As anyone who has neglected feeding a fish for weeks at a time can tell you, all things must die. Eventually. That goes for cars, too, and this year the butcher’s bill is over 30 cars long, depending on whose list you happen to be reading. Whatever the exact number, it’s a lot of cars that will be driving across the Rainbow Road come next year, and it seems important for us to acknowledge these dead cars driving, and, more importantly, tell you precisely how much of a feces we give about these passings.
To grade how much we care about the demise of each car, we’ll be using the recognized international standard of how much one grieves the passing of something: by how much booze is decanted onto the ground from a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor. As you can imagine, more booze means more remorse, on a scale of zero to 40 ounces.
Okay, let’s get to this, we have a lot of these to work through, and, to be honest, it’s hard to care about a lot of these cars. I almost placed these in alphabetical order, but that’s not how these graphics populated the article when I imported them all in here, so I’ll just take this order as some sort of sign from the Almighty.
Oh, you know what else? For some of these – perhaps most– I may suggest a dead car that should be resurrected to replace it!
The Audi A7 bids adieu come 2026, and I think that’s worth just a bit over half the malt liquor bottle, mostly because I’m feeling more sympathetic to non-SUVs, and the A7 is something I like even more than a sedan: a five-door liftback. I’ll be sorry to see that go, even if I rarely encountered these cars and, as a result, have precious little personal connection to them.
What To Resurrect: Merkur Scorpio
I suppose I’m feeling a bit more nostalgia for the Legacy than some of these other cars, as I still recall the handsome 1989 Legacies of my youth. And, also, sedans are becoming so very rare; Subaru still has the WRX, but that’s it for them! So I’ll pour out over 3/4s of it!
What To Resurrect: The 1989 Subaru Legacy
Like every other company, Volvo is paring down their sedans. In fact, I don’t think they even have any sedans left for sale in America! There’s still the V60 Cross Country wagon, their lone remaining actual station wagon, as they hint at with how this category is listed on their website:
So sad. I’ll dump out 30 ounces for this one.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 262C Bertone
The S90 was Volvo’s fancy, rich-people sedan, and was killed primarily because of the hefty tariffs on this Chinese-built car. They’ll still be available in China and other parts of the world, but if you’re rich in America and really, really want a fancy Volvo, you’ll just have to buy an old 240 and spend $300,000 at some bespoke upfitter like the rest of us peasants.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 240, for the rich people to upfit, like I just said
This one is a little weird, because Porsche seems to have sort of wavered on their plans here. Originally, this entry-level Porsche was to be the last combustion-powered Macan, but now it looks like there will be a new, arguably worse combustion-Macan coming next. But it’s going away, and I guess it’s worth at least 23 ounces, since I’m soft on any entry-level anything, and I always thought these looked pretty good.
What To Resurrect: Porsche 597 Jagdwagen
This is basically the same as the Audi A7, but you know, faster. That’s why I gave it four more ounces.
What To Resurrect: Merkur XR4ti
Ah, the Q8 E-tron! It’s going away! I’ve seen like three of these out in the wild. These seem like pretty decent EVs, with decent range and what I’m told is good handling and all that, but it’s still pretty hard to really, you know, care. 12 ounces is a whole beer can, so that seems fair.
What To Resurrect: How about an Audi Fox wagon? In bright green?
I’ve seen a few of these in the wild, and I can’t say I know all that much about them, but I do think an electric delivery van is a great application for EVs in general, especially for “last-mile” routes, so we’ll spill almost 30 ounces of precious, golden malt liquor for the Brightdrop.
What To Resurrect: Some sort of modernized electric DKW Schnellaster
These fastback SUVs always seemed a little silly to me, but whatever. We’ll dump 11 ounces for this one and probably barely think about it again.
What To Resurrect: How about a LaForza?
Honestly? I think I was a little too generous for this one. These were huge, expensive lumbering beasts, about as elegant as a gilded fecal impaction. They were fast and pretty comfortable, so there’s that, I guess.
What To Resurrect: Mohs Ostentatienne Opera Sedan
This was Cadillac’s smaller SUV, and was discontinued to make way for electric SUVs. Is it a shame these are gone? I guess? These were handsome-looking crossovers, and they did seem to come in a shade of green. So we can dump out the equivalent of a can and a half. Wait, no, a can and a third?
What To Resurrect: How about the OG Citroën Ami? Those were nice and weird.
The Cadillac XT6 is going away, which just means, what? If you really wanted one, you should just get a lightly used Escalade?
What To Resurrect: Cadillac Seville (the bustleback one)
I think relatively affordable cars of any kind are needed right now, so I’m not thrilled to see the Blazer go. Of course, GM’s decision to not allow CarPlay in their cars kicks this off most people’s lists, so I guess it barely matters. Still, I’ll give 21 ounces.
What To Resurrect: Daihatsu Naked
Oh no! The Ford Escape is no longer going to be sold in America! That’s what it would sound like if people gave a shit about this, which, I assure you, they don’t. I mean, maybe someone does, but I have yet to meet them. Just get a Bronco Sport or something if it hurts.
What To Resurrect: Ford Ka
I think Genesis has a strong design vocabulary, so in that sense, I guess I should lament the loss of any good-looking car, but they also have a very consistent design language, so it’s not like there aren’t plenty of other Genesises out there with basically the same look. So, 23 oz is all you get, and that’s generous.
What To Resurrect: BMW 600
The QX50 is going away? Oh no. Look, I’ll give 12 whole ounces just to not have to give a shit here.
What To Resurrect: Studebaker Avanti
Didn’t I just do this one? Ugh, the QX55, right, fine. I don’t care. Two ounces. Whatever.
What To Resurrect: How about the VW Squareback? Those were cool as hell.
I’m not pouring out anything for the Wagoneer because it’s really just getting a name change to the Grand Wagoneer and besides, these are pretty boring as it is. Fine. Keep it, kill it, I don’t give a rat’s rectum.
What To Resurrect: Jeep FC! And the van one they never made, too!
Ah, the Soul! I’m going to pour out the whole thing for this one because it’s not just the Soul that’s ending, it’s the last of this particular kind of affordable, useful, small, cube-shaped car, and that’s a category I really appreciate. They’re sort of like larger versions of Kei tall-boy cars, maximizing volume in a small package. We once had the Nissan Cube, Scion xB, and the Soul. Now we have none. That’s sad.
What To Resurrect: First-gen Scion xB!
I’m going to pour out a lot for the Lexus LC, because this kind of fast, RWD luxury coupé is becoming more and more uncommon. And yes, that’s a shame. 32 ounces of shame.
What To Resurrect: Crosley Hot Shot
Damn, the RC platform is almost 12 years old! I guess this one was getting pretty old. Still, sport coupés are becoming less and less available, so I’ll splash out a lot for the passing of these.
What To Resurrect: Checker Marathon, but a sport-coupé version
These things weren’t exactly flying off the shelves. They were nice enough EV SUVs, I suppose, but if you can find anyone who will be really broken up by their discontinuation, you should put a tent over them and sell tickets.
What To Resurrect: Mercedes-Benz Pagoda
This was one of those “coupé” SUVs that weren’t actually coupés, but were worse-shaped and less-useful SUVs. I don’t care that it’s gone. So there.
What To Resurrect: Mazda GLC, the real GLC
See above. I gave it one extra ounce because why the hell not. Good riddance.
What To Resurrect: Pretty much anything
The Altima has achieved a sort of cult, pop-culture status as a sort of unpredictable agent of automotive chaos, though that’s really more likely just a byproduct of it being widely available and affordable. It’s become fairly boring lately though, so maybe it’s best it bows out now, before fading into true obscurity. It’s worth at least 15 ounces.
What To Resurrect: Any Nissan Pike factory car
I’m not sure there’s a car that has taken the world less by storm than the Nissan Ariya. Sure, it’s pretty nice and is Infiniti-adjacent in terms of quality, but there’s a lot of competition in the EV crossover space, and it’s just hard to find a reason to care. The tariffs didn’t help either. Drip, drip.
What To Resurrect: Nissan Rasheen
I remember driving these when they first came out. They were fine, only came in shades of gray, and there really weren’t that many compelling reasons to get one. All I really remember about my drive in one was that the infotainment system had a fantastic bug that gave my average speed at something over 400 mph. Six ounces spilled is plenty.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 1800ES
You know what, let’s group this with the one below:
Okay, both the 718s, in open Boxster and closed Cayman forms, were to be discontinued to make room for new EV sportscars, but I’m not so sure how that’s going to play out? Regardless, I’m sad to see any mid-engined, horizontally-opposed piston’d cars go, so I’ll pour out most of my 40 for these two.
What To Resurrect: Porsche 912
Another example of the Great Sedan Pruning, I suppose Acura really couldn’t justify both the TLX and the Integra, and of the two, I guess I’m glad they kept the Integra.
What To Resurrect: Honda Element, but as an Acura. Call it a Molecule.
I think I liked the first gen of these more, with the more dramatically stupid fastback. This one I don’t think I’ve ever thought about. It’s lucky to get five ounces.
What To Resurrect: I don’t know. The Corvair.
Didn’t I already do this one? Oh, that was the A7. Fine. Sedans are going away, yadda yadda, it’s terrible, oh no, 22 ounces, blah blah blah. There.
What To Resurrect: Glas V8
Oy, that was a lot of these. That’s sort of grim, isn’t it? Well, here’s hoping better things take the place of these deadbeats.
The Cayman deserved at least two whole bottles, you fools! It’s a Boxster WITH A ROOF! It’s more fun than the modern-day 911! Fools. FOOLS!
The Brightdrop is supposedly a great delivery van, and the perfect application for that, too. Screw the garbage tariffs and screw GM for giving up on it this early. It’s great not to smell or hear idling fart-machines when delivery trucks are out working, and those offered a lot of great amenities for the drivers (heat! really good heat, too! basic things the rest of us take for granted!!!) that a lot of other deliverymobiles don’t.
Also, unfortunately, the Altima isn’t dead yet. 2026 already sucks big ol’ floppy donkey balls for that. They should preserve one as a warning and send the rest to the crusher…at the bottom of a volcano……and then nuke the volcano, just to be sure.
I think the gas Macan is sticking around next year, too, though? They’ve done a lot of will-they-won’t-they about their ICE models lately, but with a pivot away from hardcore electrification, it’d be dumb not to keep one of their bestsellers on the lots. Parsh also has a ’26 configurator up (which they don’t have for the 718, unfortunately): https://configurator.porsche.com/en-US/mode/model/95BAU1
Of these, the ones I’m saddest about are:
-the Brightdrop van (made in Canada, with sales fucked by Crooked Trump.. Fuck you Trump… Fuck you six ways to Sunday and fuck you two more times on Sunday)
-The Ford Escape… because with it, the Escape hybrid and Plug-in hybrid goes away. And the Escape is essentially a practical stationwagon, even though it was marketed as a CUV.
-Porsche 718 Cayman
And about the Nissan Ariya… apparently it will continue to be sold in Canada.
Thank you for giving the Soul all 40 ounces. I’m giving mine extra TLC and hope that it lasts me forever. I love the little booger green box immensely.
I wonder if there will be a move away from the SUV and crossover? There was a move from wagons to vans to SUVs and crossovers. Is this where we stop or will the current generation growing up in SUVs and crossovers see them the way previous generations looked at vans and wagons?
The Lexus LC deserves the whole 40.