It’s Imperative That We Come Up With Some Automotive-Focused Verses For The Diarrhea Song

I’m going to guess that if you’re a current or former child reading this right now, you’re likely familiar with what is generally known as The Diarrhea Song. Well, maybe you needed to be from an English-speaking country, now that I think about it, but that’s helpful anyway, since I think the language I’m typing right now is English, or at least close enough. What I’m saying is that I bet everyone knows the Diarrhea Song.

The Diarrhea Song is, as its name implies, a song about the intestinal malady we all know and fear. It’s a bit of folk music, known for it’s ability to be continued infinitely, and is generally thought to have originated sometime in the 1960s, rapidly spreading all over the country via the underground kid-network of schools, playgrounds, summer camps, and forced family vacations.

In case you’re, somehow, improbably, not aware of the song, perhaps this clip of it being sung in the 1989 Steve Martin vehicle, Parenthood, will pull it back from the bowels (get it?) of your memory:

Or, more recently, it showed up in an episode of the charming animated series, Bob’s Burgers:

You know the song. And you may have noticed that there’s already a well-established automotive-related verse:

“When you’re drivin’ in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!”

This got me thinking. I want more. Not more diarrhea, more automotive-focused Diarrhea Song verses! We can all think of some! Here’s all the guidelines I think you’ll need to craft them, from an authoritative blog on the subject:

• 1. A scene-setting preposition, usually just one word will do. Classically, this has taken the form of “When”.

• 2. The first free-form part of The Song, this should further develop a sense of place, time, urgency, activity or any other useful stage on-which Diarrhea could plausibly occur. The only true requirement for this element is that it rhyme with element #4, below.

• 3. Insert the mandatory conjunction AND. There are very few hard rules in creation of The Diarrhea Song, the use of and in the middle is a tradition, and as such, an exception to the rule. Please use it.

• 4. The second free-form part of The Song, this is the punch line. It is here that it will be revealed how one knows that it is, in fact Diarrhea, and not something else. In other words, describe the result of the Diarrhea (i.e.. “You feel something burst”). Keep in mind that this should rhyme with element #2.

• 5. Add the famous ending that truly identifies your work as part of the long legacy of The Diarrhea Song: “Diarrhea, Diarrhea”. If you are a traditionalist, you may prefer the more automata-poetic, “Diarrhea, Plop, Plop, Diarrhea”. Both variations are correct, according to the linguistics department.

That makes sense, right? Let’s give it a try! How about a Subaru-focused one?

When you’re driving in your BRAT,

and your shorts you totally shat,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Okay, not bad! How about a more action-focused one?

When you’re stomping on the brake,

And your pants you fully cake,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Hell yeah! Okay, let’s go through all the gears in a manual transmission now!

When you’re shifting into first,

And you feel your trousers burst,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

 

When you’re shifting into second,

And you create something fecund,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

 

When you’re shifting into third,

And you lay a squishy turd,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

When you jam it into fourth,

And some poop comes bursting forth,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

 

When you’re dropping into fifth,

And your seat begins to lift,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

 

When you pop into reverse

And you get that fecal curse,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Call me a child, but I like those. Let’s try for more specific cars now:

When you’re off-roading in your Jeep

And your butt wants to seep,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Hm. Not too bad. Let’s try another:

When you’re zooming in your ‘Vette

And your pants are full of shette,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Can we allow that one? Maybe?

When you driving in your Beemer

And you lay a hefty steamer,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

See? I didn’t just use Stanley Steamer and repeat the word!

When you’re racing in your Jag

And your pants fill with slag,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Hm. What about a low-hanging microcar fruit:

When you’re tooling in your Messerschmitt

And you make a messy shit,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Let’s do another microcar one:

When you’re driving your Isetta,

And your pants smell like feta,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Let’s class this up a bit:

When you’re riding in your Rolls-Royce

And your butt gives you no choice,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

How about a wrenching-focused one?

When you’re gettin’ out your tools

And your pants are filled with stools,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

How about some Italian flair?

When you’re zoomin’ in your Lancia,

And you’re filling up your pantia,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Or maybe French!

When you’re movin’ in your Peugeot

And you’re making lots of goo-jo,

Diarrhea, Diarrhea!

Sloppy. But all of this is!

Hey, David has a few to contribute too!

Okay I think it may be time to pass this off to you, the Greater Autopian Community, to take a crack at this. I respect the collective brainpower of this community immensely, and I can’t think of a better application for that collective cognitive power than coming up with automotive-focused scatological verses to a playground song.

Let’s make this page and the comments section the definitive source for car-related Diarrhea Song lyrics on the internet! I believe in us! If we get enough, maybe we’ll sing them in a video? Something!