“Don’t let your mouth write a check your ass can’t cash!” is a taunt you’ve hopefully never heard outside of television (it originated with Flip Wilson, what?), and it always struck me as weird. It means “don’t say fighting words you can’t back up with fighting skill,” but in that case shouldn’t the saying be, “Don’t let your mouth write a check your fists can’t cash”? I can’t say I’ve ever seen a fight that involved battling buttocks, but maybe it’s a regional thing. As for check-writing and ass-cashing with cars, it’s styling that scribbles out the checks and performance that does the cashing–be it in the form of sublime handling, prodigious power, terrain-taming capability, or superior luxury swaddling. Some cars and trucks live up to the expectations set by their sheetmetal quite admirably. See virtually every supercar and most scooped and spoiler’d hot-rod versions of solid-performing sport sedans and coupes from the big brands. And Jeeps of the Wrangler persuasion, and Broncos of the not-Sport variety–with those, what you see actually is what you get. However …Â
There are plenty of cars currently for sale and many, many machines of the past that wrote some downright extravagant checks and absolutely did not deliver the cold, hard cash of a suitably exciting/capable/luxurious driving experience. Suspects that immediately spring to mind are the hobbled C3 Corvettes that were foisted onto mustachioed men and disco ladies of the mid-70s; the very sexy Bricklin SV-1 that was so slow Time‘s Dan Neil proclaimed, “This thing couldn’t outrun the Rose Bowl Parade;” and the wonderful, terrible DeLorean DMC-12. Seriously, John Z, a Peugeot/Renault/Volvo-sourced 130 horsepower SOHC V6? Sure, we know you had much bigger dreams for the DMC-12 and we get why that lump landed in there, but still–blech.
Now you tell us: which cars are most guilty of looking way more powerful, fast, or capable than they actually are?
To the comments!
VW Arteon. Big, gorgeous, pricey, and you got the 2.0T (fine in a GTI, but not.in something that size), and you liked it. Yes, one can turn up the wick, but the car was not ENOUGH enough from the factory, and I suspect that’s why it didn’t sell.
Also, the Passat with the 1.8T. At least put the 2.0T in there so it looks like you’re trying.
The Arteon is so pretty, though. The first VW I’ve ever wanted.
The Volkswagen SP2. It looks fast as fuck but it’s a frickin’ Beattle under there!
Opel GT from the 70s
I’m going to go with the Vector W8, but that’s kind of a shoddy answer. As a powerful, exotic car, it *did* deliver on the first two, but that last bit about being an actual deliverable car left a lot of people unsatisfied. Saddling it with a 3-speed automatic from the Olds Toronado was a major disappointment as well.
Lancia Scorpion. But lord do I like how it looks.
Though, the Montecarlo was both better looking and faster.
Fiero
Triumph TR-7
The Spitfire car, with an engine 24 times smaller than the Spitfire plane…
Saab Sonett
The Fiero with the 4 cylinder.
The Bagheera, all of them from all years.
-But they had pop up headlights and mid engines, so who cares? 😉
1982-1986 Toyota Celica (non-Supra). Owned one and it’s still one of my favorite cars. Just not as fast as it looked. Super fun, though!
Yeah, not super fast, but mine would chirp the tires shifting into 3rd (MT). That impressed a lot of passengers at the time.
It was a long time before or since my 1983 GT notchback 5-speed that I had a car that could turn a tire changing gears. No, it wouldn’t win any top speed challenges, but it handled like a go-kart, and it was so fun to drive.
Much as I loved my Solstice, it definitely had a much more badass styling than the I-4 could back up.
BMW i8. Looks of a supercar, with about as much power than a mid level compact luxury car. Crazy looks but only 369hp. A similar age 340xi is only like 2 tenths behind to 60 and only down like 40hp. Compared to other cars that look as crazy (488, Huracan, 570S), it’s got like 3/5th the power and performance. Compared to other cars it was priced more similar to (911 GTS, Audi R8) it’s just a bad overall package that doesn’t back up it’s looks with similar performance or experience.
It’s still a quick car tho, and with it’s CF tub it’s more setup for handling/being fun to drive. Looking at metrics doesn’t do that car justice. IMHO it’s the closest thing we have to the 1G NSX.
For a street car it’s plenty quick. It’s not a supercar. It’s a crazy looking composite street car.
It’s so pretty though
83-86 Fox Body Mustang – 175 HP from a 302 V8 with a 4 barrel carb. 0-60 7.5 seconds standing quarter 16.06 sec/87.5 mph
For reference my 2011 Camry with a 4cyl – 0-60 in 7.9 seconds, standing quarter mile 15.2
Eh…kinda. You could certainly make that argument for the early foxes, especially the ’79 pace car and ’80-81 cobra (can verify, I had the latter as a first car), but the specs that you are quoting are more from ’83/’84, not the later variants. By ’85, Ford added the roller cam, tubular exhaust “headers”, and dual exhaust which took it up to 210 HP. It did 0-60 in 6.6 and a sub 15 quarter (can verify, I owned one of these as well). The ’86 switched to EFI and dropped to 200 HP, but was a tick quicker and faster. Yeah, those numbers are mundane today, but for a car in that era, it was plenty fast.
My own ’79 Cobra 302, 2bbl would wishes it had the 4bbl and could out run my buddies 4cyl Fiero.
Can confirm. I had an ’85 GT t-top at the same time my uncle had the pace car. The quad eye will never be the pretiest mustang but it has a special olace in my heaart.
Thanks for the clarification, but I think my point remains. For as much flash and noise made by these things, I find it comical that a modern 4 cyl Camry is faster in the quarter mile ( and it is not fast). They don’t call the 80s the malaise era for nothing.
Nah, why? Fox body Mustangs don’t look fast. In fact, they look like a rental grade Escort from the same era.
https://gmauthority.com/blog/2020/12/nearly-new-1989-camaro-iroc-z-up-for-grabs-video/
3rd gen Camaro. I really love those cars I think they look sleek, fast and futuristic but the reality is that the engines were the absolute dregs of the malaise era emissions choking
I guess you could get away with a 5L V8 making all of 170hp back then. The one in the picture has 230hp instead. Hold on to your hats…
Disagree about the X1/9, though. It was never meant to be fast or look like it, and it’s a terrific sports car.
A Fiat Uno turbo swap will fix the slowness, and possibly kill you and the tree you inevitably hit.
Nah, the tree will be fine, most probably.
That C3 Vette, of course: https://www.instagram.com/p/CUdh_FvP9YR/
The 1980 model came with the same 305 as the Impala and had a two into one into two exhaust. Ick.
It was 1980. Were you there? I was there. We thought new cars would never be fast again.
And the junkyard is chock full of SBCs waiting to live their best life between the two sexiest fenders ever designed by an American automaker.
The single model year 1980 Ferrari 208 GTB/ S without the Turbo, a 155hp Ferrari that is often regarded as the slowest Ferrari ever made (not technically true as the first Ferraris are undoubtably slower, but certainly the slowest when you consider what else was on the market). They do sound good with a 2.0 V8 though.
Your ass cashes the check because you about to get your ass whooped.
“Your ass” substitutes for “you”.
“Get your ass over here!” doesn’t mean that the speaker wants the other person’s smelly backside to be nearer.
This is the correct answer. Also, any saying catches on faster if there’s mild swearing involved.
Anything with the base model engine and one of the following trim designations:
R-Line
S-Line
AMG Line
M Sport
I came here to say this! I see so many cars badged along the lines of “A180 AMG”, “M318d” etc.
Fiat x1/9
Fiat spyder
Karmann Ghia
Pontiac Fiero
Porsche 914
Pontiac Grand Am (just the name)
Renault Fuego
Renault 15/17
Peugeot 504 Cabriolet
Volvo 480
As much as I really wanted and still wish I could own one, the Fuego was a bit of a “looks the part, but really isn’t…” has there been an article written on that car in recent years? good list btw
Not specifically about the Fuego, but it did get a mention here.
The Matra Ranchero, all adventurous looks but not really a go in off-road. But it remains a beautiful car that started the SUV craze.
Rancho