Javier Bardem In The Live Action Version Of ‘The Little Mermaid’ Was Both Disturbing And Entrancing

Like most Americans, I was introduced to the super intense and low-key hilarious Spanish actor Javier Bardem in the excellent Coen brothers adaptation of No Country For Old Men. There was one person on the role who could make someone with that monk-ish haircut look foreboding, and that person was Javier Bardem.

He ended up in a bunch of other films quickly after everyone realized this guy was super watchable, including one where he met his wife Penelope Cruz, a James Bond movie, and a Alejandro González Iñárritu flick. That’s not a bad run. He was also absolutely hilarious in the Dune movies as a character who is basically your most conspiracy-brained uncle on Facebook. That is not how I read it in the book, exactly, but it works.

A few years ago I saw that he was going to be King Triton in the live action version of The Little Mermaid, and while I don’t think any previously animated Disney film ever needs to be live action, my kid wanted to see it and I figured what the hell. It was nicht gut, and the only redeeming quality was that the director, Rob Marshall, kept cutting to these bizarre closeups of a super intense Javier Bardem.

This is all to say that mermaids are better animated, as are mermen. Or maybe they’re better illustrated in general. I say this because A.Barth commented on today’s truly crappy SBSD with this:

Lumina, please, he said quietly.

The mileage is quite low for the age of the car, and a full detail – including steam-cleaning of the seats – would likely bring the interior back around.

The exterior? That’s easy: knock off any remaining paint (shouldn’t take long), treat all surfaces with a rust converter and/or primer as appropriate, and spray everything in rattle-can bedliner.

Now you can do car things for the next ten years without too many worries

According to Elighh, there might be some worries, friend:

“Shouldn’t take long” made me laugh out loud, seriously.

I had a ’91 Caravan that had my wife thinking it was suddenly autumn when its paint was coming off in big leaf-like flakes. She mentioned it needing paint in the presence of our niece, who then asked, “What are you going to paint on it, Auntie B?”

And that’s how I came to be driving around in a minivan with dolphins, fish and mermaids on it. Including a larger-than-life bare-breasted mermaid on the roof. The niece painted her. She was quite proud of her.

Sweetie said, “Honey, don’t you think that’s a little…much? She’s going to be a distraction to people driving, I don’t know, big trucks.” Getting the mermaid’s breasts even had been a challenge, making one bigger to catch up to the other – oops, too big, over and over – in alternating succession until Honey was satisfied.

Honey: “They’re grownups, they can handle it.” She was a very practical child. Now she’s a very practical mom. I’m quite proud of her.

Later we realized, mostly by hoots and pointing, that kids in school buses were distracted by the mermaid too.

Unlike The Little Mermaid, I would pay to see that.