After nearly a decade of radio silence and grand promises, the new Tesla Roadster is almost here. And my god, is it ever much, much weirder than imagined. For one, it looks completely different to the second-generation Roadster we saw roughly a decade ago. Think less Model 3 and more Lotus Esprit, with a wedgy silhouette and billionaire doors. There’s even a touch of Reventon to the general headlight shape, a bit of Diablo GTR to the front bumper, and a whiff of Testarossa to the haunches. However, what’s around back is even more interesting.
As shown in the absurd launch video, like the McMurtry Speirling the new Tesla Roadster is a fan car, capable of sucking itself down to the pavement even when parked, seemingly with enough force to hold it upside-down at a standstill. The fans work with an active rear wing to manipulate downforce on demand, with a low-drag configuration for high-speed running, a high-downforce configuration for track work, and settings in between. From Tesla:
Our multi-mode fan and ground sealing system acts as a downforce generator, pulling air out from beneath the vehicle. This provides enough suction to hold the vehicle upside down, even when stationary. Powered fans and active wings maximize traction and cornering speeds in all conditions, achieving massive downforce at zero speed. A next-gen steer-by-wire system offers incredible feedback in various road conditions. Activate Track Mode to lower the car and transform the suspension. High downforce or low drag modes can then be used as needed on the track.
The fans aren’t the party piece everyone will be talking about, though, and neither is the inboard suspension. The Roadster features a bevy of cold-gas thrusters aim to aid acceleration and, um, other stuff. The former, resulting in a claimed zero-to-60 mph time of 0.81 seconds. The latter, well…
On Tesla’s livestream, the marque showed the Roadster kickflipping over the entire Tesla range, including the Semi. No ramp, just vertical takeoff. Is that even legal? Actually, don’t answer that. Other stuff you need to know: A 230 MPH top speed, steer-by-wire, and targeted production in 2028. Still, zero-to-60 mph in 0.81 seconds alone would be insane. The quickest production cars on the planet right now take nearly a second longer. And flight? Flight? Really?
If this actually makes it to production as-is, it’s going to be bonkers. Elon Musk, wearing a T-shirt roughly two sizes too tight, just announced he wants to see it jump the Snake River Canyon. Tesla also claims to be targeting an eventual top speed of Mach 0.5, or about 383 MPH. Dozens more miles-per-hour than even the fastest existing machinery, and that’s even being generous and assuming the from-behind-the-balls measurement of a unidirectional run is used. There are plenty of reasons to be skeptical here. Skeptical of legislative approval, of the usefulness of the technology, of whether the Roadster will meet its lofty targets. It’s definitely warranted.
This isn’t the first time Tesla’s made grand promises, and a car with a vertical is perhaps the grandest yet. The marque’s light on information about how it’ll achieve its targets, how much it will cost, EPA range, and all that. But it can do a kickflip. Right. What we can say for now is that the first versions of the car will have the fan system, but will only have rockets at the back. Other axes of thrust allegedly come later, and are invitation-only.
In some ways, it’s like if Tesla took that Lamborghini bit from “Top Gear” literally. Invisible, lasers, can fly, etc. Of course the glass is tinted with copper. Of course Tesla claims the paint on the Roadster is optimized for space. Because that’s a real concern of most customers. Of course the seating position’s fixed like in a Ford GT, and of course it’s steer-by-wire like a Cybertruck. Come to think of it, steer-by-wire might be a benefit at high speeds, just slowing the ratio right down so the private equity guys who’ll buy these won’t immediately enter the nearest hedge backwards.
Even the concept of a rocket-assisted production car is very dumb. Sure, cold-gas thrusters don’t involve combustion and instead rely on pressurized inert gas to generate thrust, but is giving people the option to use them a brilliant idea? I mean, you’d draw some extraordinarily derisive gestures if you attempted to use them at the lights. Or in the McDonald’s drive-thru. And don’t get me started on thrusters beneath the car. That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, a real-life version of the vertical takedown from the “Burnout” franchise if used irresponsibly. Come to think of it, what would using it responsibly look like? Racetracks would generally frown upon it, airfields might not be happy, how many places in the world will give express permission to launch a Tesla Roadster straight up into the air?
However, one thing’s undeniable: This is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen. It leaves the world with so many more questions than answers right now, and it’ll be fun seeing where some of those answers lead. Especially because what we all saw basically redlines the bullshitometer. What an absolutely unhinged thing. You can certainly accuse the new Tesla Roadster of a lot, but ‘being boring’ isn’t on the list. Either we’re looking at the next Veyron or the next piece of vaporware. Only one way to find out, right?
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Top graphic image: Tesla
Pointless, useless, vaporware bullshit from the mind of someone who’s mentally nine years old. And it looks like one of those cheap-ass low quality knockoff hot wheels you find at the dollar store for like 59 cents.
Can we fire this one into space too, but this time stuff that fascist fuck inside? Tell him it’s going to Epstein Island, you won’t be able to get the door open fast enough for him.
Everyone please join me for the refrain:
“The flying car is only two years away!”
Are the trim levels crazy, really crazy and batshit?
Dumbest shit I’ve seen in a long time.
And automotive journalists being some of the dumbest people imaginable, will eat this shit up.
Juvenile fascist vaporware
Go Speed Racist Go!
COTD
It will never reach production.
I love how it’s almost styled…
I’ve said this before, but anyone deliberately trying to cultivate a James Bond villain vibe does, inevitably, become an Austin Powers villain.
I think we need to adjust the famous quote:
“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become Elon Musk.”
So why wasn’t that The Autopian’s angle for any of the three stories?
I must say, I kind of like the Autopian’s polite demeanor and straight-faced approach. The comments are taking care of the rest.
I would, however, like to hear the Bishop’s engineering theory on weight v thrust, and regarding the icing questions brought up by several commenters.
Yesterday the front page of The Autopian was less “polite demeanor and straight-faced approach.” than it was a posturing circle jerk of Elon’s fake flying car.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say…. I have doubts.
So when the diver of one of these lights off the rockets or boosters or whatever these jets are, at a stoplight to show off how much money and how little taste he has, what happens to the front clip of the car right behind them when they get hit with must be hundreds, (thousands?) of pounds of air pressure?
Looking at this with the ‘glass half full’ perspective. How would this even be allowed? I have to assume that these things would be insanely expensive. Further – Tesla has self driving software and self landing rockets that work pretty good. I’m going to think that the thrusters or jets or whatever they are will not fire unless in certain parts of the earth and with nothing in the blast zone.
Considering that SpaceX has no problem blasting huge chunks of concrete hundreds of yards away when launching their rockets, I have doubts that they’ll limit these at all.
You know, if it were ever actually manufactured.
That is such a fabricated argument
No clue what you mean by that.
I know
Sweet. General antisocial behavior. Glad to see it on here.
So I think the issue is less with what the moving gas will mechanically do and more about what it will cryogenically do. I will probably waste some time doing the real math on what it would actually take for the thrusters to work as advertised, but a very rudimentary estimation is that the gas is exiting at around 100K (about -280 F).
Well, I remember when Model S was announced, and many said it was unfeasible to build it at the price point Tesla was expecting, and here we are.
Musk has pockets deep enough to make this happen.
But as much this car is insane it is also idiotic, not to say useless. If this ever see the light at the end of production line, better be prepared for some “content creators” shit happening, with video thumbnails more realistic than they should ever be.
The Model S was infeasible to build at the price point it was sold. Tesla lost money on it for years and years.
Same with the Semi when it was first announced. Even today it the Semi is double the price of a diesel Class 8.
Certainly Musk has the money to sell things at a loss but Tesla is a public company not a private one. That said it is basically impossible for the board to remove Musk and the courts have been no help when shareholders sue for even obvious self dealing.
Every car company has sold models that lost money. Even the Mustang isn’t self sufficient.
They have. However there is more room for a money losing halo model when a company has a broad portfolio of models that make money.
If he wanted Bond gimmicks, amphibian/submarine would be actually cooler, and a lot more usable. And would match the vibe of the car.
But since the Vergeltungswaffen, fascists love some rockets, right?
I think the under water thing is too easy for idiots to use and have something bad happen. The rocket thing I presume will be beyond affordable and likely so controlled with automated software that using them will be pretty restrictive.
Fair point, but consider that an idiot with a sub will kill just themselves, but an idiot with a rocket car can kill people fast asleep in the 15th floor of a building.
But I guess billionaires are afraid of subs now, so there’s that.
I was thinking there were more bodies of water than airfields. I hate paying bridge tolls – so an underwater car might be reasonable for many folks to avoid $20 in tolls every day. Plus lack of traffic.
Wait so instead of revealing the production versions and imminent release of the Roadster…he announces another Roadster which isn’t a roadster and will be out in…..2 years?? LOL and people believe that this is gonna happen?? See you again at the release party in 2036!
I always imagined a roadster to not be a coupe.
Somehow this strikes me most:
“A next-gen steer-by-wire system offers incredible feedback”
Probably as in: It’s incredible they fitted a steer-by-wire system instead of something with real feedback.
At a time when the new MX5 is gradually growing outside of my price range*. Screw this.
(*Including things like tax and fuel)
NC MX-5’s are cheap, I’m guessing because they’re the ‘worst’ generation. But even the ‘worst’ MX-5 is pretty good. As long as it’s not rusty there’s not much else that can go wrong on them.
Love my NC Miata! I overpaid for it during COVID but it’s been worth every penny! Coolant overflow tank is the Achilles heel, but an aftermarket aluminum one is an easy install.
Achilles heel depends on climate, I suppose.
I never had any overflow tank problems, but all MX-5s become rust buckets with enough time where I live. Something about drain canals through the sills getting clogged.
I had an NC. I loved it.
But after a second kid and a red report from tech inspection due to rust, I sold it at a severe loss.
That was almost ten years ago. Finding a rustfree NC could proove difficult now.
Well, maybe I didn’t overpay for it as much as I think I did!
Idiotic fascist supercar.
With all the flying car craze nobody realized that this thing actually isn’t a Roadster.
They might have called it a turbo and it wouldn’t still be a production car. Not even limited production.
I can’t see this being it for this car. I have to figure there will be more versions of this for the masses. Even a version with an open roof. But this version is the one you show off when you want to garner some attention.
Here I was thinking that we’ve been waiting for a production car, but production is another 2 years away. I also don’t believe for a second that there weren’t any wires assisting the vehicles movements. They guy is a fucking hack.
Exactly just how during the Cybercab launch he had Optimus robots serving drinks and DJing which were really just people remote controlling them the whole time. All smoke and mirrors!
I’m no expert and haven’t watched the video myself, but I was thinking to have reaction motors do that, the “car” would have to be a lightweight shell and/or filled nearly completely with propellant tanks.
I thought the first self landing rockets were fake as heck looking myself. Years later – I guess not. None of know squat about the thrusters on it. The rockets seem to do fine with them. They survive a launch and fast trip to orbit before they go into action. So maybe for something like this car they are small and possible to have. I’m sure it’s a cost that no mortal humans can afford.
You seriously believe Musk when he says this is “2 years away”? There is no chance in hell this thing comes out, as shown, in 2 years.
That’s a colossally stupid car, but most of my complaints about it apply to “normal” hypercars anyways. People who signed up for the Elon Supercar presumably know what they want.
Just got to DOGE those regulations and you’re good to go!
While this is sick, I’d rather have a Cybercab with this treatment.
By that I mean a steering wheel, gas and brake pedals, and preferably AWD.
Elon bad! Elon bad! Waaaaah! Seriously, if you look at this minimally as a concept car reveal it was the greatest one of all time. Are you really going to be impressed looking at yet another Porsche concept just sitting still doing nothing? Oooooh, pretty sheet metal and paint and sitting behind a velvet rope at an auto show! The bar for new vehicle reveals has definitely been raised.
Eh. Yes, it’s epic and cool and unseen before, without a doubt. But it’s so ridiculously over the top I don’t think “the bar… has definitely been raised” for the immense majority of cars outside of supercars that really don’t matter. Are Cadillac, Toyota, Porsche, Rivian, Ford, VW, Genesis going to change their reveals because of this? Doubt.jpg.
It’s being claimed as a production intent product. Which means it should be judged by the honesty of what’s advertised. And the company has a checkered record on honesty. No bar was raised. It could all be smoke n mirrors to nudge the stock a lil, since Tesla the business is just trundling along.
The bar was just lowered, not raaised.
We all tuned in to what we thought was a release party only to be shown a new concept that won’t be out for another 2 years.
“Another 2 years” is doing some seriously heavy lifting here. There is no chance this comes out, as shown or anywhere near that, in two years.
And if the next corrola is launched without some crazy stunts…
sales targets would be absolutely unaffected.
You got it right in the first phrase. Elon is a dangerous asshat, and it taints whatever is associated with him. His political positions are so clear now that you either turn a blind eye to it, embrace it, or denounce it. I chose the latter.
This man would ruin the Enterprise with actual warp drives for me.
It’s a concept car until we see them on the street. That said – how many things from concept cars do get used on later models? While this car may be a one off, I can see this shape being the new roadster with several non rocket versions of it available.
Meanwhile, the shape is just a placeholder “AI draw me a supercar” design.
I wasn’t impressed. I just thought it was ridiculous and stupid.
This is comic book stuff, irrelevant and most likely faked anyhow.
Bit difficult to write about Elon’s whitewashed cars now, isn’t it?
How so? Whoever buys these is almost certainly going to be a rich conservative white man, Marques Brownlee notwithstanding (though he’s reportedly canceled his reservation).
Mach 3 air is neat. They were saying it was too loud to be in while the trusters are on. But I guess if it does it’s thing for the billionaire or multi millionaire who buys it whatever.