Few things are as aggressively 1970s as a chunky rear-wheel-drive American van wearing an epic airbrushed mural, preferably something cribbed from the indelible works of Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta or maybe a nice Roger Dean. For today’s Autopian Ask, I’m wondering what mural you would paint on your own van in the unlikely parallel universe where you are required by law to own a 1970s van wearing full sides of artwork.
I spent much of my childhood in the back of vans. The earliest van that I remember was my dad’s brown Plymouth Voyager. I remember being in the second row on a warm summer night with WLS 890 AM playing in the background. Every once in a while, the talking heads that I didn’t understand would be overcome by the welcoming sounds of static. On more than one occasion, WLS and the hum of AM radio would be joined by the scents of cigarette smoke and the whine of yet another dying automatic transmission.
In 2001, my parents bought a worn-out Catalina travel trailer from the early 1990s. This trailer had a soft floor, a leaky roof, and iffy appliances, but it was my childhood gateway to camping. But a minivan couldn’t tow this trailer. That’s when they bought a conversion van.
The funny thing about conversion vans from the 1990s is that a lot of them were based on something like the third-generation Chevy Van G20, a design that ran from 1971 to 1996. Even in the 1990s, it was hard to hide the vintage bones of the G20. Our G20 was a 1995, and I remember it fondly for its mood lighting, shag carpeting, second-row captain’s chairs, and a second radio just for the person sitting in the left seat in the second row.
But even that van couldn’t hold a candle to what conversion vans were like in the 1970s. Our wonderful editor and graphics man Pete, has filled this post with images of groovy conversion vans. The first up there is one of those GM vans, and it sports side pipes, wheels that look like they belong on a muscle car, and a glorious Star Trek-themed mural. Hey, Trekkies like vans, too!
This next one is also another GM van, and look at that, there are more side pipes and deep wheels. This one seems to depict a double guitar mid-shred, and surrounded by the necks of other guitars? I can’t stop looking at it, trying to figure out what the artist was going for.
Alright, so you’re being forced to buy a 1970s conversion van, and you absolutely have to put a mural on it. It’s completely optional, of course, but if you’d like to go beyond mere description and actually put visuals to your van-tasy art, you can use the blank machine above to let your freak flag fly! Also, it’s an old conversion van, so you have to tell me what the interior is going to look like, too.
Top graphic image: North Shore Classics
A chick in a metal bikini slaying a dragon, is there any other answer?
Candy, lots and lots of candy.
Wizard fight. 100% wizard fight.
Cats with Lazer Beams and Mid-evil Armor in some Apocalypse scene. Awesome!
As opposed to min-evil or max-evil?
Trying to strike a compromise on the level of evil. . .or maybe I just don’t know how to spell “Medieval”.
I came up with the perfect theme in a discussion of “kustom vans” over on Ye Olde German Lighting Site. I remember these well for my childhood, and an evergreen theme for them was the good ol’ suggestive double entendre, so here goes:
A cartoon mural of an anthropomorphic dog wearing an apron and a chef hat at a barbecue grill, holding up a hot dog on a meat fork with a big smile on his face, and the name of the rig in airbrushed letters: Wiener Waggin’.
I haven’t gotten around to the interior description yet, but I guarantee you there will be porthole windows on each side in the shape of an as yet undetermined suit from the deck of cards. Probably a club.
An x-ray of what’s going on inside the van.
I mean it’s gotta be a buffalo stampede, right? Bright blue sky but with huge storm clouds on the horizon, gorgeous brown buffalo kicking up dust on the plains. A force of nature.
If I’m doing the mural, I’m full on doing the mural. I’m thinking hot chick in skimpy fantasy “armor”, holding a sword or a naginata, along with a lightly armored Gyspy Vanner, hanging out by a waterfall and a small pool deep in the forest. Hidden in the trees is a dryad peeking out. Maybe viewable in the distance is a classic wizard summoning lighting on a mountain top. Oh, and a dragon, Ciruelo Cabral style.
Just the other day I saw an amazing van that had a wood wall cutting the front off from the back, with like a 3 foot port hole to climb through in to the “party room” in the back. It also featured shag carpet and brown leather accents, as predictable.
I knew a guy in high school who bought an old phone company van and hand painted it like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo. It was epic.
Ford Econoline, black primer, side pipes, chrome Cragars. Robt. Willams hot rod/ lowbrow mural. Plywood interior for hauling parts.
Lede pic is almost certainly a David Mann illustration but no mention in the paragraph? Wha?
That said, I think I would go Mann-style but a wizard rather than a biker. But the wizard would be casting a wizardly spell consisting of a Shovelhead-powered dragon with lightning coming out of its eyeballs.
Or just a Samuel Lee Turner illustration. I always liked the evil/metal imagery he did for TRVE Brewery (RIP) in Denver. Dude already knows vans.
I didn’t read all the comments to see if someone had said this, but I would paint it to make it look like the inside of the van with the sliding door open all the time.
While I would be tempted to mimic one of Dr. Krieger’s Rush-themed vans (Exit Van Left, Vanispheres, Caress of Krieger, Van By Night), I would probably go with something painted by Jason Galea (artist for King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard) or Joe Becker (artist for Tropical F*** Storm).
I came to the comments hoping for a Krieger reference, and prepared to make it if no one had.
“wwwwwWIZARD!” – wasn’t there an old commercial about this, where the guy could summon the wizard painted on the side of his van? Surely this is not something my brain dreamed up by itself…
I think it was an Alltel commercial.
Yep, found it.
Hero! XD
As long as it’s fantasy-land, I’d use magic money to commission art from a comic book guy, since most of their most awesome stuff is the wrong aspect ratio for vans. I’m thinking Mike Mignola would make Hellboy amazing.
But if he turned me down, it’d be Simon “Grisley” Bisley. Lobo. Hell yeah.
I’d probably go with an all white van with an image of a banana duct taped to the side.
No sense in just taping a real banana up there, as that would mess up the aerodynamics. We’re talking full bore airbrushed quasi-still life. I want to see (but not feel) the texture of the duct tape here.
It ought to make the van worth millions, and worthy of display in the Peterson museum.
I agree that you really don’t want to mess up the aero on these things. I bet you could just do the banana and use real duct tape to really make it pop.
A mural of the van, in the desert. You can clearly see the mural on the van in the painting, and that goes on for infinity.
An elaborate version of the “Big Trouble In Little China” movie poster. CB, and the CB handle “Pork Chop Express” comes standard with purchase of the van, along with Jack Burton’s signature TEC-9.
I’d reincarnate and commission Syd Mead to just go ham on it.
Scenes from Manos: The Hands of Fate. Possibly with the MST3K cast silhouetted just above the rockers.
Vanity plates that read “VANOS”.
Interior trim would consist of black-lacquered wood with bordello-red crushed velvet upholstery.
Or…work with me here…scenes from Space Mutiny with Mike and the Bots and vanity plates that read “SPDSOF3”.
I think America is not ready for Torgo on the highway (and the Master might not approve).
We put our faith in Van Hardcheese!
Yaaaaas!
Sometimes you have to boldly Torgo where no Manos has Torgone before.
A Unicorn making sweet love to Nyan Cat.
With an erupting volcano and a few planets in the background.
A friend in high school had an 60’s A100 dodge van. IIRC it was a 273 or 318 headers, cam all the popular go fast stuff with chrome side-pipes. Inside it had purple shag and black Naugahyde, black lights and some posters, a chrome chainlink steering wheel and a loud stereo. It was jacked up on cragar SS wheels and painted using a roller for some reason, a close enough purple to match the interior. We thought it was the coolest thing in the world. No mural though. It was great for driveins, hanging at A&W, drinking and other youthful past times. Girls actually liked it.
It I had to paint a mural it would be a black panther in a dark cave. Was never a fan of van art.
TROGDOR!!!!!!
Will he be burninating the countryside?
Certainly burninating the peasants.
Not exactly a “mural” in the traditional sense but back in the 60’s the family photofinishing business had a Dodge van (no side windows) painted up like a 35mm KODAK film box. That’s assuming I would ever want to drive one again.
In the early 1980s, there was one in the neighborhood that had a little round “bubble” window near the top/rear of the side of the cargo van. The owner had painted a glorious fantasy-art wizard with one hand outstretched “holding” that window as if it were a crystal ball. It was perfect. I wish I had a picture of it.