The Custom Barracuda Made For The Hamburglar Is A Wet Slap In The Face To All Decent People

Over the past month or so, there has been a lot of hype on the internet about a particularly nicely restored and retromodded 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. This Barracuda is notable because it was commissioned by McDonald’s, the organization responsible for maintaining the only living communities of whatever the suspected mammal McRibs are made from, and is themed around the persona and character of a criminal commonly known as The Hamburglar. For McDonald’s to celebrate the Hamburglar is itself baffling, and, it’s worth noting, a real slap in the face to the McCheese administration, but to actually fund and build a very fast car for the Hamburglar to use in his criminal exploits is, fundamentally, a kick in the scrotum to the rule of law. Why have they done this?

Ostensibly, McDonald’s claims this is part of some sweepstakes, which I am not going to name or mention here because if McDonald’s wants an ad on my site, they can pay me, dammit. They’re loaded. And perhaps their extreme wealth is why they seem to have become so unmoored from reality and common decency that they have decided to undertake this project, where they glorify one of the most despicable residents of McDonaldland, someone who has debased every ideal of the community for the past half-century.

First, I guess you deserve to look at the car, which is an impressive build, and surprisingly subtle for a restomod made for a fast food company. There’s a lot of nice details, like the between-the-seats dual burger warmer, the dual “robble” badges on the shaker hood, and the subtle color scheme.

The Burgercuda, as it’s known, was designed by Sean Smith, who can be seen here, posing alongside the Hamburglar himself:

 

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This is all, of course, appalling to anyone with even the slightest shred of dignity. The Hamburglar is a criminal, an agent of chaos and negativity, one who has committed the same basic crimes since 1971 and yet that crime defies all logic. Why just steal hamburgers? If he’s just trying to feed himself, that’s tragic, but the volumes of burgers stolen make this justification highly unlikely. If he’s attempting to sell the burgers at a profit, that’s also unlikely, as even if he had buyers lined up ahead of time, the viable lifespan to sell a rapidly-cooling burger is very tiny, and the price he can command per burger is inherently limited, as it must be cheaper than a new, fresh McDonald’s burger that is not actual stolen property in order for it to have any marketable appeal.

I do have to say the burger-shaped taillights – which are the stock shape, just recolored here to be more burgery (red in middle, amber top and bottom) – are quite nice. It’s actually a very well-done restomod.

It’s possible that the motivations of the crimes aren’t for subsistence or financial reasons; the Hamburglar’s former companion and fellow one-product-obsessed piracy practitioner/larcenist (in this case, Filet-O-Fish sandwiches) Captain Crook, has reportedly stated that Hamburglar’s obsession with hamburgers had a strong sexual component, but this has never been conclusively proven.

Captain Crook disappeared sometime in the 1980s, and has not been heard from since. Most McDonaldland scholars agree the reasons are likely due to his having compromising information about the Hamburglar. You can see Crook and the Hamburglar (in tie) in this rare photo of them both, together, along with Mayor McCheese, the being known as Grimace, Big Mac, head of McDonaldland’s law enforcement and known to be either completely bought off or wildly incompetent, an elderly man surrounded by small, shaggy beings, possibly the sources of McRib meat, and a local clown:

The Hamburglar may also be a demonic being of some sort, as there is evidence he ages backwards; initial appearances in 1971 showed the Hamburglar to be an old man, sallow and gaunt, with a very prominent nose and massive nostrils:

Somehow, later appearances show the Hamburgular to be a chubby, youthful, childlike figure, a ginger-haired, with an almost cherubic look:

Clearly, something very unholy is at work here.

Does anything about this being suggest that they are someone to be trusted with the considerable might of a V8 Barracuda? I sure as hell don’t think so. The very presence of the Hamburglar in McDonaldland and the unincorporated areas surrounding McDonaldland were a continual source of embarassment to the McCheese administration and its head, Mayor Ebenezer Kennedy-Rockefeller McCheese.

At no point during McCheese’s term was the Hamburglar’s reign of terror abated, even slightly; it’d be more accurate to say he thrived, and his illegal activities, while limited to burger theft, trafficking, and, again unsubstantiated burger sexual abuse claims, were a massive thorn in the side to McDonaldland residents.

There are those who maintain that the Hamburglar is a Robin Hood-like figure, stealing burgers from the massive McDonald’s corporation in what is effectively a victimless crime. I’d be more inclined to believe this if there were any evidence whatsoever that the Hamburglar was distributing the stolen burgers to poor and/or hungry people, but there are no known records of any such incidents occurring. All evidence suggests the Hamburglar’s motives were entirely and unwaveringly selfish.

The Burgcuda was a mistake, and I would implore the McDonald’s corporation to attempt to reclaim the car from the Hamburglar before he can use it to cause real harm which he, if given the chance, assuredly will.

This build should never have happened. If anything, the Baracuda should have been restored with a Jack-In-The-Box theme, as Jack is a worthy recipient, if only for this old commercial:

McDonald’s, please make this right. Before someone gets hurt.