Some cars keep a nice low profile. Nobody notices a silver Toyota Prius, or a white Chevy Express van; they just fade into the background. And some people like that. But others have to stand out, and choose flashy vehicles, or make their existing vehicles flashier. Today’s two contenders are not for introverts; you will get noticed in these.
Yesterday I gave you a ridiculous scenario and two terrible cheap old cars to choose from. The overwhelming majority of you decided the rusty Chevy Tracker was less horrible, and chose it for your imaginary cross-country run. The Ford Aspire had a few fans, but far more detractors.
I think I’d go the other way. The Tracker seems all right, but the Aspire is such a simple little thing. I feel like I could more easily keep it running for three thousand miles. Oh, and my choice of car, if I successfully completed the trip? A pristine Mk1 VW Scirocco. You never forget your first love.
Today’s choices stick out like a sore thumb. One has an obnoxious home-brewed paint job, and the other was obnoxious to begin with, and then it crashed into a Pep Boys and everything stuck to it. Let’s see which one you’d be more willing to be seen in.
1991 Pontiac Bonneville – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Odometer reading: 94,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Pontiac Motor Division was known for years as the high-performance arm of General Motors, even though most of its cars weren’t any faster than comparable Chevrolets. Its best-known performance car, the Trans Am, was famously adorned with a giant bird on its hood. Owners of other Pontiac models have added the “screaming chicken” to their cars’ hoods, but this is the first time I’ve seen one on a Bonneville. It looks hand-painted, too; someone put some effort into it.
Under that hand-painted bird is one of GM’s best old engines: the 3800 V6. This thing was produced forever, found its way into a wide variety of cars, and has gained a reputation for racking up trouble-free miles. It isn’t invincible, but with some careful preventive maintenance, it will serve you well. The 4T60 automatic transmission attached to it is robust too, as long as you keep clean fluid in it. This car has only 94,000 miles on it, so it should have lots of life left. But here’s something for you to ponder: since the engine is mounted transversely in this one, should the bird on the hood be sideways instead?
The ad is short on photos; this is the only look at the interior we get. Based on the fake woodgrain, I’m going to guess that this is an SE model; if I remember right, the LE just had gray plastic. The back seat is in good shape, but I wonder about what they’re hiding by not showing the front.
Apart from the screaming chicken, this car has a few other personalized touches, like a rear spoiler, aftermarket wheels, and dual exhaust. Somebody really wanted a Trans Am, but this is as close as they could get, I guess. The paint is dull and faded, but since it’s an Arizona car, it shouldn’t have any rust.
2006 Hummer H3 – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.5-liter DOHC inline 5, five-speed manual, 4WD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 205,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are just plain silly. I guess the original Hummvee makes sense as a military vehicle, but for civilian use, it’s just so big. Too big, really. And I think GM knew this, which is why it followed up the original H1 with the H2 and H3, each getting progressively smaller (like the HTML code for header sizes, as my wife just pointed out). But even the H3, based on the midsized Chevy Colorado platform, seems larger than life.
The standard engine in the H3 is a 3.5-liter five-cylinder, which was also the top engine in the Colorado at the time. Most of them came with automatic transmissions, but a five-speed manual was available, and this truck has one. I’m not sure how much the manual adds to the H3 experience, but it’s likely more durable than the automatic. The seller says it runs and drives well, even though it’s past 200,000 miles.
The interior isn’t really as gaudy as it looks, those aggressively red seat covers are aftermarket. I’m hoping the tan seats are in decent shape under them. The seller does say that the air conditioning works well, which is a plus.
Outside, it’s the second-most obnoxious H3 color (the yellow beats it by just a hair). The twenty-inch chrome wheels don’t do anything to tone it down, either. It also has a huge aftermarket brush bar on the front, but at least it’s black and not chrome. It’s in good shape, but honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of these scruffy. I guess the owners must take care of them.
As ostentatious as they are, these are both pretty good, durable cars, and $4,500 isn’t a whole lot in today’s used car market. You could do worse. It’s just a matter of which one you’re less embarrassed to be seen in: the bird-painted Bonneville, or the Hot Wheels-looking Hummer?
I have a Canyon with that engine. It has never failed me, but you’d better never be in a hurry. I’m saddled with the 4 speed and CO hills/elevation, to be fair.
I bought an ’06 H3 Adventure in 2009 when so many people traded in their gas guzzlers. They are so much fun. I bought it in Texas, drove it to Alabama, picked up my friends and immediately went mudding in it. The 4 wheel drive system was one of the best you could get factory at the time. As mentioned in the post it was based off the Colorado, but the frame was boxed and they overbuilt most parts of the drivetrain. At least that’s how it seemed to me. The H3 also wasn’t that large and I averaged real world, approx 22 mpg. I kept a log of all the mileage and fill-ups. The only thing I did to improve it’s performance was a custom tune on the PC. As one commenter said, it wasn’t fast, but it was torquey. Exchanged it for a 2008 H3 Alpha because I thought a V8 would make everything I liked about it better. I was wrong. Horrible gas mileage and close to the same power as that 5 cylinder. It was a step backwards. Traded that in pretty quick. I paid $15k for the ’06. It had 40 or 50k miles on it. Sold it in 2010 with 100k miles for the same money. I’d say the downside to them is the same downside to most GM products of that era. Their electrical is subpar.
Had a H3 as a rental back in the day. Didn’t know in 2007 that there was a current production car that couldn’t make 90mph.
Awful piece of junk, even prior to hitting Pepboys…..
The Hummer is unforgivably tacky. I can smell the black ice air fresheners from here. I’ll take the Bonnie, thanks.
Somehow the screaming chicken wouldn’t make me look like as much of a douche as the Hummer would, so easy choice here.
Bonneville! NEVER Hummer (except from a sexy woman, ha ha) Wow, this was so easy (besides that the Bonnie is not stick)- I really love that Pontiac all around. It’s in good shape, has low miles for what it is (it will run badly (or good!) longer than other cars will run at all) and I actually absolutely love the screaming chicken! I used to have an 86 Sunbird liftback that was black w/ blue interior and even had the stock fog lights in the front. I thought about putting one on it’s hood but never did it. Those weren’t the greatest cars, but I still miss it…I miss Pontiac!
That H3 is priced about right and could be corrected for not much money.
The Bonneville…no thanx at any price.
“The interior isn’t really as gaudy as it looks” is like saying “it’s not as stinky as it smells”
Logically I should favor the Pontiac. But the Hummer is so dumb I kind of like it. It went from stupid to stupid cool.
Man, close call. I learned to drive mostly on an 88 Bonneville, which was the best car our family ever owned. It went 350k miles on the original engine, 2nd transmission. It might still be around if my brother hadn’t bent the hood, which was worth more than the vehicle by then.
But an Atlas I5 and a stick is kinda cool. Even though all Hummers look stupid, the red and chrome leans into it – better to just go with tacky the whole way.
someone is charging all that labor to paint the screaming chicken on the hood. I just don’t feel like paying for it.
H3, I can easily remove those tacky seat covers, the wheels can stay until I find something more appropriate and the 5 spd manual is a bonus
I like those early razor-edged FWD H-bodies, and I’m not averse to a silly hood mural, but I’m not feeling the price without evidence that the rest of the interior’s in good shape (ideally even the dashboard, if it’s always had that carpet on it).
I’ve never wanted an H3, but a quirky, rust-free 4wd with decent parts availability for under five grand seems like reasonable value. It’d be the second-best fire-engine-red five-cylinder five-speed wagon I’ve owned.
Edit: I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here, as long as it involves selling the wheels and finding more suitable replacements, which shouldn’t be too difficult in either case.
In honour of Mercedes’ trip to the Bonneville salt flats, Bonnie.
Screaming chicken oversells it though. Need something more in line with the Pontiac’s mission. A trumpeter swan or something of the like.
What it needs is a non-sullied hood and trunk lid. Then it will be a comfy cruiser that can be easy on gas on long road trips. And cloth seats in Arizona are the right call.
Bonneville.
It’s not a hummer, and velour.
Bonneville. Go downtown and give a rat a quarter to chew that thing off it’s hood.
Pushed to vote I went with the Bonnie, which probably should be lain over an ocean but what the heck. I can’t imagine a world in which I’d be seen in the other brand.
I can only wonder how much crap the owner’s gotten, living in Portland.
Honestly that Bonneville is beckoning me for a Guy Fieri makeover and to bust out some 00s nu-metal
The H3 is probably the better choice but my thumb put it’s foot down
Big fat neither. These are both crack head prices from crack head vehicles. The Pontiac is maybe a $3k car without the screaming chicken. That has to be $500 off. The bummer is horrid and tord the end of it’s useful life. It’s maybe a $3k car at the very top end. At least those seat covers come off easy. Either way they are probably both biohazard totaled.