As anyone who has neglected feeding a fish for weeks at a time can tell you, all things must die. Eventually. That goes for cars, too, and this year the butcher’s bill is over 30 cars long, depending on whose list you happen to be reading. Whatever the exact number, it’s a lot of cars that will be driving across the Rainbow Road come next year, and it seems important for us to acknowledge these dead cars driving, and, more importantly, tell you precisely how much of a feces we give about these passings.
To grade how much we care about the demise of each car, we’ll be using the recognized international standard of how much one grieves the passing of something: by how much booze is decanted onto the ground from a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor. As you can imagine, more booze means more remorse, on a scale of zero to 40 ounces.
Okay, let’s get to this, we have a lot of these to work through, and, to be honest, it’s hard to care about a lot of these cars. I almost placed these in alphabetical order, but that’s not how these graphics populated the article when I imported them all in here, so I’ll just take this order as some sort of sign from the Almighty.
Oh, you know what else? For some of these – perhaps most– I may suggest a dead car that should be resurrected to replace it!
The Audi A7 bids adieu come 2026, and I think that’s worth just a bit over half the malt liquor bottle, mostly because I’m feeling more sympathetic to non-SUVs, and the A7 is something I like even more than a sedan: a five-door liftback. I’ll be sorry to see that go, even if I rarely encountered these cars and, as a result, have precious little personal connection to them.
What To Resurrect: Merkur Scorpio
I suppose I’m feeling a bit more nostalgia for the Legacy than some of these other cars, as I still recall the handsome 1989 Legacies of my youth. And, also, sedans are becoming so very rare; Subaru still has the WRX, but that’s it for them! So I’ll pour out over 3/4s of it!
What To Resurrect: The 1989 Subaru Legacy
Like every other company, Volvo is paring down their sedans. In fact, I don’t think they even have any sedans left for sale in America! There’s still the V60 Cross Country wagon, their lone remaining actual station wagon, as they hint at with how this category is listed on their website:
So sad. I’ll dump out 30 ounces for this one.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 262C Bertone
The S90 was Volvo’s fancy, rich-people sedan, and was killed primarily because of the hefty tariffs on this Chinese-built car. They’ll still be available in China and other parts of the world, but if you’re rich in America and really, really want a fancy Volvo, you’ll just have to buy an old 240 and spend $300,000 at some bespoke upfitter like the rest of us peasants.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 240, for the rich people to upfit, like I just said
This one is a little weird, because Porsche seems to have sort of wavered on their plans here. Originally, this entry-level Porsche was to be the last combustion-powered Macan, but now it looks like there will be a new, arguably worse combustion-Macan coming next. But it’s going away, and I guess it’s worth at least 23 ounces, since I’m soft on any entry-level anything, and I always thought these looked pretty good.
What To Resurrect: Porsche 597 Jagdwagen
This is basically the same as the Audi A7, but you know, faster. That’s why I gave it four more ounces.
What To Resurrect: Merkur XR4ti
Ah, the Q8 E-tron! It’s going away! I’ve seen like three of these out in the wild. These seem like pretty decent EVs, with decent range and what I’m told is good handling and all that, but it’s still pretty hard to really, you know, care. 12 ounces is a whole beer can, so that seems fair.
What To Resurrect: How about an Audi Fox wagon? In bright green?
I’ve seen a few of these in the wild, and I can’t say I know all that much about them, but I do think an electric delivery van is a great application for EVs in general, especially for “last-mile” routes, so we’ll spill almost 30 ounces of precious, golden malt liquor for the Brightdrop.
What To Resurrect: Some sort of modernized electric DKW Schnellaster
These fastback SUVs always seemed a little silly to me, but whatever. We’ll dump 11 ounces for this one and probably barely think about it again.
What To Resurrect: How about a LaForza?
Honestly? I think I was a little too generous for this one. These were huge, expensive lumbering beasts, about as elegant as a gilded fecal impaction. They were fast and pretty comfortable, so there’s that, I guess.
What To Resurrect: Mohs Ostentatienne Opera Sedan
This was Cadillac’s smaller SUV, and was discontinued to make way for electric SUVs. Is it a shame these are gone? I guess? These were handsome-looking crossovers, and they did seem to come in a shade of green. So we can dump out the equivalent of a can and a half. Wait, no, a can and a third?
What To Resurrect: How about the OG Citroën Ami? Those were nice and weird.
The Cadillac XT6 is going away, which just means, what? If you really wanted one, you should just get a lightly used Escalade?
What To Resurrect: Cadillac Seville (the bustleback one)
I think relatively affordable cars of any kind are needed right now, so I’m not thrilled to see the Blazer go. Of course, GM’s decision to not allow CarPlay in their cars kicks this off most people’s lists, so I guess it barely matters. Still, I’ll give 21 ounces.
What To Resurrect: Daihatsu Naked
Oh no! The Ford Escape is no longer going to be sold in America! That’s what it would sound like if people gave a shit about this, which, I assure you, they don’t. I mean, maybe someone does, but I have yet to meet them. Just get a Bronco Sport or something if it hurts.
What To Resurrect: Ford Ka
I think Genesis has a strong design vocabulary, so in that sense, I guess I should lament the loss of any good-looking car, but they also have a very consistent design language, so it’s not like there aren’t plenty of other Genesises out there with basically the same look. So, 23 oz is all you get, and that’s generous.
What To Resurrect: BMW 600
The QX50 is going away? Oh no. Look, I’ll give 12 whole ounces just to not have to give a shit here.
What To Resurrect: Studebaker Avanti
Didn’t I just do this one? Ugh, the QX55, right, fine. I don’t care. Two ounces. Whatever.
What To Resurrect: How about the VW Squareback? Those were cool as hell.
I’m not pouring out anything for the Wagoneer because it’s really just getting a name change to the Grand Wagoneer and besides, these are pretty boring as it is. Fine. Keep it, kill it, I don’t give a rat’s rectum.
What To Resurrect: Jeep FC! And the van one they never made, too!
Ah, the Soul! I’m going to pour out the whole thing for this one because it’s not just the Soul that’s ending, it’s the last of this particular kind of affordable, useful, small, cube-shaped car, and that’s a category I really appreciate. They’re sort of like larger versions of Kei tall-boy cars, maximizing volume in a small package. We once had the Nissan Cube, Scion xB, and the Soul. Now we have none. That’s sad.
What To Resurrect: First-gen Scion xB!
I’m going to pour out a lot for the Lexus LC, because this kind of fast, RWD luxury coupé is becoming more and more uncommon. And yes, that’s a shame. 32 ounces of shame.
What To Resurrect: Crosley Hot Shot
Damn, the RC platform is almost 12 years old! I guess this one was getting pretty old. Still, sport coupés are becoming less and less available, so I’ll splash out a lot for the passing of these.
What To Resurrect: Checker Marathon, but a sport-coupé version
These things weren’t exactly flying off the shelves. They were nice enough EV SUVs, I suppose, but if you can find anyone who will be really broken up by their discontinuation, you should put a tent over them and sell tickets.
What To Resurrect: Mercedes-Benz Pagoda
This was one of those “coupé” SUVs that weren’t actually coupés, but were worse-shaped and less-useful SUVs. I don’t care that it’s gone. So there.
What To Resurrect: Mazda GLC, the real GLC
See above. I gave it one extra ounce because why the hell not. Good riddance.
What To Resurrect: Pretty much anything
The Altima has achieved a sort of cult, pop-culture status as a sort of unpredictable agent of automotive chaos, though that’s really more likely just a byproduct of it being widely available and affordable. It’s become fairly boring lately though, so maybe it’s best it bows out now, before fading into true obscurity. It’s worth at least 15 ounces.
What To Resurrect: Any Nissan Pike factory car
I’m not sure there’s a car that has taken the world less by storm than the Nissan Ariya. Sure, it’s pretty nice and is Infiniti-adjacent in terms of quality, but there’s a lot of competition in the EV crossover space, and it’s just hard to find a reason to care. The tariffs didn’t help either. Drip, drip.
What To Resurrect: Nissan Rasheen
I remember driving these when they first came out. They were fine, only came in shades of gray, and there really weren’t that many compelling reasons to get one. All I really remember about my drive in one was that the infotainment system had a fantastic bug that gave my average speed at something over 400 mph. Six ounces spilled is plenty.
What To Resurrect: Volvo 1800ES
You know what, let’s group this with the one below:
Okay, both the 718s, in open Boxster and closed Cayman forms, were to be discontinued to make room for new EV sportscars, but I’m not so sure how that’s going to play out? Regardless, I’m sad to see any mid-engined, horizontally-opposed piston’d cars go, so I’ll pour out most of my 40 for these two.
What To Resurrect: Porsche 912
Another example of the Great Sedan Pruning, I suppose Acura really couldn’t justify both the TLX and the Integra, and of the two, I guess I’m glad they kept the Integra.
What To Resurrect: Honda Element, but as an Acura. Call it a Molecule.
I think I liked the first gen of these more, with the more dramatically stupid fastback. This one I don’t think I’ve ever thought about. It’s lucky to get five ounces.
What To Resurrect: I don’t know. The Corvair.
Didn’t I already do this one? Oh, that was the A7. Fine. Sedans are going away, yadda yadda, it’s terrible, oh no, 22 ounces, blah blah blah. There.
What To Resurrect: Glas V8
Oy, that was a lot of these. That’s sort of grim, isn’t it? Well, here’s hoping better things take the place of these deadbeats.
I think I read that the Altima has been given another year?
The Audis and Porsches are nice enough, but other than that I’m not spilling any of my precious Mad Dog for this sorry lot.
By the way, those Mohs cars are absolutely deranged. Homer Simpson come to life. And that featured Safarikar has more than a hint of psychopathy to it.
I’m honestly not thrilled about things that aren’t crossovers leaving the market. I know I’m in the minority, and I get that car companies are going to focus on what sells. Still, the alternatives for the rest of us get fewer and fewer all the time.
How TF is Pacifica still here? Or really, Chrysler? (and I own one)
I’d have started drinking again if the Cybertruck had been on this list.
Ugh. Both the A4 and the A7? Brutal. Traffic will be uglier without them. 🙁
The GV80 is just the GV80 EV right? I wouldn’t think they would discontinue their best seller.
Yes just the EV. It’s in a pinkish shade of red on the red Genesis GV80 line. Pretty much invisible on mobile, and certainly if you have any sort of shade deficiency with red.
Amazing top shot – we couldn’t even be bothered to get Colt 45 I see, had to go for Olde English. Maybe next year we could use Mad Dog.
The loss of the 718s, Lexuses, and the Soul are the only ones on the list that really register for me. I think you were plenty generous.
Why is GM discontinuing the gas-powered Blazer? The rest of this list I wouldn’t have bought anyway.
And what is Car-Play? What does that have to do with the Blazer?
The soul is indeed very sad. They just kept getting better but not as fun colors or interior choices. There are a fair amount of truckers that absolutely hate them and claim they are driven by idiots I guess they like Altimas crashing in to them or something. Soul and legacy had some real value and there doesn’t seem to be anything to fill the gaps yet. I suppose the truckets and hopefully some kei type vehicles will fill the gap. If vinfast could figure out it’s corruption in Vietnam get it’s self in to gear making an American market vf3 and that little trick thing could be interesting at around $15k.
The LC500 is a real loss. It represents what Lexus once could do but no longer seems interested in.
Hard to believe the iconic Boxster is going away. The A4 is a bummer, doubly so considering what they did to the redesigned A5. Two dead German mainstays
The Volvos are beautiful and I like sedans, so that’s sad.
I’m not sure anything else on the list is worth mourning or provides anything you can’t find elsewhere.
Had to laugh about the “elegant as a gilded fecal impaction” line.
Didn’t I just read the other day that Nissan changed its mind and is continuing/dis-discontinuing the Altima in 2026? Sentra’s gone, though. Cue Monty Python’s “…I’m not dead yet.”
Versa is gone. Nissan just redesigned the Sentra for 2026.
I’m surprised it didn’t show up here and get the full 40 for being the last cheap manual car.
I’ve seen those articles as well, just not here yet.
All the expected targets. Cadillac, Kia, Audi, Parsch, MB, Nissan, Infinity and Acura. Most from EV envy, a few aged out and many from tariffs. So sad, meanwhile I’d like two fingers of single malt Oban, neat please.
Wagons are pretty much dead in the US at this point and this lost shows sedans will be gone soon to it sucks because for me as someone that will not be having kids so for my daily driver’s I much prefer something smaller vs a cross over or SUV.
The B5 A4, especially post-refresh, damn near re-launched the Audi brand in the US.
Audi was about as relevant as Infiniti is today, until that thing came out. No, it didn’t handle anything like a 3-series. It didn’t surprise everyone like the G35. Yet it was handsome, simple, practical, and offered AWD when that was still very rare. They also can be a meme to maintain long-term, but they sold in very solid numbers.
It also didn’t catch the attention like the R8 did, but it showed that Audi was intending to be relevant, and that’s Piech’s efforts to go after a goal should never be ignored.
My grandad loved audis, he had everything from one of the Quattros with the I5 to a later c4 s6. He passed in 2002 but my grandma’s always chosen A4s since then, so they’re oddly sentimental to the family. Sad to see them go
“It didn’t surprise everyone like the G35”
I was a little surprised at how strong that 2.0-liter turbo was, and how decent it sounded for that engine configuration. Paired with the DSG, that A4 could fly.
Loved the retro linear dashboard as well. Very appealing cars, shame what Audi did to it.