The Definitive Looksmaxxing Guide To Automotive Chewing Resources

Here at the Autopian, we make a special effort to keep our fingers on the pulse of modern culture; specifically, the femoral pulse, located uncomfortably deep in the groin. If there’s anything that this pulse has told us, it’s that right now, the world is deeply concerned with looksmaxxing, the process of maxximatizing one’s looks, for purposes of attracting mates and mogging one’s frame or whatever the hell it is those dipshits say. Anyway, a significant part of the looksmaxxing process involves chewing, directed, vigorous, brutal chewing, in hopes of getting an ideal chiseled jawline and tendons in your neck that stand out and strain like suspension bridge cables, or something.

With this in mind, it’s high time that an automotive website finally stepped up and addressed this community with something genuinely helpful: a breakdown of the most jawmaxxing chewmaxxible mandiblemaxximizing parts of a car, and how to utilize their chewabilistic potentials! We’re that automotive website, and we’re going to positively automotively-frame mog every other site out there!

I want to be clear that I’m not just jumping on some trend here: I’ve been focused on the chewability of car parts for years, and wrote about it almost a decade ago. What’s different now is that there’s a whole new audience for my car-part-chewing advice, and it’s a young audience, who may continue these chewsperiences throughout their long, misguided lives! Let’s get to it!

Tires

Look, why not start with the big guns? A tire is practically made for looksmaximizing chewing! The thick, tough rubber provides your jaw muscles with an ideal high-impact workout, and the steel belts embedded within the rubber give added resiliency to the chewsperience, and also, via the many scrapes, punctures, and scratches, provide a means to add a vigorous, densely-patterned scarification layer to inner cheek skin, which helps to tighten and tone the jawline.

Tires can be chewed right on the car, making for a very convenient chewportunity in any parking lot, or, if you’d like more portability or indoor accessibility, you can just carry around a temporary spare, ready for chewing at a moment’s notice.

Just be careful of puncturing the tire, which could lead to an explosion that would blastmaxx your mandible right off your head.

Bump Stops

You know how dogs tend to have such fantastic jawlines? Sure you do. We’ve all been canine-frame-mogged by some confident Jack Russell and their impeccably chiseled jawline. There’s reasons for that! First is that they have the advantage of a long, careful breeding program, unlike most of us, who come from breeding pairs based on people working at the same office or being drunk around one another at the right moment. There’s nothing you can do about that.

But what you can do is study the canine’s jawmaxxing techniques, which often include the vigorous chewing of a Kong, a chew toy based on the rear suspension bump stop from a Volkswagen Type 2 bus. While it’s illegal in most states to sell canine chew toys for human use or gratification, you can still legally buy suspension bump stops for your chewing needs.

These will be a bit chewier than a tire, but still quite resilient and provide a powerful chewsperience.

Weatherstripping

There’s more than one kind of jawline-enhancing chewmethodolgies, of course, and the good news is that your average car can provide a variety of experience types. Where tires and bumpstops are great for short-term, high-intensity chewsessions, what about a more manageable chewsperience you can use while going about your daily business? That’s where car door weatherstripping comes in.

The softer, often slightly more porous rubber of weatherstripping is ideal for a long, slow, constant chew to help tone the jaw muscles and mandibles. Simply peel off about two to five feet of weatherstripping from inside a car doorjamb, and cram that into your mouth in a huge wad.

Sure, you’ll probably gag and choke frequently, cheeks stretched out like a greedy hamster, as you slowly and carefully masticate the rubbery wad jammed in your mouth. Keep a rag handy to catch the drool that will be dripping like a leaky faucet from your mouth as fat tentacles of saliva-sliced weatherstripping escape your mouth.

Dashboard Padding

Another less-intense but still helpful chewportunity on a car is the dashboard padding. The nature of dashboard padding is such that it is ideal for more front-of-jaw exercises, which are often neglected in favor of more molar-heavy chewsperiences. Dashboards are ideal for incisor-based biting and tearing methods, which can also strengthen neck muscles as you strain to pull and tear textured chunks of rubber-and-foam from a dashboard with your teeth.

Be careful not to set off any airbags as you chew and tear through a dashboard, which can also result in unplanned and overly comprehensive bonesmashing.

Volvo 200-Series and 700-Series “Ladder” Headrests

These are my personal favorite things to bite in cars; I have no idea just how helpful the biting of these headrests – specifically the horizontal bars – actually is for looksmaxxing purposes, but I can tell you that it is immensely pleasurable, from a biting context: they have a pleasing resiliency in their outer rubber skin, which has a wonderful leather-like texture for enhanced mouthfeel, and the slightly less dense inner foam creates an ideal chewsperience, with just the right amount of yield and tension.

Your chewing isn’t all about jawline enhancement, after all – sometimes you just need to chew on car parts for the sheer enjoyment of it all, the unbridled sensory wonderment of a good car part chew.

I wish you all luck on your looks maxximilizing journeys, and even if I personally look upon the whole movement with confused dismay and mild revulsion, that does not mean it should affect your choices. And when it comes to chewing car parts, I think we have a wonderful common ground upon which to interact, and I hope you have some intense and meaningful car part chewing experiences.

(Also, don’t really do these things. They’re dangerous and stupid. I’m being silly.)

Top graphic images: Head & Neck Surgical Associates; Burton 2CV Parts