One of the greatest characters in modern auto journalism was Kristen Lee’s “Fancy Kristen.” Kristen had this magical way of turning boring hyper luxury car news into something exciting by satirizing how the ultra-wealthy might react to said news. Click here for a glorious taste. A reader just reminded us of those old days.
Jason wrote a Cold Start about the knobs in a 1934 Voisin Mean. Mighty Bagel:
I was actually going to buy this car but then found out that the leather seats were from adult ostriches and not the more preferable baby ostriches (much softer with finer graining) so decided to pass.
FndrStrat06:
Okay Fancy Kristen, we see you.
Jon L:
The first one is clearly Plankton from SpongeBob. The second turns on the krabby patty grill. The lightning indicates you are ready for a krabby patty. The sprayer is for extra ketchup. Swirly is for extra mustard.
Parsko:
The spiral is the one you activate as you drive by other people who are rolling their eyes at your wealth. It sprays a cloud of deadly poison behind you as a punishment for their poor.
Highland Green Miata:
Since the car is French, clearly the spiral is the escargot warmer.
Rad Barchetta:
Now listen, 007, your new car is equipped with a water spray, tornado generator, lightning bolt emitter, and cockroach ejection system. Standard kit, really. Do bring her back in one piece this time, hm?
Nlpnt:
“What does the bolt emitter do?”
“Pull it and a Chevy Bolt ejects from the boot. It’s for when you get far enough from Car Week the Voisin no longer blends in.”
“Does it have any special features?”
“Yes, Bond. At the insistence of this site’s chief engineer, it’s been fitted with a range extender. (Q opens the hatch to show a campsite generator held in place with zip ties and a drive belt going into holes cut in the floor to parts unkown but possibly directly to the rear axle) Pull to start, only operate it with ALL the windows down and wear ear protection. You’ll find noise-canceling headphones in the glovebox.”
Balloondoggle:
The last one summons Gene Wilder to sing “Imagination” for you when you drive through a tunnel.
Thomas wrote a Morning Dump that ended with a question about if you own a car from a dead brand. Username Loading….:
TBQ: Yes I have purchased from a brand that no longer exists in the US. Parts are a bit difficult to find but otherwise there’s no big issues.
Wait, I’m being informed that Mitsubishi does in fact still sell new cars in the US. Nevermind.
Have a great evening, everyone!
God thanks for the link to fancy Kristen articles. It allowed me to remember when Jalopnik was a car site with excellent writing. It even got me to visit the site after 8 years. And while it isn’t the car hating communist website it turned into it still sucks.
I’m surprised no one suggested chicken or monkey skin. Both of these are the closest to human skin you can get. Of course if you have a upholstery shop who likes your business a6a friend that owns/works at a mortuary you can still get the real thing. Do not go to the morgue because it will be discovered when it gets to the funeral home so cut out the middle man.
Surely pig skin is pretty similar?
Aww shucks, thanks for the shoutout. I miss Fancy Kristen
“Whale penis leather or GTFO.” – Fawncay Kristen.
Not familiar with this leather are you,? It looks and feels great but it is very annoying as it switches from too loose to too tight based on how much you move around in the seat.
SOOOO FANCYYY – Messrs. Regular and Roman, and the Bourgeoise Brigade (incl. stef)
Snails for everyone on me!
See that’s what happens when you drink too much Port and pass out in the garden.
OK, the Mitsubishi comment cracked me up. A neighbor of mine drove them for decades but surrended to the inevitability of a Toyota.
Thanks, Mercedes!
(I miss Fancy Kristen)
It was originally upholstered in the skin of smallpox victims, but since the disease has long been eradicated, the closest thing the restorer could get was ostrich and everyone pretends it was never originally human skin.
It’s so nice to see my snarky side being appreciated.
You’re in the right place.
Woohoo!
People keep telling me Mitsubishi’s dead but I’ve seen more new Mitsus on the road since the Evo was discontinued than I had at any time since they were branded “Colt Imported for Dodge/Plymouth”.
I remember a time when Galants, Lancers and Eclipses were an everyday sight, and Mitsubishi TVs were sold at Circuit City.
Now we only get an Eclipse once a year or so, only visible from certain parts of the world….
…and the last time I saw a bottle of Lancers was in a grocery in Rotterdam.
Me too, the Outlander in particular seems to sell well around here. I’m not interested in a SUV, but from what I can tell, they seem to be a good deal.