For an animal with an entire day named after it, the groundhog is surprisingly loathed, and by seemingly the entire human population. People set traps to capture or kill the rodents, some folks send their dogs after the woodchucks, and I’ve even heard of homeowners shoving garden hoses into burrows to drown or flush groundhogs out. It’s pretty messed up, and this is coming from someone who just had the crap scared out of him by a groundhog living in his engine bay — a groundhog that has wreaked havoc on the car’s wiring, taken a dump on its engine, and even set a trap of its own — one that could have set my car on fire. Let me explain.
I recently returned from an utterly absurd trip to Australia (which I’ll be writing about soon), only to find that my cars have been broken into by this little bugger:
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Don’t let that cute face fool you; this groundhog is a menace.
We first met a few days ago when I went to pop the hood of my $700 Chevy Tracker. Something was amiss with my windshield wipers and one of my parking lights. Having checked the fuses in the driver’s side footwell, I figured I’d see if something was wrong underhood. Maybe the light bulb went bad and the wiper motor became disconnected or shorted somehow? I pulled the hood release at the base of the dash, walked around front, slid my hand in the crack above the radiator, and pulled the release.
“Ahhhh!” I yelled in surprise as I spotted a full-grown groundhog right in front of my face as soon as I cracked the hood. Nestled between my exhaust manifold and fender, the little rodent quickly scurried down the space between the vehicle’s 2.0-liter “J20” engine block and frame. The animal trotted away, right into the engine bay of my brother’s 1966 Ford Mustang. Here’s the groundhog sitting behind a Holly 2300 carburetor, hiding its head under the air cleaner:
What is it with groundhogs and engine bays? These cars had been sitting for over a month; those engines offered no warmth. I assume it has to do with the rain cover provided by the hood, and just the general coziness and quietness. Or maybe groundhogs are prolific wrenchers who love tuning carburetors and setting ignition timing, perhaps as a way to attract mates?
Either way, no matter how this little fur-ball justified its presence next to that 289 cubic-inch V8, I wasn’t thrilled about the situation. I’m generally not one to make blanket statements about entire groups, but it’s well established that groundhogs make the worst tenants. They don’t pay rent; they trash the place; and honestly, they’re really not all that polite, running away anytime I come over to say hello.
Out of pity, I let this one hang out on that V8 until it felt like departing. I’m not even sure why I let the animal’s cuteness win me over, because it’s not like it didn’t chew up my Chevy Tracker, and it’s not like it didn’t try to set the thing ablaze, and it’s not like it didn’t leave a nasty surprise right on top of my engine.
The Groundhog Did A Number On My Poor Chevy Tracker
The single hottest part of a car that isn’t part of the engine is the catalytic converter. Temperatures there can crest 1,000 Fahrenheit, which is why you always see “cats” with big heat shields all the way around them. Catalytic converters are known to cause brush fires, not just when they start breaking apart and shooting hot bits from the tailpipe, but also when someone drives in high grass. It’s because I knew about the dangers of catalytic converters that I found this so alarming:
That’s a bunch of dry grass all bunched up, pressed against my catalytic convert, just waiting to go up in flames. This happened a few months ago; thank goodness my brother had noticed it before I drove away! Some rodent — presumably that groundhog — had made a nest atop my driver’s side fender, and some of that nest had fallen between my catalytic converter and the SUV’s frame.
My brother also noticed some chewed wires going to my brake master cylinder; the wires wire led to a switch, whose job it is to turn on a dash light if there’s an issue with my brake system (i.e. a leak that could compromise brake performance). Tommy fixed those wires with a crimping tool and some heat shrink, only to then find this:
Those are the wires leading to the cylinder #2 ignition coil. The insulation has been chewed through, and though the wires themselves aren’t too bad, a short between them would have caused the little Suzuki to have run like absolute crap.
Speaking of crap, in addition to piling kindling against to the hottest part of my exhaust system to act as a fire-trap, and in addition to chewing up my wiring, the groundhog figured it’d leave me this lovely gift between the valve cover and intake manifold:
That’s a steaming pile of rodent Scheisse right on top of my fuel rail. Here’s a closer look; it almost looks like the animal was trying to patch a leak. (And if that was its intention, then I thank it. But I doubt it):
You’ll notice that, just above that excrement (likely within range of its steam-clouds) is my throttle cable, whose insulation has been chewed off. Look farther along that throttle cable, and things don’t get a whole lot better.
This groundhog loves whatever material it is that covers that throttle cable sheath:
It also took out a huge length of my windshield washer hose:
No part of me wants to hurt this beautiful creature, but surely we can all agree that it deserves some level of punishment. You don’t try to set my car on fire, chew through my wiring to the point that my wipers, washers, and front parking light no longer work, gnaw through my throttle cable sheath cover, and then top it all off with a Dairy-Queen-Ice-Cream shaped dump. You just don’t do these things!
But I think it knows it’s in trouble. Just look at that guilty face.
I’m actually surprised I didn’t know that, because my family does have a bit too much experience with rodent damage.
Did you know that mice absolutely love the blower motors on first-gen Nissan Rogues? My brother found that out when they kept losing heat in the winter and always found a squeaky friend that had a very bad day when the heat went on.
I don’t know what that thing smelled like but I’m guessing the answer was “not great.”
The plenum on the Nissan wiring is biodegradable, edible and apparently attractive to rodents. Wife’s G37 got munched on by rat or squirrel. In Florida. It wasn’t cold. Made the comp claim and hoped that it never happened again.
I think the heaters were especially attractive because they had a snack and a warm place to stay. But they either got stuck or roasted. Anyway it didn’t end well for Mr. Mouse.
Groundhogs are so destructive, but the one in my yard only insists on digging under my garage and house. Since I like my foundation and stuff, I’ve had to dispatch a few, but they are smart and hard to get rid of. I’m currently trying Dubble Bubble… they are supposed to really like it, but they can’t digest it, so it “gums up the works”. Every piece I have put out has been eaten within 8 hours, so hopefully it did it’s job. I haven’t seen mine since putting out the gum.
Have you tried Epsom salts, stockings filled with human hair,
So the choice is a cute rodent that eats your wiring and plastic bits and tries to kill you with fire, or spiders the size of alternators that will cause you agonizing pain, I think I will try to chew a model of a Miura out of poundcake
Apperently they sometimes use fish oil in the fabrication of the plastic surrounding the cables.
Because I learned that apperently you can buy fish oil free electrical wires so your measurement setup somewhere in way off the grid Canada doesn’t get chewed up by bears.
I heard it was soy oil
Pro tip: groundhogs will stand up wherever they are when you whistle. (Thus the nickname ‘whistle pig’). So the proper procedure when dealing with groundhogs is 1) get shotgun (loaded with #4 shot or bigger) 2) whistle for groundhog 3) aim and fire.
I don’t hate groundhogs or anything; as long as they’re out in the hedge row or in the woods not causing any harm, I enjoy watching them derp around. But as soon as they start doing property damage (digging under barns or porches, CHEWING CARS) they get the treatment proscribed above. As others have said, they’re very difficult to dissuade once they have settled in. Even if you trap them you need to transport them *many miles* away, and then they just become someone else’s problem, most likely.
No wrong funny but the whistle comes from the sound they make when they sense there is trouble.
Even if he had comprehensive insurance, a claim would total out nearly all, if not all, of his fleet. Why file a claim on a $700 shit-box???
Well I’m pretty sure if he can get an insurance payout anywhere above scrap value he is ahead of the game. Reduce or eliminate the fleet and start over with new knowledge. Of course his most recent purchase asks the question as he learned nothing? Maybe as a autopian journalist all auto related expenses are tax deductible. Should I start my own auto journalist site just to write off my auto repairs? Maybe another homeowner site to write off my home repairs? Think about post a few buttons pictures and deductible for toilet paper. Man screw the IRS I’ll never pay taxes again. Except on alchohol they get serious about that shit real quick.
You have to get rid of them one way or the other (trapping or shooting). Once they find a spot they like, they wont leave. When rid of it, another will likely come along and take it’s place. Scent or something. We had one last year that completely destroyed our garden. My wife spent weeks growing seedlings only to have them obliterated over one night. After spending several days trapping and relocating this one trying to be humane, another showed up immediately. Since, I’ve shot five over two summers. Irish Spring is a myth.
Irish spring? They actually enjoy eating it.
So setting ignition timing might help attract a mate? I seriously doubt it, more likely it’s a bachelor-making ability.
Well so far that has been DTs results.
Kotter, as in Welcome Back, Kotter. Your automotive fleet is the “racially and ethnically diverse remedial class called the “Sweathogs.””
If you have a car that you know is gonna be sitting around for a while, I’d recommend two things:
1) Moth balls
2) Dryer sheets
Pretty much every living rodent hates moth balls. I had a groundhog move its burrow from the woods near my house to right under my shed. Threw a packet of moth balls down there and it moved on. Dryer sheets in the glove box also deter mice. I used to park one of my cars in my Grandma’s rural, poorly sealed pole barn over the winter and the dryer sheets always seemed to keep them away.
Barring that, lethal force may be your only option. I know, they’re cute. I used to think so too. That is, until I became a homeowner and had mice/chipmunks/squirrels did everything within their power to invade my attic, basement and garage. They’re a menace. Only as a last resort though and I never use poison.
Squirrels and rabbits will do similar things. For some reason they like the insulation on wires, especially if it is the newer soy based insulation.
Stick a bar of Irish Spring soap in there they can’t stand the smell.
We used to shoot these on site on the farm. When you’re bailing hay and hit a ground hog hole that dumps your wagon you learn to hate them quickly.
Burn it. Put it out of its misery.
No, not the mammal! The car!
God is tired of sending you messages, and starting sending enforcers.
It’s cursed. It’s all cursed.
Did the patching of the wiring fix the turn signal stalk and withers?
Buy non-lethal traps
No, the wipers don’t work.
Maybe a stupid questions, but are you sure they worked before the giant rodent showed up?
“maybe groundhogs are prolific wrenchers who love tuning carburetors and setting ignition timing, perhaps as a way to attract mates?”
Has this ever worked?
I don’t know how it wouldn’t?
Well how well has it worked for you DT? OF course it could be your outfit, your personal hygiene, That hat, lace of frequent bathing, oil and dirt under the fingernails, constantly traveling to vast and uninteresting places, lack of a working vehicle?
But hey what do I know I’m honest with a good sense of humor apparently the perfect man and I am single and haven’t had a date in 20years?
I have researched this extensively. I can categorically state that the movie trope of the girl fawning over the sweaty manly man wrenching on his GTO are inaccurate.
Nah it’s accurate he is a trust fund baby trafficking meth and she is an addict. Also due to the meth he is thin and genetics he is tall. So yeah chicks are shallow like us but only more particular
Feed him hot sauce. He’ll never come back.
Groundhogs are terrible creatures that bring nothing but destruction where ever they go. That’s why people universally abhor groundhogs. Evict them now or have a future of problems. I’ve had to kill 7 on my small property in the last 12 months.
Well I’m pretty sure if he can get an insurance payout anywhere above scrap value he is ahead of the game. Reduce or eliminate the fleet and start over with new knowledge. Of course his most recent purchase asks the question as he learned nothing? Maybe as a autopian journalist all auto related expenses are tax deductible. Should I start my own auto journalist site just to write off my auto repairs? Maybe another homeowner site to write off my home repairs? Think about post a few buttons pictures and deductible for toilet paper. Man screw the IRS I’ll never pay taxes again. Except on alchohol they get serious about that shit real quick.
That’s not a bad idea. Maybe making a monetized YouTube about my hobbies would be a business thus making those expenses tax deductible.
And good luck trying to grow a vegetable garden with one around. They love their veggies, usually just before they are ripe enough for you to pick. A good old .22 pill cures them.
Nice! Throw it in the dumpster finally.
Wait, does David have comprehensive insurance on his cars? That seems a bit…expensive? I know that fixing rusted Jeeps must be super lucrative, but enough for those premiums? Besides, if that is the case can you claim the rust, too?
It’s bold to assume he has anything more than liability coverage on his cars.
Silly, really.
David,
May I please direct you to the services of one Carl Spackler, Esq. of Bushwood Country Club?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFpm2LR0sGQ
Of I recall he was a failure never having successfully getting what I believe was a gopher not a whistle pug?
“These cars had been sitting for over a month; “.. careful Mr. Tracy, we might have a squatters rights situation here. After 30 days removing this occupants property could result is an action against you. How’s the Autopian’s legal fund looking? These cases can get contentious and protracted, thus expensive.
Back off Matlock these vehicles have not been approved as dwellings by the appropriate government agencies. We expect that in the next few hundred years.
Few hundred years? Ha! You know the government would love to call them dwellings today, it would really bump up their city’s/state’s “affordable housing” market.
As for the Mustang, I think I heard that if you flip him over, you’ll get a slight power bump…
I thought it was Jeeps you wanted to flip over. Oh well learn something new every day.
I think the Autopian just found its mascot
Tweet your memes @the_autopian.
⏚hog, the Autopian mascot.
Dave have you never seen Caddyshack? These are mischievous little mothers. For some reason they do not like mothballs, so anytime I’m leaving machines untended for a long period I spread out a handful around the machine. I’d be careful as this rodent seems to trying to kill you.
A groundhog is also known as a woodchuck, a whistle pig, and a land beaver.
Ah, mothballs.
That’s a gopher in Caddyshack.
Chewie, the Road Hog!
Road Hog is the right name.
Cute but incredibly destructive. A .22 bullet to the dome is the proper response. Sorry to offend anyone’s sensibilities.
I had a bad experience trying this, I shot one like 7-8 times with a 10/22 and it wasn’t enough. It was really not humane, ended up having to find a bigger gun. I still feel so guilty about it. They are tough little creatures.
Head shots required.
You’re right but if David doesn’t have experience using firearms and hunting he should find someone who does and learn. He seems to live in a residential area where someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing with a gun and gets overly excited chasing down the varmint could cause a lot of damage. Even .22LR rounds travel a good distance and still have enough speed to kill or injure someone. And those rounds can ricochet pretty easily since they’re light.
Maybe he could get on his roof or in a tree so every shot would hit the ground nearby. Or trap it then shoot it.