Happy Friday, Autopians! After yesterday’s snooze-fest modern cars, I felt the need to swing the pendulum the other way with something really weird, and I was able to do so with the help of a reader. I’m quite sure none of you are actually going to want either of these, but with luck, they’ll at least amuse you.
And about yesterday: it looks like all the classic rock puns in the world couldn’t help that Dodge Journey. It’s a little earlier than I usually call these things, but there’s no way the Dodge is catching up to the Hyundai Accent, so we’ll give the little silver sedan with the stained seats the win.
As for my choice? I don’t care. These are boring. Let’s talk about something else. Oh, I have to pick, because I made you do so? Fine. Whatever. Journey, I guess.
So last night, I got an email from Matt, forwarding me a suggestion for a Showdown car from reader StillNotATony. And immediately, I knew I had seen a worthy competitor for it recently; I just had to find it again. Both of these cars are the victims of terribly botched cosmetic surgery, like some D-grade automotive version of Face/Off. (Which I guess would just be an automotive version of Face/Off, come to think of it.) And the weirdness doesn’t stop there. Brace yourselves; we’re in for a bumpy ride today.
1978 Toyota Celica GT – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: Turbocharged 2.2-liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Dublin, VA
Odometer reading: 75,000 miles
Operational status: “Only driven in my driveway”
No, you’re not seeing things. Yes, it’s really a Celica. This ’78 Celica GT liftback has been modified with a fiberglass fifth-generation Chevy Camaro front clip. Why? I have no idea. But the mods don’t stop there. The interior is gutted, the rear end is tubbed for slicks, and the engine, well, let’s just take a look, shall we?
Powering this beast is what was probably the stock original 20R, but it now features a draw-through turbocharger setup and a big-ass Holley carburetor. The seller claims its output is “maybe 220 hp,” or a little more than double the stock output. It runs, but hasn’t really been tested out yet – the seller says it has not left their driveway. This beast of an engine drives a narrowed 9″ Ford rear axle through what I fear is the stock Toyota five-speed manual transmission. If so, best of luck to it.
Inside, it has one threadbare racing seat, a cheap Grant steering wheel, and a skull gearshift knob that’s actually kinda cool. I wonder if it’s the kind with the light-up eyes? It also has a partial roll cage, but we have no way of knowing how well it was built. At least it’s a nod to safety.
The part of the body between the Camaro nose and the tubbed rear fenders seems to be stock and in average to rough condition. There’s a little rust, but not much. The car was originally silver, but I don’t know how you can build a car like this and paint it any color besides fire-engine red. Actually, I don’t know how you can build a car like this full stop, but that’s neither here nor there.
1998 Lincoln Mark VIII – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter DOHC V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Adell, WI
Odometer reading: 86,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives surprisingly well
The final Lincoln Mark series coupe, the Mark VIII, is a really nice car. It’s based on the MN-12 Ford Thunderbird, but with a few special touches, including air-ride suspension and a quad-cam version of Ford’s modular V8. In stock form, it’s a nice-looking but sort of bland personal luxury coupe. Well, someone in Idaho decided to make this one a lot less bland and grafted on the front clip from a 1955 Pontiac Chieftain, along with a set of ginormous tailfins made, according to the seller, from “conduit, fiberglass, Bondo, and license plates.” Nothing but the best for such a fine luxury automobile, I guess.
Mechanically, it’s all stock, and before you write it off as a piece of junk, notice that I said it was built in Idaho. The seller lives in Wisconsin. They road-tripped it home, and said it did great. Not a hiccup in nearly three thousand miles, and it averaged 28 miles per gallon. Even the air-ride suspension, usually an Achilles’ heel in these cars, works perfectly. It may look like some Mad Max-inspired Jet Age fever dream, but it’s actually a reliable car. It does have a small oil leak from one valve cover that could use fixing, but that’s about it.
I’m giving you another look at the outside, in the place where I usually show you the inside. There’s only one interior photo in the ad, and if you click on the ad, you’ll understand why I didn’t use it. All I can tell you about the interior is that the fore-aft adjustment of the power driver’s seat is broken, the air conditioning is out, and the fuel gauge only works half the time.
For decades, the defining characteristic of the Lincoln Mark coupes was a hump in the trunk lid, sort of a vestigial faux spare tire. It got smaller and less prominent with each model, and by the Mark VIII it was barely there. And as it turns out, if you add something even gaudier to the rear end, you don’t notice it at all. Those tailfins are, well, they’re a choice, and while I don’t personally like them, I have to admire the dedication. I don’t know how much of the red staining is rust and how much is faux patina, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter.
Extensive modifications to a car are always a matter of personal taste. More power to you if you want to really go for it and make a car your own, but you have to understand that such modifications might make it a hard sell for someone else. I applaud the sellers of these two cars for not reaching for the stars with their prices. These are both, and I mean this with utter respect, shitboxes, and priced accordingly. But maybe one of them will find a buyer who appreciates it. I’m guessing that buyer isn’t you, but for the purposes of our game, you must choose. Which one will it be?
The celica because it will be easier to tow to Alaska where they do the crash your shitbox off a cliff thing.
In that Alaska cliff thing, the cars leap off the cliff under their own power (brick on the accelerator deal). The Toyota has never left the seller’s driveway.
And if at the end of his driveway there was a 450′ cliff….
Some questionable design choices on the Lincoln were made, but overall a much better implementation of someone’s fever dream. The back end could use some work to better align with the overall vision, but I give this effort a solid B+.
If ever there was a case for the need to embed gifs in comments, this is it. In the meantime, just image the Godfather “What have they done to my boy”; Dr. Zoidberg “You should feel bad”; and the Family Guy ipecac gifs.
Let’s also throw in the Jurassic Park classic “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Yikes – No
mark, why would you do this to us on a friday?
ugh neither! but I voted celica, I figure maybe it can be undone?
No.
Seriously, no.
For those prices on those two I’d rather buy Nikes, a bike or even one of those razor scooter things.
Nothing says run away like the choices here today.
This is peak NOPE SS.
There needs to be a “both” option so I can blow both of these monstrosities up and keep them away from society
They belong in a museum…at the bottom of the ocean.
I believe you misspelled “mausoleum.” Hell, I’m not sure I spelled it right.
Going with the Commander Cody choice and then driving to a bar to do some heavy drinkin’ after paying actual money for the hot rod Lincoln.
I was hearing the original Charlie Ryan version in my head while I read the article. Legend of a song. …The brakes are good, tires fair
Excellent tune! I hadn’t heard the original Charlie Ryan version until meeting my future FIL. He had it on a 45, and I got a big smile hearing “It’s got 12 cylinders and uses ’em all…” for the first time.
I was told by an old timer Charlie wrote the song about his own real hot rod Lincoln.
The Lincoln looks like something out of Futurama.
Lincoln. It drives and it’s already “weird” so how far could I push the weirdness with junk I have around the shop? As long as the inside is usable, the outside can be whatever.
This is the correct take. For two and a half grand this is cheap shock value and a hell of an icebreaker.
“Who here drove that… thing?”
I could pay for a number of Uber rides and spend the time to think about life choices.
Now I want someone (not me!) to buy the Hot Rod Lincoln/Pontiac and use it as an Uber.
Could you imagine your driver showing up in that?
So. Many. Questions.
On the Celiac, that looks like a holly dominator, north of 1000 CFM, with duel accelerator pumps. On a 2200cc Toyota. I need to see the turbo that could fit all that into the head of a 20R. Kicking it down would dump so much fuel it would stall or ignite. That carb needs about 4 more liters of engine.
Is the Camaro front clip because the Celica one went up like a pile of kindling when they revved it up, kicked it down, and let off the throttle?
These are ShitShows, not ShitBoxes.
But I guess I’m on the Rocky Road to Dublin cause that Celica looks like an absolute hoot to drive.
Given the comments, today’s installment has been renamed Shitshow Beatdown.
The Lincoln exterior is not to my taste, but done well enough. And more importantly, the mechanical underpinnings are basically stock and still functional.
The Celica exterior mods are similar – they seem like they aren’t going to completely fall apart even though they’re ugly, but the interior and mechanical bits are awful.
At least I could expect to drive the Lincoln somewhere after purchase, so Lincoln it is.
In today’s edition of SBSD, Mad Max apocalypse edition…
Wow…just…wow. Everone is entitled to their own opinion, even if it’s wrong. Both of these fall in that “wrong” category.
From what I’ve seen in many of the dystopian future movies, having a rusty 50’s-ish frankenstein car is one of the keys to survival. The fins definitely add to the survivability in some vague way I’m sure as well. Now all I need is some old football pads, a lacrosse helmet and some chaps.
assless chaps, if you’re doing the pocks-a-clypse in Australia
I’m from New England so I’ll stick with the full-ass chaps, it gets chilly up here.
All chaps are assless, aren’t they?
I think so but no way in hell am I Googling that to find out!
I’m not afraid. (And I’m not at work.) According to Google, all chaps are indeed open in the back, though there is a school of thought that wearing assless chaps involves wearing nothing underneath them.
That’s what I’m afraid would pop up in the Google image results. And HR already loves me so much.
Choosing between gonorrhea and syphilis today. Guess it’s gonorrhea. That’s the Lincoln thing, at least it drives.
I also went Lincoln…
-gonorrhea, you say? (ha ha)
“Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.”
—–
“Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story?”
—–
Student #1: “Okay, any other pain?”
Kramer: “The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey)
Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we
danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.”
Student #1: “Gonorrhea?!”
Kramer: “Gonorrhea!”
I’ll take the ratty Lincoln thing. It’s weird, and I like it the more I look at it. And, y’know, 32 valve Modular, that’s the good one supposedly. Whoever put the Camaro front clip on the Celica ruined it for me. If there’s something I don’t want to be seen in, it’s a Celica wearing a short track stock car face. And Carburetor Turbo is just…ugh.
I’d drive the Lincoln as-is. The Celica would need a factory front clip, new suspension, a 3S-GTE, and Watanabes. If I’d have one as-is, I’ll take the one I’d have as-is.
It takes extraordinary effort to completely ruin a car to chase “maybe 220hp”. A tubbed body and slicks are quite aspirational as well. Maybe the builder was going to drop a bigger engine in there at some point and gave up.
The more I look at the poor MKVIII the more I appreciate its sorta route 66, roswell-ness. There’s something weirdly charming about it, but it really only works out west.
Why would I pick the one that scares me less? If I’m choosing between these two, my fate has already been decided. All I’m doing is picking the paint on the casket they’ll bury me in
This may be the most epic showdown ever… I think the only answer is to buy both of them and start you own LEMONS race team. Don’t ask me how to get them under the $500 price limit, but I’m sure someone enterprising can figure that out.
Not a person alive is going to care about the price limit with either of these. The Celica could/would run into some issues with what is likely a very modified crash structure, but I can guarantee you that, judging wise, both of these would be Class C-Zero Laps. Lemons wants all the weird shit we can get.
Good to know 🙂
You get a friend to buy them, maybe using money you “lend” them, and then you pay your friend less than $500 for them.
It’s already half way there, and if the seller is being truthful and the Lincoln actually runs well, seems like a perfect Mad Max mobile.
$2600 is about a zero and $250 too much for it though.
I dunno. I might rock that for $260.
I’ll vote for option #3: a flatbed to haul them both to the nearest landfill, and an Uber to bring me to the clinic for a tetanus shot
Given that I submitted it, I’m kinda obligated to vote for the Celimaro.
But truthfully, I’d take either one. Or both.
Then I’d be divorced.
“Buy these cars, end your marriage” is an easier path than I took to do the same thing.
And thank you for the tip!
I dunno if you should thank me. People seem preeeetty outraged at both options.
Buy both so you can give one away in the settlement.
Freshly divorced, you’d have time to make more questionable mods to these. How can you go wrong?