These Cost Effective Models Could Save Maserati, But Why Do They Look So Familiar?

Maserati should really be dead. No, they seriously ought to be six feet under.

In 1975, the last year under ownership by a then-ailing Citroen, they built exactly 201 cars. That’s the kind of sales figures that indicate a brand in their death throes. The next year, what remained of Maserati was bought by the legendary Alejandro De Tomaso (and the Italian government) who dramatically reversed the marque’s fortunes. His efforts ultimately resulted in tens of thousands of cars being sold and saving the storied name for generations to come. Sadly, history seems to be repeating itself.

According to their US website, Maserati offers a whopping nine different models to choose from. They range from a small crossover (which, to be honest, I didn’t even know existed) up to more traditional supercar-style products.

However, last year Maserati sold only 4,819 cars in America, which was a drop from 7,697 in 2023. This a major problem for parent company Stellantis, and nobody is quite sure what the future of the brand holds.

Could some of the tricks employed by Mr. De Tomaso fifty years ago come in handy again?

Let’s Just Not Mention The Chrysler TC

Going back the heart of the disco seventies, exactly how did Alejandro De Tomaso, the maker of such exotica as the Mangusta and Pantera, turn the ailing Maserati around? Surprisingly, it was by very practical solutions to market expansion: making cars that more people would be willing and able to buy. This meant fewer toys for rich playboys and more family sedans and coupes that wealthy, mature captains of industry might want to own.

Alejandro started with restyling and rebranding his own cars like the De Tomaso Longchamp and adding a Maserati engine to replace the Ford Cleveland V8s. The resulting Kyalami coupe was not a big seller, but his luxury Quattroporte III four door sedan that followed helped to turn the tide.

Detomaso realized that the aspirational value of the Maserati name could be leveraged to attract more mainstream wealthy buyers that could afford the likes of Mercedes and higher-end BMWs. Still, Alejandro thankfully refused to “do a Cimarron” and offer a zero-substance product with the badge. In 1982 he launched the Biturbo, a small sedan about the size of an E21 3-Series with crisp styling, a gorgeous leather interior with walnut trim and an unheard-of-at-the-time twin turbocharged V6 with a fair turn of speed.

What would it cost for the privilege of telling the valet to “go get your Maserati”? Surprisingly little. Sure, around $27,000 was a chunk of change in 1982 but that would only have gotten you an E28 5-Series BMW or a slowpoke W123 diesel Mercedes taxicab. Yes, I’m well aware that the Biturbo didn’t have the reliability of the 240D, but over the 13-year lifespan of the Biturbo series they were able to sell nearly 40,000 cars. That’s a hell of a lot more than the 201 from 1975, so Alejandro De Tomaso’s efforts have to be considered a success.

Now that Maserati is seeminly on the ropes once again, what kind of products could we offer to generate more sales? Something more affordable? Maybe a totally unique vehicle? Oh, I have your sales saviors right here.

(Full disclosure: the following suggested cars were intended to be a joke, assisted by our own Thomas Hundal, but the completed products ended up being a lot more appealing than we wanted them to be. Who’d have thunk it?)

Biturbo II

With things like Audi-powered Volkswagen-platformed Lamborghini SUVs out there, the world has become rather used to high-dollar cars with humbler lineage beneath the skin. However, it’s hard to think of more egregious example today than Stellantis putting the vaunted Alfa Romeo badge onto a car that is also sold in Dodge dealers across the United States. It’s only natural then that we could take the next step and turn this same little Alfa Tonale/Dodge Hornet crossover into an affordable, entry level Maserati.

We’ll put on a new nose, different taillights, and plastic trim pieces on the rear doors to disguise the Tonale/Hornet parts before installing the signature side portholes. It’s just enough distinction to stand out, and Maseratis of late have all been blessedly subdued anyway. Intended initially as a joke, of course, but the end result really isn’t that bad.

Ah, but let’s learn from Mr. Detomaso and how he succeeded. Say what you will about his small 3-series-sized Maserati from the eighties, but it packed a punch with its bargain window sticker. Twin turbos were pure witchcraft back in 1982, and an extra turbo on the four-cylinder Tonale/Hornet powerplant would make for a solid boost of power. That Hornet is actually rather quick to begin with, so upping the horsepower on the fossil fuel engine combined with pumping up the output of the electric hybrid motors as well could result in something we really want a Maserati to be: fucking dangerous.

Supercar performance, a storied badge and a reasonable price? This new Biturbo probably won’t ever exist, but if it does and you get one, I want a ride.

Cinqoporte

Forget an AMG Mercedes G-Wagon. The ultimate performance SUV of all time combined legends from both worlds. In a hard-to-authenticate story, casino owner and classic car collector Bill Harrah supposedly requested a four-wheel-drive station wagon from Enzo Ferrari, who promptly refused. What is truly authentic is the fact that Bill took the engine, transmission and nose from his wrecked Ferrari 365GT 2+2 and installed onto a 1969 Jeep SJ Wagoneer. The resulting “Jerrari” put arguably one the greatest Ferrari V-12 motors of all time into inarguably (at least if you’re asking David Tracy) the most iconic four door SUV ever built.

Thomas Hundal requested that I do a contemporary version of this mashup; a Grand Cherokee with Maserati engine options including the “Nettuno” V6 from the MC20 supercar. Yes, I get that the Grecale is a Grand Cherokee-adjacent product, but let’s be serious: it’s not really cutting it. I didn’t even know this thing existed and I actually bought a (used) example of a car in the segment. This is Maserati, dammit! We need something with the attitude of Bill Harrah’s Jerrari.

Thomas saw this as a new Cayenne fighter, but honestly with certain tires and ride height this could really be more like the off-road-capable Cayennes of years past. Certainly, the Grand Cherokee-based Cinqoporte would be like a G-Wagon of the Maserati lineup; far more ability away from the pavement and ridiculously powerful than the brand’s current crossovers.

Best of all, that Grand Cherokee is such a high-volume product that Stellantis would be either making serious profit on it or able to sell it at a very attractive price. The Maserati nose, rocker panel trim, taillights and plastic rear quarter window cover trim to pick up on the look of other cars in the brand for a limited investment (translation: on the cheap). “That actually works pretty well” said Thomas, and I was surprised myself how natural this unholy combination came out.

We’re obviously going to have to stretch a bit to bring out the absurd angle I’m looking for in this story, and I think I have it.

Tiorano

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always dreamed about a mid- or rear-engined four-door supercar. I’ve drawn up examples that might have been built in years past by Lotus, Porsche, or even Tatra in the seventies and eighties.

Still, nobody has really pulled the trigger on this concept. Why? Well, more than likely it’s the space issue; once you put a motor back there the room for cargo and people is severely limited or compromised. That is, until now. Need a bigger vehicle where you barely know the engine is even in what could typically be considered the passenger compartment? Say no more.

Presenting the Maserati Tiorano; five spacious full-height seats with massive headroom ahead of a “Nettuno” V6 or other engine of choice just ahead of the rear axle line where the monstrous rear tires reside. Named after an Italian Alpine pass, this is one of the largest canyon-carvers you’d ever see.

The body is an, uh, existing Stellantis platform that might, might possibly have been a front wheel drive minivan, though now it looks like somebody put hydraulic jacks between the rear fenders and just wailed on the pump until the whole thing sounded like a hundred nails being dragged on a chalkboard. It’s outfitted with a Maserati-style nose and massive side panels grafted onto the flanks to encase the larger wheels and tires in a manner similar to the Renault 5 Turbo 2 and similar absurd Frankenstein rally cars of the eighties and nineties. The flares would be so large as to render the rear sliding doors useless and require suicide-style hinging.

What about all of your stuff? There’s plenty of room for cargo behind a net that prevents it from sliding forward under deceleration from the massive disc brakes. A sliding cargo floor on the engine box would let you easily load bags and push it back into the cargo hold over the engine. Need more? No problem: the sliding cargo floor could move forwards once you fold the rear seatbacks down for a massive flat surface (an additional platform could be installed for two-tier luggage space). Hey, you could camp on that, too!

Look, the MC20 is a nice, but with Lamborghinis and Ferraris out there amongst the McLarens how can your product possibly stand out? How about with a vehicle that’s more than just a fast toy. If nothing else, the Toirano would offer Maserati something that absolutely nobody else has: a supercar that can carry 4X8 sheets of plywood.

Merak-ulous Sales Drivers

Maserati needs to survive; it’s lasted for 110 years through wars and financial crisis so there’s no way that it should be allowed to disappear. Stellantis could always sell it off to some investment group that might make it into a boutique brand building a few dozen cars a year, but why? Alejandro DeTomaso let the upper middle class experience the excitement of race-bred motorcars that would typically only have been within the reach of titled nobleman (or Joe Walsh). Why go backwards?

Badge engineering is a dirty word, but if the products that result from it stay true to the mission of the brand, what’s the problem with that? These concoctions that I dreamed up are indeed rather absurd, but then so were things like the infamous Maserati “Birdcage” and the Citroen SM.

Idiotic mashups like the Biturbo II, Cinqoporte and Toirano are both idiotic and remarkably practical at the same time. If that isn’t a perfect description of what core Autopian values are, then I don’t know what is.

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