what conversion vans were like in the 1970s. Our wonderful editor and graphics man Pete, has filled this post with images of groovy conversion vans. The first up there is one of those GM vans, and it sports side pipes, wheels that look like they belong on a muscle car, and a glorious Star Trek-themed mural. Hey, Trekkies like vans, too!
This next one is also another GM van, and look at that, there are more side pipes and deep wheels. This one seems to depict a double guitar mid-shred, and surrounded by the necks of other guitars? I can’t stop looking at it, trying to figure out what the artist was going for.
Alright, so you’re being forced to buy a 1970s conversion van, and you absolutely have to put a mural on it. It’s completely optional, of course, but if you’d like to go beyond mere description and actually put visuals to your van-tasy art, you can use the blank machine above to let your freak flag fly! Also, it’s an old conversion van, so you have to tell me what the interior is going to look like, too.
Top graphic image: North Shore Classics
You did not say what kind of Conversion Van. So I am going with a Harlequin colored Westphalia. So There!
I’d put on the Transformers: The Movie theatrical release poster from 1986.
Bowser from super Mario bros 2, and he’s got sunglasses on and he’s like winking, but he’s also riding a surfboard and waves are coming up. But wait, he’s also got one of those guitars with 2 necks, like a double neck guitar and notes are coming out, so he’s like wailing and waves are coming up. OHH I forgot about the pot leaf, all that is on a pot leaf and all that’s on a cross, because I’m like really religious cuz my mom died when I was a kid. And above all that it says ” let’s party” NO! It should say, “Happy Birthday Rick” because it’s his birthday tomorrow and he will flip out!
The Legend of Zelda a Link to the Past world map.
Kittens riding Vespas.
Yaaaas.
Without question, I would create an homage to Pakistani “art on the wheel” truck art style.
It would be a tribute to hard working blue collar immigrants who had to leave their culture behind in hopes of building a better future.
A dragon breathing fire onto a snowman wearing dark glasses and a balaclava with the flames spelling out ABOLISH ICE.
I’d paint it the camo pattern manufacturers use when testing prototypes and new generations. That way people would think my old-ass van was some yet-to-be-released new vehicle.
If some YouTuber hasn’t already done a version of this, they need to.
Hmm, tough choice.
Part of me wants to say a quaint Thomas Kinkade painting of a cozy little cottage in a peaceful woodland setting.
Another part of me wants to add glowing green eyes in the woods and blood splatters visible through the windows of the cottage.
A third part of me says screw Kinkade and go with a toilet seat in profile on the driver’s door with the bottom half of a man sitting on the toilet.
Bob Ross mural with his little trees?
I would probably do the Dark side of the moon album cover Prism Thing.
I visited an art museum when I was 14 and was completely bored out of my mind. All of this supposed “art” looked like trash to me and I didn’t get. I’ve always assumed that this was because I was only 14 and back then I thought that the work of Derek Riggs was the epitome of fine art. Well, a few years back 40-something me visited the Guggenheim and yet again all the supposed “art” looked like trash. Turns out I still think Derek Riggs is fine art. So, I’m pretty sure I’d airbrush my van with one of his Iron Maiden covers, I’ve always been partial to Somewhere in Time.
A P-38 Lightning in flight, but the P-38’s nose art is the van, in detail, including the mural, in detail, and so on as far as the artist is able to portray.
A WW2 airfield, with B-17s and P-47s. And on the front fenders, the same nose-art I’m planning for my airplane (if I ever get around to building it!). The “Sunflower Sweetheart”, a buxom Kansas farm girl in a straw hat and a revealing blue gingham dress (but NOT Dorothy, that’s creepy!).
I’m going with a full 80’s action scene like He-man fighting Skeletor or B.A. Barakus doing his thing.
Burt Reynolds in a cowboy hat smiling. Probaly uncanny not really good, as truckers usually have it, to not stand out too much or break tradition.
Easy pick.
https://static.independent.co.uk/s3fs-public/thumbnails/image/2017/04/26/08/jurassic-world-jeff-goldblum.jpg?quality=75&width=1250&crop=3%3A2%2Csmart&auto=webp
Hmmm. I’m thinking David and Torch, both shirtless (obviously), riding a unicorn across the surface of the moon. Overhead, a comet with Mercedes face on it, shoots across the sky.
Can we get David eating Spaghetti under a shower head with the Sghetti fanning out like the Darkside of the moon album cover?
Yes, but we also need Torch to be holding a chainsaw while an anthropomorphic battery flees in terror.
YES!
There was a Star Wars van that popped up locally a couple times in the last year or two, I would definitely rock that for reasons.
yesssss.
Who cares if the rear visibility is terrible? Nobody can see shit while wearing a stormtrooper helmet!
A 1970’s van? It would have to be any of Frank Frazetta’s paintings. Pick one, any one. They are all amazing. Death Dealer is one of the most famous and iconic along with his Conan the Barbarian poster. The Viking, Beauty and Beast, they are all amazing.
A giant, spray-painted possum
“Keep your stick on the ice!”
As long as your wife said it was OK.
I mean if she’s watchin’ I’ll be coming straight home after the meeting…
The youtube channel Junkyard Digs did their own own version of the Possum van a couple years ago. It’s definitely worth a watch!
Needs to be the shittiest Dodge you can find too. Exhaust leak is mandatory here.
No problem here in the rustbelt!
Whole mural made of same color than rest of the car. Some would say that’s no mural, but I would say it’s the correct threatment.
Speaking of which, I came close buying and Jaguar XJ-S coupe 10 years a go as a wedding car/sunday cruiser. Unfortunately the ads didn’t show the big ass cat someone had painted in the hood of othervise original car that was in excellent condition.
Album cover from Rush’s “Fly By Night”, with the owl’s wings spanning the entire sides of the van. The blue base color will look great too.
Molly Hatchet “Flirtin’ with Disaster” album cover.
There is nothing more 1970’s van than a Molly Hatchet album.
I came here to say anything by Frank Frazetta, but that is an excellent choice my friend.
This popped into my head as well.
Pretty much any Iron Maiden album cover would work as well, though I am very fond of the Live After Death cover.
Mine would be a 1976 Chevy G10 work van. No side pipes, as it would come with a 292 and a 3-on-the-tree. Also just stock wheels with chrome dog dish or baby moon center hub caps, chrome trim rings, and raised-white-letter BF Goodrich radial TA tires.
I’ve been a pretty big Metallica fan since 1986, and I have this T-shirt with the first 5 album covers all blended together on it. I would somehow have that as my mural.
Here’s what that T-shirt looks like:
https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/6X0AAeSw5udo~Uxe/s-l1600.webp
I think that would be a kick-ass mural.
If it’s me, Thundercats, He-Man, GI Joe, and Transformers all on an epic field of battle, if the wife has anything to say about it probably some Supernatural tv show related paraphernalia, stupid show that went for 13 seasons with a cool car and demons and such ruining my Van life dreams.
How about an homage to Team America World Police?
F*CK YEAH