Technology, when used well, gives us the ability to amplify and enhance the sorts of tasks we’re capable of doing. My waterwheel-powered trip hammer, for example has saved me so much time and effort when it comes to hammering and pulverizing stuff. It’s a life-changer! In that way, I think we can consider the Chinese and Australian/Asia-market Mazda CX-6e a similar sort of game changer, but this one enhances a human’s ability to do something much more important: scream profanity at other people while driving.
We don’t get this particular Mazda here in America, but the CX-6e is sold in China (where it’s called the EZ-60) and is based on the Changan EPA1 platform. It’s available as an EREV or a pure battery-electric vehicle. The Australian market version comes with 78 kWh battery pack, and was launched earlier this year.
It’s Mazda’s first electric SUV, and it seems like a nice enough machine. It makes about 255 hp from its rear-mounted electric motor and has a range of 484 k/300 miles, but that’s based on the often more optimistic WLTP range test. It’s a modern EV SUV, and looks the part and all that. But that stuff is boring. I’m here to talk about its most notable feature, which is part of the sound system:
An external, front-mounted speaker! So, what exactly do they mean when they say it “provides atmospheric sound for outdoor moments?” Does it play your personal theme song when you roll up somewhere? Does it make growling sounds to intimidate your prey? What’s it for?
Well, to listen to some of the Australian outlets that have reviewed the car, it seems to be best suited to shouting profanity at people:
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Seriously, this seems to be the conclusion everyone leapt to, and understandably so. Here’s another:
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…and one more:
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What’s especially interesting is that you have the option of just typing in what you want the system to say, and it will say that, in a very professional-sounding synthesized female voice, or you can actually record your own voice and say whatever, which kind of makes it like a 21st-century take on the legendary Mr.Microphone:
Man, there’s so much to unpack in that famous, “Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!” part of the ad. First, how the hell did they get five people in a Mercedes-Benz 450SL? That was a tight back seat in those things! And just what the hell is Good-Lookin’ supposed to do until they get back to pick them up later? Just wait there? You know, I don’t even know if I believe that dude ever really intended to pick Good Lookin’ up later at all!
Back to the Mazda loudspeaker thing. What I think is the most interesting part about all of this is how Mazda didn’t see the need to try and censor or edit anything one may choose to say through that speaker, and that delights me. It’s how the world should be, but you know that, collectively, as a population, we can’t have nice things.
It’s sort of sweetly naïve of Mazda China to think the rest of the world will be as well-behaved as their home market, because they won’t. We won’t. Of course people are going to spew profanity through those speakers. I mean, sure, yelling for someone to fuck right off because they’re a miserable idiotic shitlozenge that clearly learned to drive at a remedial clown college on a full dipshit scholarship works, but any filthy animal could do that. This Mazda will let you call anyone around you a drooling, stinking fucksicle without even having to disrupt your perfectly-curated climate control and aural experience by rolling down a window. This is clearly the next level of abusing people verbally in traffic, and the world seems ready to embrace it.
It’s clear what the thinking was behind this system: more communication is better! You can let someone know to, say, go around you or be the first to go through an intersection without the confusing hostility of a horn honk! People always seem to believe, with beautiful optimism, that technological communication developments will lead to a utopia of understanding. Take this quote about the telegraph, from Charles F. Briggs and Augustus Maverick in their 1858 book The Story of the Telegraph:
“Of all the marvelous achievements of modern science the electric telegraph is transcendentally the greatest and most serviceable to mankind … The whole earth will be belted with the electric current, palpitating with human thoughts and emotions … How potent a power, then, is the telegraphic destined to become in the civilization of the world! This binds together by a vital cord all the nations of the earth. It is impossible that old prejudices and hostilities should longer exist, while such an instrument has been created for an exchange of thought between all the nations of the earth.”
Sadly, of course, even with the communicative power of the telegraph, those old prejudices and hostilities absolutely did continue to exist, and, let’s be honest, even flourish. The ability to communicate better and faster with other people did not solve all our problems, because jerks still exist.
And jerks still do. And they buy cars. And they may buy these Mazdas, and they may then use the “External Announcement” feature to tell you, from across an intersection, that they’re on their way to bone your mom.
My guess is that before too long, a software update will hamstring this fun feature, and all the good words will be banned. Maybe it’ll automatically bleep out your own recorded messages, if they even still allow them. I suspect some AI could identify profanity in a recorded sound file. Will they also prevent loud, booming fart sounds or burps? Will there be anything worth using this thing for after its inevitable bowdlerization?
Who knows. I’m both delighted and ashamed of how immediate the realization was that this can be used to shout profanity. This is the fundamental paradox of humanity. Our best and worst traits, all mixed together. No wonder we never know what the hell we’re doing.
Top graphic image: Mazda
Shut up and take my money!
Are “selective software updates” a thing in cars?
Fine. But if someone says, “Newlyweds, buy us a drink!” I get to hit them.
Is this what they call Auto-Tune? A way to tune people up from your auto?
Due to the weird weather, someone’s extraction licence (wrong aquifer, dipshit) and other stuff my trip hammer is now steam powered.
It is a useful thing, custom leaf springs and the like.
oh man, so good and so bad to have something like this. sometimes a good honking just doesn’t quite do it.
The Blues Brothers did it 1st and did it better.
Even in the finest, politest, better angle mythical neighborhoods, it will only cause delays. “Please do go ahead”.
“Madam, I consider myself a gentleman, and must insist you go first.”
Jack asses exist with or with out this. In fact they always existed and are unlikely to go away until we have a method of informing them they are in fact Jack asses. I have known many jackasses who didn’t know they were jackasses until I informed them. With the wussifying of society and safe spaces jackasses are in a safe space. We need to inform them they are jackasses.
Insert red foreman meme here
I often find myself channeling Otto in a Fish Called Wanda:
https://clip.cafe/a-fish-called-wanda-1988/crash-asshole/
Now I can do it in a modern EV!
Try watching that 70s show much better
For years I’ve been threatening to put a CB in my car with a PA speaker for this exact reason.
I love it. The 1st thing I thought of was Mr Microphone. But really use a male American voice for profanity. A cultured English accent to put on over on a wanker. Maybe even translate what we say to more appropriate message. But a female voice for profanity? That is like using Mike Tysons voice to go after someone instead of his fists.
I had a disagreement with my sister-in-law about whether screaming at dipshits who can’t hear you is road rage or not.
I contend that it’s just stress relief, and road rage only happens when the wilfully blind moron hears you describing them as such.
Also I now use the same hand waving gesture to say both “thanks” and “go fuck yourself”. They don’t know it, but I do, and what I need, even more that to educate crusty spunkerchiefs about their terrible driving, is to release a bit of anger.
I have noticed a few trucks (always trucks) that have a crappy externally mounted speaker so the driver can share whatever he (always he) is listening to with the rest of the world.
My first thought was “I need this!”. My second thought was “How quickly would I get myself shot?”.
Yeah, just what we needed, another way to get people to shoot at us.
Beyond this hilarious feature, this car is a really striking design in person – especially in that purple color.
They really have made it stand out in a sea of boring crossovers.
Unfortunately, it’s a pretty middle of the road EV underneath, with very “meh” specs – although RWD is appreciated. No dual-motor AWD is a miss.
I hope it does well here in Aus because I like looking at it.