Happy Friday, Autopians! After yesterday’s snooze-fest modern cars, I felt the need to swing the pendulum the other way with something really weird, and I was able to do so with the help of a reader. I’m quite sure none of you are actually going to want either of these, but with luck, they’ll at least amuse you.
And about yesterday: it looks like all the classic rock puns in the world couldn’t help that Dodge Journey. It’s a little earlier than I usually call these things, but there’s no way the Dodge is catching up to the Hyundai Accent, so we’ll give the little silver sedan with the stained seats the win.
As for my choice? I don’t care. These are boring. Let’s talk about something else. Oh, I have to pick, because I made you do so? Fine. Whatever. Journey, I guess.
So last night, I got an email from Matt, forwarding me a suggestion for a Showdown car from reader StillNotATony. And immediately, I knew I had seen a worthy competitor for it recently; I just had to find it again. Both of these cars are the victims of terribly botched cosmetic surgery, like some D-grade automotive version of Face/Off. (Which I guess would just be an automotive version of Face/Off, come to think of it.) And the weirdness doesn’t stop there. Brace yourselves; we’re in for a bumpy ride today.
1978 Toyota Celica GT – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: Turbocharged 2.2-liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Dublin, VA
Odometer reading: 75,000 miles
Operational status: “Only driven in my driveway”
No, you’re not seeing things. Yes, it’s really a Celica. This ’78 Celica GT liftback has been modified with a fiberglass fifth-generation Chevy Camaro front clip. Why? I have no idea. But the mods don’t stop there. The interior is gutted, the rear end is tubbed for slicks, and the engine, well, let’s just take a look, shall we?
Powering this beast is what was probably the stock original 20R, but it now features a draw-through turbocharger setup and a big-ass Holley carburetor. The seller claims its output is “maybe 220 hp,” or a little more than double the stock output. It runs, but hasn’t really been tested out yet – the seller says it has not left their driveway. This beast of an engine drives a narrowed 9″ Ford rear axle through what I fear is the stock Toyota five-speed manual transmission. If so, best of luck to it.
Inside, it has one threadbare racing seat, a cheap Grant steering wheel, and a skull gearshift knob that’s actually kinda cool. I wonder if it’s the kind with the light-up eyes? It also has a partial roll cage, but we have no way of knowing how well it was built. At least it’s a nod to safety.
The part of the body between the Camaro nose and the tubbed rear fenders seems to be stock and in average to rough condition. There’s a little rust, but not much. The car was originally silver, but I don’t know how you can build a car like this and paint it any color besides fire-engine red. Actually, I don’t know how you can build a car like this full stop, but that’s neither here nor there.
1998 Lincoln Mark VIII – $2,600
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter DOHC V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Adell, WI
Odometer reading: 86,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives surprisingly well
The final Lincoln Mark series coupe, the Mark VIII, is a really nice car. It’s based on the MN-12 Ford Thunderbird, but with a few special touches, including air-ride suspension and a quad-cam version of Ford’s modular V8. In stock form, it’s a nice-looking but sort of bland personal luxury coupe. Well, someone in Idaho decided to make this one a lot less bland and grafted on the front clip from a 1955 Pontiac Chieftain, along with a set of ginormous tailfins made, according to the seller, from “conduit, fiberglass, Bondo, and license plates.” Nothing but the best for such a fine luxury automobile, I guess.
Mechanically, it’s all stock, and before you write it off as a piece of junk, notice that I said it was built in Idaho. The seller lives in Wisconsin. They road-tripped it home, and said it did great. Not a hiccup in nearly three thousand miles, and it averaged 28 miles per gallon. Even the air-ride suspension, usually an Achilles’ heel in these cars, works perfectly. It may look like some Mad Max-inspired Jet Age fever dream, but it’s actually a reliable car. It does have a small oil leak from one valve cover that could use fixing, but that’s about it.
I’m giving you another look at the outside, in the place where I usually show you the inside. There’s only one interior photo in the ad, and if you click on the ad, you’ll understand why I didn’t use it. All I can tell you about the interior is that the fore-aft adjustment of the power driver’s seat is broken, the air conditioning is out, and the fuel gauge only works half the time.
For decades, the defining characteristic of the Lincoln Mark coupes was a hump in the trunk lid, sort of a vestigial faux spare tire. It got smaller and less prominent with each model, and by the Mark VIII it was barely there. And as it turns out, if you add something even gaudier to the rear end, you don’t notice it at all. Those tailfins are, well, they’re a choice, and while I don’t personally like them, I have to admire the dedication. I don’t know how much of the red staining is rust and how much is faux patina, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter.
Extensive modifications to a car are always a matter of personal taste. More power to you if you want to really go for it and make a car your own, but you have to understand that such modifications might make it a hard sell for someone else. I applaud the sellers of these two cars for not reaching for the stars with their prices. These are both, and I mean this with utter respect, shitboxes, and priced accordingly. But maybe one of them will find a buyer who appreciates it. I’m guessing that buyer isn’t you, but for the purposes of our game, you must choose. Which one will it be?
The Lincoln would be perfect for driving down to New Vegas from the Vault
If that skull shifter in the Celica[?] doesn’t have light-up eyes AND laugh maniacally when you shift gears, then all the other work put into the car was wasted.
I mean, it might be wasted anyway, but–
Ugh… both of these are ABOMINATIONS. I’ll go with the Lincoln because it’s cheaper.
And the first thing I would do with that heap is paint over that stupid ‘patina’ look.
Probably give it a Rustoleum/Tremclad paint job.
https://www.instructables.com/Paint-Your-Car-With-Rustoleum/
I cannot get the Nancy Reagan ad out of my head…..something something….”this is your brain…this is your brain on drugs.” I chose the Lincoln.
I probably shouldn’t like that Lincoln, but I do.
The Celica gave me drivetrain swap ideas – sticking with a turbo four, Ford/Mazda, maybe? Specifically not Chevy power, or at least not something available in a modern Camaro, because that’d make too much sense, and we don’t want to add sense, we want to annoy purists.
But I like that Lincoln.
I fiercely want neither. Gun to my head, I’d pick the Celica-thing, despite that being the least attractive generation of Celica (I owned not one but two Supras of the same generation). But cripes, someone would have to fight me for me to actually take it home.
I’d like to think after a long day at the Volvo truck plant some friends too many cases of beer created that Toyota abomination. I don’t want it.
The Lincoln is at least neat looking it improved the stock vehicle. I wish they did more to the back though. I always thought those truck lids and the back looked stupid.
Still has to be Lincoln the price is even fine.
That Lincoln would fit right in with the Houston Art Car scene so that’s the winner for me today
Um…what?
Wow. Lincoln, I guess, because it can leave the driveway.
Good Lord – I might have met the guy that built that Lincoln. If so, he turned my mom’s old Regal into a Mercedes-nosed, “El Camino”-tailed unibody pickup monstrosity.
I have no idea if it’s actually the same guy, but the similarities are very striking. Definitely looks like the same artist.
It’s not often you see a first gen Falconcougarthunderbird in running condition.
Someone disfiguring a first gen Celica makes me irrationally angry.
My first car was my mom’s hand me down 1980 Celica. I’ve always had a soft spot for early Celicas (and Supras too).
The later MKVIIIs were understated hot rods. Especially in the LSC trim. Somehow, this one works visually. I’m getting a bit of a Mad Max vibe. It’s weird but not unsettling like that poor Celica. All it needs is a satin black paint job and some moon wheel covers.
Lincoln for me today.
You’re making me regret my Celica vote, which was based on “this is the stupider of the two.”
What the FUCK, man.
I went Toyota only because it might be even dumber than the hot rod Lincoln that’ll drive me to drinkin’.
Homer Simpson, your Lincontiacbaker has arrived. Doh!
(still voted for it over that series-of-bad-choices Celica)
Nope. Can’t think of anything redeeming enough about either one. Were there junk yards still around here, I’d put decent money on being able to find something better in one.
Don’t judge me (okay fine judge me I know you will hahaha) but I kinda want that Lincoln
I think this is a test to see how low we can get the vote count.
nope. nope nope nope nope nope. run away.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pair of cars I want less than these two. I went with the Lincoln only because it has been driven more than 50 feet.
This is when I just walk. The only use for the Lincoln is as a spare car. Otherwise, junk. Both.
One of these is a car that has been modified by someone with questionable taste. The other is a piece of scrap metal that has been modified by someone with questionable taste.
Road trip capable makes the decision easy. I drove through Adell WI last night, if I had seen this thing I would have driven faster.
In theory I love the celica, but it’s going to detonate the engine, transmission, or both, as soon as you try to actually do anything with it.
That’s kinda why I voted for it. If only so that it can never hurt anyone else again.