I’m going to guess that if you’re a current or former child reading this right now, you’re likely familiar with what is generally known as The Diarrhea Song. Well, maybe you needed to be from an English-speaking country, now that I think about it, but that’s helpful anyway, since I think the language I’m typing right now is English, or at least close enough. What I’m saying is that I bet everyone knows the Diarrhea Song.
The Diarrhea Song is, as its name implies, a song about the intestinal malady we all know and fear. It’s a bit of folk music, known for it’s ability to be continued infinitely, and is generally thought to have originated sometime in the 1960s, rapidly spreading all over the country via the underground kid-network of schools, playgrounds, summer camps, and forced family vacations.
In case you’re, somehow, improbably, not aware of the song, perhaps this clip of it being sung in the 1989 Steve Martin vehicle, Parenthood, will pull it back from the bowels (get it?) of your memory:
Or, more recently, it showed up in an episode of the charming animated series, Bob’s Burgers:
You know the song. And you may have noticed that there’s already a well-established automotive-related verse:
“When you’re drivin’ in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!”
This got me thinking. I want more. Not more diarrhea, more automotive-focused Diarrhea Song verses! We can all think of some! Here’s all the guidelines I think you’ll need to craft them, from an authoritative blog on the subject:
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1. A scene-setting preposition, usually just one word will do. Classically, this has taken the form of “When”.
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2. The first free-form part of The Song, this should further develop a sense of place, time, urgency, activity or any other useful stage on-which Diarrhea could plausibly occur. The only true requirement for this element is that it rhyme with element #4, below.
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3. Insert the mandatory conjunction AND. There are very few hard rules in creation of The Diarrhea Song, the use of and in the middle is a tradition, and as such, an exception to the rule. Please use it.
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4. The second free-form part of The Song, this is the punch line. It is here that it will be revealed how one knows that it is, in fact Diarrhea, and not something else. In other words, describe the result of the Diarrhea (i.e.. “You feel something burst”). Keep in mind that this should rhyme with element #2.
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5. Add the famous ending that truly identifies your work as part of the long legacy of The Diarrhea Song: “Diarrhea, Diarrhea”. If you are a traditionalist, you may prefer the more automata-poetic, “Diarrhea, Plop, Plop, Diarrhea”. Both variations are correct, according to the linguistics department.
That makes sense, right? Let’s give it a try! How about a Subaru-focused one?
When you’re driving in your BRAT,
and your shorts you totally shat,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Okay, not bad! How about a more action-focused one?
When you’re stomping on the brake,
And your pants you fully cake,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Hell yeah! Okay, let’s go through all the gears in a manual transmission now!
When you’re shifting into first,
And you feel your trousers burst,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
When you’re shifting into second,
And you create something fecund,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
When you’re shifting into third,
And you lay a squishy turd,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
When you jam it into fourth,
And some poop comes bursting forth,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
When you’re dropping into fifth,
And your seat begins to lift,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
When you pop into reverse
And you get that fecal curse,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Call me a child, but I like those. Let’s try for more specific cars now:
When you’re off-roading in your Jeep
And your butt wants to seep,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Hm. Not too bad. Let’s try another:
When you’re zooming in your ‘Vette
And your pants are full of shette,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Can we allow that one? Maybe?
When you driving in your Beemer
And you lay a hefty steamer,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
See? I didn’t just use Stanley Steamer and repeat the word!
When you’re racing in your Jag
And your pants fill with slag,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Hm. What about a low-hanging microcar fruit:
When you’re tooling in your Messerschmitt
And you make a messy shit,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Let’s do another microcar one:
When you’re driving your Isetta,
And your pants smell like feta,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Let’s class this up a bit:
When you’re riding in your Rolls-Royce
And your butt gives you no choice,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
How about a wrenching-focused one?
When you’re gettin’ out your tools
And your pants are filled with stools,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
How about some Italian flair?
When you’re zoomin’ in your Lancia,
And you’re filling up your pantia,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Or maybe French!
When you’re movin’ in your Peugeot
And you’re making lots of goo-jo,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea!
Sloppy. But all of this is!
Hey, David has a few to contribute too!
When it’s your last ride in your hearse,But you have the Hershey squirts,Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you hypermile your hy-brid,But your poo is invi-scid,Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re listening to your Bose,But your rear main-seal really flows,Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Okay I think it may be time to pass this off to you, the Greater Autopian Community, to take a crack at this. I respect the collective brainpower of this community immensely, and I can’t think of a better application for that collective cognitive power than coming up with automotive-focused scatological verses to a playground song.
Let’s make this page and the comments section the definitive source for car-related Diarrhea Song lyrics on the internet! I believe in us! If we get enough, maybe we’ll sing them in a video? Something!
When you’re driving in your Saab and you drop a great big log…
Funnily enough, this was one of our go-to roadtrip time killers with my mother and I back in the day.
When you’re in the Country Squire,
and in your pants, there’s liquid fire,
diarrhea, diarrhea!
Stuck in your Geo Metro,
and in the seat, it finally lets go,
diarrhea, diarrhea!
I have never, ever, before in my life encountered this song. You all need therapy. Urgently.
No, English is not my native language, but my command of English is generally considered to be quite good.
Higher praise has never been heaped upon this site and its commentariat.
What’s the record for engagement
‘Cause I think Torchinsky slayed it,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When yer readin’ Shitbox Showdown
And yer arse begins to throw down,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you sell your rusty Jeep
And your sphincter starts to seep,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you hop in your Miata
And your butt makes a frittata,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
If you’re drivin’ in your Cybertruck
Then you are diarrhea….
…diarrhea
When you’re drivin’ in your X-Bow
And your pants you overflow,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Racin’ on the flats at Speed Week
And your rear end starts to speed leak,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you’re cruisin’ down on Woodward
And your butt does something untoward,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Now you’re in your Deux Chevaux
And you’ve really gotta go,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
You just ate shower spaghetti
Now your pants are brown and wetty,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Cruisin’ in your Pontiac
With liquid squirtin’ out your crack,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you drive your Mitsubishi
And fill your pants with somethin’ squishy,
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you’re redlining your Fireblade,
And someone in front of you crossing on red,
Diarrhea, Shitty behaviour, Diarrhea!
When you feel somethin’ rumblin’ /
And you got ‘nternal combust’n /
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you’re driving in your nissan
and your shorts are really greasin’
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you’re in a Gremlin
And you commit a scatological sin
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your in your MG Midget
But your butt starts to fidget
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you race away from the cops
But something else plops
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you’re in your Psychobilly Cadillac
And there’s dung from your bung hole to your sack
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your driving a Nissan
But there isn’t a john
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you push your car
But you push too far
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you’re getting sucked in your seat
But out comes something sweet
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your guts begin to stir, call your reupholsterer…
When you’re riding in Atlanta and your butt makes some Fanta…
When you’re in your Mazda going zoom zoom and you feel boom boom, diarrhea diarrhea
When your ten gallon hat is feeling five gallons flat…
Wait, I may not have understood the assignment.
I think the cheese would have the opposite effect, provided you’re not lactose intolerant.