As you may have noticed, we’ve got the Stellantis Fever real bad here at The Autopian, and the only cure is what you’re seeing now: wild speculation! That, and maybe whatever antibiotics they usually use for a UTI. In looking at the big chart of future Stellantis, one particular draped future-car caught my attention more than the others: the one labeled GLH.
For those of you unaware of what the GLH is, or was, first off I promise I won’t tell anyone what an uncultured swine you are, and secondly, let me explain. The GLH (which was said to stand for Goes Like Hell) was a version of the Dodge Omni/Plymouth Horizon entry-level FWD hatchback that had been breathed upon and erotically massaged by none other than Carrol Shelby himself to create one of the ’80s most celebrated hot hatches.
What made the GLH (and the later, even hotter, GLH-S) special was, at least in part, because the car it was based on was so humble, as is the tradition of all good hot hatches. The original Dodge Omni/Plymouth Horizon started life as a “world car,” the Chrysler Horizon, developed by Chrysler Europe. A transverse-engined, FWD car, the Horizon was sold as a Chrysler, Talbot, and Simca in Europe, and in America it was sold as either a Plymouth or Dodge, and was the first true FWD/transverse-engined car sold by the Big Three.
Of course, early on Chrysler had to source 1.7-liter engines from Volkswagen’s Westmoreland, Pennsylvania plant, but they soon replaced those with their own 2.2-liter inline-fours.
The Shelby-modified versions made 110 hp, good for 0-60 times of 8.7 seconds, respectable for the time, especially from a little hatchback, then a GLH Turbo was available with 146 hp, and the later GLH-S with made a genuinely impressive 175 hp, enough to embarrass genuine sports cars that cost far more.
So, with some of that history out of the way, what are we to make of whatever is hiding under this sheet in the lower left here, from Stellantis’ bold plans to turn its fortunes around from earlier today?
Here, let’s zoom in. Computer! Zoom and enhance, sector 1, 5!
There it is, in the upper left: a new GLH. So what do we think this re-born hot hatch will actually be?
Here’s all that Stellantis’ head of American brands and North America marketing and retail strategy, Tim Kuniskis, had to say about it earlier today:
The big news though is that we’re going to be adding a true entry level performance vehicle, a gateway into the brotherhood of muscle. Think of it as the next generation of Hornet, but the way we should have done it the first time.”
This is especially interesting because it’s about as close to an admission from Stellantis about how they screwed up the Hornet as we’re ever likely to get. It also helps suggest what this “true entry level performance vehicle” is likely to be: most likely a compact crossover, which I suppose is the closest thing modern carmakers have to a hatchback.
Our own daydreaming designer, The Bishop, has imagined some possible re-born GLHs before, including this hypothetical EV revival:
I love the look of this, but I suspect an actual neo-Hornet-based one wouldn’t be quite so trim and hatchback-like as this.
Still, who knows? It’s free to hope, I suppose.
The last Hornet Dodge made was a re-badged Alfa Romeo Tonale, and was a sort of bloated, unreliable, and generally unloved thing. It’s been out of production since at least the start of this year and if we’re honest, no one has really missed it.
But it seems like Stellantis has realized this harsh reality, and, as Yoda once said, the greatest teacher failure is. I think just the fact that they’re planning on a new GLH is reason to be hopeful!
And, after all, when has Stellantis ever let us down, right?
It would be nice if it had the same kind of head room for front and rear seat passengers that the old Omni/Horizons had.
This will likely be, in a reversal of fortune, the more expensive version of one of those cheap Chrysler crossovers. This is strange and kind of sad, but Chrysler is Plymouth now.
Welcome back, Caliber SRT4!
GLH = “Geaux Lack Hornet”
(Too bad it won’t be a 208)
Their goal should be: “Here are the GR Corolla and the CTR; Beat them.”
Sadly, it will not be.
As the former owner of two Omni GLH’s I am intrigued.
Growing up in the 80’s, I feel like everyone knew someone who had an Omni. Good times. I love the Bishop’s rendering and would buy that right now.
“The big news though is that we’re going to be adding a true entry level performance vehicle, a gateway into the brotherhood of muscle”
Oh for fucks sake; the “brotherhood of muscle”?
That dog whistle just confirms that I am not the intended audience.
You don’t wear a giant white or gold tone watch and sunglasses on the back of your head?
Please don’t be another SUV with a cool red badge and black wheels.
(It’s going to be an SUV with a red badge and black wheels isn’t it?)
Don’t forget the red hash marks on those black wheels!
And plastic cladding. So much plastic cladding.
Last Thanksgiving I rented a perfectly fine base level Toyota Corrolla and it had the minimum required amount to tech required by law. The GLH should be just as basic, no funny stuff, just fast stuff.
One can be optimistic about the car, but the language used to describe it approaches the horseshoe-like intersection of natural deodorants and podcast-fueled testosterone replacement abuse. Here’s hoping it has functioning emissions controls.
The sphincter is a muscle.
COTD
Seconded COTA
They could do the Opel Corsa GXE. 278hp and an alternative to Golf R
That appears to be an EV.. The Brotherhood of Muscle only wants starter and wiper motors…
Even by Stellantis standards that’s a crazy direct shot at the previous leadership (not pictured above)
Yeah in the corporate world a public statement like that might as well be a drive-by.
Better be a proper hatchback and not some shitty SUV. Also, it needs to be about the size of a Wendy’s potato and seat four while powered by a twin-turbo high output hurricane.
Anything less than that will be met with an incredibly lukewarm reception.
Be prepared for tepid tapwater.
That’s the Stellantis way, my friend.
This is the company dropping 777 hp into pick ups and used to hand out hellcats for way too cheap, I can only hope they will be irresponsible and actually drop an HO hurricane into a sub 3000lb hatchback, but alas, that would step on the toes of their bigger profit margin vehicles too much. Thus we will have the Hornet, again, but with a few more hp probably.
I really hope it is a hot hatch and not just a fiat 500.