Some cars keep a nice low profile. Nobody notices a silver Toyota Prius, or a white Chevy Express van; they just fade into the background. And some people like that. But others have to stand out, and choose flashy vehicles, or make their existing vehicles flashier. Today’s two contenders are not for introverts; you will get noticed in these.
Yesterday I gave you a ridiculous scenario and two terrible cheap old cars to choose from. The overwhelming majority of you decided the rusty Chevy Tracker was less horrible, and chose it for your imaginary cross-country run. The Ford Aspire had a few fans, but far more detractors.
I think I’d go the other way. The Tracker seems all right, but the Aspire is such a simple little thing. I feel like I could more easily keep it running for three thousand miles. Oh, and my choice of car, if I successfully completed the trip? A pristine Mk1 VW Scirocco. You never forget your first love.
Today’s choices stick out like a sore thumb. One has an obnoxious home-brewed paint job, and the other was obnoxious to begin with, and then it crashed into a Pep Boys and everything stuck to it. Let’s see which one you’d be more willing to be seen in.
1991 Pontiac Bonneville – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.8-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Odometer reading: 94,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Pontiac Motor Division was known for years as the high-performance arm of General Motors, even though most of its cars weren’t any faster than comparable Chevrolets. Its best-known performance car, the Trans Am, was famously adorned with a giant bird on its hood. Owners of other Pontiac models have added the “screaming chicken” to their cars’ hoods, but this is the first time I’ve seen one on a Bonneville. It looks hand-painted, too; someone put some effort into it.
Under that hand-painted bird is one of GM’s best old engines: the 3800 V6. This thing was produced forever, found its way into a wide variety of cars, and has gained a reputation for racking up trouble-free miles. It isn’t invincible, but with some careful preventive maintenance, it will serve you well. The 4T60 automatic transmission attached to it is robust too, as long as you keep clean fluid in it. This car has only 94,000 miles on it, so it should have lots of life left. But here’s something for you to ponder: since the engine is mounted transversely in this one, should the bird on the hood be sideways instead?
The ad is short on photos; this is the only look at the interior we get. Based on the fake woodgrain, I’m going to guess that this is an SE model; if I remember right, the LE just had gray plastic. The back seat is in good shape, but I wonder about what they’re hiding by not showing the front.
Apart from the screaming chicken, this car has a few other personalized touches, like a rear spoiler, aftermarket wheels, and dual exhaust. Somebody really wanted a Trans Am, but this is as close as they could get, I guess. The paint is dull and faded, but since it’s an Arizona car, it shouldn’t have any rust.
2006 Hummer H3 – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 3.5-liter DOHC inline 5, five-speed manual, 4WD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 205,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are just plain silly. I guess the original Hummvee makes sense as a military vehicle, but for civilian use, it’s just so big. Too big, really. And I think GM knew this, which is why it followed up the original H1 with the H2 and H3, each getting progressively smaller (like the HTML code for header sizes, as my wife just pointed out). But even the H3, based on the midsized Chevy Colorado platform, seems larger than life.
The standard engine in the H3 is a 3.5-liter five-cylinder, which was also the top engine in the Colorado at the time. Most of them came with automatic transmissions, but a five-speed manual was available, and this truck has one. I’m not sure how much the manual adds to the H3 experience, but it’s likely more durable than the automatic. The seller says it runs and drives well, even though it’s past 200,000 miles.
The interior isn’t really as gaudy as it looks, those aggressively red seat covers are aftermarket. I’m hoping the tan seats are in decent shape under them. The seller does say that the air conditioning works well, which is a plus.
Outside, it’s the second-most obnoxious H3 color (the yellow beats it by just a hair). The twenty-inch chrome wheels don’t do anything to tone it down, either. It also has a huge aftermarket brush bar on the front, but at least it’s black and not chrome. It’s in good shape, but honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of these scruffy. I guess the owners must take care of them.
As ostentatious as they are, these are both pretty good, durable cars, and $4,500 isn’t a whole lot in today’s used car market. You could do worse. It’s just a matter of which one you’re less embarrassed to be seen in: the bird-painted Bonneville, or the Hot Wheels-looking Hummer?
I’ll take the pontiac, even if it seems way overpriced. Seriously? $4,500 and you can’t be bothered to show us what the front seats look like?
On the other hand, we have an H3 and I’m not interested at all. Maybe if they put a bird decal on the hood.
I had a similar Bonnie to that in college. Mine was an 89 and if stupid teenage me couldn’t kill it despite all my best efforts….it’s my win.
Wow. I’m seriously torn on this one. On the one hand I’ve always objected, on moral grounds, of the Chevys carrying the Hummer name, but on the other hand I’m having a hard time with that screaming chicken. I do love me some weirdness, even some freakiness, but it has to be natural, organic freaky weirdness. This one feels forced.
No contest. The Bonneville is massively overpriced for a 35 year old commuter car.
The H3 is priced just about right.
Chrome wheels with missing center caps is an executable offense in Buzzopotamia.
That being said, I’m still picking the H3. It is simply more useful for moving heavy objects around my property. I already have plenty of people-movers.
I like the Bonnie more, and it seems in better shape. But 15 years worth of safety improvements seems worth all the downsides that come with the H3.
I like the Bonneville. The hood is garish, but could be fixed in a weekend. The spoiler is take it or leave it depending on if it’s bolted on or not. The price tag is a bit high, but it’s low mileage, solid, and a 3800. Plus, I always liked that body style.
The H3? Hard pass. I don’t like them to begin with, and the negative connotations it brings with it by being what it is mean I would not enjoy it. Manual or not.
I bet the screaming chicken is a decal, and the skateboard was double-stick taped to the rear decklid – so both are removable.
With half the mileage, I’m taking the Poncho.
I’m take the H3 all day long. It’s the Colorado/Canyon with upgraded diffs.
The pre-07 had valvetrain issues, but at 200k miles, that would’ve been addressed already.
They’re dead nuts reliable and parts are cheap. The stick shift is just a bonus.
Fine! I voted for the Hummer. I hate them but it’s got a stick and looks to be in remarkable condition. I’d beat the hell out of it off-roading.
I’d need some really serious incentives offered before I’d climb behind the wheel of a Hummer. It’s a Colorado made worse, whereas the Bonneville is a sturdy, stalwart workhorse with a questionable paint job.
If I recall, certain variants of H3 were available with the highly desirable 4:1 4LO ratio, but I don’t know if that was available with the manual. For as often as I go off road, it’s not an important feature to me and besides, it’s still wrapped up in a Hummer. Hard pass.
As for the Bonnie: that’s just paint. Twenty minutes with a sander and five with a roller: fixed.
Bonneville today.
They actually made it better, mechanically. Upgraded diffs and a few other goodies. Harvesting H3 parts to upgrade a Colorado/Canyon is common.
For all the tacky stuff on the Hummer it does looks surprisingly nice for a 200k mile one!
Hate me all you want, I voted for the H3 LOL
I want to wiggle the stick up, down, and side to side to enjoy my hummer.
Wasn’t the H3 actually decently off-road capable, after GM got roundly mocked for the H2’s cosplay? In any event, seems like it could be de-contented nicely upon purchase and how rare is a large 4 door SUV with a stick anyway?
Yes, the H3 was / is capable offroad and it isn’t massively oversized like the H2
I love your logic.
I’d much rather be seen as a wacko (Bonneville) than a d-bag (Hummer.) Grow a mustache, get a cowboy hat, and live out your low budget Smokey and the Bandit dream with that Bonneville.
The Screaming Chicken on a generic sedan… I just can’t. So you actually managed to get me to vote for a Hummer. Jerk.
Huh. I was about to say “that Hummer would bring twice that down on the Gulf Coast,” but no, it’s right on par if not a little high given the mileage.
I’ll take the Bonneville if I can remove the chicken. I have no serious “shortcomings”, so no thanks to the Hummer.
Bonneville. It’s not a SUV and more importantly, it’s not a Hummer.
Ok, fine I’ll vote for the red GM SUV this time. Inline 5, all wheels driven, stick shift, it’s practically an Audi anyway.
I don’t want someone else’s marital compromise.
I’d rattle can that hood black and drive the Pontiac. Comfy seats. The Hummer says ‘probable cause’ to me.
The H3 could be toned down by removing the seat covers and a few bits. Different wheels, sell those on Marketplace. It’s even a manual.
That Bonneville looks like something the Trio would drive across country on a silly quest. Or something you make someone drive because they lost a bet.
The Hummer’s interior makes the Bonneville’s chicken look downright tasteful.