I’m what a number of standardized testing procedures, trained professionals, friends, peers, pets, and random highly-qualified individuals (and groups) on the internet call, colloquially, an “idiot.” This is not a haphazard diagnosis; I have earned this categorization through decades of hard work, determination, and a commitment to results. This past weekend, I once again reaffirmed this diagnosis by doing something that ended up in an outcome everyone said would happen, and yet I did it anyway.
The thing everyone said would happen was that my truck, the wonderful 1989 Ford F-150 named “The Marshal” that was gifted to me by David a few years back, broke down and got me stuck. This has happened before. A number of times before. But, despite these things “happening” to “me” many “times” I still don’t expect that’s what will happen again whenever I take the truck anywhere. And in my head, this all makes sense!
You see, a very old friend of mine (he’s not old, the friendship is, you see) needed a bookcase picked up from his parents’ place about an hour away, so he asked if we could take the F-150. I’m always happy to use the truck, so I said sure! He then measured his car, a Subaru Outback, and realized the bookcase would just fit, so he suggested we just take that, as it would guarantee being able to, you know, get there and back.
But remember, this is a tale of me being an idiot. The Outback could take the bookcase if the rear seats were folded flat. And my kid, Otto, wanted to come with us. The F-150 seats three abreast (giggle) so I thought well, let’s just take the truck so we can all go! What could go wrong?
My friend was a little hesitant, but to his credit, decided sure, why not? And he even asked to drive! And besides, I was confident because just about a month ago the truck made it to Virginia and back with no major issues! I had head gasket/cooling system issues, but used a magic blue elixir that seems to have solved those, so I was confident.
We headed out, and all seemed great; the truck was driving just fine! It was a beautiful day and we were taking backroads and the sky was blue, the landscape verdant, and everything just felt right. The old farm truck was winding and wending through Carolina country roads, as at home in its environment as a tapeworm in a colon.
Then the truck stalled.
It was as we were taking a turn at an intersection, and the truck stalled midway. I’m used to this happening at times, and have gotten good at immediately restarting it, but that’s not something I could expect of my friend. So I got out and pushed and we tried to roll start it but to no avail.
A couple of extremely friendly and kind guys stopped to help us try and push start it, but still no luck. After a bit of trying the battery voltage seemed to be low, and when I checked the battery, the cables leading to it were so hot one of the terminals burst into flame like a forbidden birthday cake. Luckily, I had a spare battery so I swapped that out.
We tried a jump start thanks to our new, helpful friends, jumping from their truck, then one more push start which I juuussst about had success with, but then the engine just quit. Then the starter quit completely, likely burned out from all the trying to start.
In hindsight, I think what may be going on is that my coil is going bad. I’ve had issues where it’ll start just fine the first time, but then if I stop and try to restart soon, it won’t start. But if I wait a bit, it’ll fire up again. That sounds like an overheating coil. But that didn’t occur to me until it was too late! I think I was so happy the overheating/head gasket issues seemed to be under control that I neglected to realize that I have multiple things going on and going wrong.
So, I had to get the truck towed back home. And this is where the really embarrassing/sobering thing happened. As I was explaining to the tow truck driver where my driveway was and where I’d like the truck placed, he told me, oh yeah, I know already. Because he told me he had been here before.
He’d towed my Pao at some point; it could have been when I had it towed to get its transmission replaced after I went too long without changing the gear oil, foolishly, which David has already chastised me for, so you don’t have to worry about that. The point is this tow truck driver, randomly selected from AAA’s local stable, remembered me. I don’t want to be a regular customer for a tow truck, and yet here I am.
I’ll replace the starter and the coil, and I suspect that’ll get the F-150 going again. And, as always, I will trust it, blindly, unflinchingly, and precisely no one else will. Not my son, my wife, my friends, all of whom will shake their heads in disgust and dismay as I happily climb in that beast once again, happily offering to help haul crap.
They will all assume every trip will end up with me stuck on the side of a road. And while, sure, history has proven them right many times, in my heart I know the next time will be different. It will likely take months, maybe longer, for me to be able to convince anyone to trust my truck again, but, true to my idiot diagnosis, I will not quit.
All I see is the stuff that is now fixed! The flywheel has all its teeth! The truck does not spew coolant! The clutch is new! Everything else are details, silly details! I’m going to swap that coil and starter, and show them all!
I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!
After I got my 1968 Olds (back when I was in college in 1995), I became such a frequent customer at the Advance Auto near my apartment that they all knew by name. As soon as I walked in, someone would say “Hi Sid. Your 1968 Oldsmobile part is behind the counter. You can go grab it.”
F.O.R.D.
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
F’n Owner’s Really Dumb
Flip Over & Read Directions
F’d Over Rebuilt Dodge
F’d Over Russian Dunebuggy
Fails On Rainy Days
Factory Output Remains Disappointing
More recently:
Fix Or Recall Daily
And when you spell it backwards, it stands for
Driver Returns On Foot.
It’s been said that close to 90% of F*rds sold since 1980 are still on the road.
-The other 10% actually made it home. 🙂
At least you picked an easy vehicle to have things break down. On some newer stuff the starter is buried very deep in the engine bay.
How do you STILL have Farm Use plates on that thing? Didn’t you say you’d register it properly when you got it? How haven’t you been cited yet?
Not beating the “click farm” allegations.
I wasn’t surprised though, certainly not until pic 3 since NC is a rear-plate-only state and I’d absolutely keep FARM USE on the front at this point if I were him.
It’s on the back as well, unless he’s editing the pictures. And I don’t care personally, but that could get expensive…
let’s just all be cool about that
Good on you, Torch. You’re out there spreading the good word of idiocy to all you come across. You’re bringing more into the fold. Keep up the good work!
Sounds like the town could use a new Marshal.
Where’s your Toyota Sienna?
What a perfect implement for hauling a bookcase. Large interior, Toyota reliability, probably has actual licence plates on it.
You didn’t get rid of it, did you?
i did. Too rational.
This must be an A.I. generated story. It’s about Torch and it mentions being gifted a vehicle, an old friend, and friendly strangers and a familiar tow-truck driver.
Where are the insults, grudges and industry blood feuds?
This didn’t happen at a trade show.
So, the tow truck driver already deals with you in a first-name basis, yet you managed to do it with a Nissan and a Ford truck, not an obviously easier instrument like, say, an Alfa Romeo Arna or a Morris Marina.
An impressive feat, Torch, congrats!
I may be an idiot too, but as an Autopian, being on a first-name basis with your friendly local tow truck driver seems…normal.
Unfortunately, during my time of owning a hand-me-down Volve 96, my independent mechanic knew me by name . . . That car is the reason his kid has straight teeth and a private school education.
Don’t ever change.