I’m what a number of standardized testing procedures, trained professionals, friends, peers, pets, and random highly-qualified individuals (and groups) on the internet call, colloquially, an “idiot.” This is not a haphazard diagnosis; I have earned this categorization through decades of hard work, determination, and a commitment to results. This past weekend, I once again reaffirmed this diagnosis by doing something that ended up in an outcome everyone said would happen, and yet I did it anyway.
The thing everyone said would happen was that my truck, the wonderful 1989 Ford F-150 named “The Marshal” that was gifted to me by David a few years back, broke down and got me stuck. This has happened before. A number of times before. But, despite these things “happening” to “me” many “times” I still don’t expect that’s what will happen again whenever I take the truck anywhere. And in my head, this all makes sense!
You see, a very old friend of mine (he’s not old, the friendship is, you see) needed a bookcase picked up from his parents’ place about an hour away, so he asked if we could take the F-150. I’m always happy to use the truck, so I said sure! He then measured his car, a Subaru Outback, and realized the bookcase would just fit, so he suggested we just take that, as it would guarantee being able to, you know, get there and back.
But remember, this is a tale of me being an idiot. The Outback could take the bookcase if the rear seats were folded flat. And my kid, Otto, wanted to come with us. The F-150 seats three abreast (giggle) so I thought well, let’s just take the truck so we can all go! What could go wrong?
My friend was a little hesitant, but to his credit, decided sure, why not? And he even asked to drive! And besides, I was confident because just about a month ago the truck made it to Virginia and back with no major issues! I had head gasket/cooling system issues, but used a magic blue elixir that seems to have solved those, so I was confident.
We headed out, and all seemed great; the truck was driving just fine! It was a beautiful day and we were taking backroads and the sky was blue, the landscape verdant, and everything just felt right. The old farm truck was winding and wending through Carolina country roads, as at home in its environment as a tapeworm in a colon.
Then the truck stalled.
It was as we were taking a turn at an intersection, and the truck stalled midway. I’m used to this happening at times, and have gotten good at immediately restarting it, but that’s not something I could expect of my friend. So I got out and pushed and we tried to roll start it but to no avail.
A couple of extremely friendly and kind guys stopped to help us try and push start it, but still no luck. After a bit of trying the battery voltage seemed to be low, and when I checked the battery, the cables leading to it were so hot one of the terminals burst into flame like a forbidden birthday cake. Luckily, I had a spare battery so I swapped that out.
We tried a jump start thanks to our new, helpful friends, jumping from their truck, then one more push start which I juuussst about had success with, but then the engine just quit. Then the starter quit completely, likely burned out from all the trying to start.
In hindsight, I think what may be going on is that my coil is going bad. I’ve had issues where it’ll start just fine the first time, but then if I stop and try to restart soon, it won’t start. But if I wait a bit, it’ll fire up again. That sounds like an overheating coil. But that didn’t occur to me until it was too late! I think I was so happy the overheating/head gasket issues seemed to be under control that I neglected to realize that I have multiple things going on and going wrong.
So, I had to get the truck towed back home. And this is where the really embarrassing/sobering thing happened. As I was explaining to the tow truck driver where my driveway was and where I’d like the truck placed, he told me, oh yeah, I know already. Because he told me he had been here before.
He’d towed my Pao at some point; it could have been when I had it towed to get its transmission replaced after I went too long without changing the gear oil, foolishly, which David has already chastised me for, so you don’t have to worry about that. The point is this tow truck driver, randomly selected from AAA’s local stable, remembered me. I don’t want to be a regular customer for a tow truck, and yet here I am.
I’ll replace the starter and the coil, and I suspect that’ll get the F-150 going again. And, as always, I will trust it, blindly, unflinchingly, and precisely no one else will. Not my son, my wife, my friends, all of whom will shake their heads in disgust and dismay as I happily climb in that beast once again, happily offering to help haul crap.
They will all assume every trip will end up with me stuck on the side of a road. And while, sure, history has proven them right many times, in my heart I know the next time will be different. It will likely take months, maybe longer, for me to be able to convince anyone to trust my truck again, but, true to my idiot diagnosis, I will not quit.
All I see is the stuff that is now fixed! The flywheel has all its teeth! The truck does not spew coolant! The clutch is new! Everything else are details, silly details! I’m going to swap that coil and starter, and show them all!
I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!
This all feels painfully familiar to my own recent experiences with an old Ford…
I thought that you were going to say “character” not idiot.
A coil you say? Do late 80s Audi’s have coils? Seriously, I have no idea. If so, that might explain why mine stranded me a dozen+ times in the few years I owned it.
I know this wasn’t a dump run, but all that crap in the back makes me wonder do they not have garbage and bulky item pick up where you live Jason? Or anywhere outside of cities? Guys with old trucks are always doing ‘runs to the dump’ and while I’m sure they might be fun, they probably account for at least 15% of all stranded domestic trucks sitting on the side of the road.
Sometimes, I just want to give up on cars altogether. Does this mean that I’m not a car guy despite 60 years of experience to the contrary?
From the linked article:
“I drove it to my friends’ place next, where we enjoyed some lovely and damp times with them and their family, interacting with cattle, and I offered to haul a bunch of trash from their property that had been languishing for a long time, because, you know, I drank their booze and ate their food and I should probably repay in some way.”
I seem to recall that, but my question stands. We saw Jason’s house when he got the Changli. It seems suburban, not rural. I’ve only lived in big cities all my life, so I tend to imagine that those who don’t happily use looms and make their own duds, eat turnips and animals they grew and raised themselves, always vote Republican no matter their own best interests, etc…
I keed. I keed. 😉
Unrelated: there’s a Paris Hilton edition coffee creamer, which I bought because it was marked down to 99 cents. It says ‘sweet and spicy’ or something like that, along with a pink bottle and a photo of her on the front. It’s got a bit of chili pepper in it I suppose. Or industrial solvent. Or both. It’s not quite awful.
Also unrelated: I bought a $28 camera (for my Volvo keyring) that is a bit smaller than a golf ball and has no screen or viewfinder. You just aim and press the button. I’ve been meaning to test it before the return window expires, and will use the coffee creamer bottle as a close-up subject.
Wat
That’s hot.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
You’re good.
Thanks for making me feel better about my project Seadoo. All the showstopper stuff is done but it’s the little things that I’ll deal with but others won’t that need attention. Once those are whipped it can live up to its billing as a family fun vehicle. Otherwise it’s solely my toy and that’s not what was agreed upon.
That farm has lots of nice paved roads.
What happened to the Toyota?
it had an issue that I thought was significant so I sold it cheap and it proved to be not such a big deal and David was mad at me so let’s just let that one go, please. I’m doing my pennance.
So DT gifts you stuff, and you piss on his foot?
That’s what I call real friendship at work Torch…
It’s when tow truck driver has your Starbuck’s order waiting for you in the truck that you know you’ve hit the next level with your problems.
Especially if you have a Suzuki…
Cappuccino. I’ll see myself out…
I had the same roadside assistance guy stop to help me twice in the span of 2 weeks in my dearly missed 1989 Espace, about a decade ago. Not even a tow truck from my insurer’s roadside assistance, just a random assistance van from the private freeway operator, both times while driving the same stretch of freeway, in the same direction. Probably less than 5km between the places in which each of these events happened.
Now, for the events themselves… well… you see, the first time it was a blown front tire, and I was able to get the spare just out fine without ever having done it in the past… only to discover that the jack that came with the Espace was not able to fully raise it off the ground (the VW logo in the jack should have given me more pause, in retrospect). It could not raise the van high enough to remove the flat tire, nevermid fitting a fully inflated tire afterwards. This time, the assistance van showed up just minutes after I made this realisation and was still pondering all possibilities. I never even called my insurer, as the assistance van had a hydraulic jack that saved the day. We noticed the spare was kind of old, so he recommended that I drive slow and change that tire as soon as I get a new spare. All in all, I was on my way home like 10 minutes after the guy showed up.
Remember how I said the second time was just two weeks later? This was at a time of much more financial instability in my life and it’s not like I just had some €150 euros lying around to buy a couple new tires. I kept driving the car with an old tire uprfront and no spare. You think you guessed it right? Old tire gave in and stranded me in almost the same place again. Wrong! It was actually a rear tire that blew up this time (and that is why you should never just assume things). I knew that tire was slowly leaking air from a bad valve, and should have checked the pressure before that highway trip in a very hot summer day, as had been standard procedure for a while by that time… but I failed to do so, likely leading to the tire blowing up.
That time I knew there was no alternative but to call my insurance company. As I was waiting for the tow truck on the shoulder, I suddenly noticed what seemed like an assistance van approaching, and you guys can probably imagine both my face and his when we recognised each other. You can also guess embarrassment of explaining I hadn’t gotten a spare; he also noticed I was still driving with the old tire up front, and I found myself explaining to him how that rear tire had a bad valve and I’d forgotten to check the pressure before the start of the trip (knowing I was driving around without a spare). I got some strong disapproving looks to say the least.
When I was in high school, the local towing guy knew who I was and where I lived.
I salute your sticktoitiveness.
*titter*
“I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!”
If I had to make a bet, I would bet that at some point it will break down again you’ll show them THAT THEY WERE RIGHT!
LOL.
” Luckily, I had a spare battery ‘ this is the sort of thing that most folks here have said- replace battery with whatever part you have
Yes, I wondered about that too. Carrying a spare battery? A full-size lead acid car battery? What would Colin Chapman have thought?
I had an almost ten-year-old battery in one of my cars, and it was still fine to start and drive around with, provided I didn’t use the radio for more than five minutes if the engine was off. I carried one of those $40. jump start boxes just in case I foolishly listened to KCSN for six or seven minutes.
But an entire extra battery?
Mentioning it will surely cause it to die this exact moment, but my 2016 Sorento still has it’s factory AGM battery.
Impressive, though I had to resort to google to see the Sorento came out in ’02. I assume that yours isn’t quite that old. 🙂
Just 10 years. It’s the youngest vehicle in the fleet, and soon to be departed.
The rest of the fleet:
-2013 (wife)
-2000 (daily)
-1990 (project car)
My fleet:
-2004 (daily)
-1995 (weekend Miata)
-1989 (under a cover)
At least it seems to have been a perfectly good battery without any chainsaw marks…??
I once drove home 500km with a dead alternator as I left my spare at home on a shelf
As someone with a lot of experience with ’80s Fords I bet there’s a good chance your TFI (thick film ignition) module on the distributor is starting to fail. They’re known to cause hot start problems. I’d normally suggest only buying a Ford Motorcraft TFI module, but quality on them seems to be hit and miss. Coils on this era Ford tend to either work or not so I doubt that’s the issue.
Also make sure the starter relay on the inner fender is working before you replace the starter. You may have burned that out. Just make sure there’s 12V being sent from the big lug on it to the starter.
Sounds about right. Those use a special extra-thin 7mm socket tool right?
Yep. I keep a spare module and socket in my ’85 Ford at all times.
For 1980’s GM HEI distributors, if there is any problem and you haven’t replaced the ignition module in the last year or so, replace it before doing anything else.
So very true!
After my 89 F150 died in the middle of my work commute due to a failed ignition module, I always carried a spare along with the special socket to change it. Sold that truck back in 98.
Late 80’s early 90s Ford? Grab an ignition control module out of a junkyard. Do NOT get one from a parts store.
It keeps leaving you stranded because you less than half-ass attempt to make it reliable. A quarter ass? Can it even be identified as an ass at this point?
The fixes on this poor thing come on such a lethargic timeline, that it’s like painting the Golden Gate bridge.
By the time you fix the last thing, you’ll have to start back again at the flywheel problem.
That being said, it’s great entertainment for us. So please, continue.
He’s using a third of his ass.
I’ll let you determine which third.
There’s a Crack in his logic then
No matter which third, it stinks.
It’s fine until he invites you to dinner with his family. That’s when shit will get serious.
After I got my 1968 Olds (back when I was in college in 1995), I became such a frequent customer at the Advance Auto near my apartment that they all knew by name. As soon as I walked in, someone would say “Hi Sid. Your 1968 Oldsmobile part is behind the counter. You can go grab it.”
F.O.R.D.
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
F’n Owner’s Really Dumb
Flip Over & Read Directions
F’d Over Rebuilt Dodge
F’d Over Russian Dunebuggy
Fails On Rainy Days
Factory Output Remains Disappointing
More recently:
Fix Or Recall Daily
And when you spell it backwards, it stands for
Driver Returns On Foot.
It’s been said that close to 90% of F*rds sold since 1980 are still on the road.
-The other 10% actually made it home. 🙂
I had a few Rangers, and they were indestructible, even at the hands of my adolescent self. I barely changed the oil, you could hear the rod knock from across the parking lot, but they kept running.
At least you picked an easy vehicle to have things break down. On some newer stuff the starter is buried very deep in the engine bay.
How do you STILL have Farm Use plates on that thing? Didn’t you say you’d register it properly when you got it? How haven’t you been cited yet?
Not beating the “click farm” allegations.
I wasn’t surprised though, certainly not until pic 3 since NC is a rear-plate-only state and I’d absolutely keep FARM USE on the front at this point if I were him.
It’s on the back as well, unless he’s editing the pictures. And I don’t care personally, but that could get expensive…
let’s just all be cool about that
That’s why he drives around with all that crap in it; farm use cosplay.
No, let’s not take your Subaru, let’s take my unregistered unreliable 10 MPG pickup on a 2 hour round trip to move your $50 bookcase…
Good on you, Torch. You’re out there spreading the good word of idiocy to all you come across. You’re bringing more into the fold. Keep up the good work!
Sounds like the town could use a new Marshal.
Where’s your Toyota Sienna?
What a perfect implement for hauling a bookcase. Large interior, Toyota reliability, probably has actual licence plates on it.
You didn’t get rid of it, did you?
i did. Too rational.
He sent more than one ping from the sonar button and the Dallas blew him out of the water.
Damned rusty Morse. Va-va-va-BOOM!
This must be an A.I. generated story. It’s about Torch and it mentions being gifted a vehicle, an old friend, and friendly strangers and a familiar tow-truck driver.
Where are the insults, grudges and industry blood feuds?
This didn’t happen at a trade show.
No, it IS AI-generated slop, hence the typo: actually, David grifted the Marshal. We all know this piece and the others are DT playing the long con(tent).
So, the tow truck driver already deals with you in a first-name basis, yet you managed to do it with a Nissan and a Ford truck, not an obviously easier instrument like, say, an Alfa Romeo Arna or a Morris Marina.
An impressive feat, Torch, congrats!
I may be an idiot too, but as an Autopian, being on a first-name basis with your friendly local tow truck driver seems…normal.
Unfortunately, during my time of owning a hand-me-down Volve 96, my independent mechanic knew me by name . . . That car is the reason his kid has straight teeth and a private school education.
Don’t ever change.