Quarter-life crises and mid-life crises are for amateurs. After all, we live in the information age, where a little rectangle in your pocket will deliver all manner of bad ideas directly into your eyeballs. That’s why, today, we have two sports cars in such a shape that they could make your entire life a crisis, 24-fucking-7. How’s that for innovation? But first, let’s check in on yesterday’s matchup of Canadian oddities.
The weird facelifted Mark IV City Golf takes it with about 64 percent of the vote, and I’m surprised it’s even this close. Not only is that Acura awful, that Golf is actually so damn good that a reader legitimately bought it. More on that later. Anyway, today’s battle is a classic of romance, bloody romance. Nearly all of us have dreamt of sports cars, but if you’re on a shoestring budget, you might need to skin a knuckle or two to make that dream happen. Let’s meet our contenders, shall we?
Engine/drivetrain: 5.7-liter V8, four-speed automatic gearbox, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Sutton, Ontario, Canada
Odometer reading: 269,258 kilometers (167,309 miles).
Runs/drives? Hell yeah, brother.
Oh great, a questionable Corvette with ceasefire injection. Not so fast. The good news is that you won’t have to worry about the troublesome crossfire injection system because that’s been solved the old-fashioned way, with a carburetor. Still, this bad mamma jamma should put down roughly 205-ish heaving horsepower through a four-speed 4L60E slushbox. If you’re only going to be driving your C4 Corvette to Hooters and back, it’s the perfect transmission choice.
Alright, time to address the elephant in the room. Someone’s gone nuts with the Krylon, spraying this fiberglass wonder matte black at some point in its life. Frank Ocean declared that shit stale in 2016, but it’s certainly one way of covering up absolutely ruined clearcoat. In addition, the front wheels and the rear wheels are off of two different Camaros, although the seller claims that a matching set of four wheels is included in the sale. There’s no indication what sort of wheels they are, but I feel comfortable predicting that they probably aren’t from a shopping cart.
Does this Corvette need work? Hell yeah it does. The seller claims that the windshield is cracked, the driver’s window doesn’t work, one headlight needs a relay, the passenger door apparently has something wrong with it, the seats are ripped, and the power steering has a nifty automatic draining function. Look, if you want to be Dirk Diggler on a budget, don’t expect perfection.
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5-liter inline-four, five-speed manual transaxle, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Odometer reading: 215,000 kilometers (133,595 miles).
You knew this was coming. Look, Chevrolet and Porsche have been locked in a battle for sports car supremacy for decades, but that funny little engineering company from Stuttgart seems to be winning on the resale value front. Even the most rotten air-cooled 911 shell fetches more than $4,000 Canadian, so here’s a transaxle car from the 1980s instead. Remember when these were everywhere for dirt cheap?
This 944 allegedly received a low-mileage used motor last year because hey, things go bad sometimes. Still, at least the current owner’s allegedly done things properly, by throwing a fresh timing kit and water pump on the replacement motor. This 944 also claims to have a new fuel pump and a new fuel filter, which totally doesn’t suggest that it was dormant for quite a while.
So, what’s explicitly wrong with this 944? Well, as we can see from the photos, the driver’s seat is properly ripped and the paint is in what can only be described as a condition. Still, it’s a running, driving Porsche sports car for $4,000, and it doesn’t even have the engine from a Beetle or a van.
There we have it, two cheap sports cars that can give you a slice of the high life on a Miller High Life budget. Alright, maybe that’s optimistic, but what are sports cars if not optimistic? Sure, you might end up on the side of the road, but at least you’ll do it with some goddamn style. Anyway, choose wisely.
(Photo credits: Kijiji Autos sellers)
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