I’m not really sure that responding to a column from a British newspaper by a writer that I suspect may not be one most of our readers are familiar with is the best use of my time, but this is one of those occasions where I think I actually have a viable, real solution to the problem posed by the columnist. And it’s a fun solution that reflects some of the core values of this very website, so I feel sort of morally obligated to weigh in. So let’s get into it.
The column in question is this one, where Ms.Rumbelow not only laments about how slow driving is in the UK, but also waxes nostalgic for some kind of condiment that sounds like nostalgic wax, and explores how women are generally not called “losers.” There’s something for everybody in there.
Anyway, the part I’m interested in is the bit where she complains about how driving is too slow, which makes driving not cool anymore, according to her. From the column:
“For something to be sexy it has to risk death, at least in theory. This is why the slowdown is both an excellent idea and the biggest turn-off to cars since Alan Partridge’s driving gloves. These latest speeding cases reveal celebrities pottering about their domestic business, commuting, visiting their arthritic mothers, hardly the ever more desperate and fatal fantasies of the car adverts’ top speeds and mountain passes. Without the wind in one’s hair, Mr Toad, James Dean and Thelma and Louise may as well take the bus.”
Thelma and Louise take the bus! And other silliness…. pic.twitter.com/jpiU6QpWcL
— Helen Rumbelow (@HelenRumbelow) April 13, 2026
Okay, so the reason I’m so excited to respond is that, really, there has never been a more solvable problem in the entire history of motoring! Look what she’s complaining about: loss of risk of death, driving feels too slow, no wind in your hair. All of these can be solved, and solved incredibly well, with the application of something quintessentially British: a Bugeye Sprite.
Actually, it doesn’t even have a Bugeye Sprite; it could be a MkII sprite or an MGB or a Triumph Spitfire or an old classic Mini or an Austin-Healey 3000 or any number of old, tiny, low-powered classic British sports cars and roadsters.
You want to simultaneously risk death, feel the wind in your hair, and feel like you’re speeding without breaking any speed limit laws, all at once? Then, Helen, my Sister in Chrome, boy are you in luck. Any number of old British sports cars will do all of these things, and look fantastic doing it. The aforementioned Bugeye Sprite, for example, makes well under 50 hp but since you’re essentially in a tiny motorized bathtub about a smurf’s height off the road, even 32 mph feels like 112.
And danger? You want the sexy thrill of mortal peril? Oh, girl, are you in for a treat! Almost any modern SUV could run over a Sprite and crush it into something that would count as architecture in Flatland without the driver even spilling their matcha. And, unlike speeding in a modern car, the kind of danger that a tiny roadster like an MG provides is all inward-facing. That means yes, there’s danger, but it’s mostly just to the person driving, not the people around you who may have not expressed such a lust for peril. I absolutely believe in the right to put one’s self in danger while driving, just not anybody else. This is something I practice myself, and stand by its questionable joys.
There’s so very many good and affordable options that can solve this problem, completely. I get that people are bored with modern driving! I get that you may want to speed in your modern, hermetically-sealed Land Rover or Infiniti or whatever climate-controlled behemoth you guide through the streets!
Everything has so much power now that it’s impossible to not feel like you’re holding back, with that unpleasant paused-in-mid-urine-stream feeling that comes from never getting to push a throttle pedal down more than 1/8″. Of course it’s maddening!
But when you’re behind the wheel of a 1600-lb tiny car with all of 50 hp on tap, you’re going flat out everywhere you go! A trip to the long-term records storage facility suddenly becomes thrilling! You’ll show up at your podiatrist or ornithologist or orthodontist shaking from the excitement of merging onto the M5 or whatever they call the freeways over on that island.
Look, I get it. I hate being bored, I hate being bored behind the wheel. But I’m here to turn on some flickery Lucas Electric headlamps rather than curse your darkness, and that’s why I’m so delighted that, for once, this is a solvable problem.
Ms. Rumbelow, you don’t need to take the bus. I mean, you can if you’d like, but you don’t have to. You also don’t have to speed in your modern car, because that solves nothing and just makes trouble for you and maybe could be a needless risk to others. Besides, that’s boring. You just need to find yourself some fantastic little Spitfire or MG, something you can really throw around and ideally with less than 100 hp.
Then, when it comes time to drive anywhere, just wring that little bastard out as much as you’d like, and feel the grin crawl across your face as your hair whips around and that little motor screams.
See? Problem solved. You’re welcome.
Also, I don’t think Mr.Toad had hair.
Top photo: The Times, Sunny Side Classics
There are lots of tracks in the UK where the nice lady can go have fun in any (non-suv) car of her choosing at any speed she is comfortable carrying
“I’m not driving a Bugeye Sprite, Lynn.”
“No, no, it’s different. It’s called a MG Midget now.”
“They’ve rebadged it you fool!”
Back in the day, 1965-1966 I daily drove a Bugeye Sprite, and it was more fun than the law allowed. It also was fragile and, like other cars of its era, braking was not so great by modern standards.
Later, I moved up to a Mark III (purchased new) and enjoyed the thrill of massive power (59 HP, IIRC).
The Bugeye didn’t seem excessively slow to me as I had moved up to it from a 36 HP Beetle. It was definitely quicker than the King Midget (12 HP) I daily drove a few years later.
Back in my time, I read that Brits referred to the Mk I Sprite as the “Frogeye” model. Ms. Rumbelow might be more familiar with that name.
It also maybe that she is one of those sybarites who insist on unnecessary luxuries like roll-up windows and a top that takes less time to put up or take down than it does to drive on most of the trips you take in the car.
This is why I’m probably “downgrading” from a BRZ to a Miata soon.
#TwoWheelsGood is another viable answer to all her problems.