Some cars keep a nice low profile. Nobody notices a silver Toyota Prius, or a white Chevy Express van; they just fade into the background. And some people like that. But others have to stand out, and choose flashy vehicles, or make their existing vehicles flashier. Today’s two contenders are not for introverts; you will get noticed in these.
Yesterday I gave you a ridiculous scenario and two terrible cheap old cars to choose from. The overwhelming majority of you decided the rusty Chevy Tracker was less horrible, and chose it for your imaginary cross-country run. The Ford Aspire had a few fans, but far more detractors.
I think I’d go the other way. The Tracker seems all right, but the Aspire is such a simple little thing. I feel like I could more easily keep it running for three thousand miles. Oh, and my choice of car, if I successfully completed the trip? A pristine Mk1 VW Scirocco. You never forget your first love.
Today’s choices stick out like a sore thumb. One has an obnoxious home-brewed paint job, and the other was obnoxious to begin with, and then it crashed into a Pep Boys and everything stuck to it. Let’s see which one you’d be more willing to be seen in.
1991 Pontiac Bonneville – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Odometer reading: 94,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Pontiac Motor Division was known for years as the high-performance arm of General Motors, even though most of its cars weren’t any faster than comparable Chevrolets. Its best-known performance car, the Trans Am, was famously adorned with a giant bird on its hood. Owners of other Pontiac models have added the “screaming chicken” to their cars’ hoods, but this is the first time I’ve seen one on a Bonneville. It looks hand-painted, too; someone put some effort into it.
Under that hand-painted bird is one of GM’s best old engines: the 3800 V6. This thing was produced forever, found its way into a wide variety of cars, and has gained a reputation for racking up trouble-free miles. It isn’t invincible, but with some careful preventive maintenance, it will serve you well. The 4T60 automatic transmission attached to it is robust too, as long as you keep clean fluid in it. This car has only 94,000 miles on it, so it should have lots of life left. But here’s something for you to ponder: since the engine is mounted transversely in this one, should the bird on the hood be sideways instead?
The ad is short on photos; this is the only look at the interior we get. Based on the fake woodgrain, I’m going to guess that this is an SE model; if I remember right, the LE just had gray plastic. The back seat is in good shape, but I wonder about what they’re hiding by not showing the front.
Apart from the screaming chicken, this car has a few other personalized touches, like a rear spoiler, aftermarket wheels, and dual exhaust. Somebody really wanted a Trans Am, but this is as close as they could get, I guess. The paint is dull and faded, but since it’s an Arizona car, it shouldn’t have any rust.
2006 Hummer H3 – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.5-liter DOHC inline 5, five-speed manual, 4WD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 205,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are just plain silly. I guess the original Hummvee makes sense as a military vehicle, but for civilian use, it’s just so big. Too big, really. And I think GM knew this, which is why it followed up the original H1 with the H2 and H3, each getting progressively smaller (like the HTML code for header sizes, as my wife just pointed out). But even the H3, based on the midsized Chevy Colorado platform, seems larger than life.
The standard engine in the H3 is a 3.5-liter five-cylinder, which was also the top engine in the Colorado at the time. Most of them came with automatic transmissions, but a five-speed manual was available, and this truck has one. I’m not sure how much the manual adds to the H3 experience, but it’s likely more durable than the automatic. The seller says it runs and drives well, even though it’s past 200,000 miles.
The interior isn’t really as gaudy as it looks, those aggressively red seat covers are aftermarket. I’m hoping the tan seats are in decent shape under them. The seller does say that the air conditioning works well, which is a plus.
Outside, it’s the second-most obnoxious H3 color (the yellow beats it by just a hair). The twenty-inch chrome wheels don’t do anything to tone it down, either. It also has a huge aftermarket brush bar on the front, but at least it’s black and not chrome. It’s in good shape, but honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of these scruffy. I guess the owners must take care of them.
As ostentatious as they are, these are both pretty good, durable cars, and $4,500 isn’t a whole lot in today’s used car market. You could do worse. It’s just a matter of which one you’re less embarrassed to be seen in: the bird-painted Bonneville, or the Hot Wheels-looking Hummer?
The 3800 can’t save me from a screaming chicken on a Bonneville.
It’s cool, but not on a Bonneville cool. I’d rather be known as the guy driving a junk H3, that at least has a 5-speed hooked up to a 5 cylinder.
Can I put the Bonny’s hood on the H3?
Bonnie for sure. I’d take the Hummer if it had half the miles and the spare tire, but it’s pretty used up. I don’t mind the H3s too much, they’re a nice size and very capable.
The Bonnie looks like it’s been cherished (maybe a bit too much…?) and the screaming chicken is a junkyard hood or a strip/respray away from disappearing. The spoiler doesn’t look terrible either, I’d keep it.
I will 100% throw a good offroad wheel and tire package on that H3 along with and run the hell out of it in the mountains. If it was close by I would genuinely go take a look in person and maybe buy it.
I’m trying to envision what the opponent would need to be for a Hummer to actually win a vote here. Maybe a Cybertruck?
I nearly included “At least it’s not a Cybertruck” in my comment.
I’m genuinely surprised that as of right now there are 215 people saying they will pay $4500 for a 35 year old Bonneville.
That is a strong indication that most people treat these picks as being made with free monopoly money not money they actually had to earn.
YARP!
If I were using real money I’d never buy either of these things, but that’s not the game.
How is the idea of real money changing hands not the game?
Imaginary money really lowers the stakes. Kinda like playing poker without real money. The game play is completely different.
Because if I were concerned about spending real money I’d never vote for any of these cars. With few exceptions
most ofthe cars featured here are a categorically bad idea, every single timeI’ll agree that most cars featured are a bad idea and I’ll add overpriced. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. They did a week of logical cars but maybe the engagement is better on overpriced oddballs.
That’s just what things cost now man.
Yeah, talk about missing the whole point of this- it’s all for fun, not to be taken seriously, it’s one of many car enthusiast’s interests, and it’s literally called “Shitbox Showdown”…not “boring logical normie greyscale Showdown” which is boring to write/read about as mentioned before. I like shitboxes and awesome old junky classics so if I could I actually would buy a lot of the cars on here.
It’s an escape from the world so it doesn’t have to be realistic, make sense, or be so damn serious like everything else. If it’s a car I like more than the other, I’m always voting for it despite everything else. Plus I always vote and will never understand not voting… that’s called having already lost/missed out right from the start due to not even knowing how this works.
Here’s an idea: A really and truly REAL Shitbox Showdown would be where you vote for the SHITTIEST car! You CANNOT vote for the “better” car…so that would be a lot of fun too, even if just for a week!
“If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice”
Yes, it is called “Shitbox Showdown” but most days the cars presented aren’t shitboxes. They are old and boring cars but in much better than average shape for the age and priced at crackpipe levels. (Like $4500 for a 35 year old Bonneville)
We could flip your idea of real Shitbox Showdown and call it Crackpipe Showdown and vote for the most overpriced car.
Or, we could go back to looking at actual beaters priced accordingly. Max $1500 or $2,000. That used to be the focus but the game has shifted over time into something pretty boring.
They returned to their roots recently with the Aspire / Tracker matchup.
H3, so I could give a knowing nod to everyone in a cybertruck.
You are seen, my dude.
There were choices made to get both of these cars in the state they’re in.
Bad ones.
The Bonnie is at least more understated, and doesn’t have a shiftboot made of sunburned nutsack.
The only H3 that’s worthwhile is the Alpha, IMO.
The mods to the Pontiac are more easily reversed or overlooked, and it has half the mileage. A 4×4 truck at 200K+ miles is a good way to stay busy and poor, however. Lots of things to attend to.
I am guessing if you spill some gasoline on the hood the screaming chicken will come off with a sponge, then again I don’t really need a comfy cruiser to add to the stable. Make mine the misguided Hummer, ditch the horrendous seat covers, and find a used set of wheels on craigslist (I hope they are standard GM 6 bolts, but I think the Colorados were different). Then I would use it as a utility vehicle and try some offroading maybe. I have had manual sports cars, hatchbacks, sedans, and wagons, might as well try a manual truck.
The Bonnie is a better choice across the board, but I am not in the mood for “rational” thinking today.
How is spending $4500 on a 35 year old Bonneville rational when similar money will buy a 2012 Malibu?
https://www.cargurus.com/details/454497982?resultSetId=dd9389f0-cf73-4e88-aaf5-48a283c83d3d&searchUuid=b17c7a3f-3ff8-432f-bec1-9fa4cad6c45c&sponsoredType=NONE&srpVariation=DEFAULT_SEARCH&listingIndex=0&inclusionType=DEFAULT&searchZip=97124&searchDistance=50&ourls=SRP&srpc=N4IghgZgxiBcoBMCWBnALmAdlApnArAAwA0IKA9gE5oAiSlOUaS5mcIAggMoDCIpFagBUAngAc8sEACEAolyEB9ALIchPABL8QALyRj2ATgDsARgBMAFm0BbMAGscy8ghwAbIZSQ2ACmDQAFihwANogNqa2pgD0CABs5uYgALqkmKxcAfpiYABGbjjSYCjuSJiSxnGkdgAePl64BITNApRiAGpgXv4sbFI0sgBiHACqADJKXLIcAEqaIAC%2BpEw1cKBuSAhwlviWliaGABzmpGIA5nCmAgCu15vsuabGUMZgAMwQALQfEIeflm9zF9coxTJ9DBAwJYoGB4lAdjBTmcwOwcCIAFJ2AAa6J0CEG0gCAC1zCMkAB5ABWAE0UABJTCEkntcl0ynkIEARQAvNzFgsgA
Rationality, like many things, is a on spectrum.
The Bonneville was, at least for the time, a legitimately decently received vehicle at the time even if this isn’t the trim that the automobile rags tended to make sure they were testing.
The H3 is a crappy knockoff of a crappy knockoff even before this one was almost almost certainly put away wet.
Give me the Bonnie.
If I didn’t keep the screamin’ chicken ironically, it’s easy enough to paint or find a replacement hood.
The only redeeming quality of the Hummer, IMO, is the manual trans. Not worth driving a douchemobile just to have a stick.
Took me a while to remember what that vintage of Bonneville looked like. I now remember they were a good take on that platform.
Back from vacation. Hi everyone!
I’m voting for that Bonneville out of blind trust that it has one of those steering wheels full of buttons.
At the same time, I’m pondering what to do about that hood. The bird belongs on a Firebird because the car is named after a bird. How would one depict salt flats on the hood of a car? Come to think of it, I guess Arizona heat took care of that.
Pretty sure you could carefully sand the bird off and re-clear if needed. Just dot burn it down to primer.
Keep the chicken! From the little photographic evidence we have it looks like a decent paint job. If nothing else, keep it for the lol’s.
I cannot remember the last time that I chose the automatic over the manual.
Definitely the Bonneville. The hummer is a poser’s car.
I guess I can source a hood for the Pontiac from a junkyard, or have it repainted.
The Hummer, fuck no. I have dignity.
I’m going with the Bonny. With that one, at least you could drive around ironically. With the Hummer you’d just look like a douchebag.
I think the Cybertruck diluted that measure enough that I’d drive an H3.
The 3800 in the Pontiac is all you need to know. Solid engine. That Hummer? Its another one of those shitty models that has somehow made it past 200,000 miles. Amazing. But no thanks.
The H3 is the one Hummer I’d consider owning. Per DT, they are pretty capable off-road and they don’t weight 4.5 tons like its bigger bros. If the seats are a mess under the eye-searing covers, you can always get some different covers off Temu or Alibaba in a rational color, and the wheels can be replaced via Tire Rack and sell these chrome monstrosities to some kid on eBay.
$4,500 for a gas guzzling SUV with over 200,000 miles on the odometer? What has the world come to?
That Pontiac looks like some teenager inherited Grandma’s car and then smoked some pot while watching Smoky and the Bandit. He’s either the king of the school or the biggest nerd on campus – no inbetween. I’d get the hummer, de-douchify things a bit, and then off road it till it explodes.
I’d rather drive the Hummer, but I’d rather be seen in Anthony Mackie’s Captain America Pontiac. As homebrew customs go, that’s actually kinda cool in a nerdy sorta way. Kudos to the creator.
Plus, as long as it’s not rusty, the Bonnie has another 200,000 miles in it, and those are comfy cruisers.
Yikes. I would literally not buy either if these were the last two vehicles on Earth. Of course, if the planet was down to a janky Hummer and an ancient, tastelessly modified Buick, I probably would have bigger problems than needing a car.
For voting purposes I went with the Hummer. Yeah, it sucks. But it is newer. When in doubt, I go for the newer vehicle.
Time to give the Hummer some custom offroad pinstripes. They’re surprisingly capable, even if they look ridiculous.
I’m a Bonneville fan, but I’m going to have to go with the tacky H3. The Bonneville is too festooned with poorly-executed modifications to warrant that price, even at the lower mileage. The H3 is priced more reasonably, though those wheels are absolutely hideous. Still, H3.
You could always rattle can and sand some primer over the hood of that Trans Bonneville, but that H3 will always be a Hummer and that’s still a no for me.