For years, automotive brochure historians have been seeking out an elusive, long-rumored quarry. Something mentioned and discussed in hushed, reverent tones, something that, statistically, everyone knew must exist, but no one has ever managed to actually prove it. Well, I’m delighted to tell you that I believe that I have finally found this long sought-after bit of automotive literature:
The boredest kid in any car brochure.
Sure, there have been plenty of kids in car brochures that look like they don’t really care or are struggling with a bout of ennui or perhaps are disinterested. All of those have their place, but can any of those match the weapons-grade boredom of this kid in a 1971 Mercury Montego brochure?
I don’t think so. I mean, look at him:
That kid is over it. Over everything, forever. However long he’s been in that field in that sweater with that car doing that shoot, it’s too damn long, and he is done. He can’t even fake a smile anymore. His eyes are delivering twin beams of contempt, fatigue, resignation, and blankness, and it’s devastating.
Good work, kid. You did it.
It’s sort of a shame, because that ’71 Montego there is kind of cool. These were Mercury’s badge-engineered version of the Torino, but it had some interesting and very ’70s styling cues, especially that prominent, pointed prow of the grille.
I also was going to comment about how novel and interesting the body-colored trim around the headlamp surrounds and inner grille area was on these, based on this picture:
…but then I looked at other pictures of the car and realized that those areas aren’t a matching body-color blue, they’re gray, and they’re the same on all the cars regardless of color:
It would have been pretty cool if they were color-matched, though. Also notable is how much the lack of a B-pillar adds to these cars. I’d like to see more hardtop designs like this today.
That grille is so prominent and beak-like, I wonder if that’s why they chose to feature a falconer in the brochure:
In addition to having the Boredest Child in Automotive Literature, this brochure may also have the Most Irritated and Confused Looking Falconer in Automotive Literature, a potent one-two punch of superlatives.
That guy has the perfect look of someone looking at a distant parking lot and wondering what the fuck some dude is doing by his car.
There’s also Slickworth McAscot here, rocking the Cyclone GT version of the Montego. I’ve written about these before, as these were pretty cool alternatives to a Mustang if you wanted the same massive 429 V8 Cobra Jet engine but in a slightly classier package and with a big gunsight-like thing on the center of your grille.
The Cyclone version also had a more exciting dashboard than the regular Montego:
See all those extra gauges on the top of the dash, extending way the hell out to the passenger side? The regular Montego didn’t have that:
I wonder how well you could actually see those gauges on the Cyclone? That ammeter is pretty far away.
Regardless, I feel good that the Boredest Child has finally been located. Please come to see my full talk about the Boredest Child and the search for them at the best automotive lit bar, the Brochure Thing in San Chlamydia, just west of Fresno.
I’d rather have bored kid than those rich pedo / vulnerable child setups Imperial was so fond of in the 70s, until a mob rose up and killed the brand. For the time being …
I agree on the four door hardtops, and it’s always puzzled me why Chrysler didn’t port over the B-Body four-door hardtop to the ’65 Belvedere and Coronet, since it was already tooled, and they would have beaten GM to market by a year and Ford by several. I do shudder to think what Elwood Engel would have cooked up for the boxy ’66-7 refresh in that department, though.
But it’s also puzzled me why they didn’t bite the bullet and launch a Chrysler intermediate in ’65 also. What price Chrysler Coronado? C’mon, no one knew about those export stretched Plymouths under the same name. At least not over here. And intermediates would become Chrysler’s bread and butter, and the ‘No small Chryslers” refrain bought them little and cost them much as the 70s rolled in.
One of my uncles was the proud owner of a ’71 Montego when I was nine years old. It was a cool car.
I had a Cyclone GT of that vintage. My first American car after owning air cooled VW’s. The Cyclone had heat! The 351 Cleveland was an awesome powerplant. The car also had the rim-blow horn button.
Those optional gauges were pretty cool (and easy to view). They were angled toward the driver; the front seat passenger was not able to see them.
That falconer is actually RFK Jr contemplating a bonkers prediction from a roadside gypsy about the year of our lord, 2025.
This did bring back memories of a wild set of wheels my dad wound up with as his company car the year after this one. Only it was a 1972 Cougar which, it seems, was somewhat more luxurious than the Montego.
Mostly, because Pop didn’t like being told to buckle up, I remember being a hero because I figured out how to disconnect the seat belt sensor’s wiring harness. (yeah, I just reached underneath and found a simple plastic connector, but he hadn’t thought to try that.)
I’d feel kinda shitty if there’d been any bad consequence as a result, but I dodged that bullet and he lived to be a few days shy of 90.
Man, does this make me feel old. I saw the top shot and mentally said “Montego.” And I had that exact tennis sweater back then.
I imagine the 429 version was quite a handful. Especially on wet pavement.
Boredest? That’s the worstest excuse for a word.
It’s not as bad as growing up though.
I understand that growing up is awfuller, than all the awful things that ever were.
Mercury should have color matched those headlight inserts as that looks good. Easily worth 10s of more sales.
I always like some body-color segments in the grille area. The ’67 Imperial and the ’72-’73 Monaco are two of my favorites. Ford must have locked in a lifetime supply of grey argent pigment. They slapped that stuff on everything in the 60s and early 70s.
The poor kid! It’s his dad’s weekend, but Slickster Sr. decided to take his new girlfriend to Lake Geneva for the weekend instead and show off his new Cyclone hardtop, so he’s stuck with his mom, her loser boss that she’s been dating, and his annoying kid. Falconer’s concerned about his car (it was the era of “lock your car and take your keys” PSAs, after all), but otherwise he’s the only one who’s generally happy with his life, what with the prey his bird brings to him helping to stretch his food budget as post-Vietnam inflation kicks in.
“the Brochure Thing in San Chlamydia, just west of Fresno.”
I’m already here dude, waiting at the clubhouse, and it’s pretty quiet on a Friday night.
Last week only Herb and Steve showed up, and with a dearth of new material we resorted to counting all the skin divers in the 62′ to 68′ Ford Ranchero ads before Herb had to go home to take his Zestril and Steve’s cat needed feeding, but it’s a 45 minute drive back to Merced and he was worried Capt’ Pike might chew on the Mandalorian collectables.
We did manage to sort all the 70’s Datsun ads into color, body type, and hubcap mounting style order, and laid them all out in exact chronological decent, before calling it a night.
There was a bit of a row over whether LED side marker lights are truly meeting FMVSS 245.87/b in spirit, if not intent, but once Herb started to wheeze we dialed it down.
I’m hoping Gene shows up tonight, he said he found a stash of Oldsmobile ads from 56′ to 65′ at 4th St Antiques in Old Town Clovis, but since he has his last stroke he doesn’t get out much.
You’re welcome anytime. Bring some Reagan era Caddy ads please.
And cheese dip
You’re thinking of…..a wall! Damn the children in this village.
A different read he wants to be riding in the wagon but Dad is clearly scoping out the baby sitter that he also has a crush on. But for a boredom challenge the Australian chap assistant to DT shown as an available clip for the umpteenth time looks pretty bored himself
That whole front fascia looks like a NES Excitebike race track laid on its side
You can blame Semon Emil “Bunkie” Knudsen for trying to make Ford and Mercury into Pontiac for that nose.
(aka: The Bunkie Beak)
(With a name like “Semon”, he’s lucky his Dad gave him the nickname he did…)
Semen?
That falconer belongs in an old spice ad. Like the box says now if your grandfather wasn’t wearing it you wouldn’t be here. I would have love to see where he put the falcon in the land yacht. Cage in trunk?