You may recall that about a week ago, we announced a technological innovation that – and I say this without a trace of hyperbole – will change the progress of humankind forever. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that a whole new age of humankind will be defined by this achievement. I suspect soon we’ll be talking about the Stone Age, Neolithic Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Industrial Age, Information Age, and now, yes, the Stain-O-Flage age. I don’t think I’m overstating things.
In case you need a reminder, somehow, I’m happy to explain what Stain-O-Flage is. I mean, you’ve likely already heard about it on the news, from relatives and clients, on billboards, on banners trailing from airplanes, illuminated on the flanks of blimps, zeppelins, and dirigibles, sung about in impromptu choirs, and so on. But let’s just pretend that, somehow, you’re still sadly ignorant of this incredible milestone in the human experience.
Essentially, Stain-O-Flage is Autopian Lab’s first attempt to produce a genuinely stain-hiding shirt. Most authorities said it couldn’t be done. In fact, a council of religious leaders from over 127 denominations and sects issued a joint prohibition demanding that this shirt not be released unto the world. Thankfully, we did not listen.
Using stain-hiding technology forged in the crucibles of theater, casino, and bowling alley carpet design, Autopian Lab technicians, robots, and cybernetically-augmented ferrets have developed what we believe to be the most stain-tolerant garment crafted by human hands.
But! Do we know this for certain? Remember this is only Stain-O-Flage Mk.1, and while there has been extensive testing, what really matters is the shirt’s performance in the field, and that’s where you come in.
To really test Stain-O-Flage’s stain-tolerance, we’re announcing a contest: who can subject the Stain-O-Flage shirt to the most horrific stain or combination of stains, and have it come out looking, well, pretty much okay?
Now, to do this, the stains must me documented to the best of your ability, so we know what we’re dealing with here. The staining elements must be noted and recorded, and, ideally, the staining incident itself will be photographed. After the stain or series of stains occurs, one (1) machine wash is permitted, then the Stain-O-Flage shirt must be photographed to show the results of the stain attempt.
Anything goes here! Motor oils of any viscosity, paints, organic matter, bodily fluids, sauces, soups, chowders, compotes, gumbos, relishes, caustic sealants, you name it[Ed note: Please, just be safe! – MH]! The bolder and more alarming the staining agents are, the better! We’re here to really put these things to the test!
The winner of the 1th Stain-O-Flage Stain Contest will win a Mk.2 Stain-O-Flage shirt (when available) and will also get a staggering $50 off a new Autopian Membership or renewal!
Wow! You’d be a fool not to try! You’ll need a Stain-O-Flage shirt to participate, so get yours here if you don’t already have one!
To enter, send all photographic and textual evidence of your stain in an email to tips@autopian.com, with the subject line STAIN CONTEST. Entries must be in by November 15! Good luck and happy staining!
I still would like to see how it holds up to battery acid.