Like most Americans, I was introduced to the super intense and low-key hilarious Spanish actor Javier Bardem in the excellent Coen brothers adaptation of No Country For Old Men. There was one person on the role who could make someone with that monk-ish haircut look foreboding, and that person was Javier Bardem.
He ended up in a bunch of other films quickly after everyone realized this guy was super watchable, including one where he met his wife Penelope Cruz, a James Bond movie, and a Alejandro González Iñárritu flick. That’s not a bad run. He was also absolutely hilarious in the Dune movies as a character who is basically your most conspiracy-brained uncle on Facebook. That is not how I read it in the book, exactly, but it works.
A few years ago I saw that he was going to be King Triton in the live action version of The Little Mermaid, and while I don’t think any previously animated Disney film ever needs to be live action, my kid wanted to see it and I figured what the hell. It was nicht gut, and the only redeeming quality was that the director, Rob Marshall, kept cutting to these bizarre closeups of a super intense Javier Bardem.
This is all to say that mermaids are better animated, as are mermen. Or maybe they’re better illustrated in general. I say this because A.Barth commented on today’s truly crappy SBSD with this:
Lumina, please, he said quietly.
The mileage is quite low for the age of the car, and a full detail – including steam-cleaning of the seats – would likely bring the interior back around.
The exterior? That’s easy: knock off any remaining paint (shouldn’t take long), treat all surfaces with a rust converter and/or primer as appropriate, and spray everything in rattle-can bedliner.
Now you can do car things for the next ten years without too many worries
According to Elighh, there might be some worries, friend:
“Shouldn’t take long” made me laugh out loud, seriously.
I had a ’91 Caravan that had my wife thinking it was suddenly autumn when its paint was coming off in big leaf-like flakes. She mentioned it needing paint in the presence of our niece, who then asked, “What are you going to paint on it, Auntie B?”
And that’s how I came to be driving around in a minivan with dolphins, fish and mermaids on it. Including a larger-than-life bare-breasted mermaid on the roof. The niece painted her. She was quite proud of her.
Sweetie said, “Honey, don’t you think that’s a little…much? She’s going to be a distraction to people driving, I don’t know, big trucks.” Getting the mermaid’s breasts even had been a challenge, making one bigger to catch up to the other – oops, too big, over and over – in alternating succession until Honey was satisfied.
Honey: “They’re grownups, they can handle it.” She was a very practical child. Now she’s a very practical mom. I’m quite proud of her.
Later we realized, mostly by hoots and pointing, that kids in school buses were distracted by the mermaid too.
Unlike The Little Mermaid, I would pay to see that.
How can you tease this awesome mermaid van and not provide any pics? Surely at least the paying members should have access to this automotive porn?
Javier Bardem met Penelope Cruz way before whatever Hollywood films they were in. They were in Jamòn Jamòn together in 1992 for example, which is excellent.
We couldn’t make it 5 minutes into that movie. They ruined Flounder.
I don’t know that there’s ever been a scarier depiction of a completely evil human than Bardem in No Country. (Maybe Mitchum in Cape Fear?) Anton Chigurh almost doesn’t seem human; he’s more like some sort of unstoppable demon. Fortunately, I would guess that most of the target audience for a Little Mermaid film will not have been forever scarred by having watched No Country for Old Men.
Funny you should mention Cape Fear; Javier Bardem plays Cady in the latest AppleTV remake. It’s exactly as terrifying as you imagine.
Really want to watch it but time doesn’t allow right now. Looks really, REALLY intense. Bardem is such a good actor.
He’s very good in it. It’s a bit of a different vibe than the films but it’s worth your time. It’s a new episode every week like the old days, so you’re not far behind.
Going to have to catch up in a few weeks. Thanks for the tip.
He’s a great actor – especially in some of Pedro Almodóvars films.
I try to be a reasonable merman, but everyone at Disney who decided to hide those nips from paying audiences is a damn coward.
Well … If you had the laser disc and played it frame by frame…. Not everyone at Disney was riding the coward bus that day.
Also, the original VHS Box Art was quite something to behold…
My parents owned video stores back in the day. I believe we have that box art in a frame.
That is amazing!
To be clear, I am specifically addressing the crime of making a live action remake with an inexplicably non-topless King Triton.
I thought this was America.
Oops. I went off in another direction. Call it a slip. Ok. You’re right, and Javier’s body of work makes it clear it was a silly choice.
That story would make a better movie than the live action little mermaid. Have you thought of getting a wrap of the van for your nieces school delivery car and attach some day when doing school pickup? Maybe stating the school is adults they can deal with it.
I suggest coming up with a reason to borrow it, get it wrapped, deliver it after dark and hope she doesn’t recognize it before drop off.
…if ever a comment needed a link to a pic !!!!!
(… still waiting for theAutopian--> to allow embedded pics in comments. Let the chaos begin!).
I have five thousand pictures of a giant ginger cat on my phone and I ain’t afraid to use them!
Cat pics are nice, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for pics of the choir director.
The choir director’s response to the mermaid and Honey’s offer to make her masterpiece more “correct” was probably my favorite part of this story.
I’d settle for a response why or what it would take by now?