Home » The Custom Barracuda Made For The Hamburglar Is A Wet Slap In The Face To All Decent People

The Custom Barracuda Made For The Hamburglar Is A Wet Slap In The Face To All Decent People

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Over the past month or so, there has been a lot of hype on the internet about a particularly nicely restored and retromodded 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. This Barracuda is notable because it was commissioned by McDonald’s, the organization responsible for maintaining the only living communities of whatever the suspected mammal McRibs are made from, and is themed around the persona and character of a criminal commonly known as The Hamburglar. For McDonald’s to celebrate the Hamburglar is itself baffling, and, it’s worth noting, a real slap in the face to the McCheese administration, but to actually fund and build a very fast car for the Hamburglar to use in his criminal exploits is, fundamentally, a kick in the scrotum to the rule of law. Why have they done this?

Ostensibly, McDonald’s claims this is part of some sweepstakes, which I am not going to name or mention here because if McDonald’s wants an ad on my site, they can pay me, dammit. They’re loaded. And perhaps their extreme wealth is why they seem to have become so unmoored from reality and common decency that they have decided to undertake this project, where they glorify one of the most despicable residents of McDonaldland, someone who has debased every ideal of the community for the past half-century.

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First, I guess you deserve to look at the car, which is an impressive build, and surprisingly subtle for a restomod made for a fast food company. There’s a lot of nice details, like the between-the-seats dual burger warmer, the dual “robble” badges on the shaker hood, and the subtle color scheme.

The Burgercuda, as it’s known, was designed by Sean Smith, who can be seen here, posing alongside the Hamburglar himself:

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A post shared by Sean Smith (@seansmithdesigns)

This is all, of course, appalling to anyone with even the slightest shred of dignity. The Hamburglar is a criminal, an agent of chaos and negativity, one who has committed the same basic crimes since 1971 and yet that crime defies all logic. Why just steal hamburgers? If he’s just trying to feed himself, that’s tragic, but the volumes of burgers stolen make this justification highly unlikely. If he’s attempting to sell the burgers at a profit, that’s also unlikely, as even if he had buyers lined up ahead of time, the viable lifespan to sell a rapidly-cooling burger is very tiny, and the price he can command per burger is inherently limited, as it must be cheaper than a new, fresh McDonald’s burger that is not actual stolen property in order for it to have any marketable appeal.

Cuda Rear

I do have to say the burger-shaped taillights – which are the stock shape, just recolored here to be more burgery (red in middle, amber top and bottom) – are quite nice. It’s actually a very well-done restomod.

It’s possible that the motivations of the crimes aren’t for subsistence or financial reasons; the Hamburglar’s former companion and fellow one-product-obsessed piracy practitioner/larcenist (in this case, Filet-O-Fish sandwiches) Captain Crook, has reportedly stated that Hamburglar’s obsession with hamburgers had a strong sexual component, but this has never been conclusively proven.

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Captain Crook disappeared sometime in the 1980s, and has not been heard from since. Most McDonaldland scholars agree the reasons are likely due to his having compromising information about the Hamburglar. You can see Crook and the Hamburglar (in tie) in this rare photo of them both, together, along with Mayor McCheese, the being known as Grimace, Big Mac, head of McDonaldland’s law enforcement and known to be either completely bought off or wildly incompetent, an elderly man surrounded by small, shaggy beings, possibly the sources of McRib meat, and a local clown:

Mcdonaldlandchrs

The Hamburglar may also be a demonic being of some sort, as there is evidence he ages backwards; initial appearances in 1971 showed the Hamburglar to be an old man, sallow and gaunt, with a very prominent nose and massive nostrils:

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Somehow, later appearances show the Hamburgular to be a chubby, youthful, childlike figure, a ginger-haired, with an almost cherubic look:

Clearly, something very unholy is at work here.

Does anything about this being suggest that they are someone to be trusted with the considerable might of a V8 Barracuda? I sure as hell don’t think so. The very presence of the Hamburglar in McDonaldland and the unincorporated areas surrounding McDonaldland were a continual source of embarassment to the McCheese administration and its head, Mayor Ebenezer Kennedy-Rockefeller McCheese.

Mccheese

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At no point during McCheese’s term was the Hamburglar’s reign of terror abated, even slightly; it’d be more accurate to say he thrived, and his illegal activities, while limited to burger theft, trafficking, and, again unsubstantiated burger sexual abuse claims, were a massive thorn in the side to McDonaldland residents.

There are those who maintain that the Hamburglar is a Robin Hood-like figure, stealing burgers from the massive McDonald’s corporation in what is effectively a victimless crime. I’d be more inclined to believe this if there were any evidence whatsoever that the Hamburglar was distributing the stolen burgers to poor and/or hungry people, but there are no known records of any such incidents occurring. All evidence suggests the Hamburglar’s motives were entirely and unwaveringly selfish.

Interior Burger

The Burgcuda was a mistake, and I would implore the McDonald’s corporation to attempt to reclaim the car from the Hamburglar before he can use it to cause real harm which he, if given the chance, assuredly will.

This build should never have happened. If anything, the Baracuda should have been restored with a Jack-In-The-Box theme, as Jack is a worthy recipient, if only for this old commercial:

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McDonald’s, please make this right. Before someone gets hurt.

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Jblues
Jblues
1 month ago

an elderly man surrounded by small, shaggy beings, possibly the sources of McRib meat, and a local clown:

Those are the Fry Guys.

Lotsofchops
Lotsofchops
1 month ago

Torch this is ridiculous. Obviously that’s not the SAME Hamburglar. You see it all the time in comic books, it’s the passing of the mantle. Think Barry Allen to Wally West; Bruce Wayne to Terry McGinnis.

Jake Harsha
Jake Harsha
1 month ago

Pretty sure those McRib donors were called the “Fry Guys.”

Industrial_design_guy
Industrial_design_guy
1 month ago

How does a purple blob become an idea for a mascot that gets the green light from all the decision makers? Maybe they saw the Barbapapa?

21CenturySchizoidMan
21CenturySchizoidMan
1 month ago

Those 70’s McDonald’s adds are terrible! Did those actually make people want to eat their food???

Myk El
Myk El
1 month ago

Just be mindful, nothing can kill the Grimace.

Musicman27
Musicman27
1 month ago

That “Jack-In-The-Box” Ad is just pure genius. I wish there were more ads like it lol.

Rich Hobbs
Rich Hobbs
1 month ago

I heard it’s $18 for a Big Mac Combo Meal now! WTH? No thanks! Had a awesome breakfast special at my fave eatery for $16.95! Couldn’t eat it all. Had leftovers for dinner! LOL ????

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
1 month ago

It’s shit like this that put The Autopian over XM radio during the last round of domestic budget cuts. You can’t get hard-hitting shit like this on XM that’s for sure.

Tap-n-Die And Some WD-40
Tap-n-Die And Some WD-40
1 month ago

Not sure of your music tastes, but I started listening to KEXP via their streaming app as my satellite radio replacement. Haven’t looked back.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
1 month ago

KEXP is excellent.

I live in an area with a solid station (WEQX) that I occasionally listen to. I also have a Spotify subscription so that works too.

I still have XM active but I’m ready to cancel once the intro rate is up lol. I like it, but I don’t exactly need it.

Industrial_design_guy
Industrial_design_guy
1 month ago

Haven’t listened to them in so long, had completely forgotten about them. I discovered so much new music listening to KEXP in the late 2000’s

Andrew Bugenis
Andrew Bugenis
1 month ago

I came here ready to defend a fun restomod and was confronted with… well, I should have looked at the byline, is all I’m saying. (This is all said in the best way possible.)

Robot Turds
Robot Turds
1 month ago

Weird factoid: McDonalds was sued by Sid and Marty Kroft because the original McDonaldland as well as some characters like Mayor McCheese were rip-offs of their show, H. R. PuffnStuff and the Krofts won.

MATTinMKE
MATTinMKE
1 month ago

I’ve never had a Jack-in-the-Box, but after watching that commercial, I feel as though now I must.

Toecutter
Toecutter
1 month ago

I find it even more appalling that people willingly consume McFood pimped out to them by a McClown.

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
1 month ago

We know the Hamburgler doesn’t steal to eat. Not when he takes burgers by the platter. We also know he doesn’t need the money, because anyone who can afford to buy and restomod a Barracuda has money to burn. That leaves us with the only other reason people commit crimes.

It’s a sex thing. I suspect he takes more than he needs so he can arrange the other burgers around the room, forcing them to watch. The sick bastard needs an audience.

Thomas Metcalf
Thomas Metcalf
1 month ago

Wow, Torch! I never expected you to be taken in by the propaganda of the McCheese administration. Wake up, man! McCheese and his enforcer, Grimace, run McDonald land with an iron fist. Their corruption knows no bounds, they commit atrocities on a regular basis. The Hamburglar doesn’t steal for greed or profit, he does it for the starving children with dangerously low cholesterol levels. Hamburglar is a modern-day Robin Hood that McCheese has branded a criminal.

Wake up Sheeple!!!

LuzifersLicht
LuzifersLicht
1 month ago

Clearly, something very unholy is at work here.

As the local representative of hell I want to state for the record that we have nothing to do with this. Maybe somebody from over at R’Lyeh can chime in to say whether or not this is a Cthulhu kind of situation?

Last edited 1 month ago by LuzifersLicht
AC2DE
AC2DE
1 month ago

[Puts on tinfoil hat. Eyes go a little too wide.] Don’t you see it?? Wake up, Sheeple! The Hamburglar WORKS FOR MAYOR McCHEESE! The good Mayor secretly knows he isn’t up to the job of leading his fair city, so he uses the Hamburglar to distract the citizens from noticing the rampant embezzlement and cronyism in City Hall! YOU CAN’T KEEP THIS UP FOREVER, MCCHEESE! THE TRUTH IS [muffled shouting and scuffling. A crumpled tinfoil hat falls to the floor.]

Black Peter
Black Peter
1 month ago
Reply to  AC2DE

Right? On the clown’s side you have a 700million dollar media juggernaut selling the lie, while Hamburgler is making due with a Xeroxed ‘zine he trades the Kinkos guy burgers to print.

Starhawk
Starhawk
1 month ago

Jason, with all due respect, I think you might want to talk to your docs about how strong some of your recovery meds are…

;3

Rust Buckets
Rust Buckets
1 month ago

Excellent article, but……..

The extra U in HamburgUlar in the title is a wet slap in the face to all decent people.

Crank Shaft
Crank Shaft
1 month ago

I go to McDonald’s every day for our son. I would 100% proudly drive the Burgercuda every single time if I could.

That Jack in the Box commercial really it the best thing ever.

El Barto
El Barto
1 month ago

Lolcats, man. They’re the real criminal enterprise behind the Hamburglar. Why else do you think those furry felines are always asking ICanHasCheezburger?

Austin Vail
Austin Vail
1 month ago

I have an old happy meal toy from the 70s or 80s, depicting the Hamburglar in a red 50s-style Formula 1 car. So, it would seem the Hamburglar used to drive a Ferrari with racing pedigree. On the one hand, the burger capacity of a vintage Ferrari is surely lacking. On the other hand, in all other respects the Burgercuda is likely a downgrade from what he used to drive.

Ranwhenparked
Ranwhenparked
1 month ago

Hamburglar doesn’t do what he does for financial gain or altruism, he has a compulsion to steal burgers that is rooted in the fallout from his traumatic childhood. He also defecates on the floor of public restrooms, but the McDonaldland media prefers to focus more on the kleptomania in their reporting.

05LGT
05LGT
1 month ago

It’s very pretty, but I can’t sit through that whole video. Did they at least give it ABS?

Rust Buckets
Rust Buckets
1 month ago
Reply to  05LGT

Gross, I hope not.

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