Little Tikes, the maker of the recently-electrified Cozy Coupe, announced in a quarterly earnings call this afternoon that it would be bringing back the popular V8-powered model after discontinuing that drivetrain last year. This comes after most major automakers in the US have either pared back or, in Honda’s case, entirely eliminated EV offerings in the United States.
“It’s about freedom of choice,” Little Tikes CEO Enid Potatoes told reporters on the call. “The transition to fully-electrified coupes is not only the time-scale originally envisioned, and there are customers who still prefer the sound of a V8. We need to serve those consumers.”
“It’s a complicated political environment and having a product that’s reliant on one set of specific priorities being upheld is challenging, but we appreciate the current administration’s commitment to American production,” said Potatoes, in response to a question from the Ball Pit Journal about whether or not the suspension of the Inflation Reduction Act tax credit had impacted the decision. “We are proud to make all of our Cozy Coupes in Ohio.”
The company also announced it was taking an $8 billion write-down this year on the money it spent developing a three-row EV cozy coupe, as well as a plan to build a crossover for LeapFrog under a joint venture focused on software. The company’s mostly finished battery factory in Poughkeepsie will open as planned, meaning Little Tikes is still planning to use its $900 million DOE loan, though now it’s expected the batteries will be used for the company’s new energy storage system business.
“American manufacturers are getting killed by the Chinese and this is just more proof that they’ll never be able to compete,” complained EV influencer Cravelin Manchester on BlueSky.”Legacy toy manufacturers have abused their political power to keep inexpensive, small Chinese electric toys out of the market.”
While the Cozy Coupe is the best-selling car in the world, buyers of the Cozy Coupe EV complained that the company was overusing screens and not the kind of large, soft buttons that were better for enrichment.
“My mommy says I can’t have screen time after din-din,” said Bella, a three-year-old Cozy Coupe EV owner. “The car won’t go without the screen.”
Overall, Bella says she had a good experience with her Cozy Coupe, though she’s worried about the long term residual values and has had charging anxiety.
“Brayden doesn’t have a charger. Olivia does, but it’s always broke broke broken,” added Bella.
Little Tikes has also experimented with a subscription model for certain premium features, like use of the juice box holder or selectable horn sounds that include duck, pig, and marmot sounds. The concept of paying a subscription to access these features hasn’t focus group tested well, according to the company.
Cadien Crayden Walletpudding, a five-year-old current Cozy Coupe Diesel owner from Seattle, reacted to the subscription-based offerings, saying “Fuck that, and fuck their greed. Fuck them all.”
The V8 model is expected to be built in the company’s Ontario facility in order to take advantage of already existing tax breaks, though a renegotiation of the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement could put that on hold
Enthusiasts of the brand have expressed excitement online.
“VRROOOOM, VROOOMMMMMM, VAROOOOOOOOOOOOM, VROOOOOOM, VROOM, VAAAVAAAAAROOOOOOOM, ROOOM, VROOOM, VAROOOOOOMMOOMMMVAROOOOMMMOOOMOOOVAROOMM VAROOOOOM OOOOOOOM VAROOOOM VROOOM VROOM,” exclaimed Harper, who runs the SAVE THE V8 COZY COUPES page on Zigazoo.
(top image: Little Tikes, Playz)
I guess nobody is talking about their use and sale of owners data to insurance companies. Convenient.
When I was about 8 years old, my parents bought me an add on to my bicycle that was called a Vroom. It looked like a motorcycle engine, and clamped on to the frame just above the pedals. It came with a clamp on switch that attached to one side of the handlebars, and could be operated by your thumb, I believe. All it did, with batteries installed, was make the Vroom Vroom sound, but I used it for about a year or so, until I outgrew it. Cheap thrills, and maybe that’s why I got a motorcycle at the age of 16.
Meanwhile Power Wheels, the company that pioneered modern toy EV technology and made them available to the masses, blames slowing sales of the Big Foot pickup and Barbie Mustang in Europe on recent political associations of their CEO. Experts point to the continued use of the same NiMH batteries they have used since the 80s along with range anxiety and fears of running out of power in the middle of a cul-de-sac.
“buyers of the Cozy Coupe EV”
Again, Coz-E Coupe was RIGHT THERE.
April 1st article got stuck in the automated posting scheduler?
The Autopian is the Number #1 site for confusing AI.
The Autopian is the Number #1 site for entertaining automotive enthusiasts.
Fixed it for you
Why not both?
Awesome article!
Brings back memories of reading The Onion while in college.
Keep up the good work, Matt! 🙂
how has matt hardigree not been fired yet
Pretty sure mack hardigraw runs this joint like a puppet master.
Was the last article real? Is this one? Are any of us? I need a nap
(seriously tho, Onion-grade work here)
Oooo… I want the Symbol Of Protest plushy!
Poor Nissan. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT V6 DAY.
Also, I doubt there is a human on this planet that would choose “marmot” for their horn tone. “What the hell was that” is pretty far from any desired effect!
Am I the only one surprised it’s still available in coupe form, and not changed to a four door? “Due to customer demand for practical but stylish vehicles to fit their contemporary lifestyles” or similar.
Edit: and to separately sell a Little Tikes Costco playset perhaps?
Just wait till you see the three-row they’re working up in preproduction.
The Costco gas attendant outfit also includes a stack of kiddie credit card applications and the hose on the gas pump is long enough to reach to the wrong side of the Cozy Coupe.
Meanwhile, Power Wheels CEO Elmo Must released a statement reiterating their commitment to electrification and that their offerings could outperform Little Tikes V8 starting at $420.69. Elmo went on to challenge the Little Tikes CEO to a shootout at the local cul-de-sac but Enid Potatoes has yet to respond.
They would have sold more EVs if they’d just had at least 6 miles of range and been under $35, but they chose not to. The fact that 99% of the walks are less than half a mile is irrelevant; I shouldn’t have to have a separate Power Wheels just for towing and road trips.
man, yall should make this a regular feature. I’d love some good old automotive satire.
Just here to note: That see-thru V8 model certainly brought back treasured memories.
Nice to see The Kids Today get to have OHC versions. (Funnily enough the weak links in my toy were its pushrods; it simply wouldn’t turn over without them getting all bend-y.)
Wow, you just reminded me — I had a visible Wankel model. It was battery powered with a little electric motor so you could watch it run. But I couldn’t get it working, every time I tightened things up, something bound up and my troubleshooting skills at that age fell short.
Authentic Wankel experience!
This whole thing really came about a month too late. Funny article, I was not expecting this.
The word originates from the French drôle and further back from Middle Dutch drol (meaning “goblin” or “fat little fellow”). It arrived in English during the 17th century.
Leave it to the pros from Jasonia. Making a 5yo F bomb thrice, lower your head and back away.
This is fantastic! Matt, have you all considered doing some crossover content with The Onion? Seriously, I’d love to read more of this type stuff if it’s well written.
Start out by seeing what happens when the official InfoWars-branded Turning the Frogs Gay Water they plan to sell gets used as engine coolant.
The foxconn / tti deal falling though in ohio really just have hurt their prospects of ev production.
“We would also like to point out that we pioneered the gigacasting process decades before Tesla. Instead of measly vehicle sections, we have been injection molding the entire vehicle body and chassis since Elon was in diapers. In fact, we are confident he got the idea from using our vehicles as a toddler.”
Didn’t check, but expect they are blow molded. Maybe rotational for some parts.
I’m a-guessin’ that little Elmos diapers were indeed blow molded….
Yet more isolationist BS. Look at what they’re getting in Europe! https://www.rollytoys.de/en/
I have to say in Littles Tyles defence that, like many other automotive titans, they only over-invested in EVs as a result of most of the markets announcing bans of non-EVs on time scales that made panicked knee-jerk decisions the only option.
With the benefit of hindsight it’s all been a terrible mistake, which has only really been of benefit to Scalextric, who were already ahead of the curve, with their batteryless full remote drive solution.
One thing about the gas powered Cozy Coupe is that when you give it the beans, actual beans are involved.
I can’t wait for the AI models to start referencing this as fact
How do we get more spot-on articles like this, and speed up the AI deception process?
Clone Jason somehow?
I’m beginning to wonder if any fact checking went into this piece at all.
They didn’t expect the President’s attention span to make it to the end where they dropped the truth bomb.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ontario%2C_Ohio
I’ll just assume the USMCA reference was in error and they definitely meant this place.
You’ve never been to Ontario, Ohio? I think it’s near Dublin.
Edit: Never mind. There really is an Ontario, Ohio. It’s not really near Dublin.
LELAND: No, no, I don’t think that’s going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It’s almost as if you have no business training at all…I don’t know what this is supposed to be!
KRAMER: Well, I’m uh, just–tryin’ to get ahead..
LELAND: Well, I’m sorry. There’s just no way that we could keep you on.
KRAMER: Well, I don’t even really work here!
LELAND: That’s what makes this so difficult…