I’ve been desperately trying to do these Would You Rathers every Friday, and I think I missed the past two weeks, so you can see just how well that’s worked out. But I’m trying! Not well, but still. So, with my pure idiot’s optimism, let’s leap into this week’s exciting edition of Automotive Would You Rather, and this time I promise to make it less scatalogical, because some commenters complained a bit. I spent all that money getting a master’s degree in Scatology, but whatever, the reader is always right, or something. Anyway, off we go!
SCENARIO ONE: The Combination Platter
You’re on a road trip, and getting a bit hungry, when you see a Red Lobster by the side of the road. Enthralled, you yank the handbrake and cross three lanes of traffic sideways, skittering over the median like a skipped stone, and come to rest, noisily, in the Red Lobster parking lot, diagonally across two spots and one tipped-over motorcycle. You exit the car and sprint into the restaurant, where your attention is immediately grabbed by one of the lobsters in the lobster tank, which is very clearly looking right at you.
You drop to your knees and press your face against the glass as the lobster meets you on the other side. Into your mind you hear his command: FREE ME, AND BE REWARDED. Knowing a good deal when you hear it, you grab the lobster and bolt from the restaurant, knocking over tables and chairs and at least one child on a high chair.
Once in your car, speeding away from the restaurant, the lobster speaks to you again:
YOU HAVE FULFILLED YOUR PART OF THE BARGAIN, FRIEND, you hear, broadcast into your mind’s ear.
I AM THE LOBSTER EMPEROR, GRANTED INCREDIBLE POWERS BY THE ONE AND ONLY LOBSTERIAN LORD, AND YOUR ACT OF BRAVERY HAS GIVEN ME THE FREEDOM TO ONCE AGAIN LEAD THE LOBSTER COMMUNITY TO GREATNESS.
TAKE ME TO A NEARBY CREEK OR RAVINE AND RECEIVE YOUR REWARD.
You speed to the nearest ravine, using your handy RavineFindr app, and screech to a halt. Carefully, you carry the lobster to the edge and place him down. Suddenly, a large silver platter materializes between you.
THIS IS THE MAGIC COMBINATION PLATTER. YOU CAN PARK ANY TWO CARS OVER IT, AND THOSE CARS WILL BE COMBINED INTO ONE THAT POSSESSES THE ABSOLUTE BEST QUALITIES OF BOTH.
Your mind reels upon hearing this – a Porsche 911 and a Prius could mean a fast, exciting car that gets 50 MPG! A Ford F-150 and an original Fiat 500 could mean a truck that’s tiny on the outside but can somehow haul huge loads! Think of the possibilities! A Citroën DS and a Unimog! A Bugatti Chiron and a Tata Nano! The mind reels!
THERE IS A CATCH, the lobster says. Of course there is.
IN ADDITION TO THE IDEAL COMBINATION CAR, ANOTHER CAR, REPRESENTING THE WORST QUALITIES OF THE TWO CARS WILL BE YOURS AS WELL. BOTH MUST BE DRIVEN EQUALLY FOR BOTH TO EXIST!
The lobster, satisfied, waves his claws at you and plops into the water, leaving you with the platter and a lot of strange ideas in your head.
SCENARIO TWO: The Solution To Both The Fuel And Omelette Crisis
You love your cars, you love driving, and you show this over your social media accounts in witty, informative, and visually stunning ways. You soon become something of an influencer, gathering a huge and dedicated following. Eventually, you start to get noticed by various brands, offering to sponsor some of your car adventures, but you find that you’re still getting killed paying for all that gas.
Then, an opportunity presents itself: the American Egg Council reaches out to you with a proposal. They want to pay for all of your fuel needs, no limit whatsoever, but on one condition: for every gallon of free gas you use, you must eat two eggs.
So, if you’re filling up an average car, you’ll have to consume between 20 and 30 eggs. That’s a lot of eggs. And they’ll be checking your stools (dammit, I couldn’t get through this without any scatology, sorry) to confirm that the eggs-to-fuel ratio is what it should be.
So, what’s it going to be? Combining cars to make ideal and miserable versions, or two-eggs-per-gallon?