This Should Be Maserati’s Revival Plan: COTD

Some once-iconic car brands don’t have the standing in the world that they used to. Lancia sells rewarmed Chrysler products, Chrysler itself currently has only one model, Volkswagen is a shadow of what it used to be, and so on. Then there’s Maserati.

Matt wrote a Morning Dump that pointed out that Maserati is in a sort of stale position. Who Knows has an idea to bring the passion back:

I’d like to see Maserati move away from the industry trend of chasing numbers and new tech, and sort of go backwards to old school fun. It would probably alienate a lot of potential buyers though. Something along the lines of:

“Presenting the new Maserati GT cabrio, with an NA V8 and gated manual transmission:

0-60: fast enough to earn yourself plentiful speeding tickets
top speed: we don’t know, why don’t you go find out yourself (redacted by attorneys) and write a song about it
skidpad: do you really want to make your passengers vomit all over your luxury interior?

Did we test at the Nurburgring? No, instead we toured the Tuscan countryside for our development testing, going vineyard to vineyard.

Does it have software, electronics, and technology? All we did was hire a couple of teenagers to block any incoming wireless communications and auto-reply “bugger off, I’m driving my Maserati”. We also put the mandated screen for the backup camera in the passenger footwell out of spite. There are no visible screens on the dash, just finely crafted buttons.

If you do take your Maserati to a track day, and you finish dead last, but have the biggest shit-eating grin out of everyone, we have done our job correctly.

As an analogy, when we are involved in a lasagna, do we care how many calories it has or what it will make our poop look like? No, we are not German. We are Italian, all we care is that it is absolutely delicious.

Maserati- because enjoyment of life is a feeling, not a bunch of numbers in a spec sheet.”

Matt also asked about your favorite non-Ferrari Italian car. Harvey Firebirdman:

Obviously the best Italian car ever built was the Chrysler TC.

Son of Dad:

The Cadillac Allante would like a word.

V10omous hits with a solid answer:

Like many enthusiasts my age, it’s the Lamborghini Countach, and an enormous gap to anything else.

I shouldn’t have ever gotten rid of my own childhood Countach posters!

Jason wrote a Cold Start about the super-specific ad that depicts the Chevy Cavalier having just enough ground clearance to ride over a set of light bulbs on the ground. ShinyMetalAsp:

This single ride-height modification is thought to have saved as many as 7 (seven) squirrels from concussions.

Sid Bridge:

President Reagan: Ok, Mr. Smith. You have two minutes of my attention.
Roger Smith, GEO, GM: I just want to make sure you pushed through that legislation to divide highways with rows of incandescent light bulbs.
Reagan: I’m afraid we decided against it.
Smith: Dammit, Mr. President, I already paid for the ads!
Reagan: Well run them anyway. I don’t give a crap.
Smith: Ok, team! You heard the President! We’re going with the light bulb add anyway. Try to put a positive spin on it.

Have a great evening, everyone!