I don’t know if Andy Warhol’s theory about everyone getting fifteen minutes of fame holds true for cars, but if so, the new Slate truck is receiving its quarter of an hour right now. Maybe even half an hour. Along with the still-cooking REO pickup, the interwebs are all a-Twitter about bare-bones basic vehicles under $25,000 hitting the market.
Dare I say it, but some of the Slate enthusiasm borders on the rabid levels of Cybertruck fandom a few years ago. “How dare you give us power windows, extended cabs and radios,” they scream, demanding hair-shirt austerity and going so far as to claim that legacy automakers could give us such affordable products but are refusing to do so. Their conspiracy theories battle with the unreleased water-powered engine or 100-mile-per-gallon carburetor for silliness.
Still, the ruler of the tiny island nation of Jasonia – Dear Leader Torch – is sympathetic to these fanatics, as any man with a 29-horsepower car would be, and he’d love to see one of the Big 3 answer the call for a Basic Truck. Torch thinks the answer is not creating something brand new, but instead reviving the legendary GMT400. Is he a mad genius, or just mad? Regardless, an opportunity popped up for him the other day that, in the alternate universe, made it possible.
At Least He Didn’t Ask For The Chevette Tooling
“We’re shutting it down, Jason.” Torch knew this was coming.
General Motors CEO Mary Barra has been closing down unprofitable overseas divisions for years, and she eventually realized that GM of Jasonia’s taillight and turn signal factory was bleeding cash. Still, as Dear Leader Torch of Jasonia listened to Mary on the other end of the line of the car phone (hardwired) in his gleaming black Tatra limo, he was aware that fast action was needed on his part to save jobs for his loyal subjects.
“That’s too bad, Mary. Sorry to hear it. Of course, you know your predecessor signed an ironclad contract and a 25-year lease. You can probably get out of it, I’m sure, but a dispute with an emerging nation would be a really bad look for a big car company like yours and …”
Mary cut him off mid-sentence. “What do you want, Torch?” she barked back, having little time for his crap, especially when he held at least a few good cards. Emerging nation my ass. “Well, Mary, do you happen to have the tooling for the GMT400 trucks? I’ve always loved those things and …” Once again, Mary interrupts. “How about I ship you the tooling for those old single- and extended-cab pickups, you get me out of the factory lease, and we never talk again?” Jason agreed, and the phone went dead. He wasn’t sure if Mary had hung up or the horrible Jasonian phone service had failed once again (they have only one service man in a faded old 1974 Pacific Bell Econoline van).
Torch had gotten what he wanted for himself and the Jasonian citizens: they would get to build, sell, and drive the last great full-sized GM pickup. Maybe you’d like one too!
Pickup Man
Let’s face it: almost any American truck becomes an icon as it ages. Still, despite being released nearly forty years ago, the 1988 to 2002 GMT400 is one example that just doesn’t look right in a country music video or on a T-shirt trying to show an “old truck.” It’s still too modern looking for that.
Our own Adrian Clarke wrote an excellent post on how pure the design was on these evergreen things:
Just how good were they? Think about this: Not only were they in production for nearly twelve years, look at what came before and after. The GMT400 was a huge step forward functionally, technically and aesthetically over the previous GM ‘square body’ that preceded it. The design language was so successful the first time around it couldn’t easily be improved upon, and the replacement GMT 800s that appeared in 2000 were a retrograde step, visually speaking.
If the GMT 800 was a retrograde step, what on earth can we say about this latest version of Chevy’s popular full-sized vehicle?
For one, I’d say it looks painfully busy and heavy-looking. It’s also incredibly tall, a fact that becomes painfully obvious when you go to carsized.com and compare it to a GMT400:
The length of the regular cab 2026 isn’t that much longer, but the height is vastly increased. In front, the styling does no favors to the big and blunt nose, but my guess is that the designers were trying their best not to conceal the height and get the most massive-looking truck they could.
From the rear, it’s clear that, despite the bulk, the cargo space is not appreciably different on the new truck versus the old one.
The designers and engineers at the now-Torch-controlled GM of Jasonia love the GMT400; this would be almost like Jasonia’s own Slate or REO truck. It’s a big, useable pickup with just enough modern amenities and none of the excess fat. However, some of them questioned selling such a vehicle to modern buyers. They could add new airbags and such, but would it still be legal in today’s world?
Jason isn’t worried. “Well, you can buy the Chevy Express van here, right? That’s nearly as old as the GMT400. Would other new cars be safer than this old truck? Sure, but you know that going in. Seriously, are we going to ban riding motorcycles? Same thing here.”
Well, maybe Torch had a point. Even if he didn’t, they had no choice but to proceed with the revival; hell, they still had jobs, right? “This sounds like it will be the ideal work truck,” said one of the GM of Jasonia executives. “Yes,” quipped Jason, “but I’ve got something better in mind. I want this to be bought by the coolest tastemakers on earth.”
So Cool Without Even Trying
Many months later, the back door of the GM of Jasonia factory opens, and a shiny white pickup truck rolls out with its white paint gleaming in the noonday sun. Torch hops behind the wheel of the See/Kay and crosses the Brycklin Bridge with Staying Alive playing though the stereo, rolling through streets of shabby-chic boutiques and parking in front of Laser Woof, the coolest restaurant in the Willysburg neighborhood.
This used to be a smelly fish-packing district, but now it’s the hottest neighborhood in all of Brycklin; even a closet-sized apartment has a monthly rent of like $12,000JD (Jasonian dollars, or about $3,000 USD).
A guy walks out of Laser Woof with a weathered leather shoulder bag, a thrift store shirt, and new but beat-up-looking jeans that he paid $350 for. In front of him sits a white pickup that appears new and old all at once: a true embodiment of “truckness” that designers strive for with mood boards and rarely get right. The white finish is a perfect fit for the design, which is good since that’s the only color that Torch is going to offer for now.
“Dear Leader! Wow, man, this is cool – is it the new Slate?” Well, no, it’s gas-powered. “I prefer that anyway since there aren’t enough charging stations here. I love this new truck.” It would be pointless to tell him that the design is easily older than him or his multitude of painfully hip friends that join him. GM of Jasonia ripped off the side moldings from the original and changed the grille and bumpers to fit the design language of the latest Chevy trucks but left the sheetmetal untouched. Even the Hoffmeister kink on the rear window is a stuck-on piece of trim. That new grille is not nearly as tall-looking as on other new Chevy pickups, helped in part by the body-colored horizontal band going across the grille to break it up visually.
Here’s an animation so that you can see the difference:
Jason had to mess with the taillights, changing them to match other concurrent Chevrolet trucks and including a section with amber bulbs for turn signals.
Again, there’s barely any difference in the new See/Kay:
More compliments keep coming from the mouths of people walking by. “The interior is great. It’s simple and clean without doing the Slate or Tesla ‘we are so austere’ kind of thing.” It even has speakers already built into the doors and dash since nobody wants to drive around with a freaking Bluetooth boombox (they’re junk GM paper cone speakers, but the fun comes from buying and adding your own audio upgrades). This example had crank windows, but Jason reluctantly agrees that most will be sold with the decadence of pushbutton locks and side glass.
Indeed, the only thing Jason added was bigger headrests in back (and one for a center passenger). The extended cab versions of GMT400s had a forward-facing seat with legroom that wasn’t spectacular but was fine for occasional use and great for kids or short trips. At the same time, the rear seat didn’t kill bed length or make the truck stretch-limo long.
“I really like this dash,” said one observer, “it looks like I could upgrade if I wanted, but there’s no point since it has all that I’ll ever need.” Again, it’s totally unchanged from the final late nineties GMT400 with the exception of an Amazon double DIN radio controller and an inexpensive LCD gauge cluster from China to replace all the moving parts of the old instruments. Note also that Jason added a central airbag in the storage binnacle below the climate controls.
Jason thankfully found the tooling for the regular cab GMT400 in the crate that Mary sent over, all well:
Engine options are whatever Jason can get his hands on, but almost all will be sold with crate Chevy 4.3-liter V6 or a 5.0-liter V8. There might be diesel options as well from other sources, since Jasonian emissions regulations are not exactly world-class. “Yeah, I do kind of care about the Earth and stuff – I keep most of my crap there,” is Torch’s rather wishy washy view; he never got around to actually passing smog legislation.
The assemblage of people outside of Laser Woof is now a crowd. “I love how I can get a full-sized pickup truck that seats three people in a length the same as a mid-sized SUV!” says one observer. Isn’t that a bit larger for Brycklin? “Nah, it’ll just get bashed up a bit, but then it will look even cooler.” Now, if that isn’t the description of a true truck, I dunno what is.
From Solid Citizen To Illegal Alien
Based on the overwhelmingly positive response to the See/Kay, Jason’s move to resurrect a true icon seems to have been a good decision. Jason is quick to note that RAM successfully offered their older generation truck while also selling the new one. Torch is confident that the See/Kay will outsell the Slate on Jasonia; he has every reason to speculate that, like the Cybertruck, the Slate’s niche-market approach means that they’ll probably sell around 20,000 immediately in America to true believers, and then the rest will languish on lots.
As proof of Jason’s genius, many American tourists to the beautiful island have asked about taking one of these See/Kays home with them. Naturally, that isn’t going to happen. When receiving the tooling from Mary Barra, Torch was required to sign a stack of papers six inches tall that included a clause stating that any attempts to import the See/Kay back into the US would result in penalties that he’d need to turn the palace into an Airbnb to pay back. The official reason is “safety concerns,” but Jason is skeptical.
That’s too bad; General Motors could likely spend billions of dollars developing some Slate-like $25,000 gasoline pickup and not come up with something nearly as good as what they already made decades ago. Torch thinks believes they’re well aware of that and simply don’t want to do it when the profit margins would be paper thin. Either that, or they don’t want to cannibalize sales of their other comparatively overblown trucks. Who knows?
Maybe the whole conspiracy theory is real after all.
Top graphic base image: Bring a Trailer
Yea, but skip the 5.0 (305) V8 and give us the 5.7L (350). The 305 was always an also ran compared to the 350, and there aren’t any efficiency gains from it. If anything, the 305 needs to work harder and gets worse mileage.
I really do believe that if GM did a carbon copy of this for a new truck, it would sell like mad. It’s such a clean design compared to today’s GM trucks.
every time i see an SS454 gmt400 my heart skips a beat. i miss mine from high school dearly, but my wallet also lets go a sigh of relief not having to feed that beast 89+ octane at todays prices to the tune of 10mpg lol.
I had a GMT400 Tahoe as a company car for a couple of years and I thought it looked pretty good for what it was. The grill and headlights look so clean. I’d take that treatment over anything available today. The overall size differential between then and now is almost shocking.
So Jason gets his own country and David gets a fictional Jeep. Seems fair.
Thanks for pointing out how ridiculously tall pickups have gotten. I love what you did here, even the wheels!
i had a 1990 ss454 and im 5’5″. i remember being able to reach over the side and touch the bottom of the bed, could still do it with my 04 colorado z71. you got to get a running jump to see whats in the bed these days.
Honestly, that actually looks like something they’d sell in China now
ah yes, the Cheerulet Realman 1500 w/t
yeah China has lots of old cars with new-car front ends
Or GM could just build an updated first generation S10 which was an antual compact pickup and call it a day, I will send GM my consultant fee invoice later.
I wish I could post photos here… last year I took one of my 2001 S-10 (standard cab, long box) at airport parking. While I was traveling, two late model full-size trucks parked there, one on either side of me. The difference was astounding.
just saw a Colorado parked next to an F150 and the Colorado was just about as tall, hood max height. Very strange. Didnt observe if the F150 was 2wd and the Chevy 4×4.
You’ve truly outdone yourself this time, The Bishop! This is the first vehicle, hypothetical or otherwise, that fully and repeatedly slams my nostalgia button. Just tell me where to send my deposit.
1001 Jasonian Way, Tor Chin Ski City, Jasonia NW8945
If you are going to revive old GM trucks, do it right. Revive the square bodies. Just put more modern, but not so modern they are explodey, drivetrains under them and modern rust protection (which to be fair, in the case of GM trucks isn’t THAT much of an improvement in my experience). We had a GMT400 or two in the family, they were kinda junky compared to what came before them. Oh, and make mine a square body Suburban please.
Also, I will absolutely take a Tatra. I have even had a ride in one in Hungary. Sublime.
I’d argue corrosion protection was the biggest leap from Squarebody to GMT400 in my region.
Trouble is they don’t seem to have gotten much better since based on the relatively recent GM garbage in my family.
My GMT355 Canyon and GMT360 Envoy are still pretty decent vehicles. Granted, the Canyon is 16+ years old and the Envoy is 23+ years old.
But the GMT900 and newer trucks seem to rust even faster.
Is the GMT360 what the Saab 9-7X is? A friend in Maine has one – mechanically it’s still fine at 150K but it’s needed extensive welding to get an inspection sticker the past two years, and it’s about at the end for that. But nearly 20 years is a good run in Maine.
My brother and SiL owned whatever the 2012ish era GM trucks were in Maine. At well less than a decade old, they looked like the Titanic underneath. I see newer ones with very obvious frame rust. The cabs don’t seem to rot out as badly anymore, but the frames, and ESPECIALLY the hardware and brackets and whatnot attached to them seem to be very poorly protected. At 2X the age bolts underneath my European cars would still come off without a fight, the GM junk are basically unidentifiable lumps of rust. And Ford and Dodge are no better. At least Ford aluminum bodies are probably pretty eternal, but a buddy of mine had an aluminum Ford where the DIFF COVER rotted through and started leaking! WTF?? And even if the rust situation is better, the engine, transmissions, and electrical systems sure aren’t. My across the street neighbors just got a transmission in thier 2yo $85K Silverado replaced under warranty. And I am waiting for the engine to blow up on it, it has the explodey one that fix for was “slightly thicker oil”.
My 2003 Chevrolet (Suzuki) Tracker oil pan rusted through and was leaking oil all over the garage floor so I had to replace the oil pan.
This is a metal pan, but it’s filled with oil! And it still rusted through.
WTF???
The Japanese are REALLY good at rust. They seemingly took it from the Italians and perfected it.
Another friend had a Ford pickup where the dipstick tube rotted through and was just held on by the bolt at the top. Impressive.
I swear pickups are just made out of the junkiest bits they can get away with, then people pay just absolutely stupid money for them. I don’t get it.
Also, how the hell pick up trucks got so tall?
Fragile masculinity?
Overcompensation for micropeens.
So what does my ’01 S-10 say about me?
That you are a smart lad or lass who drives a truck that is an actually useful size with no need to compensate for anything.
The triumph of marketing over empathy and introspection. I’ve literally seen people write that they need a taller truck because they’re tired of having difficulty seeing over and around all the oversized vehicles in traffic.
All the other reasons. But also, spec creep / nuclear arms race.
Ford/Ram comes out with 0.1″ more ground clearance, or 50 pounds more payload, or 100 pounds more towing capacity. So GM revises their truck to be just a little bit better. So Ram makes theirs bigger. So Ford does the same. Over and over again.
Almost everyone and their brother that “must have” 4wd. Back in the day when 4x4s were a small percentage of sales the trucks were designed as 2wd first and foremost. The to make the 4×4 they had to jack them up to get that front drive in there. Then it switched so that now 2wd is a small percentage of sales. So now trucks are designed to be 4×4 from the start and the 2wd trucks are just as tall as the 4wd to make the 2wds profitable. Also people started expecting 33’s from the factory on their 4x4s.
My guess (other than “design”/marketing) is the switch to disc brakes requiring bigger wheels, to clear them (compared to drum brakes). A secondary reason would be the added vertical packaging space needed for turbos and coil packs.
I want to live in a country where my president drives / is driven around a Tatra T613.
How can we move there?
Here’s the thing, though… Even though the Express van is ancient, it still sells for about the same money as a barebones Silverado WT. I don’t know that you could build the modernized GMT400 for less.
I guess if you want a hair shirt pickup, you could order an Express Cab-and-Chassis and fit it with an Aussie-style tray, or maybe even a takeoff bed from a current Silverado. I’ve seen a few RAM ProMaster cab-and-chassis with tray/beds running around. It’s not a bad idea.
That’s fairly common in Europe for the Transits, Ducatos and whatever the Renault version is called.
Often carrying traffic signs, road workers seem to like them.
This is the thing you are looking for:
https://images.coches.com/_news_/2024/09/155dc2a96ef5811121cabd370fed19b5.jpg
That is so much better for doing actual work it isn’t even funny. The loading height is still a bit high, but you can just drop the sides and easily access what’s on the bed, and load it with a forklift from any direction. And they basically don’t exist on this side of the pond, because Americans all want to be the Marlboro Man tossing hay to the cattle on his ranch or something.
Have I got this straight? An emerging nation is one that’s making moves to join the greater nations of the world, but is still in relative infancy by comparison. An e-merging nation is one where EVs are making big inroads toward the automotive mainstream. So, the US is neither of these.
In terms of vehicles, the US has always mostly just done it’s own thing. Not much reason that will change anytime soon. Even the stuff that is kinda-sorta global product that is sold here usually isn’t once you look at the actual specifications, and/or sells in tiny numbers or is a luxury product or otherwise not mainstream.
I sure did enjoy the 2 door stepside 350 GMT400 I had in the 90’s. it was just RWD, but up until the 2000’s, I really cared less for 4×4 pickups. they were really only ever 2 wd anyway. the right rear and left front in most cases. And outside of the full time 4wd K5 I had, the 4wd systems were terrible for anything except really slick stuff anyway. the standard 4×4 system would dogwalk around tight corners on dry pavement. it took the advent of AWD or part time AWD to get the higher end Z71’s to live nicely in a snow storm that had some roads perfectly fine and the next one not so much.
I had an 88 Scottsdale trim with Z71 package. Manual windows, locks, rubber mats, cloth bench. I had it for a long while, i swapped a 89 crate motor with 67 heads into it. What a great truck. Swapped 95 Z71 Burb wheels on it. Cab corners, china front fenders, buddy sold me a w/t 1500 bed (body lines were slighty off). What a great truck. Painted it matte black from Tractor. Everyone loved it. Great ride. 4L 60 kicked and I couldn’t justify keeping it. I still miss that thing
700R4 back then. I know the 4l60E is both loved and hated for various reasons, but damn it if the TV cable on a 700R4 was not set quite right.
The TV cables were a PITA! I liked my 4L60E, but that might have been because someone else had already paid to have it rebuilt.
the 4LSLIPPY E gets a bad rap, but they are fine for most things. over 150K on one in one vehicle and closer to 200K on the other vehicle I have that still runs them. Like all things care and maintenance are the key. Certainly, even the 700R4 was not the worst. I would deal with one of those over an AOD Ford any day of the week.
I would like to officially request Jasonia be the new home of SAAB. I mean, hey, it couldn’t get any more screwed up, right? And I’d like a new version of the classic 900 while we’re at it.
I’d so much buy one. Turbo Combi Coupe for me please.
“hey, it couldn’t get any more screwed up, right?”
– Trabant enters the chat…
Ouch. I thought of the classic Clarkson phrase “How hard could it be?” About 20 minutes after I did the post. Yeah.
C’mon, Bishop. Jasonia needs a new Saab 900. Maybe a one-make rally. At least two turbo Combi coupes for me and Albert.
I mean…yes…but weren’t there a bunch of regulations (efficiency? safety?) passed since then which prompted the transition to the hulking monsters we have now? Somehow I remember something about that…making them big and heavier put them into a different classification which got them out of those regs? Was this a fever dream? Perhaps those regs never took effect in Jasonia?