I had two other cars picked out for today, but they’re kind of the same thing as yesterday only cheaper, and you know what? I feel like being weirder than that. I know I’ve said in the past, when someone complains about my choices being too far out in left field, “You should see the ones I don’t show you.” Well, today, you get to see a couple of them.
Yesterday was all about a plain car versus a fancy one, and in this case, plain didn’t stand a chance. It was the burgundy leather seats in that Mazda 929, wasn’t it? Yeah, they’re hard to resist. They’re what drew me to that car in the first place, and it would be my pick between these two as well.
Many of you said you would have been a lot more interested in the Geo Prizm with a manual transmission, and I agree with that too. The trouble is that most of the low-mileage survivors you find of cars like that are automatics. I’m not sure why. Manuals all have a gazillion miles on them and are beaten half to death. So it’s always a struggle: Do you go for the automatic in good condition, or hold out for a manual, even if it’s been ridden hard and put away wet? I’ll have to keep that in mind for a future Showdown.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you come here looking for sensible, reliable transportation, you’re in the wrong place. It’s like going to a Tool concert and expecting everything to be in 4/4 time. We don’t do that here. I try to stay away from absolute basket cases most of the time, because I’ve found they don’t play well, but if it runs and drives, it’s fair game. Both of the two vehicles I’m about to show you run and drive just fine. In fact, if you have the cash, either one of them could be in your driveway tomorrow. What would the neighbors say?
2003 Hummer H2 stretch limousine – $11,500
Engine/drivetrain: 6.0- liter OHV V8, four-speed automatic, 4WD
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. Stretch limos are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. A stretch limo Hummer crosses the line to just plain ridiculous. I mean, what more could you possibly do to make a car stand out? Paint it bubble-gum pink? Oh.
Unlike the H1, which is a civilian version of the military Hummvee, the H2 is based on General Motors’s GMT800 truck chassis. It’s powered by a 6.0-liter V8 with a four-speed automatic. Normal H2s are four-wheel-drive, and I assume this one is as well, since all the stretching occurred aft of the transfer case. The seller lists the mileage as 123,456, which is probably not accurate, just a placeholder number. But how many miles can a limo like this possibly have?
Inside, it’s actually in decent condition. I mean, I can’t tell you how many bachelorette parties have taken place back there, how many things have been spilled or otherwise deposited on the upholstery, but it looks good. Well, not good, but not trashed. I kind of like the lone red Solo cup in the image above; it gives the photo a nice, spooky, liminal feel, like those photos of abandoned shopping malls.
The Barbie’s Dream Paint Job is enough, but it also has extra chrome trim all over the place. Because of course it does. It’s a little tired-looking outside, but not actually damaged. By the way, if pink isn’t your thing, the seller also has a yellow one for sale down in Indiana for $8,500. It’s in worse shape, though.
2008 Dodge Avenger SXT – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: Probably a 2.4-liter DOHC inline-4, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Marlette, MI
Odometer reading: 300,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
The trend in recent years of doing fun stuff with cheap cars – Lemons, Gambler, and so forth – definitely has its appeal. Motorsports traditionally have been the purview of the wealthy; the old joke is that if you want to make a small fortune in auto racing, start with a large fortune. But if you can have just as much fun with a dirt-cheap beater, why wouldn’t you? I suspect that this car was built for a Gambler rally or something similar. It looks like hell, sure, but you don’t want a pretty car for such shenanigans.
The seller claims this car has 300,000 miles on it, which may or may not be true. If it is, I can make some educated guesses as to its powertrain. The Avenger SXT came standard with a 2.4-liter four-cylinder, but Chrysler’s infamous 2.7-liter V6 was optional. If it really does have that many miles on it, I highly doubt it has the V6. The seller says it “runs great and sounds even greater,” which means it’s loud as hell. It appears to have the exhaust exiting under the passenger’s side door, through a comically large tailpipe. But what has been done could be undone, if you want.
There are no photos of the interior in the ad. I’m sure we all know what that means.
If you’re going to go bombing down dirt roads, it makes sense to see where you’re going. That explains all the LED lights attached to this car. And the big brush guard makes sense, too. What I can’t explain are the giant truck towing mirrors, which look like they came from a Ford Super Duty or something. Why put those on, and not replace the missing front fender? But then again, why am I trying to apply logic to something that looks like this?
Believe it or not, there is a use case for both of these vehicles. There is a legitimate reason to spend money on both of them. One is a turn-key business opportunity (literally), and the other is a fun weekend waiting to happen. So your mission now is to dig deep, use your imagination, and come up with a reason why you would want one of them. And if you just can’t, well, wait for tomorrow, and we’ll look at a couple of more normal cars.
Avenger for me mainly because it’s cheaper. I would use it as either a rallycross vehicle or strip for parts and then crush it.
But I do find that Hummer interesting in a perverse way. But I’m not interested in starting a bachelorette/gay-bachelor limo service.
Nor am I interested in just driving this around and LOOKING like I run a bachelorette/gay-bachelor limo service.
I’m gay and offended! (JK!!) same here, I’m going to abstain from voting today in protest of such horrible choices!
As a sometimes moto lane-splitting commuter, I implore you all not to buy the Avenger.
That H2 interior takes you by surprise
I would take the Avenger and turn it into my daily for the rat race into the office. This is the ultimate appliance for commuting if there ever was one. I would also wear a Tyvek suit and a respirator until I thoroughly cleaned the interior.
“It appears to have the exhaust exiting under the passenger’s side door, through a comically large tailpipe.”
Doorpipe?
I don’t have room to park that Hummer, even if I wanted it. I’ll take the $500 Avenger (after getting $500 for scrap).
The drug dust on the H2 seats will be better quality than that found in the Avenger. So, pink monster for the ‘win’?
Tool, this is a King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard show. Good gawd. the pair give off vibes of low budget Max Max and the Schoharie, New York limo crash rolled into one.
Avenger as stated it is already ready for it to be sent on a Gambler 500 or Lemons Rally race.
Put a potty in the H2 and hit the road! #VanLife #Blessed
#/s
My first intentional NO VOTE
same I’m abstaining!
I have to admit, I’m more interested in the chopped kustom van project next to the Hummo.
But playing by Mark’s rules, I’ll take the Hummo. I live on the edge of Texas wine country (don’t laugh, there are some damn good wines being made here!) so I could probably make the $11k back in a year or two. Although I’m talking the guy way down before buying.
I’m guessing the Avenger is being sold because the owner knows it won’t make it through another Gambler.
A million years ago, I worked at the Llano Estacado winery in Lubbock, TX. My job was to stand between the corker and the labeler and put the foil caps on.
It was… not my favorite job.
As I recall, Llano Estacado made some very good wine, and was one of the pioneers in kickstarting wine making in Texas.
Came to say I’ll take the Hummer but the seller has to throw in that van.
I´d pick the Avenger. It will be cheaper to set on fire, which is what these two deserve.
Avenger I guess. At least I won’t be asked to do carpool.
And I could always tell the kids, “Avengers assemble!.” No? Oh the hell with it.
Avengers… REASSEMBLE!
Ha!, yeah very true.
How about “Avengers, some assembly required”?
Ok, I’ll stop now.
When these came out I remember reading a review suggesting its Chrysler stablemate be named the Cringer.
I read this all the way to the end, so I have to vote for something, don’t I. Crud… Ok, I’ll vote for the Hummer, for reasons.
At least you can make some money with the Hummer, although I’d make a funky RV out of it. The Dodge is tempting, but front drive. If I’m going to be banging around on dirt, I want to be able to spin the back wheels on demand.
IRL, neither. Here, the pink car that’s actually an RV but doesn’t know it yet.
I voted for the Avenger, because I’ve always wanted to do rallycross or something similar.
I would also like to add that there’s a perfectly normal looking Avenger someone is trying to sell near me for $3,400. It’s been there a month. Even used, no one wants those things.
For the prices, I vote walk.
Obviously today’s answer is both.
The Hummer will need an escort vehicle, make all the lights on the Dodge wreck flash and people will look away. By the time they can refocus the dreadful sight will be far down the road. An added advantage that the noise the escort car makes will drown out whatever sounds that are coming from the pink monstrosity.
For the money neither. If I could get the Hummer for 3 or 4k then maybe. I guess if I had to avenger.
Avenger, easily. It’s garbage, but that H2 will never be worth owning for me.
As for the truck mirrors on the Avenger, I have noticed that bizarre trend on Gambler vehicles in my area of the PNW. There’s a guy in town that daily drives a Gambler Crown Vic with the metal GMT400 truck mirrors bolted straight to the doors, which thinking about it might be the most tasteful mod done to the poor Ford.
Wow, if you didn’t want me playing just say so! A Patriot Stretch-iiiiiii mean Hummer Limo, and an Avenger that hit a deer and was turned into a Preppermobile instead of fixing or totalling it? Yikes!
At least I can store an Avenger. So that.
If I have to throw some money in the fire, I’d rather throw $1k than $11k. If the cat is still on the avenger you can at least get a few bucks back at the junkyard.
Good point.
The exhaust is routed out the passenger’s side. I’m not a gambling man, but I’m going to go with “No.”
In honor of Brewster’s Millions, “None of the Above”.
If I wanted to do a Roger Corman Mad Max movie, I’d be all in on the Dodge. I’m not a movie maker, so no thanks. I couldn’t afford to fuel the Barbie Nightmare Slummer Hummer.
Jesus god. For $1,000, you can get a highly competent bicycle for commuting (and that’s a really great price point if it’s for that; I wouldn’t go below $700 or $800). For $10,500, you can get either one *extremely* nice bicycle, or a merely very nice bicycle and a $6,000 car for the days when the weather is too crappy to ride to work.
Either way is a better way to spend you money, and you’ll probably have enough left over for a gallon of gas and a box of matches.