I had two other cars picked out for today, but they’re kind of the same thing as yesterday only cheaper, and you know what? I feel like being weirder than that. I know I’ve said in the past, when someone complains about my choices being too far out in left field, “You should see the ones I don’t show you.” Well, today, you get to see a couple of them.
Yesterday was all about a plain car versus a fancy one, and in this case, plain didn’t stand a chance. It was the burgundy leather seats in that Mazda 929, wasn’t it? Yeah, they’re hard to resist. They’re what drew me to that car in the first place, and it would be my pick between these two as well.
Many of you said you would have been a lot more interested in the Geo Prizm with a manual transmission, and I agree with that too. The trouble is that most of the low-mileage survivors you find of cars like that are automatics. I’m not sure why. Manuals all have a gazillion miles on them and are beaten half to death. So it’s always a struggle: Do you go for the automatic in good condition, or hold out for a manual, even if it’s been ridden hard and put away wet? I’ll have to keep that in mind for a future Showdown.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you come here looking for sensible, reliable transportation, you’re in the wrong place. It’s like going to a Tool concert and expecting everything to be in 4/4 time. We don’t do that here. I try to stay away from absolute basket cases most of the time, because I’ve found they don’t play well, but if it runs and drives, it’s fair game. Both of the two vehicles I’m about to show you run and drive just fine. In fact, if you have the cash, either one of them could be in your driveway tomorrow. What would the neighbors say?
2003 Hummer H2 stretch limousine – $11,500
Engine/drivetrain: 6.0- liter OHV V8, four-speed automatic, 4WD
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. Stretch limos are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. A stretch limo Hummer crosses the line to just plain ridiculous. I mean, what more could you possibly do to make a car stand out? Paint it bubble-gum pink? Oh.
Unlike the H1, which is a civilian version of the military Hummvee, the H2 is based on General Motors’s GMT800 truck chassis. It’s powered by a 6.0-liter V8 with a four-speed automatic. Normal H2s are four-wheel-drive, and I assume this one is as well, since all the stretching occurred aft of the transfer case. The seller lists the mileage as 123,456, which is probably not accurate, just a placeholder number. But how many miles can a limo like this possibly have?
Inside, it’s actually in decent condition. I mean, I can’t tell you how many bachelorette parties have taken place back there, how many things have been spilled or otherwise deposited on the upholstery, but it looks good. Well, not good, but not trashed. I kind of like the lone red Solo cup in the image above; it gives the photo a nice, spooky, liminal feel, like those photos of abandoned shopping malls.
The Barbie’s Dream Paint Job is enough, but it also has extra chrome trim all over the place. Because of course it does. It’s a little tired-looking outside, but not actually damaged. By the way, if pink isn’t your thing, the seller also has a yellow one for sale down in Indiana for $8,500. It’s in worse shape, though.
2008 Dodge Avenger SXT – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: Probably a 2.4-liter DOHC inline-4, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Marlette, MI
Odometer reading: 300,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
The trend in recent years of doing fun stuff with cheap cars – Lemons, Gambler, and so forth – definitely has its appeal. Motorsports traditionally have been the purview of the wealthy; the old joke is that if you want to make a small fortune in auto racing, start with a large fortune. But if you can have just as much fun with a dirt-cheap beater, why wouldn’t you? I suspect that this car was built for a Gambler rally or something similar. It looks like hell, sure, but you don’t want a pretty car for such shenanigans.
The seller claims this car has 300,000 miles on it, which may or may not be true. If it is, I can make some educated guesses as to its powertrain. The Avenger SXT came standard with a 2.4-liter four-cylinder, but Chrysler’s infamous 2.7-liter V6 was optional. If it really does have that many miles on it, I highly doubt it has the V6. The seller says it “runs great and sounds even greater,” which means it’s loud as hell. It appears to have the exhaust exiting under the passenger’s side door, through a comically large tailpipe. But what has been done could be undone, if you want.
There are no photos of the interior in the ad. I’m sure we all know what that means.
If you’re going to go bombing down dirt roads, it makes sense to see where you’re going. That explains all the LED lights attached to this car. And the big brush guard makes sense, too. What I can’t explain are the giant truck towing mirrors, which look like they came from a Ford Super Duty or something. Why put those on, and not replace the missing front fender? But then again, why am I trying to apply logic to something that looks like this?
Believe it or not, there is a use case for both of these vehicles. There is a legitimate reason to spend money on both of them. One is a turn-key business opportunity (literally), and the other is a fun weekend waiting to happen. So your mission now is to dig deep, use your imagination, and come up with a reason why you would want one of them. And if you just can’t, well, wait for tomorrow, and we’ll look at a couple of more normal cars.
The Dodge Avenger was a great car, except for having to remove the left front wheel, and inner fender liner, just to get to the Battery.
Neither is one I would ever want to be seen in, but the Avenger could be fun to hoon around on the family farm after wheat harvest. At night. With those LEDs. I said I didn’t want to be identifiably seen.
I’ll take the avenger, the 1st kid is going to need a 1st car and this is within the budget if I thighten my belt.
“What I can’t explain are the giant truck towing mirrors, which look like they came from a Ford Super Duty or something. “
Following the owner’s good taste, it’s clear they went full Mopar or No Car treatment so they sourced the side mirrors from a Ram HD truck
Ick to both to be honest. They were both good examples of the position we are in as shaven apes.
No, just no. Both are far too NOKD for me.
Oh hey! It’s a game of FMK with no matrimonial option.
No question which column the Hummer fits in. The different degrees of shininess on those seats directly relate to whether a given charter favored silicone- or water-based personal lubricants.
The Avenger with Gambler vibes is a more built version of the “kill cars” I still see out in the country: some hand-me-down beater safe enough to jump over berms or roll down canal banks but definitely not nice enough to care about. If you see a bunch of teens out in the boonies driving a thrashed Buick by leaning out to look past the dirty, caved-in windshield, you’ve seen a kill car.
I chose the Avenger. At an eleventh the price, it’s twice as nice. And parking for an orgy limo is hard to find.
First I was going to nope out because really who wants either of these pieces of crap?
Then I was team Hummer for a minute, because it might be fun to throw a bunch of friends in the back and go hooning around.
But then I saw the brush guard and “tail”pipe on the Avenger, and I knew there was only one correct answer.
I have never wanted a “neither” button more than today,but since we all play by the rules here I will vote for the Avenger because it’s cheaper.
Avenger, head to Vermont. Have fun until physics takes the wheel..
Nope nope nope. The missing metal on the Avenger means I’ll get even less for it at the scrapyard, and the inside of that Hummer probably stores more pathogens than the CDC. I also suspect the Hummer’s structure is compromised between the stretch and however many years of Michigan winters it has worked through.
I’m going to have to invoke the “light the smaller pile of money on fire” rule today
This is the way.
Since it’s play money, I’ll take the Hummer so it can be set ablaze.
Well played, Mark. You offer one of the least desirable vehicles on the planet (a Hummer), but in pink stretch limo form. And then you put it up against something that is barely legal, barely drivable, but potentially fun for certain limited activities. Normally, I’d never even look at a Hummer as with the level of compensation involved, I wouldn’t be able to walk or get any normal pair of pants on. But this one is different enough to moderate that. The Avenger is a truly scary-looking piece of shit and would therefore be a blast to drive but I’m pretty certain it wouldn’t pass smog in these here parts. I guess I could tow it to a Lemons race, but that would be about it. Therefore, it’s a “both” day. Tow the Avenger to the track with the limo and run both!
Avenger! WOW, HELL NO to that other thing…
Good Lord – Barbie’s limo or one of the development mules from that Fast & Furious movie set in Rio?
Fantastic choices today Mark. Honestly I want neither but it’s glorious to see them here.
As for the required choice: Hmmm… er, I guess. I’ve got room to park it out back, so why not.
Either of these would give my HOA president a heart attack. So give me both.
My HOA actually sent someone to the house to try and buy my WRX, he called “the blue car”…
Guy at Door: I’m interested in buying for a church.
Me: what now?
GaD: Well, not for the church but for a family.
Me: no, you don’t want that
GaD: why what’s wrong with it?
Me: nothing.
GaD: Well why not sell it?
Me: looking at my 20 year old modified WRX Were you dropped on your head? It’s time for you to go..
The penny dropped later that the HOA was trying to find out if it was running or not. The sent a letter accusing me of having a heap in the driveway, which I dutifully ignored. It’s on 4 good tires, registered and insured, it just doesn’t move often
Saying “Ugh, HOAs” is hardly worth the keystrokes, but I just have to. It’s as if we took the “Get off my lawn” mindset, flipped it to read “Get off your own lawn” and set up tens of thousands of petty bureaucracies to make being a good neighbor a bad-faith deal. In some ways, the smaller a government is, the worse the outcome. Thirty suburbanites in a rec room ruled by one or two Karens is not an arrangement likely to arrive at decisions that make anyone’s life better. That one dude who just moved in is not going to give up about the mailbox issue, his wife will keep staring into the distance and steady-sipping Chablis, and the Peccadillo Police will get another item to enforce.
I just got done doing a bunch of maintenance at my folks’ place. One of the HOA rules there is “no motorhomes” yet every third driveway features a gaudy toy-hauler. For every law, there’s a loophole.
The aggravating part of them trying to bust me on the WRX, is that one of the rules is you have to use your garage to store your cars. 80-90% of my neighbors park in the driveway because their garages are filled with crap.. Except one guy, he gets a pass because he races a Miata and therefore is allowed to use one bay for parts a fabrication equipment..
Are you sure that Avenger was built for off-road bombing? I swear I’ve seen that exact car terrorizing the Garden State Parkway
Avenger makes me think “early Whistlin’ Diesel” and would be fun to hoon on private land for clout or otherwise.
Hummer makes me think “Schoharie limo crash.”
The Avenger is probably a farm vehicle that has been modified to haul a horse trailer around some large acreage so truck mirrors for seeing around the horse trailer
You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going to turn down the opportunity to purchase a pink Hummer stretch limo ever. Gimmie