We’d like to believe that the world, in some fundamental way, makes sense. We’re islands of order in a greater sea of chaos, and the idea that via our thoughts and actions we can keep the relentless march of entropy at bay is part of what makes life bearable. I want to believe this. Generally, I do believe this. But sometimes, rarely, I suppose, but less rare than I’d like, I’m confronted with some evidence that I’m deluded, and, fundamentally, the universe does not actually make sense.
Sometimes, like this time, the realization happens because of minivans.
You see, I was recently made aware, by an Autopian named Tim, of a minvanical mystery. A strange one that is simply confusing, a mystery that points to wasted efforts and weird design choices. A mystery I simply can’t explain, and any one who could is either long gone or sworn into silence.
The mystery has to do with this:
Those are the rear bumpers of GM’s second-generation U-body minivans, which you may know as the Pontiac Trans Sport Montana, and later, just the Pontiac Montana. What I want you to notice about the rear bumper covers on these vans is that it seems to have a very deliberate and intentional molding in the center section that seems to delineate a wide, rectangular recess, flanked by little bumper-guard-like protuberances on either side.
These sorts of details don’t just happen by chance; they were very carefully designed and implemented. Some versions even seem to include the text TRANS SPORT embossed into the framed center section there:
So, why would Pontiac do this? It’s a sort of strange design motif, when you think about it, especially the blank ones lacking the model name text. But when you give it some thought, its purpose seems clear: based on the size, proportions, and location, this must be the area designed to accommodate European-style license plates. The twin bumper guard-like blocks would even be ideal for mounting a pair of license plate lamps.
That has to be it, right? It’s really the only answer that makes any sense! It should be easy enough to confirm, too – the Montana had a European sibling, the Opel Sintra (Vauxhall Sintra in the UK). So let’s take a look!
What. The. Fuck.
Wait wait wait wait – what am I looking at, here? Am I really to believe that GM’s Euro division went out of their way to design and mold entirely different rear bumper skins that did not have the perfectly-sized indention for a European-spec license plate, and instead just stuck the license plate in the same spot where the shorter US-spec plates went?
Why?
If the Euro plate fit in that original spot already, what the hell was the point of the bumper skin with that recessed Euro-plate-sized panel? Was it never intended for a Euro plate? If not, then what the hell was it for? Looks? It couldn’t have been.
The Euro tailgate seems to be the same stamping, with a bit of extra cladding slapped on it. Why did they feel the need to make a new bumper cover mold? Because the US one might confuse people because it would appear that there are, in fact, two places you could mount a license plate, because, again, that’s exactly what that bumper skin seems to have on it!
I can’t wrap my head around this. Did GM forbid contact between its American and European divisions? No one talked to each other about this? Why didn’t they all use the Euro-style rear bumper? Why did the US design that Euro plate area in the bumper in the first place? Why were we Americans okay with that weird-looking blank panel when Europeans weren’t?
None of this makes any sense, and it drive me clamshit. I just want to know what the hell everyone was thinking!
Ugh. I can’t leave you on such a miserable note, though. To improve your mood, check out what the concept car version of the Montana looked like – the Montana Thunder!
This was a 1998 concept car that tried to merge minivans and SUVs, and also, interestingly, hinted at the Pontiac Aztek’s front end styling a couple of years before the Aztek came out. It’s a bit overdone and silly, but in fun ways, and I applaud any manner of badass minivan concepts.
Sure, the resulting Montana didn’t exactly have the teeth of this thing, but you know, real life is a tepid reflection of the car show world.
You know what you need to hear now? Hell yeah, you know. It’s time to ride, Pontiac, ride, bitches!
I think the answer is obvious. It’s for bumper stickers.
Ever tried affixing your political, s3xual, car brand, or culinary opinions to your bumper, only to discover that various contours, textures, and, particularly on Pontiacs, ribbing makes it difficult or even impossible?
The Pontiac Trans Sport Montana has got you covered with a prefect flat spot in prime bumper real estate to display your clever comment!
When you need to ask the world “Who farted?” in balloon letters with accompanying stink lines, get in your Pontiac and ride!
Probably just a witness line in the shared bumper tooling where they replace that rectangular surface with variants like the TRANS SPORT example. Perfectly minvanical.
The only possibility I can think of is if they were intending on having some other door arrangement available, such as barn doors for a cargo van variant, and they couldn’t fit the euro plate on one of the doors in a way which looked nice, so they opted to relocate it to the bumper.
This is just speculation, but I find an interesting detail in how the Pontiac’s rear bumper appears to be separate from the plastic filler panels that wrap up either side to the taillights, which appear to be a separate piece of plastic from the main bumper.
If these were omitted, there would be just enough room for a pair of barn doors to tightly swing out over the top of the bumper, and the empty space below the taillight would nicely fit the kind of external door hinge typical on european vans which allow the doors to swing 270° around to the sides.
In conclusion, I speculate that the Pontiac Montana’s rear bumper was designed for a barn-doored cargo van version of the Opel/Vauxhall Sintra, which never eventuated.
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Another unrelated fun fact about the GMT200, Australia narrowly avoided being foisted with it; GM went as far as creating part numbers and even manufacturing badges and a grille for the “Holden Sintra”, though they were only made available as spare parts.
There is at least one documented example of an Opel Sintra wearing OEM Iron Lion emblems in Germany.
Here’s a hypothesis: the different skin is to accommodate hitch receiver hardware. European models often have tow ratings that are not reflected in US versions. The Trans Sport had ratings up to 2000kg (4400 pounds) – quite a bit actually, for a front-drive minivan, and 900 lbs more than the highest American rating.
Maybe this was GM trying to guess where things might go, regulation-wise, and missing a just a little bit? Like how our beloved C4 Corvette has that big foam brick glued to the passenger side of the dash to provide supplemental impact protection.
European focus groups took great offense at an American product displaying “Pontiac Butt”, a clear swipe at the Hapsburg Chin and other royal inbreeding characteristics. Subsequently the Pontiac Butt was quietly covered over.
The lower section was for European-style novelty license plates.
You could bolt your “I’d rather be fishing” or “World’s Greatest Grandpa” long-format novelty plate right there and still have a lighted mounting spot for your boring registration number.
…if that panel pops out, is it possible that was designed to accommodate a through-bumper hitch?
The Opel Look a lot more like the Chevrolet Venture. The Trans Sport was kind of gaudy, can’t blame the European wanting to sell the more conventional design.
Also, the first gen was based on the Oldsmobile but with a Pontiac branding. So, I guess the boss of GM Europe were not fond of all the Pontiac Cladding of the 90’s early 2000.
Maybe there is a European requirement that the license plate be a certain distance from the road. The US designers thought they were doing something nice, but just created extra work for GM Europe.
That almost makes sense. But then why design the recess in the hatch to accommodate both sizes? Were Team Bumper and Team Hatch also not talking to each other?
A change of plan perhaps?
Everyone knows that there is a long-standing rivalry between team hatch and team bumper.
The bumper guys think the ‘hatch clowns’ (that’s what they call them) are just tradesmen there to fill a hole. They consider them entirely without style.
The ‘Bumpermen’ (they call themselves that, I don’t want to tell you what the hatch guys call them) are all about style. Since they rarely have to worry about wiring or articulation, their bumpers are exercises in pure fashion.
In Germany, there is such a requirement, but only for the front plate, not for the rear. And for the front plate, the minimum height above the road is only 200 mm anyway.
Further investigation has disclosed that there is such a requirement on the EU level. The minimum distance from the ground is 0.30 metres.