Porsche is one of those companies that has a shockingly vast selection of branded products designed to allow the Porsche owner to remind everyone around them they are a Porsche owner without having to constantly verbally mention that they are a Porsche owner, which probably will happen anyway.
There’s over 300 officially Porsche-branded products on their store, mostly things like key rings and hats and watches and sunglasses, so so many sunglasses, and even some colognes and perfumes so you can, presumably, smell like a Porsche. I’m picturing that heady aroma of oil and gas and that funny horsehair stuff they filled the seats with on a ’60s-era 356, but I suspect it’s probably something else.
But there’s a series of official Porsche-branded products that aren’t on Porsche’s own site, but are absolutely official, and have perhaps even more status and clout than anything sold on Porsche’s own pages. They’re also the most cynical of all the Porsche-branded crap, I think.
They’re the SMEG line of Porsche-branded fridges and toasters and coffeemakers and other kitchen stuff.
Are you familiar with SMEG? They’re an Italian appliance company notable for their high-quality, well-designed products and a name that makes the inner 9-year old boy in all of us laugh, because, lol, smegma.
The name doesn’t refer to the revolting “cheese-like substance” as one of my junior high school health books stomach-churningly referred to it, but is rather an acronym for “Smalterie Metallurgiche Emiliane Guastalla,” which has something to do with metal enameling and not any gross human body by-products.
Anyway, SMEG is a big deal in the rich-people-toast world, and Porsche seemed pretty excited by the collaboration:
“At the heart of this collaboration lies a shared philosophy: to craft objects that are not only functional but also emotionally resonant. Porsche, with its legacy of engineering excellence and motorsport triumphs, and Smeg, renowned for its iconic appliances and Italian design flair, have come together to create a collection that is as bold as it is beautiful,” says Stefan Büscher, CEO of Porsche Lifestyle Group.
And, okay, great, but I can’t get past that most of this “collaboration” is just slapping a Porsche logo on SMEG stuff:
I didn’t even notice the Porsche logo there at first. And while the color there is referred to as “Carrera White” to tie into Porsche, it’s still a white fridge. Who the hell even looks twice at a white fridge? That’s the traditional color of fridges. White cars sometimes even get accused of looking like a refrigerator, and I’ve never once heard anyone say a white fridge looks like it’s a Porsche Carrera.
There’s a toaster and a coffeemaker. With Porsche logos. This feels very phoned-in. Also, what’s with this picture? Did someone ask to have breakfast in the hedge maze? And then demand that their valet back their early 911 in the maze, too, so they can stare at it while polishing off half a loaf of bread?
The red line is a little more fun, I suppose, and it’s “917 Salzburg red” and the gumball with 23 in it pays homage to the 1970 Le Mans-winning Porsche 917, so, sure, that’s fun. But this is the extent of the effort attempted in this “collaboration.”
The reason I’m so salty about these appliances I will never, ever be able to own is that I’ve seen other SMEG collaborations that, while still pretty absurd, price-wise, feel special somehow. Their collaboration with Dolce & Gabbana, for example, delivered appliances like these:
Holy crap, right? That’s a fucking statement refrigerator! And look at this toaster:
Okay, that’s a beautiful toaster. No question, that toaster would get my attention. And this mixer:
And, yes, the prices are absurd, but at least you feel like this is more than a logo-slap. And the thing is, Porsche already has a history with delightfully-designed kitchenware! A while back I wrote about some incredible midcentury painted plates the Porsche factory used to give away to big machers:
Porsche owns the IP to these designs; why couldn’t they have gone the D&G route and made some really striking toast-making tools and other appliances?
Wouldn’t something like that have been so much cooler than just a lazy logo and stripe? It’s not like the toaster accelerates faster or hugs a curve with more grip or even burns the Porsche crest into the toast; it does the same damn thing as a $30 toaster from Wal-Mart. So it had better damn well look cool.
Oh, and one more fascinating detail: when I tried to take screenshots of the SMEG site, the window would go black! At least on my Mac: if you hold down shift and the command key on that site, part of the key combination to take a screenshot, the screen blacks out! Those little punks!
I found a workaround, but, damn, SMEG, calm down.
Can’t help but picture all of this SMEGalia in the creepy “Billions” character Ari Spyros’ apartment.
Also, I live in a coastal area and have no AC so refrigerator finishes don’t last too long. Got tired of refinishing the damn thing every few years, so bought a magnetic refrigerator wrap from Kudu for a couple hundred dollars that turned my icebox into an old Dr Pepper dispenser. I think it looks great and my friends do, too. Is it still rusting away beneath the wrap? Don’t care.
If you think a Porsche/Smeg refrigerator in the bed of a Ford/Harley pickup is a mixed marriage, you may be right.
The Smeg coffee maker is the worst coffee maker I’ve ever had. Within the first year the clock crapped out and just looks like the countdown timer on The Predator’s wrist, you need to pour water into the reservoir well above the coffee maker because the lid gets in the way, the plastic on the handle cracked, and it was a crap shoot if it would make a whole pot or decide brewing was done somewhere after a half pot.
I had a Porsche designed external hard drive for a while. The case was nicely crafted and pleasingly minimalist. It was a spinning platter drive which feels archaic now but also kinda right for the brand. It was like the tech equivalent of keeping gas engines alive. Sure an SSD/EV is faster, but the Storage/Battery capacity is still less than spinning platter/gas powered variant, and sometimes you want the visceral experience of feeling and hearing your data being read/written.
Can’t see this brand and not think of Red Dwarf. Especially Talkie the Toaster. “The question is this…given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite…would you like a toasted teacake?”
Is there any good car-branded anything? i would like to see some examples, because i don’t find a logo on a thing enough, it have to be more than that.
A while back, Jaeger-LeCoultre collaborated with Aston Martin and made watches that would unlock a small handful of AM cars with NFC tech or something. Definitely crazy-rich person stuff but still kinda cool. I bet some of those Astons have depreciated to a point where they’re only worth a bit more than the watches.
Everytime I see these vehicle branding advertisement cross things (Ford & Harley D, e.g.), I think the branding should go both ways. So…
I want to see a boring ass plain refrigerator-like base model Porsche Macan in bone white with absolutely no trim features have SMEG black block lettering plastered on the door, hood and trunk.
Now that there is funny.
I had a boss who used to refer to any kind of schmutz on anything as smeg. “Do you have the Windex over there? The copier has some smeg on it.” He was my favorite boss of all time.
The only Porsche branded thing I’ve ever bought (apart from uh, a Porsche) is the little leather key chain. Those are nice.
The only other thing I’d ever consider is the Chronograph 1 watch by Porsche Design. Those are cool..but way too expensive for the watch you get.
So keychain it is.
I had a 911 for some years and, in my initial enthusiasm for the whole thing, perused the Porsche-branded-stuff catalogs they kept sending. But honestly: their stuff was just soooo ugly.
My parents know my love of cars and always try and get me gifts to reflect that. However, there have been some missteps.
Many years ago, they gave me a varsity-style Porsche jacket. It was very nice, expensive, warm for the winter, and because I actually DO own older aircooled Porsches, didn’t make me a complete poseur.
I did wear it, begrudgingly, for a time, and then retired it to the basement. I just felt “gross” wearing it. So, there are ways to be a fan (T-shirt, sunglasses, hat), and there are OVER THE TOP ways. Like the examples above. Choose wisely.
Reminds me of the Ford Probe line of personal pleasure products.
I believe the term is “processed cheese food product.” Who wouldn’t want some of that?
Also missing in the picture is the orange heavy duty extension cord running back to the house, with a triple tap on the near end.
The servant starts the coffee. The nouveau riche owner specifies the kind of toast they want, the servant lowers toast lever and as the toaster coils begin to glow red, the breaker trips again in the house.
Minutes later the servant has reset the breaker and run a second, separate extension cord, but woefully has plugged it in to the same outlet, and the breaker trips again. The owner, in a rage over his spoiled breakfast event, jumps in the 911 and takes off, simultaneously ruining both the Porsche and the hedge maze.
You beat me to it. The servant with inadequate electrical training was a nice touch. Hard to find competent help these days.
Although, if you’re going to have a proper hedge maze breakfast, you’ll install outlet boxes with dedicated 20A circuits.
Still feels tacky though. Is there a way to put in outdoor “floor” outlets that can handle water? We need a way to hide that orange extension cable
I think you could run buried romex out to a small shed or other permanent structure, hidden behind some hedge nearby. But you still need at least a 14 ga. cable from there, which commonly is orange though I imagine money buys options.
that just won’t do. Maybe a small trench/cableway?
This stuff is ridiculous, but I have no problem with it. It seems like a harmless enough way to separate rich, shallow people from their money. The more expensive, the better.
Around 1999 my design-conscious girlfriend bought us a Siemens ‘designed by F A Porsche’ kettle. My first ever Porsche. Annoyingly it dripped (water not oil – German engineering etc.) from the start but it looked great – brushed stainless steel finish with deep blue accents. But it ended up having a daily driver role for 19 years longer than the girlfriend before it sprung a terminal leak.
We spent a week in an Amsterdam apartment with a red SMEG refrigerator, no Porsche branding. That fridge had a joyful presence. I love those appliance colors. To me, the Porsche signifiers take all the joy out.
I can see that, for sure.
Also it’s ironic to be selling brand logo merchandise that is mostly referring to one of the few cars that need zero written branding because the form itself is iconic.
And they didn’t even bother to write turbo on any of it…
They can’t, they’re all-electric.
Oh, wait.
But the fridge sort of has an intercooler.
A heat exchanger is a heat exchanger, amirite?
The SMEG stuff looks pretty, but from what I read, they typically are no better and are often worse than appliances from brands like LG or Bosch
Is that a red espresso machine in the header image? I could work with that, but not at the price they probably want.
But a capsule machine (it looks like to me). Bit like a Porsche EV: Not really the real thing..
Hold on, I’m still searching for the Porsche branded bathtub.
I just can’t with SMEG. For reasons stated in the article, I just, nope, no thank you good day.
A cook called Barry has a fridge from them (British guy on youtube, fun vids) and the simple solution was to rearrange the letters to read “GEMS” instead. Yay Anadromes!
-Bit too much of an Adolf vibe going on with those 23 things, after they changed the font to a more old german looking heavy one (is it DIN Schriften?). Wasn’t the case with the old 917 racecar.. The power of typography!
Red background, white circle, black text. It just couldn’t be any other way could it?
If they used some “friendly” or less angular font, like on the 917, it could.
Another weight of the letters, not resembling the thickness of that old indian symbol. Altered the size and positioning within the circle. Added a bit more “racecar” than just the circle to the red area. Many posibilities.
The Salzburg 917 is saved by the striped fenders. But the fridge and the coffee machine are going to give me nightmares.
“YOU WILL BUY ZE FRITZ!!” 😀
(it doesn’t run on gas, does it?…)
Nothing wrong with the 917, It’s almost Japanese styled with the cool stripes 🙂
Oof.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gi9zFRBCIM
Oh shit, now I can’t unsee it…
I could see the Salzburg Red fridge going into a garage, if you have the kind of garage that would accommodate that rather than a beat-up old fridge bought at a thrift store.
And damn, Jason, Smeg should hire you! Your design for a wildly over-priced toaster is far better than theirs.
Just don’t make it the active window! If you take your browser out of full screen and focus to the finder, you can initiate a screenshot and include the background browser window without issue.
Also, command-shift-4 and command-shift-5 are your best friends.
Or you could just use Preview to take the screenshots 🙂
I was not able to duplicate this so maybe this is part of Chrome?
I used CMD+Shift+3 and CMD+Shift+4 and was able to get screenshots in Safari.
Maybe Google allows some developer plugin with Chrome to do this, or Firefox perhaps because it seems un-google-like to prevent that. They hate anyone else having control or privacy.
I’ve got two screenshot tools and keyboard shortcuts on my Linux computer, giving me the option of a quick screenshot-to-clipboard using Gnome Screenshot, or a more fully featured one to actually save images using Flameshot. The former tool worked fine, while the latter minimized the page (on Firefox)