You may recall that about a week ago, we announced a technological innovation that – and I say this without a trace of hyperbole – will change the progress of humankind forever. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that a whole new age of humankind will be defined by this achievement. I suspect soon we’ll be talking about the Stone Age, Neolithic Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Industrial Age, Information Age, and now, yes, the Stain-O-Flage age. I don’t think I’m overstating things.
In case you need a reminder, somehow, I’m happy to explain what Stain-O-Flage is. I mean, you’ve likely already heard about it on the news, from relatives and clients, on billboards, on banners trailing from airplanes, illuminated on the flanks of blimps, zeppelins, and dirigibles, sung about in impromptu choirs, and so on. But let’s just pretend that, somehow, you’re still sadly ignorant of this incredible milestone in the human experience.
Essentially, Stain-O-Flage is Autopian Lab’s first attempt to produce a genuinely stain-hiding shirt. Most authorities said it couldn’t be done. In fact, a council of religious leaders from over 127 denominations and sects issued a joint prohibition demanding that this shirt not be released unto the world. Thankfully, we did not listen.
Using stain-hiding technology forged in the crucibles of theater, casino, and bowling alley carpet design, Autopian Lab technicians, robots, and cybernetically-augmented ferrets have developed what we believe to be the most stain-tolerant garment crafted by human hands.
But! Do we know this for certain? Remember this is only Stain-O-Flage Mk.1, and while there has been extensive testing, what really matters is the shirt’s performance in the field, and that’s where you come in.
To really test Stain-O-Flage’s stain-tolerance, we’re announcing a contest: who can subject the Stain-O-Flage shirt to the most horrific stain or combination of stains, and have it come out looking, well, pretty much okay?
Now, to do this, the stains must me documented to the best of your ability, so we know what we’re dealing with here. The staining elements must be noted and recorded, and, ideally, the staining incident itself will be photographed. After the stain or series of stains occurs, one (1) machine wash is permitted, then the Stain-O-Flage shirt must be photographed to show the results of the stain attempt.
Anything goes here! Motor oils of any viscosity, paints, organic matter, bodily fluids, sauces, soups, chowders, compotes, gumbos, relishes, caustic sealants, you name it[Ed note: Please, just be safe! – MH]! The bolder and more alarming the staining agents are, the better! We’re here to really put these things to the test!
The winner of the 1th Stain-O-Flage Stain Contest will win a Mk.2 Stain-O-Flage shirt (when available) and will also get a staggering $50 off a new Autopian Membership or renewal!
Wow! You’d be a fool not to try! You’ll need a Stain-O-Flage shirt to participate, so get yours here if you don’t already have one!
To enter, send all photographic and textual evidence of your stain in an email to tips@autopian.com, with the subject line STAIN CONTEST. Entries must be in by November 15! Good luck and happy staining!
So, what’s it printed with? Yeah, that stuff.
Wouldn’t Stain-O-Flage Mark Zero be a better name?Then the cost-reduced version that is almost unmarked by stains would be the Mark One
I ordered one for me and one for my son. We could have used them last night. There is currently a 2005 Corvette with the entire driveline removed since the slave cylinder bearing died.
But last night’s task in our other bay was “simple”. Imagine you *only* have to do an oil change and dipstick tube replacement. On a 2000 VW Jetta 1.8t, the German plastic dip stick tube crumbles to bits. The replacement part was $1.52 thanks to FCP Euro. But after removing a ton of crap to get access to it, the devilish plastic broke away but left the inner ring remaining on the inside top part of the steel tube that leads directly into the oil pan. Naturally, upon reading, you find people had those bits clog their oil pickup and starve their turbo and motor. So we gently inserted a tapered punch and found the solution: Drain the oil, use air pressure from our compressor to blow out of the tube and then carefully flick the plastic bits out and away from the tube. Dropping the pan would have been a nightmare and might have totally screwed up the car since some of the 20 bolts to remove pan are rusted to death thanks to New England.
We were both covered in grime and could have used those shirts as a great trial run. Next we have to re-assemble my son’s Corvette.
“Drain the oil, use air pressure from our compressor to blow out of the tube “
I see a main bearing seal in your future, or something that was not designed anticipating that sort of pressure.
it was not super high pressure, and since it was almost a direct path from the drain plug hole to the dipstick tube, I hope it works out.
It’s pretty high pressure compared with what it was designed for, and pressure without flow will be equally distributed so if something else is weaker it will fail first.
I would go to the hardware store and peruse the wall anchor selection for something that could fit in the dipstick tube grab hold and pull it out,
The fragment of plastic dip stick tube remaining inside the metal tube was held in place by a tapered punch we gently inserted. As I lifted it up, the air and some careful nudging got the bits to fall up and out. Hopefully it didn’t blow a seal and bits are not inside clogging the oil pickup tube. It’s our 1 owner family Jetta purchased by my late mother. After 26 years and 140,000 miles, if the motor goes, we can replace it. It would out-value the car, but would be way cheaper then modern crap.
Coal tar, black carbon pitch and creosote are forever. Game over.
I also once worked around strong peroxides that would bleach anything white (or dissolve). I’ve also been around high concentrations of acids (including HF).
I bought 2 for around the house wrenching.
This is gonna play out like the “show us your can” 7-up commercials
I wanna see it…
Challenge accepted! I intend to wear my shirt to work, and if it looks nice enough I might even indulge in a bathroom mirror selfie.
Many years ago, I knelt on the floor of our assembly/testing area while photographing some equipment, not thinking about what might happen to my L.L.Bean corduroys. It turns out that Dawn dish detergent whipped into a nice, fluffy foam does an excellent job of removing diesel/oil residue from nice pants.
Great! Now can you do something about the odors?
Wait, serious question:
Is it required that it come out looking okay? That’s not really up to us!
If it looks anything other than okay, they failed. They want you to find something their exhaustive R&D didn’t, so Mark II can be designed to that standard.
I’m mostly concerned I’m about to destroy a very expensive shirt and am gambling on getting another to replace it. The things I have in mind will not be gentle to it. Believe me, I get the importance of testing and iteration.
Through my job I have access to things that will permanently stain ANYTHING. I’m talking stuff that needs sandblasted off of stainless steel sheet to remove.
So you’re asking me to destroy what would be my most expensive shirt, eh? hmm
Attempt to deface. And if the shirt works, no harm!
I think worst-case scenario: they’re expecting people to buy it, try to stain it, realize it looks pretty much the same, and submit nothing.
Best-case scenario: they sell a bunch AND get more content to share.
Win-win!
Does this mean they are going to actually ship soon?
My problem is I don’t wear stained shirts. I wear custom designs by Oi’l
Alright—how many people are going to send in photos of their pets shitting all over these
Ohhhhh man, I can’t wait to see what this does again automotive body sealer.
If only Monica Lewinsky could have had her encounter in the Stain-o-flage age. That poor girl.
Did this go through the standard OEM fluid exposure specs? Better check IHS for the latest versions.
Top Tip:
Turn all of your T-shirts into stain hiding tees for free!
Stains magically disappear as soon as you put the shirt on after maintenance tasks are performed in the nude.
like one of those water transfer videos
I have to ask a technical question:
Is it correct to call this innovation “Stain-O-Flage”? Because your render of the shirt, with badging on the lower left side (right side in the image) clearly refers to this as “STAINOFLOUGE” so what’s up?
It’s funny you ask, because when they did the early member feedback I pointed out a need to fix the spelling. IIRC they had “stain-o-flauge” instead of the more accurate “stauin-o-flage.”
Minor amendment to my comment from some wild hour in the middle of the night: “stain-ou-flage”
oy.
stain-oy-flage?
Whenever you notice something like that…a wizard did it.
I, for one, certainly hope no one got fired for that blunder.
(Cue the jackass theme)
Im David Tracy, and this is the motor lube slip n slide!
Stained and deliver!
I still would like to see how it holds up to battery acid.
That’s a lot to ask for a friggin $50 shirt, but I happen to need sulfuric acid anyway so I’ll see what I can do.
If the material is gone, is it stained?
Holy Shirt, Batman!
It should hold up, actually, since it’s polyester.
Based on our uniforms at Canadian Tire in the early 2000s which had cotton shirts with polyester pants, the shirts got demolished regularly by random battery acid spills while stocking/filling motorcycle batteries. The pants were uncomfortable, but nearly indestructible.
I used to think that was common gear head knowledge, but I’ve seen a lot of just what you described over the years working for various shops, even with knowledgeable people I would have expected to know. Especially with jeans.
I wore Dickies work pants working in auto parts for 12 years. Never once got a chemical hole in them (mostly Poly fabric). Sometimes one brush of the battery rack would be enough to leave damage on jeans.