Good morning, and welcome to another fabulous episode of Shitbox Showdown! This week, we’re doing something special. While I’m never, ever going to offer a “neither” choice again after seventy percent of you chose it a couple weeks ago, this week I’m giving you another way out – if you’re brave enough to try it. Every day this week, there will be a third “mystery car” that I won’t reveal until the next day. At the end of the week, the four-way runoff will be among all the winners, including the mystery cars. Sound like fun?
Friday’s runoff was a solid win for the little Fiat 500, with the Ford pickup taking second place. A lot of you bemoaned the Fiat’s automatic transmission, but the consensus seemed to be that it would still be more fun than the Prius. Oh, and there was a Mazda crossover thing as well. Can’t forget that.
I tend to look at these choices in terms of which one would complement our existing vehicle stable, rather than replacing one of them, and in that regard, the Fiat is the best choice. It would get better mileage than anything else in our garage, and it would be a lot easier to park too.
Remember the TV game show Let’s Make A Deal? The basic gimmick of it, for those who don’t know, is that you could choose your prize: Will you take the Hawaiian vacation, the jet skis, or “what’s behind door number three?” Sometimes it was something even more fabulous than the other two prizes, and sometimes it was something ridiculous, like a live donkey. You just never knew. We’re going to try something similar here. We’ll discuss two cars, like always, but there will also be a third choice that I won’t reveal until tomorrow. All I will promise is that the mystery cars will, in fact, be cars.
1990 Pontiac Bonneville SSE – $2,900
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Marion, OH
Odometer reading: 51,000 miles
Operational status: “Runs and drives” is all it says
It didn’t seem like it at the time, and I remember hearing a lot of complaints from old-guard GM fans, but replacing the rear-wheel-drive B-body with the front-wheel-drive H-body was a bit of a stroke of genius. The H-body was lighter, more efficient, and honestly nicer than the old RWD car. Even better, it turned out to be a tank. These cars are possibly the best example of the whole GM “runs like crap forever” ethos. You don’t see as many Bonnevilles as you do Buick LeSabres, especially SSE models like this, which makes this one a little bit special.
The secret to this car’s success is the now-famous 3800 V6, which steadily improved over the years. This 1990 model makes 165 horsepower and will do so until the rest of the car rusts away from under it. The transmission is a Turbo-Hydramatic 440-T4, the precursor to the 4T60/4T60E, which holds up well as long as you keep clean fluid in it. This one only has 51,000 miles on it, which can be a blessing or a curse, depending on how much downtime there was in between those miles. All the seller says is that it runs and drives. One photo shows the dashboard with the ABS brake warning light illuminated, which is a bit worrisome. I seem to remember that the ABS module in some of these early ’90s GM cars is known to fail, and is either no longer available or ridiculously expensive.
The SSE is the top-of-the-line Bonneville, which means lots of buttons inside. The steering wheel center pad is a mass of buttons that control the sound system, with two small buttons on either side for the horn. I’ve always worried that if you aren’t familiar with the car, and someone cuts you off, you run the risk of blasting your stereo at them instead of honking. The interior is in good condition, but not great. For a sub-$3,000 car in this day and age, though, it’s pretty nice inside.
Outside, it looks pretty good, but since the SSE includes plastic cladding on the rocker panels that can hide rust, it’s worth looking underneath to make sure the metal is still sound. Also, it may be my imagination, but I think the rear is sitting a little low. The Bonneville SSE features self-leveling air suspension in the rear, and it can sometimes lose height when the engine is off. My old Coupe DeVille did the same thing, though it always did come right back up when the engine was started.
1994 Chrysler Concorde – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.3-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: New Lebanon, OH
Odometer reading: 165,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
After a dozen years of making basically the same car over and over again in different wrappers, Chrysler sought to wipe away all memories of the letter K with its new LH sedans. Sleek and aerodynamic instead of blocky and angular, these cars were a hit with critics and customers alike, and they made the old cars look positively ancient by comparison. This Chrysler Concorde is a second-year model, with a lot of small improvements like more power, and improved suspension and steering.
Two V6 engines were available: a pushrod 3.3-liter and an overhead-cam 3.5-liter. This one has the 3.3, which is rated at 161 horsepower. It’s mounted longitudinally, a design taken from the Renault-designed Eagle Premier that Chrysler inherited when it bought AMC. If nothing else, it eliminates most of the maintenance hassles found in a FWD car with a transverse V6 engine. We don’t get much useful information about this car; all the ad says is that it has been well-maintained and runs great.
One concession Chrysler did make to more traditional tastes is the availability of a split bench front seat and a column-mounted gear shift, and this car has that option. One other throwback that this particular car has is a CB radio. Does anybody besides truckers still use those? The interior looks like it has held up well over the years, and those seats look really comfy.
It looks really good outside, in a very ’90s shade of green. As with the Pontiac, the lower plastic cladding can hide rust, so look carefully under the rocker panels and along the bottom of the doors to make sure everything is in ship-shape. It looks like this car was garaged, so as long as they kept it clean, rust shouldn’t be much of an issue.
Mystery Car – $?
All I’ll tell you about today’s mystery car is that it is another domestic four-door sedan.
So, we have a doggedly reliable GM sedan that’s low mileage but a little rough around the edges, a Chrysler “cab-forward” sedan that looks to have been well-kept, and … something else. Are you dissatisfied enough with the other two choices to gamble on an unknown? Will I be really mean and choose something horrible, or give you an even better option? You’ll have to come back tomorrow to find out.
I am loving the basketweave wheels on both of these cars. I know they are a pain to keep clean, but at least they are interesting.
Voted for the Concorde. I had the Dodge version in the same colour and really liked the car. Very comfortable, handled well and great to drive. Might still have it if someone hadn’t made a left turn in front of me and totalled it.
I like the format, but the mystery option had better be a GTO at some point this week. Also, a compact Japanese/Italian car with a loud exhaust and superficial mods from the Bay Area would make a good consolation prize – it’s “the San Francisco treat”.
edit: Oh, and went for the Chrysler, I’ll take my 3800 in some other form.
The Chrysler is a beautiful green color we need colorful cars on the road today. It’s also cheaper. Maintain that delicate transmission properly and it should be fine.
The Pontiac probably has 300 buttons in it and I bet 200 of them don’t work. Also, only 51K miles in 36 years? That’s a problem. Concorde for me.
I don’t know enough about this game yet but I’ll guess the mystery car will be a 1990-something Ford Taurus.
I was all set to vote for the Bonneville, until you said it has an ABS problem. I have experience with these old ABS systems, and let me tell you shit’s fucked yo! My first car, an ’89 Oldsmobile Trofeo, had this system. Even 25 years ago nobody could fix it.
Big deal, you say. Live without ABS, you say.
Well, this system has a special party trick. When it fails, you don’t just lose ABS. You lose about 85% of your braking power. Yeah, that was FUN! Because of that system, my Olds got junked with a mere 103k miles on it. That 3800 was barely broken in. It was a damn shame.
I have no interest in a cloud car, so fuck it lets see the donkey behind door #3!
Taking the Mopar, IMMEDIATELY changing the oil pump, and rolling for ten more years.
I already have a somewhat newer version of that Bonneville with my 2004 Impala. And it will indeed run forever until it’s reduced to a pile of rust…
It makes me smile to see the V6 mounted that way in the Concorde. Girlfriend had an Eagle Vision back in the 90s and it was a great car.
I’m worried the mystery vehicle is something David Tracy used to own…
Those early ABS systems are unfixable, and you lose most of your braking force when they fail. Been there, done that, had to junk the car. It’s a shame. If it had regular brakes, I’d be all about it.
50k miles on a 3800? That Bonnie has a long way to go until it’s ready for the junkyard. Neither of these are really exciting, but I’d wager better than most SBSD losers, so the mystery gamble probably isn’t worth it, assuming its roughly on par with these prices. The Concorde is in really great shape, but I don’t think I’d trust 165k on the 3.3 and 4spd.
The SSE is one of my most favoritest of GM sedans so that wins automatically. I’m currently thinning out the herd so I can’t justify this one, but it’d be a real contender for me to actually purchase.
Don’t buy ANYTHING with that early GM ABS system. It was unfixable 25 years ago when it sent my Olds Trofeo to an early grave, and it’s even more unfixable now.
One of these is an actual shitbox, and the other is merely a well-maintained older car for not much money.
I picked the mystery vehicle!
They Chrysler looks like a Pontiac and the Pontiac looks like a Chrysler
Having already dealt with a 90’s GM car with ABS issues (be careful bleeding the system, folks), I’ll take the Chrysler. The only thing holding me back from the mystery door is price; I assume it’s somewhere close to these two, but without knowing it’s too much to pass on a running car for $2,500 (even if it is 10 years older than my current $2,500 car).
People do not understand how problematic that system was. I’ll never touch another car with it.
It’s a shame, because I really did those Bonnevilles.
I’ll spin the wheel Mark!
A Concorde is a Concorde, but a mystery car could be anything. It could even be a Concorde! You know how much we’ve wanted of those.
That Bonnie is almost exactly what I had in college! Drove the hell out of that car. Only difference between mine and that one is the wheels. Totally gets my nostalgia vote because I drove that thing coast to coast over 5 years for vacations, daily drove it, and abused it far more than I want to admit. 3800 is unkillable.
I chose Mystery Car because neither of these are very exciting to me. I like the looks of the Bonneville, but it’s too rough and the ABS light is scary.
I like the LHs. They’re Chrysler at its ’90s peak, just before ze Germans ruined everything. A very different, forward-looking company than what we ended up with. Went with the Chrysler, which I’d be perfectly happy with, even if Door 3 is a Pontiac G8.
With these types of Showdowns I try to determine what I would need the type of car for. With these, it would be reliable transportation for one of my kids. With that in mind, I can’t choose a car with an ABS issue or an unknown, so Chrysler it is today.
I’m going mystery car, betting it’s a 90s Taurus/Sable or less likely, a Contour/Mystique.
Both of these cars break rule #1: Never buy a car from the rust belt.
Let’s see what is behind door #3….
Neither of these cars appeals to me; I already have a sedan. If I needed one, I’d probably go with the Chrysler because it appears to have been maintained better than the Pontiac. The CB is a nice touch for all those occasions when you’re part of a Convoy and Rubber Duck needs a spotter up ahead. Anyway, I chose the mystery machine.