As you’ve likely heard, Elon Musk, the CEO of electric carmaker Tesla, The Boring Company, SpaceX, and occasional vendor of hot pants, absurdly overpriced booze, and flame throwers, has purchased the global short-paragraph broadcasting service known as Twitter for a sum of $44 billion, even though my friend’s brother knows a guy who could have gotten it for him at like, half that. More interesting, though, are reports obtained by Autopian spy drones suggesting that Tesla’s Full Self-Driving (FSD) Beta technology will be repurposed into an advanced automated Twitter experience known as Full Self-Tweeting (FST) Beta.
Autopian spy drones, each weighing no more than four to six portable typewriters and powered by a 3 horsepower Harbor Freight 79cc Predator gasoline engine, have infiltrated the tents being set up in the parking lot of Tesla’s Fremont plant that have been acting as Twitter’s new interim head offices. Flying at near-kneecap levels, the drones recorded audio that, if correctly interpreted over the rather substantial drone of those engines, suggests that a significant portion of Tesla’s AI team has been re-directed to FST Beta development.
Tesla has already stated that it thinks a road-driving automation system is a suitable basis for a humanoid robot that will walk in-and outdoors, so adapting FSD tech to Tweeting isn’t really such a big leap.
Twitter’s new FST system is expected to include an FSD Beta-derived vision/camera-based object-identification system that will be able to use your computer or smartphone’s camera to read facial cues on your (presumably human) face and interpret those to identify when you are ready to tweet. The FST Beta’s algorithms can interpret the Tweet’s urgency, on a scale that ranges from I-just-saw-a-funny-sign-I-want-to-show-everyone (low urgency, 0-26%) all the way to to someone-has-a-wrong-opinion-on-a-subject-I-identify-with (high urgency, 97-114%).
Tweets will be auto-constructed by FST Beta and will mine the Twitter user’s browser history to find partially-skimmed articles and quarter-watched YouTube videos so that the FST Beta system can establish a list of the subjects the Twitter user is an “expert” on, and will then use that information to find actual, degreed experts in related fields to explain fundamental concepts to or correct on basic facts via Tweets.
Currently, there is no algorithm in place to admit when the user has made a mistake, nor are there any plans to develop one.
FST Beta can also scan current trending topics/social issues and, if necessary, alter user profile pictures accordingly. More advanced FST Beta capabilities that appear to be under development include auto-generation of fake Wordle scores (3 guesses or fewer only); AI-generated seemingly-impressive statements that can be described as “weird flexes”; the ability for FST Beta to generate “some personal news” that references AI-developed career changes; @-ing brands and companies with procedurally-generated claims about poor customer service, business practices, or both; a system that comes up with AI-modified selfies that can be considered “cute,” while the user can retain the option to “delete later.”
Also in development is a full-thread generator that can pull keyword topics from the user’s browser history, or what their Alexas overhear them discussing. As the system develops, FST Beta should provided users with at least a decent chance of becoming “Twitter’s main character” at least once per year.
It should be noted that FST Beta is what is known as a Level 2 Tweeting system, which means that the Twitter user must monitor the Tweeting Task at all times, and be ready to take over at any moment. Failure to do so could result loss of Twitter followers, loss of employment, or — worst case — cancellation, as FST Beta may do things like randomly insert racial slurs into tweets, @ unrelated famous people or corporations, insert wildly uninformed, possibly even dangerous falsehoods, and has been known to mistake the full moon for a yellow traffic light.
FST Beta will be rolled out to Twitter users who maintain Tweet Safety Scores (a to-be-released assessment algorithm that tracks tweet quality, grammatical accuracy, speed, and frequency) of 100, along with a purchase price of $6,999.
If you change computers or smartphones FST Beta is non-transferable.
Keep in mind, this is information gathered by illegal and largely fictional Autopian spy drones, and up to 100% or more of this could have been just made up by me, right now, for shits and — where applicable — giggles.