I’m what a number of standardized testing procedures, trained professionals, friends, peers, pets, and random highly-qualified individuals (and groups) on the internet call, colloquially, an “idiot.” This is not a haphazard diagnosis; I have earned this categorization through decades of hard work, determination, and a commitment to results. This past weekend, I once again reaffirmed this diagnosis by doing something that ended up in an outcome everyone said would happen, and yet I did it anyway.
The thing everyone said would happen was that my truck, the wonderful 1989 Ford F-150 named “The Marshal” that was gifted to me by David a few years back, broke down and got me stuck. This has happened before. A number of times before. But, despite these things “happening” to “me” many “times” I still don’t expect that’s what will happen again whenever I take the truck anywhere. And in my head, this all makes sense!
You see, a very old friend of mine (he’s not old, the friendship is, you see) needed a bookcase picked up from his parents’ place about an hour away, so he asked if we could take the F-150. I’m always happy to use the truck, so I said sure! He then measured his car, a Subaru Outback, and realized the bookcase would just fit, so he suggested we just take that, as it would guarantee being able to, you know, get there and back.
But remember, this is a tale of me being an idiot. The Outback could take the bookcase if the rear seats were folded flat. And my kid, Otto, wanted to come with us. The F-150 seats three abreast (giggle) so I thought well, let’s just take the truck so we can all go! What could go wrong?
My friend was a little hesitant, but to his credit, decided sure, why not? And he even asked to drive! And besides, I was confident because just about a month ago the truck made it to Virginia and back with no major issues! I had head gasket/cooling system issues, but used a magic blue elixir that seems to have solved those, so I was confident.
We headed out, and all seemed great; the truck was driving just fine! It was a beautiful day and we were taking backroads and the sky was blue, the landscape verdant, and everything just felt right. The old farm truck was winding and wending through Carolina country roads, as at home in its environment as a tapeworm in a colon.
Then the truck stalled.
It was as we were taking a turn at an intersection, and the truck stalled midway. I’m used to this happening at times, and have gotten good at immediately restarting it, but that’s not something I could expect of my friend. So I got out and pushed and we tried to roll start it but to no avail.
A couple of extremely friendly and kind guys stopped to help us try and push start it, but still no luck. After a bit of trying the battery voltage seemed to be low, and when I checked the battery, the cables leading to it were so hot one of the terminals burst into flame like a forbidden birthday cake. Luckily, I had a spare battery so I swapped that out.
We tried a jump start thanks to our new, helpful friends, jumping from their truck, then one more push start which I juuussst about had success with, but then the engine just quit. Then the starter quit completely, likely burned out from all the trying to start.
In hindsight, I think what may be going on is that my coil is going bad. I’ve had issues where it’ll start just fine the first time, but then if I stop and try to restart soon, it won’t start. But if I wait a bit, it’ll fire up again. That sounds like an overheating coil. But that didn’t occur to me until it was too late! I think I was so happy the overheating/head gasket issues seemed to be under control that I neglected to realize that I have multiple things going on and going wrong.
So, I had to get the truck towed back home. And this is where the really embarrassing/sobering thing happened. As I was explaining to the tow truck driver where my driveway was and where I’d like the truck placed, he told me, oh yeah, I know already. Because he told me he had been here before.
He’d towed my Pao at some point; it could have been when I had it towed to get its transmission replaced after I went too long without changing the gear oil, foolishly, which David has already chastised me for, so you don’t have to worry about that. The point is this tow truck driver, randomly selected from AAA’s local stable, remembered me. I don’t want to be a regular customer for a tow truck, and yet here I am.
I’ll replace the starter and the coil, and I suspect that’ll get the F-150 going again. And, as always, I will trust it, blindly, unflinchingly, and precisely no one else will. Not my son, my wife, my friends, all of whom will shake their heads in disgust and dismay as I happily climb in that beast once again, happily offering to help haul crap.
They will all assume every trip will end up with me stuck on the side of a road. And while, sure, history has proven them right many times, in my heart I know the next time will be different. It will likely take months, maybe longer, for me to be able to convince anyone to trust my truck again, but, true to my idiot diagnosis, I will not quit.
All I see is the stuff that is now fixed! The flywheel has all its teeth! The truck does not spew coolant! The clutch is new! Everything else are details, silly details! I’m going to swap that coil and starter, and show them all!
I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!
Chiming in late but if you have the distributor mounted tfi, swap it out for a remote mount. If you have a remote mount it’s likely the hall pickup in the distributor is going bad. Repair or replace.
You’re lucky that you’re so funny and adorable.
#ItMe
Maybe he’s a fan and remembered the previous tow because he already knew who you were so it stuck in his mind?
Sounds remarkably similar to my experiences with Triumph and Leyland products. All of them suffered from various electrical and mechanical maladies. The Trident and TR6 required major mechanical and electrical surgeries carried out serially as you are proposing to make them periodically reliable. The TR7 had every electrical component save the clock replaced. The Prince was strong in the 7.
The 7 had an integrated cdi system attached to the distributor. The fix involved lathing off the top of the leyland distributor cutting down the drive shaft, and welding on the top half of a iron duke distributor. Add an MSD control box and voila, an ignition system that didn’t shut down when it got warmer than 25 C.
I got to “Seats three abreast (giggle)” and hadn’t needed the imperitive, I already giggled and realized you really are an idiot, and so am I.
I can’t help but giggle at the thought of “studying abroad.”
Groucho Marx: I was studying abroad. What she was studying I have no idea.
I totally read that in Groucho’s voice. Thank you.
You know the driver is thinking of making an offer on your truck, right? He’s already looked it over twice.
Pile of shit truck owners unite! My truck is currently loaded up for the dump but refused to get going last weekend so now I’m doing fuel diagnostics
I was about to type something BUT I WILL NOT JINX MYSELF.
Sounds suspiciously like a bad TFI ignition module. It was the bane of my 88 F250 ownership. Good luck finding a genuine Motorcraft one, I had trouble locating ones 10 years ago when I last had the truck. Aftermarket ones are a crapshoot, lasting as short as 100 miles, up to say 5000. I always carried a spare one with me.
Later trucks moved the mounting of the module from the distributor to the radiator support along with a heat sink. Once I changed mine to this, the problems largely disappeared.
They make extension kits for the wiring, this is such a common problem.
So I’d go to the local Pick-n-Pull, find a Ford truck with the TFI module mounted away from the distributor, and grab the module and the heat sink. Order the wiring kit, and hopefully that’ll be a more long term solution.
Is this similar to the GM TBI ignition module mounted in the distributor? After three years with my TBI K5 my module went out, so I had to become intimately familiar with them. It seems I got lucky, it’s a common issue, and it’s helped by proper thermal paste application but really a crap shoot even with good paste. I intend to buy a few more to keep in the glovebox, as well as a set of the tools needed to get it while on the side of the road…
Yes, same basic concept. Module mounted on distributor. I think GMs version is slightly less prone to failure (I never had a failure on my Camaro that had it.)
It seems to be an issue that’s getting worse as getting original equipment parts has been getting harder, the aftermarket parts from AutoZone and others are exacerbating the issue. Reading the forums, it seems many of the afflicted owners have taken to keeping the part and the tools to swap it in the glovebox.
“As at home in its environment as a tapeworm in a colon” is an analogy only Jason could make. I did have two cars towed within a month due to a string of bad luck, so I have the tow company in my contacts.
My 2002 F150 only needed a tow once, after blowing out a spark plug, as 5.4 Tritons do. It did let us down a few weeks ago when we were going on a trip and the starter went click. Since the battery was at least seven years old we transferred our stuff to the car, vacated, and replaced the battery when we got home. As a coda, the car has a key chain tag from the tow company because the previous owner bought it from a tow truck driver.
Someday, in that not to distant future, Otto is going to meet somebody special in his life.
Just then it will hit him that not everyone grew up with dad who managed to have them both stranded at least on a semiannual basis. His young life has been shaped by being stranded in a canoe, American pickup, small weird French, Japanese, German and Swedish cars, AND a cartoonish Chinese electric cart. All for the purpose of automotive exploration and enjoyment of a car loving public.
It will make him absolutely unique and special. I reckon he can explain that fully to his therapist or I guess he can use that topic entitled “how I survived my international shitbox childhood” for his prestigious college entrance essay if he is so inclined.
Tis the Otto cycle of life…
That’s gotta be COTD
Glad you liked it!
It may also lead him to a lifetime of mediocre cars, Civics, Corollas, RAV4s
Nah, I think it’ll be the opposite. Too many people fear failure because they haven’t had to go through it. For Otto, being stranded by a broken down shitbox is just part of life. He has a bright automotive future ahead of him full of Alfas, Peugots, British Leyland, and possibly even Stellantis cars. He may even possibly be brave enough to daily a Dodge Hornet someday!
If nothing else, he’ll get it cheap.
It’s spelled Peugeots, or as my Lemons race teams says “Push-to-go”. ????
I can only spell Peugeot because I used to own one, otherwise I’d have to google it every time. Some French words I can guess the correct spelling, but not ‘peng-wot’ (as my brother used to pronounce it)
A Dodge Hornet may be a bridge to far.
This is a sweet thing to say.
I mean, all you have to do is install a 2nd engine:
“Instead of calling for a tow, he pulled over, disconnected the driveshaft from the broken engine, and drove away on the remaining engine.”
https://www.theautopian.com/eight-decades-ago-a-man-tried-to-make-trucking-more-efficient-by-putting-two-engines-four-front-tires-and-five-axles-on-a-truck/
Thankfully I haven’t had the experience where the tow truck driver knows me, but I did encounter one who knew of me. The fuel pump had went out on my ’71 Sedan deVille and I rode in the cab of the AAA-sourced tow rig on the way back to my place. When we arrived, the driver said he used go by my house on the way to school and “the previous owner” had really been into old Mercedes, must have had five different ones, and drove them all the time.
I let him know it was actually seven old Mercedes, that I was that “previous owner” and had a Mercedes-phase of sorts that started out experimenting with a car converted to run on cooking oil, but then morphed into just enjoying vintage Benzes.
Since that encounter I’ve had a few others indicating that there are quite a few more people in town who know me, or at least my place, than I actually know.
Yup BTDT. My light blue ’64 F100 coach-built crewcab has been parked on my driveway next to a major road in our area. Folks use it as a landmark. My neighbors use it as a marker where to turn for their driveway. When I park just about anywhere, folks approach me about the truck as they then can connect with me by knowing my truck.
You meet the nicest people in a shitbox.
That would make some good Autopian merch.
To add data to your diagnosis, the starter and coil are two of the few things I have replaced on my 1995 F-150. So you’re likely right. Also check the distributor rotor, I replaced that after the truck started stalling.
That is not the diagnosis I expected you to support.
Why is that?
“It will likely take months, maybe longer, for me to be able to convince anyone to trust my truck again, but, true to my idiot diagnosis, I will not quit.”
Most stewards of vast hectares keep their equipment in good nick. The real concern is risking Otto turning into one of those people that leases a brand new vehicle every two years.
This. There is serious risk that Otto’s repeated participation in all of these, um, “endeavors” is going to have the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of it making him a car person, it might just turn him into the kind of person that grows sick of being surrounded by vehicles that constantly break down on him, and he’ll swing in the opposite direction, purposely avoiding cars that offer even a whiff of what some people here euphemistically call “personality.”
It’s almost assumed the son will set off in a different direction from upbringing. My dad had newish cars when I was young, then several actual new cars. He did know, and taught me how to hone brake cylinders, and I loved him for that. Me? I’ll never buy new.
I remember back in college when about halfway through a 600 mile trip back home in my 72 Cutlass when a blade broke off the 6-month-old cooling fan and sliced through my 9-month-old radiator. On a Sunday in the middle of nowhere PA. Plenty of 25 year old parts could have failed, but the new stuff did me in.
Fortunately not the same tow truck driver that let the NYC cab roll into a tree.
Thanks for this article, Torch! Now I can point at it and tell my family, “See? My 92 F-250 isn’t so bad now, is it?”
It’s only been towed twice, once with my dog, but otherwise no family involved. First time due to a failing alternator. Second time a year later when the replacement aftermarket alternator inexplicably lost the nut holding the pulley on and it threw the belt.
The Ford Truck of Theseus: If you replace all of the parts, will your family and friends trust it?
At this point? Fuck, no.
Developing a personal relationship with your tow truck driver is practically a rite of passage for British car ownership. My record is 5 flatbeds with the same guy in 2 years. Then a few years later my GMC got towed off the thruway and the guy recognized my house after towing my mom from Rochester to back home. He got a pretty good tip off that one.
When the tow truck driver remembers you, do you have a problem, or a new expensive friend? Also, what happened with the bookcase?
I NEED bookcase closure as well.
We went back and got the bookcase in the Outback!
You went back out with the Outback?
Jason, there are plenty of shitboxes on the road in NC. Why is this thing not registered? I have enough bad experiences with people driving unregistered trucks on the road that I really don’t want to re-up my membership to support another one.
okay okay I’ll get it registered. It’s insured and everything else, though!
Looking forward to the “I finally registered my truck” Cold Start!
You don’t even have to worry about inspection! Just the fees and property tax, which is a couple percentage points of the vehicle’s value. Need to borrow a quarter?
Yup. You and David need to stop these registration scams and help fix the potholes.
To be fair, Jason, you a a very memorable person in every respect – looks, personality, fetishes. It’s no surprise someone would remember encountering you previously.
you’re a peach!