I had two other cars picked out for today, but they’re kind of the same thing as yesterday only cheaper, and you know what? I feel like being weirder than that. I know I’ve said in the past, when someone complains about my choices being too far out in left field, “You should see the ones I don’t show you.” Well, today, you get to see a couple of them.
Yesterday was all about a plain car versus a fancy one, and in this case, plain didn’t stand a chance. It was the burgundy leather seats in that Mazda 929, wasn’t it? Yeah, they’re hard to resist. They’re what drew me to that car in the first place, and it would be my pick between these two as well.
Many of you said you would have been a lot more interested in the Geo Prizm with a manual transmission, and I agree with that too. The trouble is that most of the low-mileage survivors you find of cars like that are automatics. I’m not sure why. Manuals all have a gazillion miles on them and are beaten half to death. So it’s always a struggle: Do you go for the automatic in good condition, or hold out for a manual, even if it’s been ridden hard and put away wet? I’ll have to keep that in mind for a future Showdown.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you come here looking for sensible, reliable transportation, you’re in the wrong place. It’s like going to a Tool concert and expecting everything to be in 4/4 time. We don’t do that here. I try to stay away from absolute basket cases most of the time, because I’ve found they don’t play well, but if it runs and drives, it’s fair game. Both of the two vehicles I’m about to show you run and drive just fine. In fact, if you have the cash, either one of them could be in your driveway tomorrow. What would the neighbors say?
2003 Hummer H2 stretch limousine – $11,500
Engine/drivetrain: 6.0- liter OHV V8, four-speed automatic, 4WD
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Hummers are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. Stretch limos are gaudy, over-the-top vehicles. A stretch limo Hummer crosses the line to just plain ridiculous. I mean, what more could you possibly do to make a car stand out? Paint it bubble-gum pink? Oh.
Unlike the H1, which is a civilian version of the military Hummvee, the H2 is based on General Motors’s GMT800 truck chassis. It’s powered by a 6.0-liter V8 with a four-speed automatic. Normal H2s are four-wheel-drive, and I assume this one is as well, since all the stretching occurred aft of the transfer case. The seller lists the mileage as 123,456, which is probably not accurate, just a placeholder number. But how many miles can a limo like this possibly have?
Inside, it’s actually in decent condition. I mean, I can’t tell you how many bachelorette parties have taken place back there, how many things have been spilled or otherwise deposited on the upholstery, but it looks good. Well, not good, but not trashed. I kind of like the lone red Solo cup in the image above; it gives the photo a nice, spooky, liminal feel, like those photos of abandoned shopping malls.
The Barbie’s Dream Paint Job is enough, but it also has extra chrome trim all over the place. Because of course it does. It’s a little tired-looking outside, but not actually damaged. By the way, if pink isn’t your thing, the seller also has a yellow one for sale down in Indiana for $8,500. It’s in worse shape, though.
2008 Dodge Avenger SXT – $1,000
Engine/drivetrain: Probably a 2.4-liter DOHC inline-4, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Marlette, MI
Odometer reading: 300,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
The trend in recent years of doing fun stuff with cheap cars – Lemons, Gambler, and so forth – definitely has its appeal. Motorsports traditionally have been the purview of the wealthy; the old joke is that if you want to make a small fortune in auto racing, start with a large fortune. But if you can have just as much fun with a dirt-cheap beater, why wouldn’t you? I suspect that this car was built for a Gambler rally or something similar. It looks like hell, sure, but you don’t want a pretty car for such shenanigans.
The seller claims this car has 300,000 miles on it, which may or may not be true. If it is, I can make some educated guesses as to its powertrain. The Avenger SXT came standard with a 2.4-liter four-cylinder, but Chrysler’s infamous 2.7-liter V6 was optional. If it really does have that many miles on it, I highly doubt it has the V6. The seller says it “runs great and sounds even greater,” which means it’s loud as hell. It appears to have the exhaust exiting under the passenger’s side door, through a comically large tailpipe. But what has been done could be undone, if you want.
There are no photos of the interior in the ad. I’m sure we all know what that means.
If you’re going to go bombing down dirt roads, it makes sense to see where you’re going. That explains all the LED lights attached to this car. And the big brush guard makes sense, too. What I can’t explain are the giant truck towing mirrors, which look like they came from a Ford Super Duty or something. Why put those on, and not replace the missing front fender? But then again, why am I trying to apply logic to something that looks like this?
Believe it or not, there is a use case for both of these vehicles. There is a legitimate reason to spend money on both of them. One is a turn-key business opportunity (literally), and the other is a fun weekend waiting to happen. So your mission now is to dig deep, use your imagination, and come up with a reason why you would want one of them. And if you just can’t, well, wait for tomorrow, and we’ll look at a couple of more normal cars.
I’m more interested in the van parked next to the hummer.
I almost didn’t click today because I wasn’t sure I could vote for either one. In the end, I went with the Dodge because it’s cheaper. If I have to take someone’s junk, I’ll take the one that’s easier for me to get to the junk yard.
Oh my.
I actually cringed when I saw today’s options. You have outdone yourself, Mark.
I voted for the Hummer. I can’t believe an actual human spent actual money to build this thing and paint it pink. I can’t actual humans spent actual money to be driven around in this gaudy monstrosity. I am experiencing second hand embarrassment looking at the photos.
On the other hand, I think I could rattle can it a respectable color, strip the interior (wearing a hazmat suit, of course), and turn it into a unique RV. I would be much more enthused if the stretch was half of what it is (this looks like a nightmare to park), but I think I could turn this into something I may not hate… of course all of this assumes Michigan hasn’t turned the modified frame into Swiss cheese (I’m generally not concerned about rust, but a Michigan vehicle with a stretched frame parked in a field seems problematic). I’m being The Stig’s Optimist Cousin this morning, but I can actually see a bright side to this metaphorical train wreck.
I got no use for that Avenger.
I would convert the limo to a camper. maybe do moab, after upgradimg the front suspension of course. The Avenger was a pretty attractive car and the sxt with the 2.4 understandably was the most likely version to hit 300K miles if maintained (2.7 v6 was hot garbage) but at this point I would not have fun with it, and I would not try to rely on a 300K mopar for daily use, so I don’t know what would draw me to purchase that. for only 1,000, I suppose it is the new 500 beater. SO I guess if I wanted to spend a grand on a Lemons racer or Gumball 500, then maybe, but I feel like I can find a more capable thing for either of those for the same money.
I have never really found anything sitting in a grassy field with other random vehicles that Actually “runs and drives well”
I choose a gallon of gas and a match for each today. No thanks….
makes sense, as diesel is too expensive to use right now…
Come to think of it…maybe just a newspaper and a match. Gas is north of $4 here too.
I’m gonna vote for the Hummer despite the fact I hate it because I know there’s no way I’d be able to get the Avenger to pass inspection to get plates in this state without doing about $10,500 worth of work to it, which makes the Hummer the cheaper of two bad options for me.
I’ll take the Limo and park it down at my campsite for campers to use as emergency shelter and to have “fun” in. It might become quite the draw!
At 11 times the price, the H2 is a no go.
I’ll take the Beater with a Heater and thrash it all winter until it explodes.
The limo is still a GMT800 at heart. I went with it. You know what, might as well go all in if we are in this situation. I’ve never driven a limo, and I hate big cars, so this is going to be fun!
the 6.0 and 4l80 connected to a possibly working T Case is worth a couple grand for a swap elsewhere if nothing else.
Will the Avenger’s passenger door even open passed that tailpipe? Here in Kentucky, that Hummer is a business opportunity if you’re willing to deal with the type of people who would hire a stretched hot pink Hummer, aka most people in Kentucky. Lift it, give it some of those ugly 4×4 wheels with way too much negative offset wearing some knobby looking tires that are way too small and highlight it all with undercarriage lighting and people around here would eat it up for some reason.
I suppose if put to it I’d rather ride around with strippers than rednecks.
Hummer
Hate to tell you but the Hummer’s mostly gonna draw redneck strippers.
Probably true but I honestly don’t want to see the people that either of these things would attract.
We can certainly agree on that.
Now I would walk five hundred miles, not to be seen near that Hum dinger.
So the other one!
JESUS. One of these rides is a mullet on wheels, but the other one is a mohawk.
Hey Jatco, you’re off the hook! I found something I hate even worse!
I’m going to choose the Avenger because as much as I hate it, it’s cheap enough that at least if I were dumb/intoxicated enough to part with actual money for it, at least I won’t hate myself. Well. Not for long anyway.
There’s a stretch Hummer on the side of the road close to my home – in front of a junkyard, fittingly enough – that from one day driving past to the next, it had caught fire. The junkyard re-upped their name in spray paint on the side of the vehicle. Nothing else changed.
Avenger. Only because I can probably make about half the money back selling off the all the geegaws at five bucks a pop on Marketplace.
Both. Hear me our.
Pit crew, tools, spares, and beer go in the Hummer limo.
Avenger goes on a trailer behind it.
When we arrive at the event (LeMons, Gambler, whatever), everyone knows where the party is.
Then their jaws hit the floor when the Hummer takes its place on the grid. Avenger is our pit car/parts runner.
We race with the trailer still attached.
Doesn’t matter where we finish. We still win.
I appreciate you making me consider a different perspective here. But still heck no to the limo.
You are an utter madman. I like that about you.
I’m not a beer guy. Drop a case of Gypsy Circus in the cooler and I’ll turn wrenches all day, get out and push, whatevs.
We ride at dawn.
You’ve convinced me, and honestly… these two? I dislike Hummers already and making one fully erect and pink isn’t improving it IMO and the Avenger sort of looked OK stock but was otherwise garbage and putting SuperDuty mirrors and a bunch of crap on it isn’t convincing me either. But this… using both as a cosmic joke, this is the answer. Two stupid cars that transcend the stupidity when put together.
I like the idea, but not at that $11k ask.
the purchase price of the Hummer might go against Lemons Rules?
That’s what bribery, a storied tradition among LeMons racers, is for.
Someone’s been watchin the Defiance series a bit too much, then watched RCR’s review of the Charger they used in it.
Yeah, the Avenger out of curiosity, I guess. I’m worried someone will use the exhaust pipe as a urinal, though. Probably me….
If you put a gun to my head, I guess I’d take the Avenger.
Today is one of those days where we really need a ‘neither’ option.
Outdid ourselves today, didn’t we?
I won’t deprive fans of the pink Element of the chance to complete their driveway menagerie. I’ll take the $1000 hillbilly vape box, take a hacksaw to the fart pipe, and start a betting pool on how far I can get down the road before being pulled over for probable cause.
For $1k I’ve been curious about Gambler for awhile now, here we go. (I wouldn’t give $1k for that Hummer.)
Avenger all day long. The Hummer is as enticing as that corner in a public park where you know you’ll find a flock of used rubbers. And that’s before the paint job.
Problem is, the Dodge is the other corner of the park where you’ll find the used needles.
Damn, what parks do you guys go to?
Self loathing in the Dodge is 1/10th as expensive as self loathing in the Hummer.
No.
I’m rallycrossing the Hummer. It has 4WD!
And will come to a dragging halt at the first obstacle hill.