Chicago is a place that I recommend every American visit at least once in their life, preferably during the summer. The city has stunning architecture, excellent museums, and heartwarming culture. People from Chicago and its nearby suburbs are also just weird. We love to eat pizzas that go deeper than an inch, and oh yeah, some of us really love a drink that tastes vaguely like 10-year-old earwax covered in gasoline.
Yeah, this nasty stuff is called Jeppson’s Malört, and golly, it’s something else. The company that makes the stuff, CH Distillery, embraces how terrible it tastes. Malört’s motto is “Weeding out the weak since 1933.” The company also says “Through the decades, Jeppson’s Malört – a traditional wormwood-based digestif – has been thought of as a rite of passage or a hangover cure. For many Chicagoans, Malört is the drink that has defined the Chicago bar experience.” The company’s social media page is even more hilarious, with the most recent post saying “Malört, these pants won’t shit themselves.”
Anyway, all of this Malört talk is because legend and new contributor Murilee Martin wrote about flying around the world to collect obscure car badges. Andy Individual gives shocking advice on how to get rid of pesky adhesives:
FYI. Malört is excellent for dissolving the kinds of adhesives used to attach car badges. Even after decades of vulcanizing. It’s also effective at old tree sap and bugs.
I don’t think it’s good for anything else, though…
Edit: Don’t leave it on the old tree sap or bugs for too long or it will take the paint off with it.
Wait, I’m basically drinking paint stripper? Ah, oh well. I’ll continue to enjoy this drink that tastes like sewage tank water covered in battery acid.
Earlier today, Thomas wrote about how small cars appear to be making a comeback. I second this suggestion by Andiamo345:
Please bring the Honda Fit back to the US Honda! I previously owned a 2008 5MT Sport and a 2012 5MT sport and they were incredible, spacious, fun, inexpensive cars!
We also wrote about how someone bought a Dodge Journey this year, and you know what, I’m also with OrigamiSensei here:
Honestly, for the right person at the right price, why not? It’s a piece of basic transportation, an appliance; nothing more, but also nothing less. I might laugh at people who are obviously compensating for their shortcomings, but I won’t laugh at someone just trying to get by.
Finally, Mark’s alphabetical order-based Shitbox Showdowns have been great, and so have the comments. KYFire:
Modest Mitsubishi Mirage makes mobile motivation monetarily maintainable, mais, mini Morris Minor makes moments more memorable.
Have a great evening, everyone!
I have friends from Chicago who keep bringing me Malort because they claim it’s the only thing that they can because customs refuses to seize it at the border.
I’ve been trying to find the equivalent retaliatory gift, but so far have only come up with Celine Dion and Nickleback CDs. I thought about Screech, but it turns out that it is too good for getting the taste of Malort out of your mouth.
Hmm…Maybe a pizza with pineapple on it.
Edit. Also, I’m going to celebrate COTD with a Goose Island IPA later.
Anyone who likes bitter herbal digestifs from Europe will not find Malort all that strange, it’s just the strong wormwood note that makes it a bit different. Most Americans turn up their nose at anything bitter but in other parts of the world it’s not a turn off. Personally I don’t think it’s terrible.
Malort really isn’t all *that* something-else. It’s fine. If you really want too\ get punched in the face, try something like Enrico Toro Centerba 72. You’ll come right back for another punch, too.
But Malort *is* nonetheless a permanent part of my beloved Chicago. It wasn’t even ever available outside of Chicago until around seven years ago, so I find it weird for people to be talking about it nationally. There’s a nice book about it that came out last year by Josh Noel, “Malort: The Redemption of a Revered and Reviled Spirit”
I’m up in WI and the curling club I belong to uses Malort as a punishment shot when you screw up. The latest consensus option I’ve heard is that it tastes like a different kind of nastiness every time you drink it; it’s the drink that keeps you guessing. Can’t say I’m surprised it also works as adhesive remover and paint thinner.
I work in the liquor industry and the greatest branded T-shirt I have ever seen was a Malort shirt in Chicago. it had the logo on the front and on the back said
Malort,
“Tonight’s the night you fight your dad.”
#winning
One of my favorite pizza joints in Denver, Black Sky Brewery, must have some ex-Chicagoans on staff, because they seem to advertise and sell plenty of Maalort.
I think the best sign on their wall is an ad featuring a bottle shot that reads: “Maalort: Tonight’s the night you fight your dad.”
Malort has been expanding their reach outside of Chicago, so it’s not necessary for there to be former Chicagoans involved.
I dunno about the Malort, but I absolutely love that fishbowl bus in the case behind it!
The real ones in Chicago eat thin tavern-style pizzas, and take tourists to Malnati’s for lasagna with crust.
Grew up there late 70s early 80s. Native. We ate Malnati’s.
The folks that ate the tavern style pizza were the blue collar folks who did hard work and showed up dirty because it was cheap and fast.
Now that everyone likes to cosplay working people by driving trucks and being “tactical”, they’re looking down their noses at deep dish.
So go ahead, eat your tavern style pizza and pretend that you belong. I’ll be hanging out with all the tourists.
The “real ones” don’t gatekeep.
Does not compute…
We ate tavern-style growing up because it was just what we preferred. Most people in my social group gravitate and have always gravitated towards tavern-style. I’ve never heard anyone associate pizza style with class.
I eat deep dish every once in a while but stick to tavern-style because I don’t want to go into a coma every time I eat pizza.
Just eat whatever the fuck you want.
All of the lifelong Chicagoans I know (which I can’t claim to be since I don’t actually live in the city) mostly eat deep dish and will totally get in an argument with you over which restaurant is the best. I’m a Lou’s diehard, and I will die on that hill!
One of my exes was a vegan and my mind was blown when we managed to find a place that served vegan deep dish. It was surprisingly ok!
Vegan!!?!??? Wow!
Back in my twenties I would hang out with a group of friends that I really didn’t care for that much. We would go to a shitty sports bar, hang out and everyone would buy a round of shots. When it was my turn, I would order Malort and not tell anyone.
I’m not friends with them anymore.
There’s a cocktail made with Malört that’s actually pretty decent. It’s called the Hard Sell, because, yeah:
https://kindredcocktails.com/cocktail/hard-sell
Someone pointed out to me recently that there’s a pretty strong note of grapefruit peel, and suggested you could probably mix it with Squirt or something like that and have a pretty decent drink. I don’t mind it straight, the taste is kind of like potpourri and hand sanitizer with a bit of a soapy aftertaste, but it’s the kind of thing you can somehow find yourself coming back for a little bit more of.
I love Malört but miss the pre-CH version. While the CH version is objectively a better product, it sanded down the rough edges that made it notorious. Barrel aging it makes it more akin to an alpine amaro as it sweetens it a bit, adds oak notes, and makes the grapefruit notes pop. I’ve done infusions with candied ginger and strawberry and both are great. Two of my favorite cocktails with it are the Malörtarita and Malörtarac. Great riffs on the margarita and sazerac respectively. I keep my barrel aged in a middle finger decanter as it’s utterly appropriate.
Many years ago I worked at an industrial facility in the upper Midwest. In the machine shop they had bottles of some industrial solvent that some wise apple put Malort labels on to anger the shop lead who was from Chicago. They loved new people coming in and asking about it, because then they could crack jokes about the solvent tasting better. They also kept some degreaser in bottles labeled as “Lutefisk” to irritate the Minnesotans in the shop.
After much hype I had a few shots of Malort at the Gambler 500NY clubhouse a few years back and it was not nearly as disgusting as it was said to be. I was quite disappointed.
That was my experience. It’s really been meme-ified as like the most disgusting shit ever, like you’re gonna projectile vomit across the room if you even catch a whiff. I mean, I didn’t exactly enjoy it, but it wasn’t that bad. I wouldn’t have said it was any more unpleasant than a shot of room temp shitty well tequila or rum.
Right? My go to Bourbon (wild turkey 101) is much worse and I drink that on purpose.
Same. It’s nasty, but so are most straight liquors, in my opinion. The only liquor I’ve had that stood out as uniquely sickening was Brennevin (sp?) in Iceland. Just NAST. I remember my mouth turned down and was stuck that way for half an hour.
I am from suburbs outside Chicago and have only had Malort once and will never again it tasted like a crappy light beer that had been sitting opened since before I was born.
I did Malört back to back with Underberg once and I can tell you the combined taste could only be described as eating a used urinal cake
You need to mix the two so the flavors can meld.
Oh they melded alright
I had the opportunity to taste Malört once. It’s not what I would call a “sip and savor” beverage, but it did not cause me to regret it.
Malört is just one of a seemingly endless list of regional high-proof spirits with questionable flavor profiles. My father-in-law used to go to a bar in the mining town where he lived that had a collection of different Slivovitzs.
It’s not even high proof. The bottle says it’s only 70 proof. If I’m gonna drink something nasty to get drunk, bring on the high test moonshine.
Too much alcohol and you can’t taste the earwax.
Sliv can be brutal. Have had many home made versions direct from Slovakia and that shit is 100x worse than Malort.
Malort is pretty easy to drink.
Oh yeah, the home-brew Slivo can and often will knock you flat on your ass. Sometimes, it can also be a boomerang drink.
My wife’s family is Serbian, so I’ve become quite familiar with The Sliv. There is a lot of variation in quality, with most of them on the “oh fuck what did I just drink” end of the scale. There are good ones, but you’ve got to be in the know to find them. Zuta Osa is my go to.
Croatian/Slovenian/Hungarian ancestry here. My grandfather would give us tastes of Sliv when we were still quite young. He passed when I was 7 if that gives you any idea of how young. I gifted my dad a bottle for his 60th birthday, and he said “not this shit again!”
At all large gatherings of my wife’s family, all members that have reached puberty are required to do a shot together. The youngins have to be rounded up like turkeys on Thanksgiving.
My mother’s side is Greek, so it was Ouzo with her family. Dad’s family was drinkin Sliv. Meanwhile, my wife’s family has been making moonshine for years
The most questionable flavor award has to go to the sourtoe: https://dawsoncity.ca/sourtoe-cocktail-club/
Nobody tell them that any alcohol will dissolve adhesives…
Yeah but using Malort specifically will get rid of more Malort.
How was COTD about Malört but Stef was not the one making the comment? What has this world come to??!
1000% this. Stef is the Malort queen.
Saw the headline, came to read Stef’s comment, left shocked, but still entertained.
Sadly, the last time Stef made a Malort comment was back in December. You gotta get that game back up, Stef!
She must just prefer to advertise her weird taste in the discord now instead.
I haven’t had that brand but I did t care for the one I tried. Also, not a chartreuse fan. I like EVERYTHING else. Scotch, rum, gin, amaros, wine, oh god the wine, tequila, mezcal…
“That brand?” You mean to tell me Malört has market competition?
Technically, “Malört” is a registered trademark of CH Distillery, so only Jeppsen’s can be called that, but there are various knockoffs/imitators
Malört is a besk, which is a class of Swedish wormwould based liquors. Malört is simply the brand name. Letherbee, also in Chicago, makes a besk.
This has been more educational than expected!
Looks like the one I had was R. Franklin Brand. It was about 10 years ago
Or leatherbee brand/Franklin recipe? Something like that
I appreciate the tire-fire bouquet of Becherovka, myself.
People think Malört tastes bad? TIL.
Not if you leave the tree sap and bugs mixed in.